So I recently found out that I'm probably a transgender male. As a transgender male, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of getting pregnant, which has led to a fear of rape. This fear is heightened when male customers at work seem to have body language (leaning in too close on the counter) and speech (calling me 'sweetie' or 'honey') that seems slightly sexually aggressive. The same goes for desperate guy friends that keep trying to have relationships with me.

Until I can get surgery, which probably won't be for awhile,  I'm vulnerable to being 'forced to take on a female role' (ie become pregnant). Anyone have any ideas for dealing with the fear of this in the meantime so that I'm not constantly on edge at work?

Hi, Skyshade13!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am sorry that you have that additional stress to deal with along with the other stresses that come with being trans.  Obviously, it is not something that I, being MTF, can relate directly to.

You might want to look into self-defense classes.  Talking to a therapist may help you to deal with the fear.

Perhaps some of out male members can give some better suggestions.

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Quote from: skyshade13 on September 18, 2018, 05:44:48 PM
So I recently found out that I'm probably a transgender male. As a transgender male, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of getting pregnant, which has led to a fear of rape. This fear is heightened when male customers at work seem to have body language (leaning in too close on the counter) and speech (calling me 'sweetie' or 'honey') that seems slightly sexually aggressive. The same goes for desperate guy friends that keep trying to have relationships with me.

Until I can get surgery, which probably won't be for awhile,  I'm vulnerable to being 'forced to take on a female role' (ie become pregnant). Anyone have any ideas for dealing with the fear of this in the meantime so that I'm not constantly on edge at work?

I too agree with the self defense... I strongly encourage it.   That and never discount the advantage of 'pack mentality'.   Utilize it whenever possible, always travel in a pack if you can.  A pack you trust.  A pack of males can really present difficulties pre op.  There are options, but ... always be safe, keep that in the back of your head all the time.

I used to have fears similar to yours back when I was 23.  Then, while I was working as a delivery driver for a large shirt laundry downtown, I met this ex-con who started working there too.   He had just gotten out of Leavenworth Federal Prison for a drug charge.  He was a karate master.   He was in his late 40s. We became friends, started hanging out.  He taught me some awesome moves and concepts about Karate.  After that I was never really scared again.

In fact just today I had an incident where I went on high alert.

Quote from: skyshade13 on September 18, 2018, 05:44:48 PM
So I recently found out that I'm probably a transgender male. As a transgender male, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of getting pregnant, which has led to a fear of rape. This fear is heightened when male customers at work seem to have body language (leaning in too close on the counter) and speech (calling me 'sweetie' or 'honey') that seems slightly sexually aggressive. The same goes for desperate guy friends that keep trying to have relationships with me.

Until I can get surgery, which probably won't be for awhile,  I'm vulnerable to being 'forced to take on a female role' (ie become pregnant). Anyone have any ideas for dealing with the fear of this in the meantime so that I'm not constantly on edge at work?

I agree with the self-defense classes.  If you are that worried about sexual assault, being able to do something about it should it happen is probably your best bet.  Also, consider birth control of some kind.  Its yet another way to head off an unwanted pregnancy.  Speak to your doctor about your BC options.

As a FTM myself, I've never really had those fears.  Have you considered changing the way you dress?  Instead of dressing "the way you think you should dress," find out what's acceptable at your job and dress in a way that's more comfortable to you as a FTM.  That might help head off some of the more pushy men, especially if they perceive you as more masculine.

If they lean in close, take a step back.  Not in fear, but in a "you're too close and I'm not liking it" kind of way.  body language goes a long way.  If they call you "sweetie" or "honey," simply tell them your name, or whatever term you use while at work.  Most people will get the idea that you're simply being professional and will hopefully back off.

Good luck!

Ryuichi

The chances of it actually happening to you are extremely low, provided you do not take risks or put yourself in any risky situations at work. I say this as someone with some experience of both pregnancy, and of dealing with people at former work places (and landlords) who were utterly skeevy.

Maintain and be mindful of personal space. If someone gets too close, step away and maintain body language that suggests no interest. You could resort to aggression but in my experience that tends to lead to being fired. For now, I would suggest doing what women do because they are apparently perceiving you as a woman, which is making it clear you are not sexually interested in any of them, and not hanging about on your own in their sight. Skeevers know their actions are not socially acceptable, so they do them when others are not around but you. To avoid this, don't be alone in their presence if at all possible. Call others over, make it evident there are people about to back you up.

Provided you do not appear to "lead any of them on" by being friendly, or making any sort of gesture that would seem you are allowing what they are doing (this can include something as simple as "laughing along with" someone you don't like, or agreeing to have coffee with someone, so be aware) you should have little problem as most men know they are being rejected and it happens to them often enough that they will move on. If you have a truly "desperate" guy friend, be cruel to be kind and make it clear you are not interested, preferably by switching subject, or telling them outright you are not. If they are unstable enough to be a problem in this regard - you'd do well not to have them as friends.

As FTM I have found my own confusion as to how to treat other men who perceived me as a woman took decades to resolve and understand. They will be bemused and frightened by aggression in what appears to be a woman, but not in a way that tends to resolve itself easily. Smiling, laughing, and "pretending" to get along with someone can easily be taken for interest in them, so avoid that. I have a terrible habit of laughing when I am revolted or bemused by something, including a person, and its somewhat uncontrollable - when trying to get rid of an unwanted interest, this isn't the best thing to do because laughter can be seen as an approval or endorsement. If you are truly repelled by someone, then show it, not in an over the top fashion, but make it very clear you do not want to be near them or talking to them any longer than you absolutely have to.

Observe "disengagement" and "deescalation" tactics in women and how they do it without coming off as nasty. Once you transition and begin to be read as male none of this will likely be much of a problem for you any more.

I don't know anything about your past experiences in life or what makes you so scared that you're likely to get raped. But I'm afab and have been raped. It didn't lead to a pregnancy (thank goodness) and been sexually abused in other ways too. However I know that the vast majority of men are not rapists so I know to not fear that happening again. I acknowledge that it could happen again, but fearing it is not something I want to spend my energy on. I highly doubt the men at your work would hurt you like that, even though their behaviours might come off as creepy. That's a pretty common way for cis men to just be social with people they perceive as women.

Of course you can take self-defense classes (karate for ex is great and fun, I've practiced it myself). But you could also work on your confidence a bit, and showing disinterest without resorting to violence. When I thought I was a trans guy and transitioned, I was much less worried about possibly getting raped, than I am now living and passing as a woman again. Now I'm much more likely to be preyed on, but I still know it's not a high risk. Most cis men are straight and won't prey on someone they perceive as male. So if you'd go on T, you'll have less of a reason to worry once you'd start passing.

As for preventing pregnancy though, I've heard around that some forms of birth control can be used while also on T. The ones that don't contain estrogen. But I'm not an expert on that, I've just heard about it in some ftm spaces. I don't know where you live, but if abortion is legal in your area, that could also be an option in case of rape.

But also cis women don't want to end up with a pregnancy from rape either, that's a nightmare scenario for anyone with such body parts, not just trans men. Try to not let that fear consume you, would be my strongest advice. Also, if your reason for having this fear is because of past traumatic experiences, I'd also urge you to bring that up in therapy.