Hi all ☺️

I've made a couple of posts on here before, but yesterday I started HRT. For reference, I'm almost 19, and I've believed I'm trans for the last 4 years.

My main issue is that I can't answer the question of whether or not I'm transgender, whether I really identify as female. Whenever I thought about or discussed taking hormones, it made me really happy. This was especially true when I was reading the packet about HRT I was given and its affects. I mean, the last few days I've been on the verge of crying several times because I was so happy.

Now, I can't come up with a reason to transition. I mean, I keep getting to these neutral states (usually whenever I'm closer to getting HRT) where I can't tell how I'm feeling. I don't know. And often times I have terrible dissociating feminity with wanting to transition. When I act feminine, wear makeup etc, it doesn't feel like that's enough for me. Which is why I've justified starting to transition. But I don't know whether or not that's due to the way society views feminine men (I don't think it is, I know that I would be fine with just being a feminine man if that was who I am) or if it's due to me being transgender. The term 'man' doesn't fit me, and I'm worried it's because of my view of men, rather than me actually being trans.

All of that considered, I do get dysphoria, most of the time with my voice and face. Sometimes it's really bad with my genitalia. And I never felt like I was the person in the mirror, to me, that person is a stranger.

I know this has been a rant, and I apologize, I'm just kind of at a loss. I should mention that my feminity/masculinity changes. I don't have a true understanding of what it means to identify as male or female, I think that's where I get confused, and I don't know if I should even worry about the identity aspect if transition makes me happy.

Anyways, thanks for reading this girls ☺️ (and guys, and everyone else, I don't know if it's just MtFs on this site).

EDIT: Does anyone know how dangerous/likely having high potassium is with Spiro? If I get 100% from my diet, will that be dangerous when I'm taking it?

Hey
That's main problem. Only you can understand what you feel.

QuoteI don't have a true understanding of what it means to identify as male or female, I think that's where I get confused, and I don't know if I should even worry about the identity aspect if transition makes me happy.

I personally believe it's subjective matter. I mean, the only significant difference between males and females is pregnancy, other stuff can be optional. Who should define what it means to be male or female? It's up to you to find out how you feel. If you understand that, you'll easily answer your question about if you're transgender or not. Explore yourself.
The only thing I can assume since you have dysphoria strong enough to start HRT you probably not cis

QuoteI don't know if it's just MtFs on this site

Lol it isn't Though MtFs outnumber everyone else here right now, there's also FtMs, intersexes and SOs 

Quote from: Alice V on September 09, 2018, 12:40:19 PM
Hey
That's main problem. Only you can understand what you feel. I personally believe it's subjective matter. I mean, the only significant difference between males and females is pregnancy, other stuff can be optional. Who should define what it means to be male or female? It's up to you to find out how you feel. If you understand that, you'll easily answer your question about if you're transgender or not. Explore yourself.
The only thing I can assume since you have dysphoria strong enough to start HRT you probably not cis
Lol it isn't Though MtFs outnumber everyone else here right now, there's also FtMs, intersexes and SOs 

Hey Alice! Thanks for the response! 😄 I think you're right, I mean I have started HRT. Honestly I think I should probably just give it a couple of months and see how I feel.

You remind me of me. I also started feeling "different" around 15-ish, and I've been questioning myself ever since. I'm 23 now and finally starting to get the help I need in the form of a therapist appointment on Thursday.

The most important thing I've heard in regards to these doubts is that a 'regular' cisgender person would never feel this way. If you're uncomfortable with your assigned sex to the point that you're questioning it at all, that's very telling.

All I can recommend is that you find yourself a reputable therapist (preferably one who specializes in gender identity or LGBT issues as a whole) and talk things through.

If you start taking hormones, you do it in order to make your body one in which you feel more comfortable. (There are of course emotional changes as well, but first and foremost it's about your body.) Therefore, as long as you feel better on hrt and in a female body, hrt and a female body are probably right for you. It's that simple, I'd say.

Think of trans tomboys. They transition, they take hormones, it's right for them. Despite they may have a pretty masculine personality. Because they simply feel better in a female body.

Listen to how you respond to hrt. I wasn't sure either when I started it. But once I experienced the changes to my body, oh girl. Let me just tell you: It's awesome, I love it! And that's the point. I am way better than before and I start to love aspects of my body. Which is just wow. And because I like it so much, naturally love it, now, I am sure: yes, that is for me. Maybe I got my gender wrong. All right. That is still possible as very difficult to tell, though very unlikely. But hrt and my body -- I doubt I got that one wrong now.

Calm down, take your time and see how you like it.

Sweetie, it's okay to question yourself. It is. Every single thing we do in life, we constantly analyse, go over, and try to understand if it was the best course of action for us as a person. It's a part of being human. Whatever we do, we always go over it and try to rationalise if it was the best thing for us to do.

Rather than give you answers, I'm going to give you questions, in the hope you can arrive at your own answers, if that's okay.

Quote from: rlacy2018 on September 09, 2018, 12:23:38 PM
Whenever I thought about or discussed taking hormones, it made me really happy. This was especially true when I was reading the packet about HRT I was given and its affects. I mean, the last few days I've been on the verge of crying several times because I was so happy.

Why do you feel that is? What is it that made you happy?

QuoteWhen I act feminine, wear makeup etc, it doesn't feel like that's enough for me. Which is why I've justified starting to transition. But I don't know whether or not that's due to the way society views feminine men (I don't think it is, I know that I would be fine with just being a feminine man if that was who I am) or if it's due to me being transgender. The term 'man' doesn't fit me, and I'm worried it's because of my view of men, rather than me actually being trans.

This is interesting. What is it that you feel is not enough? Is there something specific which makes you feel that way? Suppose someone said to you that you could be a feminine man, with none of the stigma that may be attached to that by certain people, or you could be a woman... which do you think you would choose? And why?

QuoteAll of that considered, I do get dysphoria, most of the time with my voice and face. Sometimes it's really bad with my genitalia. And I never felt like I was the person in the mirror, to me, that person is a stranger.

How do you feel? This is something that I have noticed a lot of trans people have problems expressing at first. They know who they are not, but aren't so sure who they are. Take as long as you need with this, sweetie. Have a think about it. Our lives aren't determined by who we aren't, they're determined by who we are. And knowing this is a big step forward.

QuoteI know this has been a rant, and I apologize, I'm just kind of at a loss. I should mention that my feminity/masculinity changes. I don't have a true understanding of what it means to identify as male or female, I think that's where I get confused, and I don't know if I should even worry about the identity aspect if transition makes me happy.

Don't apologise, sweetie. For talking about how you feel. Never apologise for that, okay? Not here. It's what we do. Most of us come here without much of an idea of where to go or what to do. Or even how we feel. It's okay. You matter, your thoughts and ideas matter, and you're in the right place to get it all out in the open. *big hugs*

Like the others have said. everybody questions a decision made. Did I buy the right color car, did I get the right size shirt. That is what makes up human. No avoiding that.

I know myself I just came out to my long time VA counselor. I am 53, I has taken this long to finally decide to come out. I have had feminine traits and thoughts since I was a teen maybe earlier too. It seemed normal for me. At first it started underdressing wearing feminine underwear. then crossdressing, always in the closet. my wife nows about that part of me. I then finally realized I am transgender about 3 years ago. finally coming out to my counselor 3 weeks ago.

Kymmie

Quote from: 4A-GZE on September 09, 2018, 01:45:52 PM
You remind me of me. I also started feeling "different" around 15-ish, and I've been questioning myself ever since. I'm 23 now and finally starting to get the help I need in the form of a therapist appointment on Thursday.

The most important thing I've heard in regards to these doubts is that a 'regular' cisgender person would never feel this way. If you're uncomfortable with your assigned sex to the point that you're questioning it at all, that's very telling.

All I can recommend is that you find yourself a reputable therapist (preferably one who specializes in gender identity or LGBT issues as a whole) and talk things through.

Hey! Sorry I took so long to respond. I'm glad you're doing the first step now! Yeah, I think that the fact that I'm on hormones, and don't want to get off then is also very telling. I have been seeing a therapist, so I'll try to gather my thoughts and everything before I see her again. Good luck!

Quote from: Tiu on September 11, 2018, 02:09:47 PM
If you start taking hormones, you do it in order to make your body one in which you feel more comfortable. (There are of course emotional changes as well, but first and foremost it's about your body.) Therefore, as long as you feel better on hrt and in a female body, hrt and a female body are probably right for you. It's that simple, I'd say.

Think of trans tomboys. They transition, they take hormones, it's right for them. Despite they may have a pretty masculine personality. Because they simply feel better in a female body.

Listen to how you respond to hrt. I wasn't sure either when I started it. But once I experienced the changes to my body, oh girl. Let me just tell you: It's awesome, I love it! And that's the point. I am way better than before and I start to love aspects of my body. Which is just wow. And because I like it so much, naturally love it, now, I am sure: yes, that is for me. Maybe I got my gender wrong. All right. That is still possible as very difficult to tell, though very unlikely. But hrt and my body -- I doubt I got that one wrong now.

Calm down, take your time and see how you like it.

Thanks for the reply! Haha I was smiling reading your comment.. Yes, I definitely have been happier overall (it's been 10 days). I did have one night where I was super depressed for no reason, but I think that was just a side effect of Spiro. It's been really great since. I've honestly been loving myself more already, seeing more of the femininity in my face and not being so bleek about my bad spots. I think the best thing so far have been the mental changes, I've just been feeling a lot more female, if that makes sense. Like before I would look at my arms and notice that they're slightly muscular and it turned me off (only because it was a reminder that I'm male) now I've just felt a lot better about my body as a whole.

Quote from: Sephirah on September 11, 2018, 03:12:55 PM
Sweetie, it's okay to question yourself. It is. Every single thing we do in life, we constantly analyse, go over, and try to understand if it was the best course of action for us as a person. It's a part of being human. Whatever we do, we always go over it and try to rationalise if it was the best thing for us to do.

Rather than give you answers, I'm going to give you questions, in the hope you can arrive at your own answers, if that's okay.

Why do you feel that is? What is it that made you happy?

This is interesting. What is it that you feel is not enough? Is there something specific which makes you feel that way? Suppose someone said to you that you could be a feminine man, with none of the stigma that may be attached to that by certain people, or you could be a woman... which do you think you would choose? And why?

How do you feel? This is something that I have noticed a lot of trans people have problems expressing at first. They know who they are not, but aren't so sure who they are. Take as long as you need with this, sweetie. Have a think about it. Our lives aren't determined by who we aren't, they're determined by who we are. And knowing this is a big step forward.

Don't apologise, sweetie. For talking about how you feel. Never apologise for that, okay? Not here. It's what we do. Most of us come here without much of an idea of where to go or what to do. Or even how we feel. It's okay. You matter, your thoughts and ideas matter, and you're in the right place to get it all out in the open. *big hugs*

Thank you so much for taking the time, it really means a lot. Your questions really did help me, helped me better understand myself. I think that too often I get caught up worrying about how I identify, or thinking I have to identify as x in order to transition, when that's really not the case.

Honestly your comment just really warms my heart.    I'm glad to have such a supportive and loving family here, it's so good to have all of you. *hugs*

Quote from: Kymmie Lorain on September 17, 2018, 11:10:27 AM
Like the others have said. everybody questions a decision made. Did I buy the right color car, did I get the right size shirt. That is what makes up human. No avoiding that.

I know myself I just came out to my long time VA counselor. I am 53, I has taken this long to finally decide to come out. I have had feminine traits and thoughts since I was a teen maybe earlier too. It seemed normal for me. At first it started underdressing wearing feminine underwear. then crossdressing, always in the closet. my wife nows about that part of me. I then finally realized I am transgender about 3 years ago. finally coming out to my counselor 3 weeks ago.

Kymmie

Thanks Kymmie . That is very true. Congratulations on coming out! I hope it went well, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey wherever it may lead. You always have support here!

Quote from: rlacy2018 on September 09, 2018, 12:23:38 PM
EDIT: Does anyone know how dangerous/likely having high potassium is with Spiro? If I get 100% from my diet, will that be dangerous when I'm taking it?

It is VITAL to monitor and maintain Potassium levels when taking Spironolactone. My doctor explained Potassium injection is used to kill people who are sentenced to death. High levels will stop a person's heart without warning and kill them in a few minutes. In 9 years on estrogen therapy, I have yet to have a doctor feel a need to check my hormone levels. But every one of them has watched my Potassium like a hawk. With a doctor's care and mindful diet, the medication is widely and safely prescribed  for heart conditions, high blood pressure and acne.

Quote from: rlacy2018 on September 09, 2018, 12:23:38 PM
EDIT: Does anyone know how dangerous/likely having high potassium is with Spiro? If I get 100% from my diet, will that be dangerous when I'm taking it?

How dangerous?  The consequence of potassium being too high is death.

How likely?  Unless you binge-eat foods that are high in potassium, or you have some metabolic disorder, not too likely.  My doctor said not to bother changing my diet at all.  She monitors my electrolyte levels on my regular blood tests, and she is happy with what she sees. 

The key words there are "my doctor said".  You should discuss concerns like that with your doctor.  They probably know things about your metabolism that I don't, and they understand the effects of spiro better than most of us do.  What works for me may not work for you.  So always ask your doctor about medical concerns.

Quote from: Virginia on September 18, 2018, 06:37:32 AM
High potassium levels will kill a person by stopping their heart without warning. It is VITAL to maintain this level when taking Spironolactone.

Thanks! Yeah that's what I figured haha.

Quote from: KathyLauren on September 18, 2018, 06:46:09 AM
How dangerous?  The consequence of potassium being too high is death.

How likely?  Unless you binge-eat foods that are high in potassium, or you have some metabolic disorder, not too likely.  My doctor said not to bother changing my diet at all.  She monitors my electrolyte levels on my regular blood tests, and she is happy with what she sees. 

The key words there are "my doctor said".  You should discuss concerns like that with your doctor.  They probably know things about your metabolism that I don't, and they understand the effects of spiro better than most of us do.  What works for me may not work for you.  So always ask your doctor about medical concerns.

Thanks! Do you think my prescriber at Planned Parenthood would know? I haven't even came out to my doctor yet..

Quote from: rlacy2018 on September 18, 2018, 08:19:59 AM
Thanks! Do you think my prescriber at Planned Parenthood would know? I haven't even came out to my doctor yet..

Yes, if they are writing prescriptions, they should be able to advise you.

[edit] I would urge you to tell your doctor what medications you are on.  If nothing else, they need to know in case something they prescribe has an interaction with your HRT.  You don't have to tell them why you are taking them, although they will likely figure it out.

Quote from: KathyLauren on September 18, 2018, 08:21:40 AM
Yes, if they are writing prescriptions, they should be able to advise you.

Thank you!