I think passing is very important for many trans. I also think it is how our society works, being one of the herd. I am 6'2" so that is an issue. There are a lot of females where I work and there are  some my height or close to it. I would estimate 12,000 females where I work with 1 percent my height and 5 percent  6 foot. Mostly the younger woman are taller.

I think wanting to be pretty and thin and have means are also things ingrained in our culture.

At work I look at the woman my age and I think I am doing pretty good. I could be better looking or a few elusive pounds lighter or a few inches shorter. Every woman feels a bit insecure about their looks.

So is it normal to want something society places a high value on? Yup.

If that's your picture posted at this link, you are mistaken because I can't even tell you are transgender. You look like a natural cis female to me.

Quote from: big kim on June 27, 2018, 05:07:00 PM
I don't pass, 6'1& 1./2". big build growly voice but am accepted 99% of the  time https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/31046354_621161471568380_2876802617080545280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=292f91bc5310396ae016fe03e6621f80&oe=5BB30DE8 I'm 60 but feel OK with my looks

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This is offered as more of a zen koan than anything else, (i.e. a question/problem that does not have a clearly defined answer as in mathematics) it is meant rather to stimulate contemplation:

What are you trying to pass as?

Thanks Lady Skylar, you look good . Just a quick snap at work, don't do make up since I got an eye infection & started to ride bikes again. No FFS but had teeth straightened

Quote from: Janes Groove on June 27, 2018, 11:27:47 PM
This is offered as more of a zen koan than anything else, (i.e. a question/problem that does not have a clearly defined answer as in mathematics) it is meant rather to stimulate contemplation:

What are you trying to pass as?

A cisgender female

I think passability is definitely important for me. I know I'm clockable and will probably be for a long time, but being able to blend into the crowd is what I want the most.

I don't pass. I hope to at least blend in for my own safety and sanity.  I am not doing this to 'abandon the cause', or 'go stealth'.  I am not doing this to please the Cis-Hetero Patriarchy.  I will still be teaching, and training people on gender issues.  I will still be out, loud, and proud. 

I just want to be able to ride on the train and not get slugged.  I want to be able to walk in a march and not be surrounded by people screaming at me for 'invading their space' because of my obvious origins.

I want to be treated as a human being now, not in 50-100 years after my activism has finally taken root and produced results.

I don't see this as being any more selfish than the rest of my transition.

I was misgendered a couple of hours ago by another worship associate during a meeting.  They have only known me since I went full time.   They did not even realize that they had done it.  This in spite of two years of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), 18 months of voice work, pretty damn good makeup and hair, wardrobe, and strong femme socialization.

I still have too many male cues.  I'm going ahead with Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) in two months to improve my chances of blending in and being seen as female.

Quote from: big kim on June 28, 2018, 01:26:16 AM
Thanks Lady Skylar, you look good . Just a quick snap at work, don't do make up since I got an eye infection & started to ride bikes again. No FFS but had teeth straightened

Thank you Kim. I just hope I start looking more feminine when the hormone replacement kicks in. I really hope I won't need extensive costly surgeries to get the results I'm hoping for. I'm a disabled combat veteran on a fixed income so ffs or any other kind of surgeries are most likely out of my budget for now.

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Hi, I´m Danielle,
this is really my biggest concern. Passing...!
I´ve been considering to transition for 20 years now.
In the meantime I´ve married and have become the father of three.
Nevertheless I´ve not been able to put this feelings aside and finally I want to do it. To become the woman I always felt I was. I´m 43 years old now and have been on hormones for one month.
Is passing really feasable? I do not want to be an annoyance the rest of my life for my kids!

Quote from: danielleplatz on August 25, 2018, 03:52:28 PM
Hi, I´m Danielle,
this is really my biggest concern. Passing...!
I´ve been considering to transition for 20 years now.
In the meantime I´ve married and have become the father of three.
Nevertheless I´ve not been able to put this feelings aside and finally I want to do it. To become the woman I always felt I was. I´m 43 years old now and have been on hormones for one month.
Is passing really feasable? I do not want to be an annoyance the rest of my life for my kids!

Hi Danielle,

Welcome to Susan's Place and thank you for posting your thoughts.

As far as passing as a female, it obviously depends on what you look like now.

The other issue of what transition will mean to your kids, well, it will be far more than "annoying". It will be as life-changing for them as it will for you, and  whether or not you pass will be secondary to the profound ramifications of your coming out as transgender in the first place.

Are you taking hormones with the consent of your wife?  Is she supportive or your transition, or is this a choice of transition or staying married?  There is so much you don't mention. There is a lot to talk about.  For that, at least, you have come to the right place.  So many of us have faced the issues you are now dealing with. I myself have two boys from my marriage, and chose to transition at age 56.  It is not an easy path you are contemplating, but it can be done.

With kindness,

Terri

Quote from: danielleplatz on August 25, 2018, 03:52:28 PM
Hi, I´m Danielle,
this is really my biggest concern. Passing...!
I´ve been considering to transition for 20 years now.
In the meantime I´ve married and have become the father of three.
Nevertheless I´ve not been able to put this feelings aside and finally I want to do it. To become the woman I always felt I was. I´m 43 years old now and have been on hormones for one month.
Is passing really feasable? I do not want to be an annoyance the rest of my life for my kids!

Hi, Danielle!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

There are lots of dimensions to "passing".  There is physical appearance, of course.  With a year ot two of HRT, even many of us older transitioners (I am 63) are fairly passable.  I do not draw attention in a restaurant, so I have to assume that my appearance is fairly ordinary, i.e. "passable".

There are also movement and mannerisms.  I am still a work in progress there, but again, I do not draw undue attention.  At least this is something that you have good control over and that can be learned.

And finally, there is voice.  For many of us, this is the weak area.  It can be difficult to control one's voice well enough to sound indistinguishable from a cis woman.  However, it is possible to make considerable progress in that direction, with suitable coaching and practise.

It also matters how well one wants to pass.  It is less a matter of whether you pass and more a matter of how well you pass.  I pass well enough to be presumed female, at least until I speak.  And I pass well enough to be treated as female even after I speak.  To me, this is "well enough".

Family can get used to new appearances if there is love there.  I wish you well with your transition.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Personally, I really only care about 'passing' as cis for safety reasons.  If I'm in a safe and accepting area, and people can guess that I'm trans, I'm fine with that as long as they're respectful about it and don't treat me like a guy.  I'm still trying to sort out whether I'm female or fem-leaning non-binary though, so my feelings on passing might change over time as I figure myself out.

I have been on HRT for almost 4 months, and I've reached a point of looking much more androgynous than I did before, and I'm really happy about that!  I don't know in the long term whether I'll feel better looking completely female or slightly more androgynous, but for now at least, not being assumed male all the time is so validating!

As far as how I've been treated looking this way, I have had a few people give me a slightly puzzled look, or sort of stare at my face for a bit, as if they're trying to figure me out, but so far no one has been outright mean about it or anything.  On average though, people are generally much friendlier towards me now than they were a few months ago, which I'd guess is due to me being happier and more outgoing now that I feel better about myself and my appearance.

As some others have mentioned, I've also found that voice, posture, and mannerisms make a big difference.  I live in a fairly tolerant area and I definitely wouldn't attempt this everywhere, but even with baggy male clothing, no makeup, and a minor beard shadow, I can be gendered female pretty reliably if I use my more feminine voice and mannerisms and do so with confidence.

Quote from: danielleplatz on August 25, 2018, 03:52:28 PM
Hi, I´m Danielle,
this is really my biggest concern. Passing...!
I´ve been considering to transition for 20 years now.
In the meantime I´ve married and have become the father of three.
Nevertheless I´ve not been able to put this feelings aside and finally I want to do it. To become the woman I always felt I was. I´m 43 years old now and have been on hormones for one month.
Is passing really feasable? I do not want to be an annoyance the rest of my life for my kids!

@danielleplatz
Danielle   
Greetings to you from another "Danielle" 
I am so glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting introduction posting with other members here on the Forums. 

I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

I see that you have already been welcomed by our lovely member @KathyLauren .. .
but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 

You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
 
I see that KathyLauren gave you Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Oh and one more thing...as KathyLauren suggested be certain to go the  the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself so you can get more give and take... and sharing your questions and experiences with others.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle  (the Alaskan one) Northern Star*Girl   
                                               

Quote from: annaleaver on June 26, 2018, 06:07:58 AM
Is being able to pass, ie. not being outed in public spaces, important to your transition

Passing was VITAL to my female alter. The alternative would have been suicide.

Quote from: zamber74 on June 27, 2018, 09:28:13 AM
I'm not as concerned if people treat me like a woman, more so that they do not treat me poorly.  If I ever do get the strength to transition, it is going to be for me, so that I feel right in my own body, even if I rarely leave the house as my desired gender, at least under my clothes I won't feel so mismatched. 

Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to convey why passing would be important to me.  I've actually gone through my post and deleted portions as to keep from turning this into a novel and taking over your thread

What you can do is to treat people with respect.  And find and or establish safe areas where you know you are welcome.  If you can afford it, go to family run restaurants and tip well.  If you treat them well they will reciprocate.

Hello Maybebaby56, KathyLauren and Alaskan Danielle (especially you of course ;-),
I want to thank you very much for the warm welcome and your supportive comments.
There´s no guarantee for passing of course, however seeing into what beautiful women you´ve transitioned will serve as a encouragement to me!
As for the familiy it is really hard what will come out of it. I always wanted to be a very reliable father and caretaker of my family and I do not want to cause psychological harm to my loved ones. I fear that I´ll be responsible for something happening to them, following this way. There´s no easy and perfect road to do this, I guess.

And as per your request I´ll make sure to visit the introduction site of course!

Quote from: MissyMay2.0 on June 26, 2018, 11:22:22 AM
It is absolutely important to me, which is why I didn't transition until I had enough money for my first round of FFS. I am very realistic though, so I realize I don't pass 100%, but as others have mentioned, I'm content with being accepted and treated as a women 100% of the time, because it is just as good as passing 100% of time to me. And the aforementioned philosophy relieves a lot of stress, because I don't have to constantly wonder if people can tell if I'm trans or not; I just assume they may or may not, and I go about my day.

@MissyMay....Missy's thoughts are very aligned with my own...

I believe that happiness and fulfillment can be found without hitting that 100% mark... Seeking 100% comes with its own set of challenges and if we give ourself no wiggle room... can be a quick path to utter misery..  When we seek to just pass as ourself... we always pass and we are open to all the journey has to offer... Our every interaction needn't be filled with worry about being discovered... They can be chances to make real joyful connections between our true inner self and the world around us... I believe that most of us here are seeking true connection through our transition.... Go make your life amazing!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀💕🌻