First of all before I start, I'm sorry if this is a long post I just really need to rant a bit and just say what I've been up to.

I really have been worrying lately if I really am transgender. It really varies, I go from incredibly disphoric and longing to transition to just not really carrying and being happy. At times I've even regarded transition as ridiculous (for me, not in general). Often if I am on this site or talking about it I feel much more like I need to transition but during daily life I more often than not don't even think about it. My mum says that I don't stand or walk like a girl either so I'm not doing it sub consciously!

I haven't cross dressed since I last spoke of it, even when I could have had the opportunity but I definitely want to at the moment I just can't work up the courage to ask again. I remember it made me happy but also kinda awkward.

Another thing I often see on here is that people are often better friends with people of the gender they are transitioning to but all of my close friends are guys and I often get kinda awkward around girls. Now admittedly I do go to a boys school so I don't really have the opportunity to make friends with girls but even at explorer scouts I mostly stick with guys. I am however a kinda shy person but I can talk to people easily once I've found a common interest and I did chat with some girls at explorers about anime and running which was nice and I also got back in touch one of my best friends who I had lost touch with. I had/have? a crush on her and we went out for coffee and talked about nerdy stuff which was really nice. We planned to meet again but we kinda drifted apart again and she mostly stopped replying to my texts so I can only assume she isn't interested but I don't think I ever implied I was interested in dating so I'm not really sure why.

Talking of love, when I'm in guy mode I definitely much much more into women and I don't really consider myself gay but if I'm attracted to a guy I almost always think of my self as female. Because of this, part of me worries that this is all just sexual or it's some weird fetish and that makes me really worried as I feel like this is or should be more than that and is part of who I am. The thing I always find my self wishing for the most though, more than breasts or looking more feminine is having a vagina.

Another part of me wonders if I'm actually non-binary or gender fluid and that scares me even more because then I might not be happy as either gender and I'll constantly wish to be the other gender. I really wish I could just know either way rather than being stuck in the middle. If I could have any power it would definitely be to shapeshift so I could switch genders at will.

Finally, I might have mentioned this in a previous post but my mum says that I can see a therapist about my gender at some point but I have to come out to a relative first. I totally understand why because she wants to make sure that I really want to do this, but I'd rather go to a therapist first because I need to talk to a or professional because I really don't know myself. I haven't said this too her yet but I think she'll see my point. I'm not going to tell her yet though because I already have to go to the orthodontists and asthma nurse, my brother is undergoing physiotherapy for an injured leg and my sister broke her arm in a tree so she's already having to take us to millions of appointments so I want to wait so she's not even more overwhelmed. One option I have is waiting till after I've finished my GCSEs and move to 6th form because then I could switch to the nearby girls school or one of the schools for both genders. It would mean waiting a few years but it would nicer, I think. Most of my in school friends I also do things with out of school so I wouldn't miss them.

Thanks for putting up with my rant, sorry it was so long I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Lots of love,
Maria XXX <3

Naturally, we're all different, but for me being genderfluid doesn't involve being unhappy about the switches. It sounds like you may have issues that need to be worked out, either through introspection or with the help of a therapist. Standing or walking like a girl (or a boy) isn't an indicator of being transgender. Finally, your mother doesn't get to decide who or when you come out to.

Good luck on your journey.

Hugs, Devlyn

In my experience, I was more meh about my gender at first, not only before transitioning but before knowing what transgender meant (or existed really). I was deemed a "tom boy" ever since I was like 6, I wore a dress twice  in my life, once for a wedding,  and the second was 5th grade prom where I iterally cried for half an hour outside the entrace because of it. When I came out at 13 as a lesbian, I dressed and acted more openly like a guy. It was more freeing and felt right but for 6 years I thought every butchy lesbian felt that way. I never knew what the T in LGBT acronym meant back then, and I felt dysphoria but blew it off as some weird feeling mix of depression and anxiety (im not intune with my emotions and wasnt self aware AT ALL) I felt different but couldnt place it. I remember when we used to walk in lines of two, boys and girls holding hands, I used to stand in the middle because I felt I fit in between since i couldnt be a boy and didn't feel like a girl (until the teachers would send me to the back of the line alone). When I ran into (and accidentally misgendered) a transman at a Green Day concert, I felt awful, and started doing my research. Then it clicked. I wondered at first if it was a sexuality thing too. Then I realized gender and sexual orientation or attraction are different things. Plus, when I came out as a transgender man at 19, the girl I was dating would comment on how feminine I was for a guy (I transitioned in the middle of our relationship). I do act very feminine and think "like a girl" at times,  even on testosterone. I felt more dysphoric when I brought all this out and felt the need to pass more, I never really felt like changing between though. There was a person I met who told me they (born female) felt like a man, but also felt like a woman. To the point that they wanted to get implants since they were an A cup, but bind when they felt their masculinity more prominent. I dont know what that means, and I explained the problems of binding in the first place, let alone putting yourself in a position where you'd increase your top size and have trouble when you did bind, but they said they were in their 40s, and wanted to live the last of their life (they had HIV which was now AIDS and they were getting more sick) feeling like themself.

Welllll thats just my two cents. I'd say see a therapist, preferably a gender specialized one, talk about it, and live as your more preferred gender as closely as possible to see how you feel at the end of it. Then you can go from there. Agreeing with the person above me, "walking like a girl or boy" doesn't indicate anything, sexuality is different from gender, so dont think about what arouses you when thinking about all this, and go at your own pace.

Best of luck!
Adam

Hi Maria,

  The rainbow is a spectrum.  It's glowing colors stretch from one place to another.  We are all part of that rainbow.  But we are not all at the same place on that rainbow.  But when we find the place that is ours, we glow -- giving color to the rainbow.

  I'm a woman who comfortably shares a body with a man.  And I'm sort of glad that he's there -- he takes care of all of the really hasslesome gross stuff that I wouldn't want to deal with.  And he doesn't mind.  Its funny, but he can't really tell colors apart very well, or smells, or see how different fabrics look good together.  But that's ok.  I can.  Incidentally, he Really Likes Girls.

  And occasionally it's my turn.  But because its his body, its Simply Not Feminine. But feminine clothes do fit (sort of) and feminine jewelry can always make a girl smile and feminine makeup creates a wonderful illusion and my spirit comes to life even though it is in a masculine body. And although I consider myself mostly "lesbian", I do find myself attracted to some guys once and awhile.

  And so I find myself without a need to "transition" in an attempt to end up at one end or the other of the rainbow.  I'm somewhere in its middle, enjoying both of the rainbow ends within this one body.  And neither of the inhabitants of this body feel a need to drive the other out and inhabit it alone.  They are comfortable together.  (There's almost a religious sense of the two parts having been united as one thing for eons, through many existances)


  So Maria my world may be totally different from your's, or you may find parts of it familiar.  I don't know.  And I don't have much "advise" other than give yourself the time to come to know yourself completely.  Its a big rainbow.  And you're part of it.  Somewhere.  You just need to find the place on it where you will glow happily.

    Love,  Carolina

     


   





     

Hello Maria
First off I'd like to say don't be worried about a long rant because that's what we're all here for, to help each other as best we can.

Even though I know you feel frustrated and Confused I think it's wonderful that you can discuss this subject so openly with your mom and all of us here.
Many of us old timers wouldn't even dare to bring the subject up at all when we were your age, and I think it's great that you can at age 14.
Being a young teenagers probably difficult enough but then throw in the trans thing and it's sure to create a lot more confusion and anxiety.
I don't think the cycling that you've been experiencing is too abnormal.
Every person is a little different, where some know exactly where they should be at at a very early age, but also many feel like you do not being absolutely sure.
I'm a 56 year old MTF and what you described sounds quite similar to how I felt at your age, like feeling a little awkward while being cross-dressed, and not quite understanding your feelings exactly.
  And what your mom said about you not moving like a girl doesn't have anything to do whether you're trans or not. You could be a perfect genetic male with XY  chromosomes and still have the brain of a female, or something a little in-between.
And it doesn't make a bit of difference if you have a big masculine body, because your gender identity is something that comes from deep within, and might not match your body nor will it be affected by environmental factors.
I wish you all the very best with your self discovery. And I believe you'll work through it and understand it well enough to see yourself on the right path.

All the very best for your future
      love Tatiana

Quote from: Maria Procter on September 08, 2018, 05:36:29 PM
First of all before I start, I'm sorry if this is a long post I just really need to rant a bit and just say what I've been up to.

I really have been worrying lately if I really am transgender. It really varies, I go from incredibly disphoric and longing to transition to just not really carrying and being happy. At times I've even regarded transition as ridiculous (for me, not in general). Often if I am on this site or talking about it I feel much more like I need to transition but during daily life I more often than not don't even think about it. My mum says that I don't stand or walk like a girl either so I'm not doing it sub consciously!

I haven't cross dressed since I last spoke of it, even when I could have had the opportunity but I definitely want to at the moment I just can't work up the courage to ask again. I remember it made me happy but also kinda awkward.

Another thing I often see on here is that people are often better friends with people of the gender they are transitioning to but all of my close friends are guys and I often get kinda awkward around girls. Now admittedly I do go to a boys school so I don't really have the opportunity to make friends with girls but even at explorer scouts I mostly stick with guys. I am however a kinda shy person but I can talk to people easily once I've found a common interest and I did chat with some girls at explorers about anime and running which was nice and I also got back in touch one of my best friends who I had lost touch with. I had/have? a crush on her and we went out for coffee and talked about nerdy stuff which was really nice. We planned to meet again but we kinda drifted apart again and she mostly stopped replying to my texts so I can only assume she isn't interested but I don't think I ever implied I was interested in dating so I'm not really sure why.

Talking of love, when I'm in guy mode I definitely much much more into women and I don't really consider myself gay but if I'm attracted to a guy I almost always think of my self as female. Because of this, part of me worries that this is all just sexual or it's some weird fetish and that makes me really worried as I feel like this is or should be more than that and is part of who I am. The thing I always find my self wishing for the most though, more than breasts or looking more feminine is having a vagina.

Another part of me wonders if I'm actually non-binary or gender fluid and that scares me even more because then I might not be happy as either gender and I'll constantly wish to be the other gender. I really wish I could just know either way rather than being stuck in the middle. If I could have any power it would definitely be to shapeshift so I could switch genders at will.

Finally, I might have mentioned this in a previous post but my mum says that I can see a therapist about my gender at some point but I have to come out to a relative first. I totally understand why because she wants to make sure that I really want to do this, but I'd rather go to a therapist first because I need to talk to a or professional because I really don't know myself. I haven't said this too her yet but I think she'll see my point. I'm not going to tell her yet though because I already have to go to the orthodontists and asthma nurse, my brother is undergoing physiotherapy for an injured leg and my sister broke her arm in a tree so she's already having to take us to millions of appointments so I want to wait so she's not even more overwhelmed. One option I have is waiting till after I've finished my GCSEs and move to 6th form because then I could switch to the nearby girls school or one of the schools for both genders. It would mean waiting a few years but it would nicer, I think. Most of my in school friends I also do things with out of school so I wouldn't miss them.

Thanks for putting up with my rant, sorry it was so long I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Lots of love,
Maria XXX <3

Hi Maria,
               at your stage of life we all gather experience and knowledge about the world around us and about ourselves. For most of us nothing is crystal clear with regards to our strengths & weaknesses, best career in life, how we interact with with people in our romantic lives or even our gender identity. In our young adult life it is important to think seriously about all these issues and make the best most positive decisions we can.

Leaving ones options open is always a good idea until knowledge, experience and ones heart develops a solid platform. This doesn't mean life needs to pass you by either. In fact it means the opposite. Living ones life to the full is all about trying things and seeing how it all works in the most positive way for ourselves and other people.

You are so lucky in that early in your life you are aware and are learning about your gender identity. Keep in mind you possibly dont want to close the door on having your own offspring -  having a family can be one of the most satisfying things as humans that we can do. In fact closing the door on any of your future life options is not necessary in any way, a time of exploration and trial and error is what young adulthood is all about.

When I was a young adult I researched transgender biographies (hard to find then), SRS techniques of the time, watched films and documentaries when I could but I couldn't match anything with my own feelings of being transgender. As a result I buried the feminine side that was pushing for expression and got on with life. Not being aware of my total self created some anxiety & angst & left me less outgoing.

I wish I had the questioning mind to challenge my own identity like you do. It may not have led to transition at the time but at least I could have worked a few things out and not lived a half life of suppression and denial. I do express my female self now and I also have a family that brings much satisfaction.

All I can say is keep your options open & keep expressing yourself as you see fit. Look after yourself. Stay safe.


Wishing you all the best with everything ,

                                         with love  Kirsten .

Thanks so much, for all the support and advice I really needed it!
I'd just like to clarify quickly that my mum wasn't trying to be mean to me, she was more trying to say that if I were to transition or try and pass, there were just some ways I stood and walked that would give it away. Additionally she only want's me to come out to someone else, who I'm close too, since they can help support me, she can be certain I want to do this and to gauge to some degree how people may react. I'm gonna tell her that I'd rather see a therapist first after I've posted this but I'm not going to do anything until my siblings injuries have healed so my mum and dad won't be too busy rushing to appointments.

Again, thank you all so much!
Lots of Love, Maria! 

Sorry, I'm kinda late to this, but one thing I wanted to say, and ask a question, if that's okay.

With regard to this paragraph:

Quote from: Maria Procter on September 08, 2018, 05:36:29 PM
Talking of love, when I'm in guy mode I definitely much much more into women and I don't really consider myself gay but if I'm attracted to a guy I almost always think of my self as female. Because of this, part of me worries that this is all just sexual or it's some weird fetish and that makes me really worried as I feel like this is or should be more than that and is part of who I am. The thing I always find my self wishing for the most though, more than breasts or looking more feminine is having a vagina.

Something being sexual doesn't automatically make it wrong. As humans we're sexual, and sensual creatures. For the most part, anyway. Some people aren't... *puts on titanium plated chastity belt*, but a great many people are. And for anyone, that part of their life can be a big part of life, and important to the way they live. So don't think that because you see yourself as someone when you're attracted to someone else... that it makes the whole thing just based on lust or whatever else. Because that isn't necessarily the case. Cis people are as sexually motivated as trans people. It's a part of life. And not something you need to be ashamed of in any way.

The question I have for you, sweetie, is with regards to the last sentence in that quote. Why is that the most important to you, do you feel? Why is that the thing you wish for most?

*big hugs*

I dunno really it just feels wrong without it like I'm missing an essential part of my body. If I do transition I want to go the full way but I just kinda feel like breasts, face and other things all just matter less.
Don't get me wrong though, I feel like things are missing about those too.
Lots of love Maria!

Quote from: Maria Procter on September 14, 2018, 04:17:52 PM
I dunno really it just feels wrong without it like I'm missing an essential part of my body. If I do transition I want to go the full way but I just kinda feel like breasts, face and other things all just matter less.
Don't get me wrong though, I feel like things are missing about those too.
Lots of love Maria!

So I had my srs when l was 22/23. I am currently a couple years past 70, so yes it has been a while. I have been enjoying sex as a woman with men from the very beginning and far beyond my wildest hopes or imaginings, l still am. Like you, all those other "options" were optional. Just as a matter of coincidence, l bought myself a facelift from a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon "to the stars", as a retirement present to myself which actually resulted in a very successful ffs. This was about 20 years ago; nearly 30 years after that most important life saving,  (changing), srs.