Hi there,

I'm Lokaeign.  I'm 34 years old, assigned, raised, and presenting a female, but after struggling with my gender identity for most of my life I've tentatively started to identify as androgyne or 3rd-gender.  Yeah, I'm a late bloomer. 

I've had problems with my gender identity for as long as I can remember, but since I was (just) able to live and function in the female social role I felt like I had a responsibility to do so, no matter how painful, difficult or unpleasant it was.  To do otherwise would be to inflict "unecessary weirdness" on the cisgendered people around me--worse, I risked appropriating a designation from people who needed it and had earned it.  I have paid no dues in my life; apart from letter-writing and petition-signing for cases relating to gender issues, I've never really engaged in any kind of activism. I dress fairly androgynously most of the time, but I don't really do anything to challenge people's perception of gender roles.  I didn't feel like I'd earned the right to call myself anything other than female.

But I've finally reached breaking point.  I can't take anymore.  I'm not female, and trying to live as one is killing me.  I just don't know what to do about it.

Quote from: Lokaeign on March 30, 2008, 05:56:25 AM
Hi there,

I'm Lokaeign.  I'm 34 years old, assigned, raised, and presenting a female, but after struggling with my gender identity for most of my life I've tentatively started to identify as androgyne or 3rd-gender.  Yeah, I'm a late bloomer. 

I've had problems with my gender identity for as long as I can remember, but since I was (just) able to live and function in the female social role I felt like I had a responsibility to do so, no matter how painful, difficult or unpleasant it was.  To do otherwise would be to inflict "unecessary weirdness" on the cisgendered people around me--worse, I risked appropriating a designation from people who needed it and had earned it.  I have paid no dues in my life; apart from letter-writing and petition-signing for cases relating to gender issues, I've never really engaged in any kind of activism. I dress fairly androgynously most of the time, but I don't really do anything to challenge people's perception of gender roles.  I didn't feel like I'd earned the right to call myself anything other than female.

But I've finally reached breaking point.  I can't take anymore.  I'm not female, and trying to live as one is killing me.  I just don't know what to do about it.

Hi, Lokaeign, welcome to Susan's.

I'm quite taken with your introductory post. I can't really say why it did this, but it touched something really quite near to my heart. I think it might have been here:

Quotesince I was (just) able to live and function in the female social role I felt like I had a responsibility to do so, no matter how painful, difficult or unpleasant it was.

That's quite a statement. Quite a sacrifice.

I, I, well, ... it must have been quite a journey. Welcome to this stage of it, the one where you are cordially invited to relax among those we hope will become friends, or at least friendly acquaintances.

You said,

QuoteI didn't feel like I'd earned the right to call myself anything other than female.

OK, whatever you think. But ya see, I have my own lil ole standard and that's this one, "to be born and to live is to earn the right to be called human."

Please read over the site rules: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html They are the guidelines we try to live-by around here. Otherwise make yourself at home.

I really am glad you're here, Loka. I have this sense of your being a traveler who's just come in from the road to the inn. Here have a cuppa. Tea or coffee or something else. Welcome.

Nichole

Hi Lokaeign,

I recognise a lot in your post. Like you, I am born female, but never really quite fit in. I vaguely recall when I was younger that I wanted to be a boy, but not so much because that was more "me", but because I thought it would be easier somehow. Don't ask me what I thought would be easier, I just thought it was.

My gender issues didn't surface for a long time, but I was never a real girl either. I was one of the guys, yet not. And I was one of the girls, yet not.
I agree with Nichole, no one has to earn the right to be called a woman, man, androgyne, human, whichever label you want to put on yourself. You are you, and that is good.

Perhaps me writing my history-in-a-nutshell isn't really helpful to you, but I hope you can take some form of comfort from the fact that you are not alone in your journey, and that there are other walking beside you.


Cheers,
Jordan / Brandon / PolarBear doesn't know what to call her/him/hie self anymore.

Quote from: Lokaeign on March 30, 2008, 05:56:25 AM
Hi there,

I'm Lokaeign.  I'm 34 years old, assigned, raised, and presenting a female, but after struggling with my gender identity for most of my life I've tentatively started to identify as androgyne or 3rd-gender.  Yeah, I'm a late bloomer. 

I've had problems with my gender identity for as long as I can remember, but since I was (just) able to live and function in the female social role I felt like I had a responsibility to do so, no matter how painful, difficult or unpleasant it was.  To do otherwise would be to inflict "unecessary weirdness" on the cisgendered people around me--worse, I risked appropriating a designation from people who needed it and had earned it.  I have paid no dues in my life; apart from letter-writing and petition-signing for cases relating to gender issues, I've never really engaged in any kind of activism. I dress fairly androgynously most of the time, but I don't really do anything to challenge people's perception of gender roles.  I didn't feel like I'd earned the right to call myself anything other than female.

But I've finally reached breaking point.  I can't take anymore.  I'm not female, and trying to live as one is killing me.  I just don't know what to do about it.

Hi Lokaeign. I'm a late blooming transgender and crossdresser who came out at age fifty-six. I told my wife and adult son and they are fine with my dressing. The important thing is to be who you are. Are there any groups you can get with?

Gennee

Hi Lokaeign,

   Welcome.   You should find lots of similar stories and some comfort here.

   Seeing a gender counselor can be helpful.  Even if you are okay with who you are, you can learn some things from them and shake out the cobwebs left over from such a long time of keeping a lid on it.


Hope to see you around.


Rebis

Hello Lokaeign and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you so much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Hello, Lokaeign.

I'm 38 and just recently figured out that androgyne describes me better than male.

I remember thinking to myself as a very young child (between 5 and 7 years old) that "Oh, well, I was born a boy and I just have to be a boy." That thinking pretty much continued throughout my life until I read Luna by Julie Anne Peters a few months ago. Reading that book brought back a whole host of memories I'd pretty much ignored over the past 25-30 years.

I don't begrudge my role as husband and father. I'll continue to fulfill that role, but on my terms (I hope). Just how far I'll transition is still a mystery to me. I, too, am a late bloomer.

Hi Lokaeign,

Welcome to Susan's.  You've definitely come to the right place.  I was a late bloomer myself, always trying to act male when I really wasn't.  I hope that you make lots of friends here.

Donna

Thankyou, all, for the warm welcome.