Hi Judi, thank you for your support. Because of you the threat of severe thunderstorms I decided to not go to the car show. There will be others. Next year I will enter my car as it will be a classic. I did drive it today and I am feeling pretty much at ease with the stick. You tube was my manual transmission teacher.

Voice
My voice is sounding better. I still have a long way to go but my hz is down to 280, still too high but better. The folds are just about to touch as some moisture on the vocal folds now creates sound. I think I am starting to have vocal folds touching too, at times. This is so exciting. Not having a voice for the most part is difficult. I did not notice or realize how people with a vocal issue are treated. Transition is a journey that has taught me so much, about myself and others.

Voice,
My voice is a little better. My pitch is still too high and I am horse but better. I see the doctor in September. It has been 3 months 5 days since the glottoplasty. I am 270 to 290 HZ counting 1-20 in what use to be my low registry. So there is some progress but it is very slow.

Therapist,
My therapist recommended I go to a therapist that does EMDR for things in the past. I would stop seeing her for the treatment and then resume seeing her and then reduce our appointments to every other week. Therapy is coming to an end. I am on the other side of transition. I still have a few issues I am working on.

electrolysis,
I have 2 one hour weekly appointments and every 5 weeks or so I am going to Papillion for 4 hours with numbing and the machine turned up high. I am tired of the facial hair.

Rehoboth Beach,
Friday-Sunday, I am getting excited. I am staying on what is called the gayest street in America, we will see. it is Baltimore and the boardwalk. Goals, go to the beach in a bathing suit, read on the beach under an umbrella, eat seafood, walk the stores and walk the boards.

Hiking,
I hiked 5 miles, 900 vertical feet with a 110 pound pack Saturday. I may go back down to 85 pounds for next week Friday morning. The 110 took a lot out of me and I will be going to the shore Friday morning.

The beach
It is about 7 AM. I am looking out my hotel room window at the beach. I keep thinking how am I going to put on a bathing suit and go to the beach? People here seam nice and accepting so it is not so much them as me, I guess.

Maybe this is like pealing an onion, another layer has to come off. I have gotten use to being in public with semi revealing clothing (fitted clothing) but never so exposed. Even in male mode when I went to the beach I wore an undershirt then when transitioning a rash guard. Now all that would separate me is a thin layor or material.

I need to do this for me. I wish does not matter, I have done a good job aligning myself, doing my best to look good and now cloths off, by myself beach time approaches.

I have had dreams in the past of me being on the beach. I was just me and there was no appreciation or fear. Perhaps I anticipate stairs or someone pointing or whispering. There is not much for me to concur left in my transition. This is one of the last hurdles. I guess being with a guy will be the last hurdle.

I was thinking thinking the hotel pool would be a place that is more close quarters than the beach so I may want to tackle that tomorrow.

I found an lgbt friendly bar last night and may stop in there tonight. If anyone was to talk to me there is no way they could hear me. My vocal power is too low.

It is beautiful here with perfect weather. This is the nicest hotel room I have ever been in. It has two bathrooms, two large beds and a huge wall of windows floor to ceiling looking at the beach.

This is a completely different subject. Skin
I have noticed as people age why do their facial skin thicken? Mine has not gotten thicker. Is it hormone related or some other reasons?

I guess it is time for me to get to the beach ready drill.

How in a the world do we survive transition is beyond me. So many confidence tests and so much change. So much surgery. In the end it all adds up to being yourself. Why are we treated like criminals? 200 priests in the Philadelphia Archdiocese were molesting children over 20 years and the church allows this but I am an outcast because I am trans. I would never hurt a child yet alone abuse one and I am the one that is cast out. I think people in general think trans is a sexual condition and not a gender mismatch. I need to focus on the beach.

Beach time.

Rachel,
   You fear this because you fear losing your dignity. Well, with everything I know about you, you have that 'in spades.' Don't give in to fear, be yourself. That is more than enough. Once you go out on that beach, you will have another piece of sweet freedom to be you. Being you is pretty awesome. I did the beach thing this summer. I think if it is that hard for you, you put one foot in front of the other and just do it. Look at the sand if that would help. Remember, people are self absorbed, they are into their own worlds. Get settled first if that helps and get the lay of the land then take off the extra clothes when you feel it. Good luck Rach, it will be okay.
Moni

To help build confidence at the beach grab a simple wrap or loose piece of fabric to cover more than the bathing suit when walking there, the way some women carefully plan out being casual (becomes automatic over time).  Once you feel comfortable you can remove the wrap knowing it's there and can put it back on when you feel like it.  As a taxpayer you own a share of that beach just like everyone else. 

Thank you Monica and Kendra, I was able to go to the beach. I did not go in the water as there were a lot of jelly fish larva which is unpleasant as they sting. Like you said, no one really cared. The fear was much worse than the walk. I was on the beach most of the day.

Three times I got up to pee while on the beach. I used the public bathroom and there was a line. No one said anything or batted an eye. I purchased lunch at Grotto Pizza and it is all that good.

Rehoboth
I stayed about mid point on the boardwalk and that is a pretty much a family location. Poodle beach is pretty much where the gay guys are. Where I was some lesbian couples with children and hetero families.

The shore point is nice and there is a nice shopping area with lots of different shops to please everyone. I found the prices a bit high. There were no issues with me being trans at all.

I can go to the New Jersey shore points going forward.

Self,
I was very self conscious about my body. I found my body to be pretty good in comparison to woman my age and many younger. I think if I get to my goal weight of 180 (188 now) then see how I am proportioned I may be where I need to be.

Hair is really good.

One thing I have noticed as I went from 220 to 188 is my jowls are much better. Perhaps if I get to my goal weight they may be just fine. I am tall 6'2" (as of last year) and I have a bit of muscle from rucking. My tummy and obliques could use a little less fat. I do have some tummy definition.

When I was laying on the chair on the beach I noticed my thighs are a bit fuller. I was really surprised, It looked really feminine. My thighs just touch but ever so slightly with jean shorts on.

My breasts are I guess about average with thin woman and smaller that many fuller figured woman. I am on the smaller side but not bad. I will ask Dr. McGinn in September if she thinks I can go larger and if so can she provide a letter of need. If she does I will proceed with a larger BA. But then again, it may just be good enough. The whole body thing is circular. At some point I may be 100 years old with large perky boobs, why.

I was going to go into a crowded bar that had a LGBT flag outside. I chose not to both Friday and Saturday night. I thought what will I do. My vocal power is very low so talking in the bar is not possible and I will be drinking diet coke. I though why, there is no point. I thought if no one talked to me I would be tempted to drink. How long would I be in there 10 minutes, 30 minutes or maybe an hour. So I just walked around and window shopped.

All in all a great trip, lots of self discovery and exploration. 

I hiked in the park today 5 miles with a 90 pound pack. It was overcast and rained off and on. I was going to go down town, eat dinner and just walk around. I went to a movie instead. I felt like, well I do not really know how to explain it but it did not feel right.

Thinking about not going down town to eat and walk around Penn's Landing or Old City, I realize I never did that alone before. The feeling was of fear and apprehension. There is a lot of people down town and they are pretty accepting but I never did it before alone. With my family we would go to a place and eat and then leave. This time would be different. I would go to eat and mingle alone, which feels very strange. Well vulnerable comes to mind. Perhaps my family provided me safety to be in social situations, a role. I need to experience the vulnerability and try new and different things. I need to do this and I need to be in touch with how I feel and address the feelings.

Tomorrow I think I may try it again and go intown for dinner and perhaps stop in a lower Market street bar.

So I joined a gym near my house. It was a good experience. I was shown the woman's locker room and the woman's only gym space as well as the rest or the gym space. No one batted an eye.

So some big decisions
I have been going to one electrolysis person on Tuesdays and my therapist and another electrolysis person on Thursdays. My therapist has a new job and she can only see me on Tuesdays. The electrolysis person on Tuesdays is very close to my house and can only see me Tuesdays. So I an thinking about stop seeing my therapist or seeing another therapist  if I need to. Maybe I am ok to fly solo. Perhaps I can pose the question to her. I have a 2 week layover as she transitions to her new job. Tough decision.

I was called today by a friend who suggested I apply for a position at another facility in town. I do not think I am able to meet their needs but I said I am in for round one. It would be great experience but I never would apply for the position if I was not asked. The fear is if they take me to round 2. I really do not want to leave where I work. Time to confront some fear.

With joining gym and being suggested for this position I felt that I was not being treated different or excluded for being different. Maybe it is Philadelphia or maybe it is the people I associated with but it felt good. Maybe not being under daily negative influence has started to allow me to feel better about myself.

I have an appointment at 7:30 A.M. with Dr. Sataloff tomorrow. He is that doctor that did the first (Cricoidthiroid seduction) and second vocal (Glottoplasty) procedure. I had the Glottoplasty on May 14th and my voice is very hoarse and  I can not be heard with any background noise. I need it correct and I am very tired of the vocal issue.

I am on the fence on whether to get a second opinion from Dr. Thomas. I think it is obvious that the web was very aggressive. My pitch is in the 300 HZ range (290 to 450 hz). Strange as after the first procedure I was at 170 to 185 HZ range. I wonder if I just had the glottoplasty then I would be fine now. I wonder if the web was too aggressive (It looks that way). Some day I will post a pic. Right now I am not until I am done with this mess. When I am done I will show a pre first procedure, post first procedure, post 2nd procedure and the final pic with outcome.

Transition is  series if decisions and outcomes and then more decisions. It is helpful to know others paths so as to show others what the possible outcomes are before they take the same step. I will provide that feedback when this is over.

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Electrolysis, there must be a better way. Right now I do 45 to 60 minutes a week thermolysis and 1 hour blend. Once a month I go to Papillion for 4 hours with numbing and the machine turned up. Electrolysis hurts no matter what. I wonder if there is a place that does anesthesia and whole face clearing?
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Therapist is scheduled for 6 PM next Tuesday after electrolysis. I do not know, how the schedule will work out.

I do not know if I need to go to a therapist any more. I still have some issues with dark thoughts but I allow them to pass by and I do not allow them to latch. I really have done all I can and the best I can to be at this spot right now. Looking back only causes pain and suffering. Looking forward I have some hope mixed with some fear. The fear part I am working on to just do what I am afraid of.

Rachel,
   I love how you are tackling your fears. I know it is really hard to do. You continually show how strong you are, and you are an amazing role model for those who are struggling. You're the best!
Love,
Moni

Rachel, did you ever inquire about that other position in your company to see what it entailed?  Even if you wouldn't necessarily apply, it might be interesting to see what its' about and it would be an opportunity to get some face to face time with others.  Don't let the fear of change paralyze you.

I've spoken about whole face clearing with my electrologist and her opinion (as well as my thought) was that it was too damaging to the skin to attack it all at once.  I've heard others explain how they were horribly swollen afterwards.  I understand the places that do it have other opinions.  I've heard of one business in Texas but I'm sure there are others.  I'm still going for two hours per week and I'm finally catching up with new growth. I don't have beard shadow any longer.

I think there comes a time when therapy has run its course.  It did with me.  This might be a a good time to go solo since her schedule has changed and you seem to have a handle on things.  All my best.

Judi

I found this report of voice feminisation surgery - http://www.tsroadmap.com/physical/voice/voicesurg.html - I would not recommend having any more surgery as I think it would be more likely to make things worse than better.

Hi Monica, thank you for the kind words. I do not think I am a role model though. I am just truing to regain some normalcy in my life. One of the things that bothers me is the amount of alone time I have. I like being alone to a point but I like being with someone too.

Hi Judi, I agree. Multi day electrolysis is very hard on the skin. I am just frustrated at the slow progress. I have 2 one hour electrolysis sessions and one 4 hour session (at Papillion with numbing injections) next week. It is just a long and painful process.

I spoke to the board member that mentioned the position opportunity. He mentioned it to the CEO and I will be contacted by the head hunter. It is not with the enterprise I am presently with. I am not qualified and will not get the job. I really do not want it either. I will interview for the experience and exposure.

Hi Mary, I agree. Another surgery could be more Trouble. I will be seeing his singing coach and speech pathologist. My pitch is high and slowly coming down a little at a time ( I am 280 to 310 ). My vocal folds do not touch and that is the issue. There is a growth behind the one vocal fold and it is distorting locally one part of one side of a vocal fold. My voice is slowly getting better; I am impatient. I see the doctor in 6 weeks.

The doctor had a new fellow. When they did the vocal fold scope he was at a different angle than the past fellow that had scoped me 4 or 5 times. The growth did not surprise the doctor and he did not say anything too much about it. He listened to me as I did his vocal routine. He said the male sound in my voice is gone and I am high in pitch and he said his vocal team will work with me and that he can hear good qualities in my voice. All I can hear is a hoarse voice.

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I did a presentation today with two others about energy and energy projects. I was just a tad bit nervous. Being trans is one thing but having a weak hoarse voice is another.  I like being me but this voice thing is tough.
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I received some feedback from several people about how I walk, leaning forward, my shoulders being rounded and the speed of my pace. One person said I should walk with a book on my head. One said I should be more fluid in my gate. Another said I need to swing my arms. One person said I should sit on a street corner and watch woman walk. Another persons said I should walk slower.  One person asked if there is a walking coach. These suggestions came from 4 different persons over the last two weeks, unsolicited. I guess I should focus more active attention on the subject when I walk.
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Tomorrow I hike and cut the grass. I want to go to a  place I have not gone since a month after my Mom died. We had the after funeral lunch there and then a month later we got together, my and my sisters family and had lunch. My nephew was about 6 weeks old. I looked down the table at all the people and for a second I caught a glimpse of what looked like my Mom standing behind my new nephew. I turned to let my wife (at the time know) and looked back and it was gone. There has been a lot of family history in that restaurant. I want to go there tomorrow night and have dinner.
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One of the most powerful things for well being is community. I need to find my community. I lost my family and a reason or part reason for being lost. I have a need to replace the close bonds. Someone to share good times and bad.

I had a phone therapy session Tuesday. We are doing a face to face in 2 weeks. I think therapy is coming to an end. Every other week for now and perhaps for the fall.

I still have brief thoughts of suicide but just on the surface. There is not prolonged episodes and no plans. So that is going the best since I was 11 or 12. 
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I think the whole girl thing is not phase Mom and Dad. I had dinner at a place our family would go. I loved that place and had not been there since when my Mom died. There are so many memories in that room. Awesome dinner !!!! I forgot how awesome the seafood is there.
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I really love my new gym and spinning and the sauna. I need to do the yoga there too. I want to do group classes mostly. No issues with the cis there.
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I went to group tonight. It was good. There are a bunch of groups in Philly. My therapist recommended I go to many of them, just once and see how they fit. I am lonely and really want to find a companion. Perhaps I can find someone at group or someone they know. I will keep my eyes open at the gym too. Since I like rucking I should look into a rucking meet up.

There is an open trans meetup at a bar in the gayborhood once a month with guys that like us there. My friend meet a nice guy there. I think I will e-mail the woman that runs it ( I am a friend on face book). I will need to take off work the next day I think. It ends later in the evening and by the time I get home I would get very little or no sleep.

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Lunch in New Hope tomorrow or maybe Lambertville Inn. Definitely chocolate ice cream at my favorite home made ice cream shop. A stroll down Main street Lambertville is a definite maybe and a walk across the bridge. I think I will drive the trans am there.
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I was hoping to have my voice finished so I could go to India. I may need to postpone till Spring.
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I was driving home tonight. there is so much addiction in my family it is sad. My father and brother died at age 59 and it was the best thing for them, sadly. My aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, father and brother were or are all addicted for the most part. I am free and my sister is mostly free. I feel better than any point in my life. Starting life at 56.
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Electrolysis, I do a 1 hr. session twice a week and every 5 or 6 weeks a 4 hour at Papillion with numbing with the machine turned up. Tomorrow is the Papillion day.
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Voice, I am discouraged. I saw the doctor and I am scheduled for some specific therapy with the singing and pathology coaches. I see him in 5 weeks. I have made progress but it has been 4 months 1 week since the operation. I will give it 6 months and then schedule an appointment with Dr. Thomas if I am not satisfied with the progress. I may post monthly recordings and get input from people here. 
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It's been a long and rough road, but you are winning Rachel.  If you can stay clear of addiction and ideation you can put up with not everything going to plan.  I think you have been an inspiration to many people in the forum.

Hi Mary, thank you for your kind words.

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So I am seeing my therapist every other week. Tuesday is when I see her next. I kind of think we are pretty much done. I am getting use to being alone and although I will always feel exposed and vulnerable I am dealing with it.

Being alone has some good sides to it. I do not get negative comments all the time (constant). I do not fear physical harm from someone I live with. I am just realizing how good that feels.

I am alone but I work with people and have work relationships there. I take two to three spinning classes a week and there is contact there. I could do meetups or go to LGBT specific social events too. Risk and change is difficult. The risk is putting myself out there and not finding someone, finding someone that is abusive, finding someone that is nice and I want to spend time with. What do I want.

Being vulnerable and having hopes dashed, trying and failing are all things that hold me back. Again, I am holding myself back. I recognize this as a hurdle and I want to tackle it.
-----------------------------

Electrolysis is really getting on my nerves . I really need to get this hair thing done. The hair on my face will not give up. It is really a pain . Seriously electrolysis I really getting me down. I am hoping to get the hair thing under control this year.

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Heya girl, please do not overthink all the issues and things that you mentioned in your last posting.
Regarding your therapy and therapist... only stop seeing your therapist when you feel comfortable doing so but based on all that you said, I am thinking that continuing on with your therapist would be a good thing.

I can understand completely about being alone... I have never been married and I only have been in one serious relationship when I was in college, many years before I transitioned.  Yes, being alone does have it's good points that I do take advantage of...  but I see so many of my friends that are in happy and wonderful relationships and I envy them many times for the things that they do and share with each other.

I know that you have read my thread and commented there often so you do know my story and the fact that I am dealing with lots of local friendships with both men and women... and burgeoning relationships involving my interested suitors.  I find this exciting for sure but also quite frightening to me as well... because now I am dealing with this as a woman... new territory for sure.   Yes, as you stated:  "Risk and change is difficult"
But the old saying..... "no risk, no reward"  .....  is ever-present in everything we do.

I apologize for my reply sounding like a pep-talk for you, but regarding what you stated about trying and failing...
... we have all heard "that it is better to have tried and failed then to have never tried"..... and toward the final years of their lives, most people will say that "they don't regret what they did in their life near as much as what they didn't do."   Those points certainly apply to all of us that are transitioning but also in just about every other life endeavor.

Regarding your fears about electrolysis.... get it done, it is a big important step in your transition goals.  Consider it like going to the Dentist... it is usually not a pleasant thing to do, but it has to be done....  (I know, that was a very poor analogy) .

Wishing you well and please keep keeping on, you have worked too hard and long to not continue on to your personally positive and happy results.

Please know that I consider you to be a very positive and most supportive member here on the Forums and your posts and comments offer so much help and kind thoughts on a lot of the various thread benefiting many here.  You are an invaluable resource here on Susan's.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

 Hi Rachel,

  I had my last meeting with my therapist on the 10th. I did not set another appointment with him because I thought I had no pressing problems to talk about. We left it open for me to call and make an appointment if I feel the need to do so. Since then I have been having second thoughts about that decision. I am now looking at GCS with Kaiser. This decision came after talking to my therapist. It has occurred to me that I may have call to talk about this some more.
  I also remembered an incident on this last road trip that kind of threw me for a loop during a talk several of us were having regarding children and acceptance. I sort of zoned out with painful thoughts of how my experience wasn't good like theirs were. That pain is still there just beyond the shadows. It found it's way free for a little bit. I am thankful I am still taking my antidepressant. I hate to think how I might have been without it then. Needless to say I put a damper on the conversation. I may yet have more to talk about with my therapist.
  Anyway, what I am trying to say is think carefully about ending that relationship.
  As far as the companionship thing goes I am sure it is difficult to put yourself out there but you will probably need to at least give it a try. I know two people that are older than you are Hun, that thought they would live to the end of their days alone. In spite of their despair they happened to meet and unexpectedly something happened between them and they are now girlfriends. You no doubt know I am talking about Michelle and myself. So Rachel it can happen and there is more hope for a younger lady like yourself. There is someone out there for you. Go find him or her.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Edit: changed not to now typo. ljw

Quote from: Rachel on September 30, 2018, 06:47:38 PM
Electrolysis is really getting on my nerves . I really need to get this hair thing done. The hair on my face will not give up. It is really a pain . Seriously electrolysis I really getting me down. I am hoping to get the hair thing under control this year.

Hi, Rachel.  I hear you about electrolysis.  I hate it.  I hate the fact that I have to go every week.  I hate growing out my stubble for several days.  I hate the pain. 

But I like the fact that I can now, coming on for two years in, feel progress.  There is an end in sight.  I like my electrologist.  She is a nice person, and very competent at what she does.  I like that my meditation skills have improved, thanks to the need to detach from the pain.

Hang in there.  It has to be done, and you will be glad that you did it.

Rachel I understand the electrolysis stress as well.  I'm getting near the end but not close enough.  Argh!  I do not go out on the days I grow out so I am frustrated with regrowth.  At least I'm pretty much down to the white hairs.  Hang in there.  It will end soon!
Judi