Thanks dear. I have become very involved and very outspoken and outgoing and as I've said before if I can help One person along the way and never harm anyone I am happy lady

Wow. Did I get in a funk yesterday. I hate the black spaces. I hate the thoughts that come with the black spaces. Stressing about relationships and life and money and space and work all just caught up to me. I reached for the damn bottle again but then thought better if that and I'm stress eating again. Damn customers are 50 days past due on a majorly large invoice and I'm trying to make wages  and bills until other work is paid. I'm wondering if Monday isn't playing into this as well, I'm two days away from signing away my boys and I know I need it but I have never voluntarily given up a body part that wasn't trying to kill me. But I guess they are trying to kill me in a way. I need to make it to Monday afternoon to see how I feel. I got so angry that I did a poison pill email to the pricks in my life. I have it set to go to them but it is also going to go to every family member that has stayed quiet about the way they have been treating me. Yes they have to the most part been saying they are acceptingn but actions or inactions say a lot too. We can't  come around with out an invite or we don't want to intrude, such BS. Never stopped them before.
This is the email I did and I've censored it a bit as I was really pissed when I wrote it but I think it still reflects my feelings. My wife knows about it and she knows about the darkness as we talked into the wee hours this morning. Unfortunately she also gets angry knowing I feel this way about her boys, but they are the cause of it.
This is it

Thanks guys and I hope your ready to step up and take care of your mom. You are driving a wedge further and further between us. I'd like nothing more than to start healing but no, that can't happen. Marilyn is not in good health and you just want your demands and controls in place. How do you figure I'm placing any more stress on her by transitioning than you are in rejecting her love and soul mate. Meet us in a park, come to our house. Guarantee that Donna will not be around. Well who do you think has to Do all the work to Make that happens. I have no problem with it but for Pete's sakes why do you have to be so ignorant. We can be happy but this is no different than you buying Lanny bottles and then saying, mom get your life straighten out with him. I'm not causing you any harm and I truly love Marilyn and want to
Continue doing that but I can't when everytime your names come up it turns the screws even more. Go ahead drive that wedge even further. At some point you will permanently split us apart and who will be there to help your mom. Surly you will all step up and put your money where your mouth is.
You will be here or have someone here 24/7 to cook and clean and bath and care for her. You will Put your life on hold and only be here for her. You will listen to her scream in pain when moving. You will tend for all her daily needs and work everyday as well. Oh don't forget you might get 5 hours of sleep a night but not all at once. Don't forget leaving work to come home and assist. Are you all ready because that is where this is heading. Continue being so uncaring and her support system that you haven't even cared to learn about will no longer have a any choice but to leave. Not that I won't stay and not that I can't stay but I can't continue to be attacked from all sides. Marilyn has her issues with me and they are valid and we are dealing with it but I sure as sh-t don't need you guys causing even more sh-t. Withholding the grandkids, yes the ones that don't even ask about me when they call grandma. I guess like I said the other day. I'm either invisible or I 'm dead. Guess the second one is how you would rather see me. I really hope you will be happy that I'm no Longer transitioning with my wonderful wife. You don't have a clue what my life was and has been like to deal with. I finally found true Inner peace and happiness but unfortunately that is only One sided because not one of you cares or Has ever asked if I'm happy, only how much do I have to give, how far am I willing to go to help other. Give give give and you all take take take. Forget Christmas and birthdays, mother and Father's Day all mean jack sh-t. There's no reason that after us spending $1000 dollars of very hard earned money on your  family's  that a box of chocolates or trivia card is the way you show you really appreciate everything we have given and you have taken.
I'm just so sick of this and so done that I don't give a damn anymore. Wow thanks for being the most uncaring spoiled pricks I've ever meet.

Please forgive the language but I did clean it up. This will go to everyone in the family and I'm not going to have those two pricks control the narrative. I want all family member to know exactly what was said rather than just the pricks versions.
I've got to get back to loving me and find my smile again. I know it's here somewhere.

Hi Donna,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I can totally understand your view, those boys have driven you to a desperate place, and are making you and your wife suffer because of there own bigotry and ignorance, while I don't drink I do reach for the chocolate and bread bin when I'm down and regret it later which makes me worse, so I also feel you there.

I don't think it's my place to say one way or another whether it is the right thing to do to send the email to your family, I respect your decision on that, however I would like to draw a parallel to something similar I did last year, and how I feel about it now. My sister has not properly accepted me and like you pointed out actions or inactions say a lot, and her inactions wrote a book, I sent her an email of a similar tone to yours thanking her for her concern for my wife and family while we were going through quite possibly the worst period in our lives etc, it felt great to send that off to her, I was getting my point across and she was going to listen! Only I then felt even worse after a bit, and her reply rather than being conciliatory was bitter and her true feelings were exposed. I suppose my point is are you prepared for what may be the fall-out, and will you feel guilty about it afterwards i.e. will it make you feel worse inside? Some people have very thick skins especially people who sound like those boys, will it roll off there backs and help there poisonous agenda, but hurt you more, are there words that could be turn back around at you to hurt you later on?

I'm not saying one way or another whether to send it, just sharing my experience. I have followed your posts for some time and you have my support.

With lots of hugs

Nicole

So a quick note and update. The orchi date is set for August 24 2018. If a cancer case comes in I could get bumped and then it would be October. So here's hoping
It stay with August

Hi Donna,

  I am hoping right along with you that you do not get bumped. You are ahead of me with these decisions. I've just open that door and am peeking in. You go girl!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie.
My urologist is being super about this. As soon as he meet me as Donna the first time he asked if I'd like them gone. I have some majorly painfull cysts so he is doing it for a medical reason as opposed to the long wait on the transgender side. He is the surgeon that did my prostatectomy so he knows me very well and I had talked to him in the past about removing all the boy bits. This is why he put me on eligard, then I could experience no T before removal and see if I love it. I am 4 months with T in the .75-1.5 range, I received a second injection today to hold me there until the surgery and just in case it gets bumped. This shot will cover me for 4 months now and very soon I will be starting a different  estrogen treatment plan with my new doctor. I do very much love the way I feel now and the changes and everything are amazing and wonderful.

Sorry peeps if my language above was over the top. I was in a very bad and black space this weekend and posted what was in my head. My apologies to Susan and the mods and everyone here for the language

This is a powerful story. I hope to read more about your journey as time goes on [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G935W8 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Donna on July 01, 2018, 07:47:51 AM
So last night I started thinking, and yes that's a bad thing for me.
The world has a funny way of telling you things and I for one didn't see it even thought it's sort of plain out there.
Last night laying down in bed thoughts turned to my dad. He past in May of 2015
It was at his funeral that I laughed when I found out my molester was dead and at the same time didn't cause his children pain be confronting them as planned at the funeral.
My emotions started breaking thru after that and have come rushing back.
I did know that a lot of my desicions of late have revolved around May since then.
May of 2016 I started buying bras and wearing them for comfort and I had hated dressing up in bras previously and I noticed there was no arousal factor with it like a fetish.
This was all without my wife's knowledge and the wearing was sort of part time. 4/5 days a week but a sport bra to sleep in under my pj's.
In May of 2017 after some thought and research based on my urologist wanting to lower my T but not qualifying for coverage for the meds I started messing with herbals and built the whole cocktail of anti androgens and phytoestrogens and started on the heavy. Things started working well and then my medical came along and the doctor was exposed to the bra and breast changes and it was decided to put me in spiro and dutatriside and do it right. The rest is written about here and that brings me up to May of 2018. The government lowered and or dropped a lot of requirements for gender marker change. I changed my name legally and then my marker and now working in a the rest of the changes. Sure don't realize how many there are. Last night laying in bed thinking about dad and I see the viewing and then the burial and heard my dad in my head and then realized that May just happened again. With all the times I could have processed paperwork I sent it when I did. I didn't know the laws where changing and didn't know what the time delay would be to get the name change back, it had been 3 months at one point.
I dropped off my paperwork to the government office on May 11, they processed the request and approved it on May 16, the three year anniversary of dad's death and I had it in my hand on May 22. The third anniversary of the service and burial and the day I finally released  my pain and emotions. I'm not overly spiritual but this had to be my dad's acceptance of Donna.
And now the tears are flowing

So another interseting item came up tonight during a thunderstorm. I fall back on the May references. May 2012 was also when our building got hit be lightning and blew a 4 foot hole in the roof above our bathroom and burnt up $9000 worth of my electronics. Lol how things pop into your mind. May is also the month my daughter was born.

So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

Quote from: Donna on August 24, 2018, 10:11:02 PM
So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

Hi Donna,                     24 Aug 2018

Congratulations Donna; welcome to the zero testosterone club. I think you will enjoy the peace, tranquility and almost zero aggression. Some aggression is learned and I have had to try to rid myself of it; I'm making good progress.

All the best to you and hope the healing is rapid and painless.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Donna

I am so happy everything went well surgically and also socially! Congratulations you must be so relieved and so delighted. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Hugs

Pamela

Congratulations on having the boys move out for good!

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 25, 2018, 11:42:48 AM
Congratulations on having the boys move out for good!

Hi Kathy,             26 Aug 2018

I couldn't wait to have mine removed. I remember the day like it was (yesterday)  Friday 13 April 2018. I was one happy lady to be waiting for the surgery to begin. About 30 minutes later I awoke without testicles. I wouldn't go back for anything. Riding my body of those nasty things was a dream come true.

I have to say my life is now the happiest it has ever been.

Best to you Kathy; Donna, I hope you have a great life, you have more than earned it.

Best Always, Love
Christine

@Donna
Dear Donna:
This is such good news and a wonderful update for me to read.   All of this went about as well as it possibly could... and the support from your trans-lady friends was wonderful for me to hear about.... and it was certainly wonderful for you to get that kind of kindness and comfort from like-minded friends.   

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall listening to your conversation with each other during your coffee time after you were released from the hospital....

Like you stated.... now waiting for your next adventure!!!
Thanks for your update and including all of us in your transition adventure as you reach for your goals.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Donna on August 24, 2018, 10:11:02 PM
So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

yyyyyaaaaaaayyyyy so happy for you ..... you sound slightly different on the phone too

Lol Laurie I feel different. I'm so
Much happier and calmer.
Thank you Danielle, you didn't need to be a fly on the wall. The conversations in the hospital with the three of us together was turning heads maybe I was a little loopy and loud. The lady across from us didn't really know what to make of us.
The staff where so nice as well, when I came back from surgery and before the girls came in the nurse got me comfortable and then said. I think you have something in your clothes bag you would like, she reached in and got my wig out and helped me put it on and only then did she open the curtains. It was so considerate of her and she wasn't there when I left. One of the other nurses asked her to help with that. The swelling is down a lot tonight and the flatness is great looking and feeling. Another benefit I noticed is my penis has retracted even farther and with the swelling still inside I only have a little less then one inch sticking out and it's all foreskin. This satisfies my vision of me for now

Ten days out from the orchi. Feeling great and back to 90%. T was at 0.2 and get my next test in a week. E is increased and that's making me feel even better with lots of new changes.
I did my first pride parade this weekend and just loved it. I was with a group that supports trans youth and gender questioning kids. I supplied the truck and trailer for the groups float and then got to drive as the first float in the parade. It was an amazing and very huge emotional event for me and I crashed afterwards from all the adrenaline rush. I'm still buzzing and happy high from the whole event.
While we were waiting I was interviewed with one of my trans lady girlfriends by a major network.
My girl friend was interviewed as well and when the news came on that evening the opening and intro was my interview. After the intro they went to parade coverage and came back with my friends interview and then my interview. It was great to see it and just topped of the entire day.
Another transgirl friend did a music video a couple weeks ago and she just loved it. So today she was contacted by the producer about another video. It is a song about a child transitioning and shows the progress from 7 yrs to old age. She has been asked  to be in it and bring more trans friends for the different age ranges. I'm getting to play the older transwoman part which is just fantastic, so many happy and positive things happening in my life.
The next thing is on the 19th of September, the Alberta government is implementing a mandatory training course for all new doctors for transgender care and assessment and sexual health. Currently this is only a voluntary option and the new course will start for the 2020 school year.
I and a few others have been asked to volunteer and come in to teach a course to students now. We will be with a doctor already looking after trans patients. We will teach three classes of 12 students and cover one of three different case studies. I have chosen a doctor that is covering all three cases and will be teaching with him. Our rolls as transgender patients will be to see how the students interact, ask questions of the trans patient and how they address our needs and concerns. The current issue they are dealing with is that doctors don't understand the uniqueness of each of us. This should be an interesting learning experience for me.
This may be my final post in here and if it is I wish all well.

snipped: 

Quote from: Donna on September 04, 2018, 11:11:27 PM
Ten days out from the orchi. Feeling great and back to 90%. T was at 0.2 and get my next test in a week. E is increased and that's making me feel even better with lots of new changes.
I did my first pride parade this weekend and just loved it. I was with a group that supports trans youth and gender questioning kids. I supplied the truck and trailer for the groups float and then got to drive as the first float in the parade. It was an amazing and very huge emotional event for me and I crashed afterwards from all the adrenaline rush. I'm still buzzing and happy high from the whole event.
- - - - - - -
   - - - - - - -- - 
This may be my final post in here and if it is I wish all well.

@Donna
Dear Donna:
I was just about to tell you that I enjoyed reading your "good news" post  along with Orchi report and trans parade update....   
BUT... WHAT IS THIS WITH YOUR STATEMENT ABOUT THIS MAYBE BEING YOUR LAST POST

I love following your thread and your various postings around the forums.

Hugs and hugs, and best wishes as always.
Danielle

Hello Donna

I have really enjoyed following your thread and if is your last post on it, I am sure you will continue to post and provide help to many in other posts either of your chosen topic or others' chosen topics.

I am happy you are feeling better physically and emotionally and that you are "spreading the word" and actively campaigning for better transgender understanding and care and rights.

Thank you for your inspirational posts and I look to forward to hearing from you further if and when you wish.

Thanks and Hugs

Pamela  xx