Hi, I'm Stacie
I'm 48 years old, married with a beautiful 12 year old daughter and 2 late teen stepsons. I am just starting my journey to become a who I feel I really am.
I have dressed in women's clothes on and off since I was 12, I still remember walking around the house in one of my Mum's frocks. when I was around 14, I used to imagine the world stopping apart from me, and I would walk into a ladies clothes shop, take all my male clothes off, dump them on the floor and live the rest of my life as a girl. my family knew I used to dress up although they didn't physically catch me or me tell them. I was confronted my my stepmother who asked 'do I like boys'. I was 16 then. I answered truthfully no and it was never mentioned again. Apparently, although I can't remember, my parents took me to see a psychologist about my dressing.
Come 19 and I joined the Navy and was in there for 3 1/2 years, Unfortunately I was medically discharged after having an accident and injuring my back. I didn't dress in the Navy, nor did I think twice about it, I was a man in the service of my country. I wasn't overly popular, I don't mix well with other men, but did have a few friends. I was always able to pull the ladies though.
When I left the Navy, the dressing up didn't come back, I met and married my first wife in haste I might add so was never really happy. I was 23. I started having erection issues after 4 years, at the same time I started dressing again. I just loved the way ladies clothes made me feel. I wished I could have gone out dressed then, but was too scared. I visited a dressing service a couple of times and had some pictures taken. When the makeup was on and fully dressed It was like a Euphoric moment. They let me hang around in the lounge, would come and chat to me, it felt so right. the down side came when it was time to change back.
I used to meet up privately with other crossdressers and a couple of times did go a bit further than just talking and being girly, but only to the point of mutual Oral. I bought a whole load of clothes and accessories and hid them away so my wife wouldn't find them. I would dress at every opportunity I had. My wife found some pictures of myself dressed in some of her clothes playing with a toy. The marriage ended. I was 32.
I moved into my own place and almost immediately went out and bought myself loads of clothes and things, and would wear them around the house when at home on my own all the time. In fact, I wore those clothes more than my male clothes. If I went out, I would always have lingerie on. I dated a few women but was still dressing whenever at home, up until I moved to work in Cyprus when I was 34. I didn't dress out there and it never crossed my mind. I met my second wife when I came back to the UK for a couple of months and she moved out there to be with me, with her 2 boys. We were happy, I loved her very much, she was everything I look for in a woman. We had a daughter together and we moved back to the UK when my contract finished. We had our ups and downs, but she suffered with PMDD which is an extreme case of PMT. I would get accused of all sorts just out of the blue, this would be for at least 8 days every month. It put such a strain on us and it made me question myself.
The dressing started again almost immediately. I was working away and when in my digs I would dress, I started wearing lingerie to work again, I met up with other crossdresser, but this time it would mostly become sexual. I was bottom and it wasn't only Oral. I really enjoyed these encounters I am guilty to say. Eventually however my wife found a picture of me dressed on my phone. She confronted me and I blurted out that I liked to dress in womens clothes and that it made me feel sexy. after hours of talking and questions, some of which I couldn't tell the full truth too she accepted it was part of me.
I'm not sure what happed a year later, it's a bit hazy, but after 1 particular argument about my dressing, I took myself off for and slept in the car. I couldn't face being in the house with her. I came home to find them all out, I hadn't answered my phone all night even though I had had loads of messages from her. She called again and I was in tears big time at this time, and I blurted out then that I wanted to become a woman. I couldn't face her, I wanted to run away, but she made me face her, and I just said I said it in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean it. My dressing pretty much ended at that point,
I went to see a councilor about me, and my wife went to see a councilor about her PMDD. She ended up having a hysterectomy as she was allergic to her own hormones, as for me, there was very little help. I didn't see a gender specialist. Time has gone on, I have had my dressing thrown at me countless times in arguments, but the arguments are not nearly as bad. It was the other night when we were making love and I caught myself imagining that I was her and she was me, making love to me. This caused the blood to flow to all the right places and the erectile dysfunction to go away. it was the best sex I had ever had, and even she commented to say where did that come from.
Of course this has sparked a whole load of things whirling around my head, and I had to put everything into context. I realized that the reason my wife was everything I looked for in a woman is because she is every I want to be in a woman. I have never really enjoyed penetrative sex with a woman, I do it to please them. I don't like my penis, and have often wished it wasn't there. I have looked at my wifes vagina and longed to have one of my own. I look at her breasts and wish I had breast like hers. Its the only thing I could think about.
With all this thought came the big bomb. I really do not want to live as a man, I actually identify with being a woman. that was the Oh Crap moment. I thought long and hard about this, my heart was pounding, my head was a haze until the moment I said to myself, 'This is no good anymore, I need to become who I really am and made the decision there and then to transition. It was like the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders, I look in the mirror and instead of seeing resignation and sadness, I see happiness and determination. I have made a plan on how I want my transition to go, and will be making an appointment with my GP next week to speak to him about it.
The biggest down and worry I have, is I need to tell my wife and family. I have no idea how to do this yet.
Thanks for reading
Stacie x
