So I always defined myself as being pansexual and have been in relationships with men and women, both trans and cis. However. I've been with my present boyfriend for about two years now (he left me for a while but returned) and he has always been a very masculine guy. In fact, he's a truckdriver, ex special forces, wears lumberjack shirts, is often unshaven an I love him ehhm.. manhandling me. His masculinity and the contrast with my femininity has always been a big part of our relationship. Gender roles were crystal clear.

But all of a sudden he is having doubts about his gender identity and started experimenting with crossdressing. On the one hand I try to be as supportive as I can. How could I not, being trans myself? I gave him dresses, helped him with his make up, we went shopping, like I did so often with other transgirls. But I also had a few weak moments and let him know in a passive-agrressive way, that I like him better being a guy. So now he backed off, threw all his female attire away out of fear of losing me.

But if he truly is gender dysphoric, I don't want to push him in the closet. On the other hand, I might stop being in love with him if he comes out. As a woman, he isn't my type at all. What should I do? I love him as a person, but part of that is also loving him the way he is right now. A dude. On the other hand, my current perspective on him feels like I'm a transphobic ciswoman and i feel like I should be ashamed of myself, get past that and also love him if he turns out to be a woman.

It's maddening.

It's a very strange situation to be in alright.
Personally me, if I was after a man, no way would I want him to be dressing as a woman. I find it unattractive completely.
I understand as trans women we should be able to understand. But understanding is one thing, accepting it as a partner is a total different thing.
For me if a guy knows we are trans and is too interested it might be a strange sign.
Personally I would prefer to be going out with someone, eventually tell him I'm trans, have them go nuts abit, and maybe if he can get past it, it might be real.
But these guy that so openly accept the notion of girls "with abit extra" I don't care what anyone says its 99% for an odd reason
It's great if someone can get past it and truly accept it, that might be true love

This isn't transphobic at all. You wanted a man and you found a man. If it is the only relationship problem that you have then I would end it amicably if needed. There is no reason not to be friends. Besides feeling change. We love who we love. Granted you would loose straight benefits, but gain lesbian benefits. Love is hard to find.

Damn these unfair hard life decisions.

Quote from: Rutka71 on September 16, 2018, 02:16:35 AM
So I always defined myself as being pansexual and have been in relationships with men and women, both trans and cis. However. I've been with my present boyfriend for about two years now (he left me for a while but returned) and he has always been a very masculine guy. In fact, he's a truckdriver, ex special forces, wears lumberjack shirts, is often unshaven an I love him ehhm.. manhandling me. His masculinity and the contrast with my femininity has always been a big part of our relationship. Gender roles were crystal clear.

But all of a sudden he is having doubts about his gender identity and started experimenting with crossdressing. On the one hand I try to be as supportive as I can. How could I not, being trans myself? I gave him dresses, helped him with his make up, we went shopping, like I did so often with other transgirls. But I also had a few weak moments and let him know in a passive-agrressive way, that I like him better being a guy. So now he backed off, threw all his female attire away out of fear of losing me.

But if he truly is gender dysphoric, I don't want to push him in the closet. On the other hand, I might stop being in love with him if he comes out. As a woman, he isn't my type at all. What should I do? I love him as a person, but part of that is also loving him the way he is right now. A dude. On the other hand, my current perspective on him feels like I'm a transphobic ciswoman and i feel like I should be ashamed of myself, get past that and also love him if he turns out to be a woman.

It's maddening.

It's not transphobic,  it sounds like you've been supportive, but you also have a preference and there is nothing wrong that.

You've only got to see the experiences of others here, that some relationships survive these kind of changes, and some don't, and that is purely down to the preferences of the people involved and if they are compatible with such a shift in the relationship.

Talk openly and honestly with each other. The nature of the relationship may change over time, but I wish you both well. X

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I'm on board with it not being transphobic. You've reached out to others and helped them towards their goals.

You have a preference, you're in a relationship with one, they changed/are changing on you. To be selfish not wanting that change to occur is perfectly natural.  In this new situation that you find yourself in - you are the SO of the relationship. Not a place you ever thought of finding yourself.

Your perspective just got flipped around. Now you have to work out how to proceed.

We had a talk about it and he assured me he really isn't gender dysphoric or a crossdresser. According to him, he was just exploring, mostly because he was curious what it would feel like, but found out he really does prefer being male. He claims it was just a one off. It's difficult, because I really want him to be true to himself. On the other hand, it would finish our relationship. I'll just take his word for it.