As much as I want to... I watched my fiancé go through vaginoplasty and to be honest... I'm scared. I'm nothing more than a pu**y. I am too much of a chicken to go through that pain.

And seeing how much support she actually needs... I don't have any family who cares about me. She can't take off... she's getting the support from her mother. Then her step mother and father are going to be helping her starting today (and her step mom insists she stays for a month.) I am only allowed over there from the hours of 8AM to 7PM (I work til 5 and get home around 5:45)

I just don't have that support to transition...

So hi... I'm reintroducing myself. My name is Jesse.

Many people that transition are comfortable without bottom surgery. You've gotta do what's right for you.


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Nice to meet you Jesse.
You and only you decide who you are and what do you need to be yourself. Not your fiance, not family, not therapists. If you don't want go through surgery - your choice. If you want make step back - it is your choice. But I personally think that talking about it with your fiance would be nice. After all both of you supposed to taking care of each other. May she be your support with all her family?

Quote from: jessilynn on August 21, 2018, 10:36:59 AM
As much as I want to... I watched my fiancé go through vaginoplasty and to be honest... I'm scared. I'm nothing more than a pu**y. I am too much of a chicken to go through that pain.

And seeing how much support she actually needs... I don't have any family who cares about me. She can't take off... she's getting the support from her mother. Then her step mother and father are going to be helping her starting today (and her step mom insists she stays for a month.) I am only allowed over there from the hours of 8AM to 7PM (I work til 5 and get home around 5:45)

I just don't have that support to transition...

So hi... I'm reintroducing myself. My name is Jesse.

@jessilynn
Dear Jesse:   
I am so very sorry to read about your most difficult situation and certainly a very tough and painful decision that you have made.   
You know best about what is involved with your life direction and you have to do what makes sense to you and your fiancé.

Please keep us posted about what is happening.  You will find that no matter what decision that you make that you will find support and friendship here.   It is most helpful to vent about these life issues... feel very free to do that here.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Non-OP is an option for many of us. Unfortunately, the biggest reason is financial concerns.

If your major concern is pain, then all I can say is that some of us have little or no pain post vaginoplasty. If your surgery is painful, there are medications for that and the pain does goes away when you heal. Recovery can sometimes be a little rough, but within a month, I was up and walking around.


(Edited by moderator)

Not everyone is in pain after surgery. I´m approaching 7 weeks post-op and I´mostly fine, walking, sitting, going to gym and even contemplating of having sex.

And yes, I´m surprised as well how smooth this has been.

But of course, no surgery route is just as good as well, just as long as it´s what you want. That is all that matters.

Sorry to hear about your set back.

I can't speak to surgery, but I can attest to the fact that being transgender is not a choice and it gets louder and louder.  And while we work through phases dysphoria often goes away....  Albiet, only for periods of time, and then it is back.   The thing that keeps me in a good place is baby steps and one day at a time.

Be kind to yourself and breath.   For me, the idea of surgery does not hold me back...the idea of upsetting my entire life does hold me back and is a big source of fear.   But it does not mean I can live without dysphoria and finding baby steps and ways of moving forward. 

Hugs

Karen

Hello Jesse

My advice would be to take this only as far as you wish. I note you fear GCS and your lack of support.

Not everyone goes the whole way to GCS; there are several other options including no surgery at all but living female as most transgirls do or Orchie or ZDV.

I would not completely give up on transition unless you are sure.

I wish you happiness whichever option you chose.

Hugs

Pamela

HEy all. Thanks for the support and all. Ive been going through a rough time. And I did turn to self harming. :/

I did talk to my fiancé who is up and about. She does not want me to give up on my transition because she knows the impact that would have on me.

She keeps calling me "Jessilynn" and "Baby Girl" to really put it in my head that we both know I'm a woman. Most importantly HER woman. So the support is the one thing that scares the sh*t out of me. I won't have support post op... because she will be working hard to make ends meet. I still kinda feel selfish about that.

So she pretty much told me that for my mental health I MUST transition physically. And I know all of my therapists agree. So I know what I have to do. I know my main therapist said "once you transition, you'll likely be ready to come off a majority of your psyche meds. Which would be nice. I take a handful of Escitalopram, divalproex, and clozapine every night. Along with a medication for anxiety as needed. AND they want to get me on aripiprazole (abilify)

And I've been on the clozapine for a while, and the divalproex just gets me sick. It's be nice to be off them. And it appears that all my medical team agrees that transition will help me.

So I ask that you all wish me luck. I'm going to need it. I'm a pain wuss.

Good the hear from you.   Good luck as you move forward.  Your honesty and courage is awesome.

Hugs

Karen

Jesse,
   I don't know how old you are, but sometimes a plan needs to be more long term. Maybe it is possible to transition, keeping a long term plan of surgery if you so desire. In  the mean time, you could  gather resources so that you might find someone to help through your surgery down times. Just making progress can make you feel better. If transition is what you need, put your head to work getting that plan, then take positive steps toward it. Giving up your dreams, works, well... until it doesn't. You know dysphoria doesn't loosen its grip for long.

There is no law that says, "you HAVE to have GRS or HRT in order to be transgender."  I know plenty of transgender people that have chosen to not do GRS, or even HRT, yet they are still trans.  They still attend trans support groups, they still go to a gender therapist, they still are trans. 

I too am a "pain wuss," but I also know that they will give me pain meds after any surgeries I have.  I hate the idea of the pain, but for me, I need to become the man I should have become during puberty.  Stay strong, you can do what's best for you, just don't hurt yourself, okay?  It can only make things worse.

tl;dr: There is no such thing as "not trans enough!!!  You can still be trans and live in your original, unHRT, unGRS body.  You do what's best for you, and no one else.  Don't hurt yourself, you're not alone!  You have your fiancé!  You're stronger than you think.

We're here to help/support/vent to/etc for each other!  Feel free to talk, many of us have been there.

And welcome!

Ryuichi

Hello again Jessilynn

I note you have wisely reverted again to the above name.

Last week I wished you every happiness and now as requested I am very happy to wish you luck as you proceed.

Hugs

Pamela