Transgender people do not get to be who they are. Without being who they are, they cannot feel the bond that most people create with each other. For example, if someone were to be affectionate towards them, they would not feel it. A word like love would have no meaning for them and it they would feel completely empty. Imagine going through life not being able to feel loved by families and friends. The person they pretend to be, a puppet, gets love, but the person who they really are gets no love. Most people who are transgender would rather die than live life as a vegetable that cannot feel any emotion like love. If someone said I love you to a person that identify as transgender, that transgender person would not feel it.

   What is even worse is the fact that some transgender people cannot love themselves. The message from society teaches them that they are disgusting and deserve no love whatsoever. Growing up transgender and watching others receive love while you don't receive any can make you suicidal. You may even think that being dead is the same as existing the way you are currently living, a lie. You think there is no difference between the current you and being dead because the real you inside is already dead. Nobody acknowledges the real you which may feel the same as death.

   When family and friends watch you go through a transition, they experience the "Death" of a loved one. Now they know how you feel for years/decades. The feeling of being dead is transfer over to your family who experience the fake you dead. They get to experience a few moments of how you felt for decades. In my opinion I will not care how most people feel once I transition. Once I transition I can find people to give me that love that I never get to have. That magical feeling that people care about you that you never got to experience for years. If I lost my family because I transition I would not care because they never gave me true love for being me.

   
   The most important love is the love that you give yourself. If you tell yourself verbally out loud that you love yourself you will feel better. When you tell yourself that I love you, you need to mean it. Also, you need to tell the fake you to disappear and your days are number. One of these days the imposter that stole your identity will be no more. Count down the days until you transition, that will make you feel happy. During your transition you will feel much happier. After you transition that happiness will be at its maximum.

   Another reason why I still have not killed myself is because there is one person that knows the real me and loves the real me. His name is GOD. All humans need to feel love from at least one other person. Loving yourself is not enough to keep you alive because people need that bond and connection from ONE OTHER PERSON. As long as you know that another person loves you, you can survive being born transgender. My spiritual connection with god as kept me alive up until now. I feel lucky that am not a part of the trans population suicide statistics.
Hopefully any trans person reading this will not feel the urge to kill themselves.

What reasons do you guys have for not killing yourself? What have kept you alive for this long? How do you find the love that was not given to you? Did finding susan transgender forum, the transgender community, help you in any way from killing yourself.

"What reasons do you guys have for not killing yourself?"

I love life, and I love myself.

I think you're painting with an overly broad brush. Some transgender people take their lives, and that's tragic. But most of us fight on.

Being dead sucks more than the rest of it.  Having been shot at, blown up, several severe motorcycle accidents, a few parachuting accidents, and being in situations where angry people didn't value my life...  it pretty much galvinized my position that "living is pretty cool".

Getting shot at for a living definitely changes one's perspective on that whole dying thing.

QuoteWhat reasons do you guys have for not killing yourself? What have kept you alive for this long? How do you find the love that was not given to you?

First, I didn't start hrt yet, so I can hide among hostile people without provoking agression. Second, I don't care about love, I like to think about myself as about rationalist, and here's the thing: until my level of life is acceptable, I won't kill myself because there might be opportunity in future that let me rise. I mean, what the point if I can endure all the ->-bleeped-<- physically and mentally and look into future?
Well I dunno how to say it correctly. I understand that people commit suicide when they think they can't. But I have a lot of defencive mechanisms and it's hard to shake me. Indifference, anger, distraction, patience, cynism, logic, etc. I just hope it'll be enough for my transition.

QuoteAnother reason why I still have not killed myself is because there is one person that knows the real me and loves the real me. His name is GOD.

Yeah, I always envious toward religious people because they have gods on their side, while little me do everything by myself haha Don't mean to offend, it's great that you have such faith, it can save your ass time to time

Quote from: Harley Quinn on October 06, 2018, 11:16:30 AM
Being dead sucks more than the rest of it.  Having been shot at, blown up, several severe motorcycle accidents, a few parachuting accidents, and being in situations where angry people didn't value my life...  it pretty much galvinized my position that "living is pretty cool".

Gold.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on October 06, 2018, 11:18:57 AM
Getting shot at for a living definitely changes one's perspective on that whole dying thing.

Gold.

Quote from: Alice V on October 06, 2018, 11:20:34 AM
First, I didn't start hrt yet, so I can hide among hostile people without provoking agression. Second, I don't care about love, I like to think about myself as about rationalist, and here's the thing: until my level of life is acceptable, I won't kill myself because there might be opportunity in future that let me rise. I mean, what the point if I can endure all the ->-bleeped-<- physically and mentally and look into future?
Yeah, I always envious toward religious people because they have gods on their side, while little me do everything by myself haha Don't mean to offend, it's great that you have such faith, it can save your ass time to time

Gold.

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM
Also, you need to tell the fake you to disappear and your days are number. One of these days the imposter that stole your identity will be no more.

   Another reason why I still have not killed myself is because there is one person that knows the real me and loves the real me. His name is GOD.

My spiritual connection with god as kept me alive up until now.

I think of my fake self as a shield that has protected me from hatred.  Unfortunately, the act of hiding behind this shield hurts almost as much as being perceived as the fake self.  I know that God has put me here for a reason, has given me this life, as much as it hurts, for a reason.  It's my duty to figure that reason out.  That's why I'm still here.

I'm pretty lucky I'm not part of those suicide statistics myself.

I started fantasizing about suicide off and on when I was 11-12 years old; even at that age I didn't feel like I could ever be myself, I believed that no one would ever love me for who I really was, and I was convinced that I would never have a life where I could be happy.  Unfortunately, in the church I grew up with, faith only made things harder for me - I was told that God only loved me as my assigned at birth gender, and that any desire or actions to live as anything else were some of the worst sins a person could ever commit, far worse than murder; I was told that acting on them was an automatic one-way ticket to hell, and that such people didn't deserve to live.   It took me a good 15+ years to get past what I'd been taught just enough to actually go through with transitioning, though more than anything else it was because I felt like I'd finally reached a point where the only options left were transition or suicide, and one of those can't be undone.

So what kept me alive despite frequent thoughts of suicide, and hating myself, and feeling hopeless and like no one else would ever love the real me?  Caring about others.  I didn't want anyone else to ever suffer like I had - no one on earth deserved that.  The only thing that kept me from going through with it in those moments where I was dangerously close was the thought that my death would make my parents and some of my coworkers sad and it would be an inconvenience for others.

Even a few months on HRT and being out to people has made a massive difference in my life though.  No more thoughts of suicide, or feeling like no one will ever love me.  That doesn't mean it's easy or that I feel accepted by everyone everywhere, but having a few friends that I really believe care about the real me, and feeling more free to act like myself around them and at work was absolutely life changing!  I also have a much greater sense of self worth and of being valuable in the world because I've been able to start contributing a lot more to the lives of others now that I'm not so busy drowning in my own suffering.  Most of all though, it's given me hope that I can have a life where I'm happy, and that gives me a reason to keep getting up every day and putting up with whatever problems the day throws at me.

I was emotional reading this. I couldn't read it all at the same time either.
I remember at 10 or 11 I felt the weight of the world, or almost like carrying a boulder, on my shoulders. I couldn't really understand what it was, or why I was feeling that way.
All I knew was that I wanted it to go away. I think it stayed with me for a long time. I'm 28 now and a year on hrt and I don't remember when I felt that weight.
I wish I knew what it was before so I could have done something about it.
I'm shocked I made it this far. I keep surprising myself.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Your argument is based on a faulty premise.  You assume that nobody is aware that a person is transgender before they actually come out.  This is wrong.  Most people are aware of what we are on some level.  They may not be willing to admit it, even to themselves, and make it hard for us to actually come out, but they know.  We betray our nature in a thousand little ways.  It's just that denial is a very powerful force in people's psychology.   And when we are in the closet we too participate in the denial process ourselves.   They may deny what we are on a conscious level but the unconscious takes in vast amounts of data, unfiltered by the denial mechanisms of the conscious mind.  So on some level, they know.

Quote from: Janes Groove on October 06, 2018, 11:40:58 PM
Your argument is based on a faulty premise.  You assume that nobody is aware that a person is transgender before they actually come out.  This is wrong.  Most people are aware of what we are on some level.  They may not be willing to admit it, even to themselves, and make it hard for us to actually come out, but they know.  We betray our nature in a thousand little ways.  It's just that denial is a very powerful force in people's psychology.   And when we are in the closet we too participate in the denial process ourselves.   They may deny what we are on a conscious level but the unconscious takes in vast amounts of data, unfiltered by the denial mechanisms of the conscious mind.  So on some level, they know.

It's true that at least some people pick up on things subconsciously, and I definitely had some instances of that in my life.  For example, some of the women in my life were starting to wonder why they'd not been treating me the same way they treat 'other guys' for years, but never could figure it out till I came out to them!  Did I show a lot of little signs over the years that would have been obvious to someone paying attention and not in total denial?  Absolutely!  An observant and accepting parent could have easily figured out that I was really a girl by the time I was 9!  As you pointed out though, denial is incredibly powerful.

There's a big difference though between people being subconsciously aware that I'm gender non-conforming in some way, and openly accepting and getting to know the full version of me.    When people who were closer to me did pick up on my differences consciously, the usual response was something along the lines of "Guys aren't supposed to be like that!  Never act like that again, ever!  It's super weird and makes us uncomfortable!"  The feeling this left me with is that their love and acceptance of me was conditional on them only ever seeing a heavily filtered version of me with a fake veneer of masculinity, and that they weren't willing to accept the whole me.  These of course were the same people who claimed they cared a lot about me and encouraged me to just 'be myself' with others.  It made all of those words of support and encouragement feel incredibly hollow.

My children are pretty much the thing that stops those thoughts when they surface. Even though I sometimes feel that the loss of me would be easier than watching the struggle of their mother and I trying to keep our family together, which is only in jeopardy due to my realization of who I am, I just try to keep telling myself "NO! They need you no matter what" I hope someday those feelings can be gone forever, but until I can live authentically as my true self I now see inside, I imagine it will continue to be an issue. Stay strong! Hugs

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

Before HRT, contemplating suicide was fairly common, because I was not who I was supposed to be. Becoming the woman I was meant to be freed me from the sad tyrrany.

Hi HardLife,

  Not much wisdom from me.  But I see you have a Tuxedo Cat.  I've had a Tuxedo Cat.  And that cat meant more to me than life itself.  Anybody that has a Tuxedo Cat can't commit Suicide.

  HarleyQuinn.  I see that Harley's been shot at.  I've been shot at.  And I see that Harley's been blown up.  I've got a piece of IED shrapnel sitting on the bookcase from a time when something blew up.  And Harley's had angry people around who didn't value his life.  Me too.  And I see that HarleyQuinn has a yellow cat.  Oh yes.  I've had a yellow cat.  And that cat often reminded me that living's pretty cool.   

  So not much wisdom from me. Just the thought that someone with a cat they love would probably have a hard time  contemplating suicide.  I mean you just can't get around to thinking such thoughts with a cat purring on your lap.

      Carolina

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM
What reasons do you guys have for not killing yourself?

I contemplated suicide and simply cutting myself when i was in my teens. but my mom being a head nurse in Republic of South Africa. would of definitely noticed it and i was scared of going to a mental institute for years or life. and so i figured out ways to do this in one really good go, the means was readily available. however, one of the biggest things was God and the st James Bible. the only thing that kept me alive during my life. like what ever happens to the souls for those who commit suicide? I read that book constantly. and now i started loving myself, never have before do now.

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM
What have kept you alive for this long?

God and the st James Bible. the only thing that kept me alive during my life. and the question where do the souls that suicide go? also music, i love the piano and music. tv shows called star trek, books and my imagination where i could live as i wanted. i lived for a long time in my thoughts.

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM
How do you find the love that was not given to you?

my therapist showed me, that i need to love myself. this was naturally difficult in my current looks as a male (yuck). i found who i was along the way, my inner strength, i started living and not existing, i found reasons beyond my kids (cause you know they grow up and all).

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM
Did finding susan transgender forum, the transgender community, help you in any way from killing yourself.

oh hell yes, this has and does help me daily. i dont have much money and contribute when i can. a forum saved me years ago and has again.

Quote from: hardlife on October 06, 2018, 10:27:01 AM

WHY I THINK TRANSGENDER PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE

   Transgender people do not get to be who they are. Without being who they are, they cannot feel the bond that most people create with each other. For example, if someone were to be affectionate towards them, they would not feel it. A word like love would have no meaning for them and it they would feel completely empty. Imagine going through life not being able to feel loved by families and friends. The person they pretend to be, a puppet, gets love, but the person who they really are gets no love. Most people who are transgender would rather die than live life as a vegetable that cannot feel any emotion like love. If someone said I love you to a person that identify as transgender, that transgender person would not feel it.

Huh? But I do get to be who I am, have always been myself. I've known myself to be a girl since the age of three and that's what I have always been. When i started medically transitioning, that just affirmed who I always was and made me more comfortable in my body. And actually, I do feel loved by both family and friends. Some of them had problems accepting me for a while, but that changed over time and didn't stop them from loving me. I have a boyfriend who loves me and wants to marry me some day, I have a group of trans friends who are like sisters to me, I still have most of the cis friends I knew pre transitioning and most of my family is still there, didn't abandon me at all. Society at large accepts me for the woman I am and I am entirely out of the closet, not at all pretending to be someone I'm not.

Why are you presuming that trans people stay in the closet? Why do you presume that someone who has not medically transitioned woud not be her authentic self yet, but just some make belief person? I also was a woman when I was still presenting male outwardly, medically transitioning didn't magically change the person I have always been. I really don't have a multiple personality disorder.

   

Quote from: hardlifeWhat is even worse is the fact that some transgender people cannot love themselves. The message from society teaches them that they are disgusting and deserve no love whatsoever. Growing up transgender and watching others receive love while you don't receive any can make you suicidal. You may even think that being dead is the same as existing the way you are currently living, a lie. You think there is no difference between the current you and being dead because the real you inside is already dead. Nobody acknowledges the real you which may feel the same as death.

Yeah, internalized transphobia must suck. But I've been fortunate enough to never experience that and do not recognize myself in the depressing and negative image you paint. I love myself, I love others and am loved in return. I'm very much alive and celebrate every moment of it.

Earlier this year I was very ill, had cancer and what became very evident to me, is that I WILL TO LIVE.

   

Quote from: hardlifeWhen family and friends watch you go through a transition, they experience the "Death" of a loved one. Now they know how you feel for years/decades. The feeling of being dead is transfer over to your family who experience the fake you dead. They get to experience a few moments of how you felt for decades. In my opinion I will not care how most people feel once I transition. Once I transition I can find people to give me that love that I never get to have. That magical feeling that people care about you that you never got to experience for years. If I lost my family because I transition I would not care because they never gave me true love for being me.

There is some mourning, but everybody involved is very aware that I'm very much alive and still the same person. There is no duality between me pre and after transitioning. Sure, hormones changed some of my behavioral patterns, but i general, people are even somewhat disappointed how much I stayed the same

   
   

Quote from: hardlifeThe most important love is the love that you give yourself. If you tell yourself verbally out loud that you love yourself you will feel better. When you tell yourself that I love you, you need to mean it. Also, you need to tell the fake you to disappear and your days are number. One of these days the imposter that stole your identity will be no more. Count down the days until you transition, that will make you feel happy. During your transition you will feel much happier. After you transition that happiness will be at its maximum.

I don't see that duality between a "fake" and "real" me. That male person never actually existed and was just a matter of presentation.

   

Quote from: hardlifeAnother reason why I still have not killed myself is because there is one person that knows the real me and loves the real me. His name is GOD. All humans need to feel love from at least one other person. Loving yourself is not enough to keep you alive because people need that bond and connection from ONE OTHER PERSON. As long as you know that another person loves you, you can survive being born transgender. My spiritual connection with god as kept me alive up until now. I feel lucky that am not a part of the trans population suicide statistics.
Hopefully any trans person reading this will not feel the urge to kill themselves.

I'm fine being an atheist too. I have no need for invisible friends who give me make belief love, am and have always been just one person (a woman) and love life.

Quote from: hardlifeWhat reasons do you guys have for not killing yourself? What have kept you alive for this long? How do you find the love that was not given to you? Did finding susan transgender forum, the transgender community, help you in any way from killing yourself.

I don't want to kill myself, but fight to stay alive. I cherish every second of it, especially now I know how fragile it is, after having been through lung cancer. I love and am loved. I'm happy and grateful for every second I get to live this wonderful life. Well, I'm not literally grateful since I'm an atheist, but I am. to the universe, the people I love, the sun that rises every day, the joy I always feel.

Quote from: cluck1992 on October 07, 2018, 01:45:30 PM
My children are pretty much the thing that stops those thoughts when they surface. Even though I sometimes feel that the loss of me would be easier than watching the struggle of their mother and I trying to keep our family together, which is only in jeopardy due to my realization of who I am, I just try to keep telling myself "NO! They need you no matter what" I hope someday those feelings can be gone forever, but until I can live authentically as my true self I now see inside, I imagine it will continue to be an issue. Stay strong! Hugs

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

This is my reality.   

I have carried lots of guilt, shame, embarassement and sadness....All lead to periods of depression, and suicidal thoughts .   

For me, most of my suicidal thoughts have centred around having a very good life (which does not equal me being happy and authentic) and that being at risk for my wife and kids.   My path to a "normal" and authentic life involves impacting my wife and kids.   This makes me very sad.   I was considering different suicidal options, to end it now so my kids would remember me in the most positive light.   

I have worked this through for now, given the love and support from my support network and a couple very dear friends in Susan's Place.   They have helped me have the confidence to face the next layer of fear, and accept that my kids are incredible human beings.  That my kids, while impacted, would be even more incredible given this experience.  Taking my life would severely impact them more, and would not give them the benefit and credit they deserve as the incredible people they are.

All of this has taken the magnitude of my dysphoria and weight of this to a whole new level.  But I am doing better given my choice to face the fear and acknowledge the love and strength of loved ones.

My heart goes out to individuals who do not have the love and support of friends and family.   

Karen