Hi Danielle, Thank you for your support and kind words. I enjoy reading your thread and hope you find happiness and someone to share a relationship with.

I still need a therapist and will continue to see her every other week. I will focus the time on learning new techniques' on addressing trauma. I think this would be a great focus for me to try to address. Discussing and reporting back to her on my experimenting on the techniques she recommends I try.  She recommended Reiki touch, trauma yoga  and a third I forget. anyhow, I need to schedule just one and try it and report back to her.

I was once told by a very smart Moderator here to not be jealous of the one thing be jealous of the whole thing. An example is a young trans woman that was very beautiful and had a boyfriend. I was so jealous of how she looked and her relationship. Then she said he ex-boyfriend gave her HIV. Later her T count dropped and continued to drop. She was so young and beautiful but she got sick. I did not envy her when over time she shared her struggle.

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Hi Laurie, I am so happy for you and Michelle. I am happy you are pursuing GCS too. Awesome , just awesome
We all have a finite amount of time, I hope you and Michelle have many years of love and sharing.
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Hi Kathy, I agree, electrolysis is not fun. Thank you for your support. I hope you are done with it soon.

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Hi Judi, thank you for your support and I hope you finish electrolysis very soon.
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**********Triggering**************
My therapist asked if I have any suicidal thoughts of late. I told her very few and not deep and not long lasting. They are like two ships passing at a distance. I think that is fantastic. I think in the past two weeks I though about it in passing once. Pretty good. I told my therapist I will eventually kill myself as I will not die as my Mother and Father over a 3 month period in pain. But as of right now there is a moratorium on suicide.
********************************

I have been super busy at work. I have not been active with Pride at work in the past month and I will not be at outfest this weekend.  There was a point when I first came to Susan's I read some expressing this and now I feel the same. I just want to live my life and fit in. There comes a point in transition where I do not feel I need exclusively queer spaces to feel safer. I feel safe and somewhat adjusted.

Can you say DSW. I am going to DSW today and shoe shop after I get my hair colored and cut. I am so excited

Have an awesome day.
Rachel

That's good that you've been busy at work.  I think you've earned a trip to DSW!

I agree that after a point we need to live in the greater world and just fit in and be ourselves. 

Have fun shopping!
Judi

Quote from: Rachel on October 06, 2018, 10:28:23 AM
>I am going to DSW today and shoe shop after I get my hair colored and cut. I am so excited

I wanna see your new hair color!  Can't wait.

I was just about to place an order with DSW :-)

Happy for you Rachel, you deserve many good things coming into your life.

❤️❤️

Quote from: Rachel on August 02, 2018, 08:35:12 PM
I went to the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference today, then my therapist then electrolysis.
[...]
I felt so out of place at the conference. I use to go there to listen to medical providers about HRT, FFS, hair transplants, BA and GCS. I did all that. I am moderating 4 seminars Saturday. Non of which are about transitioning. I chose yoga and mindfulness and the like.

Hi Rachel,

Have I met you before? Darn, I should've gone to the Trans Wellness Conference. I was scheduled to teach yoga on the first day there, but I had to decline because I wanted to attend my yearly Aikido summer camp. I had a big room scheduled there, too, and it would've been fun teaching there. I used to teach at the big Bikram studio on 15th and Sansom with 40-50 students in the large room sometimes. My pic was in the Philly Metro when they reviewed my yoga studio. Yay!

I'm glad you got to spend some time down in Rehobeth and I'm glad you're finding things to do in the city. I was actually down that way twice this summer, once in Rehobeth in July and once in Ocean City a few weeks ago. My timeline for surgeries is very similar to yours. It appears we're only a year apart on many things. For me, I chose to make the LGBT community a very small part of my life (it used to be a very big part of my life back when I was the infamous Kalina Isato). As a post-op, I've had little real success on dating sites (OK Cupid) having gone out with 22 guys that I'd care to remember (the rest I choose to forget), forming 3+ month relationships with only a handful of them, and keeping two as longterm friends. I've only had one non-call-back (that is, one dinner date and he never called back) and one who told me he got violently ill when he found out I was trans (and the <not allowed> is an Aikido person, too... so much for the art of peace and harmony... I should tell his Sensei that he's an ass!) On a busy week, I've gone on dinner dates 3 nights a week with different guys. When I'm not having dinner with a guy, I fill my time with fun stuff, like yoga, Aikido, archery, writing (I just finished writing my first book on yoga available at Barnes & Noble), fine dining (I'm a Yelp Elite reviewer and get invited to parties with free food), going to music concerts, etc. I try to keep myself in great shape and I think that's why it's pretty easy for me to meet guys. Meeting guys at straight dance clubs is not a problem for me. Guys seem to like yoga girls. I have a lot of friends, both conservative and liberal and many of them are wacky in their own way. I even have a longtime friend who claims he's genderfluid, but he's more like a fetishy crossdresser. He's cool because he's open to different foods and we dine at different restaurants. He's my foodie friend.

My life is pretty well balanced because I made it a point to live my life to the fullest. I survived cancer and a near fatal car crash in 1998. I was told I had a low chance of living beyond 5 years. In 2003, I celebrated by reinventing myself. I've experienced the joys of parenting and the sadness of divorce. I found love again, or thought I did, twice, living with a man and a trans woman over the years, both long term relationships (5+ years). I've stopped going to therapy ever since I had my GCS back in 2012. My last therapist actually said I didn't need to come back. Every now and again, if I feel sad, my five years of therapy, including my voluntary stay at a psych hospital, has given me enough tools to cope with the big D word. My support system is not other trans people, but just other people, a small percentage of whom are trans.

My point in saying all of this is Philly is a great place. You will be fine. You will meet someone. Don't limit yourself in your dating adventures. Go find as many things to do to occupy your time as possible. You will meet plenty of people that way. Go out with as many guys as you can find. Talk to them, eat with them, do fun things with them, and by that I don't mean sex. The reason why I've avoided much of the LGBT community nowadays is it's all about sex for a lot of the transv* and some of the transs* people (the guilty know what i mean). I'm just *me* and I'm doing quite fine making it as a straight woman by integrating myself into society. Be all that you can be! Sure, there might be an odd look here and there, but everyone gets judged if you think about it. Don't let that get to you. The important thing to remember is women should never cower away from an insulting glance from another woman. That's how some women assert their dominance over other women. Instead, look them straight in the eye, find their biggest flaw (after all, nobody is perfect), and lock onto it and then their eyes in a knowing glance. You will never be dominated by such cretins again. If your opposition is a man, you can just look at him in disgust as if you just told him to <not allowed> off

Hope this helps. You seem like a good person and I hope you find happiness and greatness in all that you do!

@JudiBlueEyes , Hi, I went to DSW but they did not have size 13 or 14 in the store. I did see size 13 on line so maybe I will order a few paires to see if they fit.

I agree, just being me and being in cis places is important. I am invited to an event tomorrow night with 40 to 60 trans woman. I like going to those too. I guess it is good  to be able to go to both. I am socially awkward so it is good to get out and do things even thought it is awkward.
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@Kendra , Hi, I will need to take a pic. I am blond now and have curls. My hair is getting longer. You look beautiful in your avatar.
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@SadieBlake , Hi Sadie, thank you. I hope your DSW order arrived and everything fit and looks great.

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@GeekGirl , wow, there is a lot of really good advise in your post. Thank you for sharing.

I agree, I need to do a lot of different things and just have fun. I joined a cis hetero gym very close to me and I spin 3 days a week (addictive) and hike with an 85 pound pack 5 miles. Tomorrow I will be in the state park at 0530 and hike for 2 hours (sunrise at my favorite part of the hike) then spin at 9:30, cut the grass, stop at a bar near me that is a really big singles place then if nothing is happening there go to an outdoor fire with 40 or so trans woman.

I think I would like to become a friend (donor) of the Art Museum. They have quarterly events for their donors.

I would love to do yoga and may add that into my gym routine. I really want to add the battle ropes into the routine.

I am definitely working on my body. I want to be in excellent shape and am on my way to getting there. My arms need work and my back.

You are definitely right. I will try different things and see what comes of it. My therapist and I are working on goals and it is in the socializations and trying new and different social opportunities. So your advise is exactly what I am working on, thank you.
=============

Voice update, my voice is still hoarse and low in power. I am not happy about it and will see the doctor at the end of the month. I do not know what to do. If he recommends an operation to move the vocal folds closer together I think I will do that. I have apprehensions about a third operation. I will most definitely see Dr. Thomas for a consultation either way. I am really adverse to another vocal operation but I think it will be in the cards.

Boobies, I  wanted a full C and I am a 42B. When I see Dr. McGinn I will ask her her thoughts and recommendation. Insurance will pay for another operation if I get a letter of need from the doctor. The sad part is my breasts are so well done but just not the size I wanted. Would I make a huge mistake if I have another operation. I really am getting tired of operations and just want to live my life. What happens if my 2nd BA has complications?

Hello, first off I wanted to share that I have been feeling wonderful. I no longer have dysphoria and I am really liking my body. I love shopping for clothes and looking my best. My hair looks great and I am enjoying my exercise and eating routines. I really feel wonderful and happy to be alive.

I just returned from Papillion Center. I had a 3 hour electrolysis session with numbing. I am bruised. I have electrolysis with my routine people Tuesday and Thursday. I go to Papillion every 5 weeks for a 3 to 4 hour session on the areas that are very sensitive.

I also had an appointment with Dr. McGinn. When I saw Bianna in the summer there was a portion of the skin that healed together from my revision. It did not look like anything big but that Dr. McGinn would need to cut it. It was schedule for fall because there are a lot of procedures scheduled for the summer and it gets very busy there. Anyhow, I was asked if I wanted numbing ( I just had my face injected a lot with numbing for 3 hours of electrolysis sessions);  I just said no only if you want to. The connection was cut then trimmed on each side. I just held my breath when she did the work.  I gained an inch of skin but now have a 2 inch U I will be treating with silver nitrate for the next 10 days. Dr. McGinn showed me how to do it.

I have another vaginal operation scheduled for April 2019. Dr. McGinn was pleased with how the vagina has softened and she wants it to soften even more before the operation. She will be removing a lot of skin and stretch mark scars with the procedure. She will be loosening the skin back in the thigh and redoing the bottom of my vagina such that it curves in. I want to cry but it is for the best. This has been my 14 visit and 4th procedure (including GCS and revision)  for my vagina.

Dr. McGinn showed me the cutest video of her daughter. Her daughter and I have similar hair in curl and color. I can never thank Dr. McGinn enough for all she has done for me. I think I am alive a large part because of the work she has done for me.

Papillion is moving to new location that is bigger at the entrance to Village Center. I have a lot of memories in the old place. Lots of people I know that I have seen there and my new beginning. I am sure the new place will be bigger.

Sorry to hear you need another surgery, great that Dr McGinnn is able to do such a good job with your revisions.  She is getting busier glad she got more space.  Keep us updated on how you are doing.

@mm, thank you for your support.

I had my speech therapy session tonight at Dr. Sataloff's offices. I did not make another appointment. I see the doctor next week. I need to know how much more time should I wait until my vocal folds touch. Will my vocal folds touch? I am horse and I cannot go on like this. My thought is to see Dr. Thomas for an opinion. Dr. McGinn recommended I go to South Korea and see Dr. Kim. I do not know what to do.

I guess I am feeling discouraged about my voice. I need to make a plan and act on it.

My vagina operation will provide a lot of positive benefits. I will go into the details later but it will provide a lot of benefits.

When I step back I am very lucky and need to put things into perspective. I am discouraged that things that I planned do not work out. With my vagina I understand there is just so much that can be done at any one time and Dr. McGinn is making that area beautiful. My voice I know I am making progress and the work looks beautiful. I guess I am not realistic in my expectations. Maybe my body heals differently and it is me.
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There are things I heard but have not fact checked in politics that is upsetting. I will defer comment other than we and other disparaged segments of society have been used over time to swing large blocks of votes. I know it is not fair and I know it hurts. I know bigotry is alive and well and people use others for their gain. I feel as though when the veil is removed there is a very ugly side of our society.

I have learned so much about people in the past 6 years. I have learned even more about myself. I will overcome.

Rachel I was happy to read that you have been feeling good and love your body.  Living the live you were meant to life has a certain appeal!  It is good to be alive. 

Despite the need for revision Dr. McGinn seems to be taking care of you well.  That's awesome.  Don't let any of that get to you.  Its just nature as we heal the way we do.  The best part is things can be adjusted.  You have a good team on your side. 

How sweet that the doctor would show you that video of her daughter.  Many physician's shy away from personal contact like that with patients so I know she has an affinity for you.  This is totally understandable.  After reading your posts for years I agree you are a special person.  Thanks for sharing!  {Big Hug}

Judi

Hi Judi, thank you for the kind words. I agree, the team is wonderful. Special person, hum, I do not think so but thank you.
-----------------------------

Voice, I had an appointment with Dr. Sataloff today. His fellow scoped me with a nurse. The doctor came in with the fellow, an observing doctor, my speech pathologist, the nurse and the aide. The scope showed the opening at the bottom of the vocal folds has healed perfectly and the vocal folds touch when vibrating from the bottom to 80% to the top, which is normal. I still have a growth behind the left vocal fold which they attribute to acid reflux. I am scheduled for an acid monitoring test for 24 hours. This is a small probe that measures acid over time. The goal is to see if it is caused by acid. If so then there are dietary changes and the growth should go away. If acid is not the issue then either it will be surgically removed in the OR or if I can tolerate it in a procedure room.

The small growth is causing a distortion on the upper side of the left vocal fold at the top. The doctor believes that distortion will go away when the growth is gone. I am on reflux meds now, morning and night. It may mean tablets and alkaline water.

My HZ is base at 270 which was about 330 6 months ago. The doctor thinks it will settle perfectly at about 240. I can go lower to about 230 with effort and into 500 HZ. I am a little hoarse and low on vocal power. The vocal power is improving. He said at the rate I am healing I will need 6.5 more months till I have a final product. I am not gendered male on the phone and I am gendered female. My old speech pathologist said I do not sound male in any way and I sound female. This is from an I phone recording I sent her via messenger. The I phone app recorder is very critical on the recorded voice.

So voice is progressing. He did day it would take 6 months to a year to fully heal. I am impatient and overly critical. I record my voice daily and denote the HZ test I do. I hear improvement every week. I am gaining in articulation now and that is something I missed very much over the past 5.5 months. I have been practicing sliders and I will be practicing articulation now too. I have the ability to vary my pitch as proven today so I will begin to relearn.

I think one issue (besides the growth) is that I am relearning speech on a very different instrument. Sounds weird but it is the only way I can explain it.

Aetna settled the glottoplasty invoice. They were paid 100% what they billed, $74,000. I do not know what to say.

I am being treated very well and I am impatient. I was a bit depressed about the long healing time and scared too. I have had it with operations and if I need the growth surgically removed I will do my best to have it done in a procedure room with a local and not an OR. I really dislike general anesthesia.

One of the tricks to treating Acid Reflux is not to lay down for a few hours after eating. Going to bed right after eating is the worst thing you can do as it causes your stomach acid to move up and cause problems. If you need to sleep, do it in a sitting up position. My roommate had this issue and along with antacids, it helped a good deal with the problem.

I never thought I had reflux but when I started to loose my voice several years ago my ENT (after scoping) determined that acid reflux had caused my vocal chords to be "fried" (my term, not hers).  There was a name for the type I had/have which is a quick flush of acid up and down.   Although it may very well have been due to what Dena suggests, reclining or laying down too soon after eating.  I take an OTC medication daily and all is well now.   I hope this can be resolved easily for you Rachel.

Judi

Hello Judi and Dena, thank you for your help.

I eat between noon and 6 PM and have at least 2.5 to 3 hours before I sleep. I take prescription medication before I break fast and before bed. I had no idea I had an issue. When I was scoped there was discoloration on my esophagus.

I had the glottoplasty and the healing looks awesome. The exception is the top left behind the vocal fold. There is a growth. I have a 24 hour acid test Wednesday into Thursday. They stick a probe down my throat and measure the acid for 24 hours. I do everything as normal. Which means work and spinning. I hope I do not puke. 

Anyhow, the doctor said if it is reflux caused growth then he will prescribe alkaline XYZ to treat it. If it is not acid reflux based then he will remove it in the office if I can tolerate it or in the OR.

The doctor said in time if my voice does not go down in pitch by itself then he can take a portion of the web down in the office if I can tolerate it or in the OR. I think the pitch is lowering gradually. I think it may be fine if the growth is removed.

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I had planned on gong to a bar near me tonight. I did not go. The thought was to go there and get some dinner and have some diet coke at the bar. Tonight was to just see how the place is layed out and see if it is worth while going back.

When I was doing voice lessons in Doylestown there were a few places I thought some day I could go to and check out. Then again there is New Hope and a few places I want to check out after hours.

This weekend is shot but next weekend I will pick one and go on Saturday night.

Tomorrow I will spin then I will have Pho for lunch with my ex near me. Perhaps I will hike in the afternoon.

Last Thursday it snowed. I have an appointment to have a tube removed. It was for a 24 hour acid test. Anyhow, I had to get that tube out. It went in my nose, down my throat and in my tummy. After the tube was removed I went on my way to go home. Oh no Philly with 4 inches of ice slush at rush hour.  It took me 4 hours to get home. WHYYYYYYY!!

Anyhow, on 16th street I had to stop for a red light. The guy in the car behind me honked the horn. He wanted me to block the intersection by crossing the street so he could turn. I Would not do that. He hit the horn and let it blast. Then he got out of his car. He had tats on his face, neck and arms and he was screaming at me. Four times he told me to move my car by saying F*****g C**T move your car.

So I had a tube removed from and I felt so relieved. I was in Philly ice/slush rush hour traffic and a guy was screaming at me. The light changed for the third time and I was able to cross the street. As I was driving home I could not help but think this guy gendered me right. I was so happy. He was very upset and if he thought I was trans I am sure he would have said something else.

Anyhow, in a very emotional guy he saw a woman 100%. It helped with the long drive home.
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On the way to work that morning on I95 there was a truck overturned and two cars involved in the crash. It was not that far ahead of me on the left and it was early so traffic was not bad. I slowly passed the crash and remembered almost 6 years prior how desperate I was to end the pain. An accident on I95 with a tractor trailer was the plan. As I passed the crash I thought about the state of mind I was in and how things changed. I felt so lucky to be alive.

Anyone thinking it can not get better and thinks about stopping the pain please know you can face the truth and some day feel lucky to be alive and be yourself.

When I first saw my first therapist after a while I knew I had to transition. She said it takes a lot of work. I did not know what she meant by that. Well it took a huge amount of work.

Own it, girl!

I remember your early posts well.  I was in the beginnings of my transition struggles at the same time.  I have watched your journey as I have made mine.  Glad you took the correct path.  We made different choices to satisfy different needs but we have both arrived on the other side.  Welcome home.

Stevi

"Anyhow, in a very emotional guy he saw a woman 100%. It helped with the long drive home."

Rachel, every dark cloud has a silver lining I suppose!  Still I'm sorry you had to endure that abuse.

We are so glad you are alive and well, and here to tell us about your journey.  You have been an inspiration for so many.  Transition is a lot of work; physical and emotional.  But those us that come out the other side are most certainly better for it.  I know I am.  And I see you are as well. [BIG Hug]

I know you're glad to get that tube removed, yuck!

All my best, Judi

Hi Stevi and Judi, thank you for your kind words and support. I a glad you both chose the path less walked too.

------------------------------

So on Thanksgiving I want to work and had two WaWa hot dogs for dinner. I was feeling down.

I had dinner at my ex's place tonight with her and my daughter. It was a very nice time.
--------------------------------
Stomach acid and swallowing tests:

Funny thing about the tube was that some people at work did not say anything to me and just ignored the tube. I wonder if it made them feel awkward. There is one woman I know very well for a long time and she would not even look at me or mention it.

I need to call Dr. Sataloff's office Monday and inquire if they have the results back yet. I am curious about the results.
----------------------
Voice:

My voice is entering into another phase. It started two weeks ago and progressively it had gotten to a point where I can project my voice. It was like puberty where my voice all the sudden changed. I can project my voice now. At first the vocal folds were rough and have progressively gotten smoother. My HZ has lowered to 206 to 230 hz. I can access higher pitch and am starting to try inflection on the new vocal pattern.

When I look at my vocal fold pics and compare it to others the amount of vocal fold that was webbed appeared to be 60%. I requested a laser not be used. The reason I requested that is there are a lot of parts to a vocal fold and I did not want them damaged by the heat. Doctor Sataloff said it was my choice and he can do the work either way. So I chose a scalpel. He said it did not make a difference.

I wonder if it just took time for my scar tissue to become soft for the vocal folds to vibrate and close correctly or more correctly in my case. Anyhow, I am a long way from my voice being correct but this is a great first step. I am optimistic now and have some hope that my voice may be usable   .

I think it's that people don't want to mention it out of fear of insulting you.  Which is good... 

That's great that your voice is getting stronger.  I've heard it takes a lot of time for vocal surgery to fully heal and the voice to get to a point of normalcy.  I can easily talk in a feminine range but I'm not consistent in application since I also have a reflex issue as well as some damage from all the inhaled meds I've taken over the years.  I'm thinking of seeing an ENT or voice therapist this coming year for an assessment on what's possible to get some consistency.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling optimistic!
Judi   

Hi Judi, thanks. If you get a vocal assessment and decide to get surgery I recommend taking your time and make a very informed choice.

I have been clean and sober for 21 years but I am one impulse away. I keep away from tempting situations as much as possible. When I go to community parties I am very careful and leave early. I was at a party in June and left early. It went for a day and a half. I was so tempted. Now that I have a voice I can go to community parties again (no fun just standing there and not being able to be heard).  I think there is one tomorrow night through Sunday.
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I went to Papillion today and had 4 hours of electrolysis with numbing. Ramona is awesome and Bianna is too. My upper lip was worked on for 4 hours and then my left side. Next time there is Dec. 20.

I have a 1 hour electrolysis appointment tomorrow and then next two Tuesdays and Thursdays and then Papillion again.
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I feel really good. Tomorrow night I will stop at a singles place close to where I live. My goal is to get something to eat at the bar and have a diet coke or two. Hopefully someone stops over and starts a conversation. Then spinning Saturday morning and I will go into the main gym for the first time and start working out. I hope to Ruck this weekend and spin Monday and work out in the main gym.
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So my goal this weekend is to start socializing and meet people.