This has been a crazy weekend. First off I received two new dresses I bought online love them both. For the first time I got my sizes right. I feel, i hope I'm distinguishing the difference between dressing to feel feminine and chasing  some sex fantasy. This weekend sex wasnt even a desire, just wanted to feel pretty.        My wife and I have been together more than 20 years  we've always had communication issues.  This makes a already difficult conversation even harder. I believe in head on, some things just take me longer. Over the past years we've been caught in a frustrating loop. I'll call out the elephant in the room and she'll clam up ruined our day and nothing gets fixed. After a few days life is back to normal. I'm the type to say if I dont like something  so I dont have to keep repeating. Last weekend I started to express I had concerns about our future. Earlier in life my alcohol, insecurity, anger,denial,frustration  made me a difficult person. This caused her to bury her voice and feelings. The first steps we took over this last week was identifying that she hasn't been honest about her feeling (shes always afraid we'll just devorse if she speaks up about anything. I expressed  again I'm not the same person I was in the past and that her living in fear was no way to live. I've had sobriety for a long time now. All this said I feel I need to be able to express myself  also. She knew from the past I like to cd. She hoped it would go away. I dont do it in front of her except for one sex adventure she survived thru. After, it felt fulfilling to me be destructive to her so back deep in the closet I went. She hoped it was out of my system. This weekend I went head on reminding her to exspress her feelings and be honest. I have a 40'x30' game room / garage not attached to the house that is my sanctuary ( I can be me and she doesn't even have to see me).  I just hate not to be able out of fear to talk to my best friend about something so important in my life. She started right in with, I can't go out in public with you like that. I told her that's not what I was asking. She asked me what I needed from her? I said understanding  not acceptances unless in time that could be achieved. She went right in about the sex, I said that I dont need that. She didn't understand that for me its feelings and not just physical. I told her disgust and disapproval could be felt it didn't have to be said. I told her I just need understanding and some personal space sometimes. Of course in time I hope for more. I just have no desire to go thru life afraid, I need to be me. I'm doing my best not to hurt the ones I love. So anyway we'll see how things work out. I assured her I can still be the man she loves but the cd is just part of who I am.  Sorry to go on so long

I feel your pain and frustration. I too am a CD. I've only been out in public 3 times fully made up as a woman with wig, makeup and breast forms, (see my avatar picture) it is very scary and exciting at the same time. I love to wear feminine clothing around the house in the evening and weekends. I just feels.... so nice! My wife at first was very upset by it but now through the years has learned that it is part of me. She is more accepting now. I wear skirts and hosiery out in public (as a man) a lot with her by my side. I'm comfortable and I believe she is too. I've given her permission to ask me not to wear a skirt when she would rather I didn't and so I don't on that outing. So far it works for us.

I wish you well. Just be sure to make your wife feel important and loved.

It takes a far longer time for anybody to digest your change and motivation. Be patient and talk more and honesty with your wife. Wives want assurance and security with respect to finance and family, which I guess, despite your sudden change, your wife may want to hear from you. She may worry about her future as you gradually reveal and detail your desire.

In my case, as I sustain my family and take care of my kids, my wife does not care whatever I wear. She knows well that I cherish our kids. I drink alcohol beverage (wine and others) nearly every day at home, but I exercise regularly to maintain my heath. My wife likes to prepare appetizers for me, and my kids like to chat with me while I drink. She knows well that I will never give up our family. As my kids have grown up to enter college, she says she is so much happy nowadays.

As long as my wife is so much supportive of me, my colleagues and friends can not meddle in my wearing.

barbie~~

Thank you both for the words of encouragement   not rushing kinda feel like I laid my cards on the table.

Hi Megan,
This is a difficult road to follow but it is worth the journey.
When I broke the news to my wife, she had many questions and also vented a lot of frustration and fear.
This is a very scary time for her and you will need lots of patience to be able to slowly introduce the new you to her.
I am several years into this process and our relationship is no where near being back to where it was. Every persons situation is different and yet at the same time so similar. Only you will know the best way to work through this with your wife.
Good luck on your journey.
Cheers Sue

Hi Megan0000,

  My own history mirrors yours closely. Married 20+ years with a history of CDing (at the time I thought that was it it was) Asking for understanding and barely getting toleration. My own self hate and loathing from needing to dress and know it was wrong from my upbringing and knowing I had to do it. I had to, I could not stop. These feeling made me an angry person and I frequently took it out on my wife though I loved her with all my heart. Alcoholism and drugs further complicated my life and still my wife suffer at my side. Until that inevitable day when she had me escorted from my house and served a restraining order. She got her divorce and I survived the 2 years after though I came close to doing myself in. It took longer to realize she probably did the best thing she could for herself at the time.
  Eventually I buried the depression and was able to get on with life. I quit the drugs, alcohol and smoking and through it all I still dressed when I could. Later I discovered I was actually trans and began to transition. In doing so I lost my daughter and access to my 5 crand childres. Again I went into a deep depression. I am  still taking an antidepressant now but my life has improved greatly now that I have had the therapy I needed and the hormons I should have been born with.

  Don't give up on your wife, this is a lot harder on her especially in light of how you admidded to treating her. It will take a long time for her to come around and open up to you again if she ever can. Give her the time and patience to do so. It can be done as it has been my many of our members. Get both her and you some therapy if she is willing. It can help her, and you, get through this.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Not crossdressing per se, my own coming out was a shock, not just to her, but to me as well. I didn't wait until I had it all figured out, I told her as soon as I knew something. We worked on it together and still are. Overall, we are in a much better place then before. Still lots of things to overcome but we're both committed.

Open Communication, no lies, no hiding. I think that now, at most, an hour is the best I can hold out before telling her what's bothering me. If you can survive brutal honesty, you can survive anything.

hm, did I stick with the topic or did my brain take over on it's own?

Wow ladies thank you, it means a lot. Yes honesty is my motto to the ones I love  as far I'm concerned my life is none of anyone else's business unless I let it be. As for society they won't know until I'm passable or I make a full on life commitment change. I love you all.