So it's my birthday today and I am now 52. All of this realization of a new and true me is really taking its toll. It has only been a month and a half or so since the lightbulb came on for me. Now I have realized that I don't want to die a man but at the same time the most precious thing I hold dear, my relationship with my wife, is probably the price I have to pay for being truly me. This is wrong. Society has created such a stigma for trans people that my wife who swore forever and three days can't come to grips with loving a woman. I will always be the same person no matter what physical changes happen to my exterior. My heart and soul will always be the same. I don't want to be without my wife. At the same time I can't live this way any longer.

Then I start thinking about transitioning and everything that entails. Just thinking about voice training alone has my head spinning. Then the hormones and all the changes that happen inside and out. I want some of them but I fear the same changes that I desire. I know that the changes are different for everyone but what if the changes are profound for me and happen before I'm socially ready for them? How do I shop for clothes? I don't know anything about how to be a woman socially. All I know is that I feel her deep inside me. She begs me to let her exist in the real world. Not just in the confines of my mind. What will my insurance cover? Please help me society. Stop being so hateful to transgender people.

I apologize for just dumping this out but I feel like I need some kind of release to ease the pressure that I'm feeling. Thanks for listening everyone. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Don't apologize!  This is what we are here for.

I am sorry that you are feeling this stress.  It is hard enough to transition in the face of society's potential disapproval, without having the added stress of maybe having to do it alone. 

But, in the end, you have to do what you have to do.  Whether that is putting off your transition in order to keep your wife happy or transitioning at the risk of losing here, whichever choice you make will be the right one.  We can help you with the practical questions, but only you can decide that one.

Don't freak out is all I can say. I felt the same at the start. A trans friend said to me in a restaurant. Why are you taking female hormones ? What are you doing? Are you not telling me something ect. These pointed questions made my voice responded before my brain. I blurted out -
" I want to be a woman"

  Then a ton of bricks fell on me followed by a giant piano. That was the first I admitted it to anyone including myself. My head spun, I was in a state of shock and awe. I couldn't focus at work- fear and anxiety was killing me.
  That got me to a psychiatrist and psychologist + official HRT.

My trans friends advice was - "Don't freak out. Take it easy. Just go one step at a time.

I found that did work. HRT + cross dressing + health/fitness+ talking to wife and family + gender therapist got me grounded and then just slowly step by step prevented being overwhelmed. You don't have to transition but you can if you want to !
Try not to think of everything all at once. Take time and slowly step by step.

With kindest regards, Kirsten[emoji126]



Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Hello Gabrielle!!

We have communicated before and you know that I was your exact age when I started this...

There is, of course, so much to consider... we have basically lived a lifetime in a prison cell... once we feel there might actually be a life beyond the cell... we dream of all the things that the life outside the cell might hold or us...

I cannot tell you your path but I can tell you what I experienced, if that holds any value...

When we picture what could be ahead... there are many unknowns... what will my life be if I jump off this cliff? We can sneak up to the edge... but, at some point... a change this big requires that we take a few jumps without totally knowing... exhilaration can be found in those moments of free fall.... in my case... I found an amazing life at the bottom... beyond my dreams, that had just been waiting, for a long time, for me to arrive...That does not mean that these changes came about without pain... without long periods of introspection... but still... this new life was mine to claim...

The obstacle of fear is in your path because you do not know what lays beyond it... here are a few thoughts on fear...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

From what you have written... your decision is between living the life you feel expresses the long suppressed truth inside you and... living to the expectations of others...perhaps even, somewhere in between... I can not tell you what the correct choice for you is but, I would urge you to think deeply and allow your heart... not fear... to make the decision...

If I can ever be of help... please feel free to pm me anytime dear sister

All good things to you as you explore life's possibilities!!!

Onward we go!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

Thank you KathyLauren. I am grateful to have a place like Susan's to find support. I already know that I have to transition. The only question that remains is what will it cost me. I've never been happier than I have been with my wife for the last 18 years. Yet this gender identity has made even that wonderful state of being unbearable. I hate that I wasn't able to come to terms with this decades ago. At least Kenna wouldn't have to suffer this stress. I know that my life would be so much less rich without her but it could spare her then I would pay that price without hesitation. Of course I have to live in the here and now. I just wish life could be a bit more generous and allow Kenna to find a way to love the me in my new shell. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on September 26, 2018, 08:14:07 PM
Don't freak out is all I can say. I felt the same at the start. A trans friend said to me in a restaurant. Why are you taking female hormones ? What are you doing? Are you not telling me something ect. These pointed questions made my voice responded before my brain. I blurted out -
" I want to be a woman"

  Then a ton of bricks fell on me followed by a giant piano. That was the first I admitted it to anyone including myself. My head spun, I was in a state of shock and awe. I couldn't focus at work- fear and anxiety was killing me.
  That got me to a psychiatrist and psychologist + official HRT.

My trans friends advice was - "Don't freak out. Take it easy. Just go one step at a time.

I found that did work. HRT + cross dressing + health/fitness+ talking to wife and family + gender therapist got me grounded and then just slowly step by step prevented being overwhelmed. You don't have to transition but you can if you want to !
Try not to think of everything all at once. Take time and slowly step by step.

With kindest regards, Kirsten[emoji126]



Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kirsten,

I really do get your message. I am doing my very best not to freak out. It's just so difficult when everything that my wife has said so far indicates that she will be unable to handle the gender shift. I just have to wait and hope that she will find a way to love the feminine me the way that she has loved the me she has always known. For me, I do know that I need to transition. I'm not going to start dressing in public tomorrow or anything but I have to keep moving towards the future. I got some very good advice from a friend who has been transitioning for almost ten years. She keeps telling me to slow down. So I am doing that but eventually reality will decide my path. Thank you for being in my corner with me. You ladies are the best. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Quote from: tgirlamc on September 26, 2018, 08:29:38 PM
Hello Gabrielle!!

We have communicated before and you know that I was your exact age when I started this...

There is, of course, so much to consider... we have basically lived a lifetime in a prison cell... once we feel there might actually be a life beyond the cell... we dream of all the things that the life outside the cell might hold or us...

I cannot tell you your path but I can tell you what I experienced, if that holds any value...

When we picture what could be ahead... there are many unknowns... what will my life be if I jump off this cliff? We can sneak up to the edge... but, at some point... a change this big requires that we take a few jumps without totally knowing... exhilaration can be found in those moments of free fall.... in my case... I found an amazing life at the bottom... beyond my dreams, that had just been waiting, for a long time, for me to arrive...That does not mean that these changes came about without pain... without long periods of introspection... but still... this new life was mine to claim...

The obstacle of fear is in your path because you do not know what lays beyond it... here are a few thoughts on fear...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

From what you have written... your decision is between living the life you feel expresses the long suppressed truth inside you and... living to the expectations of others...perhaps even, somewhere in between... I can not tell you what the correct choice for you is but, I would urge you to think deeply and allow your heart... not fear... to make the decision...

If I can ever be of help... please feel free to pm me anytime dear sister

All good things to you as you explore life's possibilities!!!

Onward we go!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

Oh Ashley,

Your story is truly inspiring me that real physical change could be possible. Of course that change has a cost in many ways. I have committed myself to putting in the physical effort to become healthy. Part of that may be driven by some vanity. I would like to be as attractive as possible in my female life. You are so right about eventually taking that leap of faith.

I fully intend to make that leap. I just pray that the bottom of my fall will find me sharing my shiny future with the woman I've loved for twenty years.

I thank you for accepting me as your sister and for your kind offer of a shoulder and kind ear. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Hi Gabrielle!

3 years ago, I was exactly where you are right now—at the end of my rope, afraid of losing everything, with the girl deep inside crying and begging for her (my) life.

My wife didn't think she could handle my transition either.

I am still married.  I am still working.  I still have all my friends.  I am a far better person than I was before.

All will be well.

Hugs, Carly

Quote from: CarlyMcx on September 26, 2018, 10:20:01 PM
Hi Gabrielle!

3 years ago, I was exactly where you are right now—at the end of my rope, afraid of losing everything, with the girl deep inside crying and begging for her (my) life.

My wife didn't think she could handle my transition either.

I am still married.  I am still working.  I still have all my friends.  I am a far better person than I was before.

All will be well.

Hugs, Carly

Thank you Carly,

I am hoping for something similar to happen in my situation as well. As long as the door hasn't already shut there will be hope. It's so wonderful to have all of you here pulling for me. All of you are my inspiration. Take care. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on September 26, 2018, 07:03:45 PM
So it's my birthday today and I am now 52. All of this realization of a new and true me is really taking its toll. It has only been a month and a half or so since the lightbulb came on for me. Now I have realized that I don't want to die a man but at the same time the most precious thing I hold dear, my relationship with my wife, is probably the price I have to pay for being truly me. This is wrong. Society has created such a stigma for trans people that my wife who swore forever and three days can't come to grips with loving a woman. I will always be the same person no matter what physical changes happen to my exterior. My heart and soul will always be the same. I don't want to be without my wife. At the same time I can't live this way any longer.

Then I start thinking about transitioning and everything that entails. Just thinking about voice training alone has my head spinning. Then the hormones and all the changes that happen inside and out. I want some of them but I fear the same changes that I desire. I know that the changes are different for everyone but what if the changes are profound for me and happen before I'm socially ready for them? How do I shop for clothes? I don't know anything about how to be a woman socially. All I know is that I feel her deep inside me. She begs me to let her exist in the real world. Not just in the confines of my mind. What will my insurance cover? Please help me society. Stop being so hateful to transgender people.

I apologize for just dumping this out but I feel like I need some kind of release to ease the pressure that I'm feeling. Thanks for listening everyone. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Gabrielle,

  First, happy birthday.  I think birthday make you think about the future and what you really want.  At least for me.  I'm on that same path as you.  I'm married for 30+ years and don't want to lose my wife.  I've been on HRT for about 19 months and it was a great decision.  I not "out" yet but I do have hope.  My wife and I have had talks and she  doesn't know if she can be married to a woman.  I tell her I'm that same person.  We may come to that decision that I want this path and she want that but right now we are slowing trying.
  Take a breath and just slowly pick different items to tackle.  Don't start thinking of them all, it will over whelm you.  When I finally admitted the truth that I wasn't just a CD, I started working on me.  Getting my clothes and makeup that best that I can do.  Getting out in public areas where I can slowly learn to get comfortable.  Those took some time for me.  I went on HRT and I was happy, but I thought what happens when I start looking all different and can't hide the changes.  Well HRT is very slow and I can hide them well so far.
  Anyway, just take it one day at a time.  Set small goals.  Talk with the wife.

Good Luck

Julie

@Gabrielle66   HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Take it slowly and don't think of everything at once. I started by growing my nails longer. Then I bought a cotton short sleeve nighty to sleep in and so on and so on. Married for 20 years, came out a month ago although already had various femme attributes showing and taking shape.

All my love,

Sonja. XOXO

Julie and Sonja,

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and for your kind and gracious encouragement. I know that I will get through this. It's just not going to be without a lot of tears. I do hope that they are mostly tears of joy. Have a wonderful day and thank you again for being there for me. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Hey Gabrielle!

Happy birthday! Wish everything will be great for you

Well, without risk of lose everything you can't unleash your inner you. Let's hope your wife will change her mind - maybe her love will be stronger than both of you think. And don't worry about clothes - you can order it from Internet or find supportive girl friend who will help you with shopping

Hi Gabrielle,

I'm in the same boat,  married 30 years, my wife doesn't want any changes but I've been on low dose E for 3 years now.  I have small breasts that can still be hidden.  When I think about not transitioning or just stopping the E,  I get extremely depressed.  We've talked about me continuing down this path and divorce.  Neither of us wants to take a strong stand though but something has to give.  I hope you find an answer.

Take care,
Paige