Hello Everyone,  Sorry for the rambling still excited from last night. Mods if this is the wrong area move it please.

Long time lurker first time speaking. Ive enjoyed observing everyone's journey over past few years, often green with envy.  While afraid like many, and with the recent encouraging threads. I felt it was time for me to join in.

After hiding for many years. I've had many firsts this week. While working in a very large friendly city. I've found a PCP, therapist, support groups, and last but not least stores.

Took my first ever timid steps as me out and about. Nothing spectacular, but huge for me. First makeover followed by driving around, dinner at a pub, and back to hotel. I wasn't brave enough to use the front door from fear of meeting coworkers though. Funny thing several coworkers called while I was out inviting me to dinner. EEEEK. Rain check please, I'll meet you guys at bar later. Stayed me as long as possible of course. I changed back and met everyone downstairs. Once back at room I through on pjs did my hair and relaxed. I ended up falling asleep on couch watching TV.

My thoughts and how I felt along the way? Nervous as hell. Scared of course, but during the makeover I started to relax. At the end I looked up and was shocked. While I'm a big gurl, and may not pass.  I thought I looked good. Best I've looked to date in fact. I could see a little glimmer of hope, and what full time may look like if I go that route. Walked around the store a bit smiling more and more. Doing my best to walk in my new boots. Super calm in the store, slowly working up courage to go out the door. The time finally came to leave my new found safe space. Here goes nothing...Nobody knows me here what's the worst that could happen. Hopped in the car took a moment to collect myself and pulled out. Learned driving in heels is different. Freaking out I'm going to get clocked right here before leaving the lot. Eyes forward don't look around. After a few minutes I realized everyone's in their own little world. I relaxed, looked around more, started smiling, and turned on the radio. Guess what nothing happened. I guess I got lucky. Nobody stared, or paced along side pointing and laughing. A few times women even smiled back while at a red light. Holy crap this is cool. Found a friendly pub, parked and didn't take as long to get out. Rushed through a light dinner and a glass of wine in order to meet coworkers later. Once back at the hotel I panicked a bit. Futzed around getting my things together for the long walk to my room. I could of sworn this seemed shorter on way out. Went in side entrance. Oh crap that group of people wasn't in the hall a second ago. Must have passed inspection from a distance well enough. The group looked up and went on with their conversation. Hey nobody started pointing and laughing or called the cops. Yeah! Don't mind me. Walked down hall and ducked into stairwell. Up on my floor peaked out coast is clear. Quickly walked to my room, fudge this seems even further. Hey look getting better at this heel thing. Whew I made it without an incident. Took time for some selfies. Slow to start then more and more. Deleted most, but kept a few. Don't think I'm ready to share yet. Well time to go meet folks. Not sad/depressed per se changing, more disappointed or put off. For me I looked and felt great, and felt As if I'd just jumped the Grand Canyon. I didn't want it to end. Went down and met folks. Found I was more relaxed, friendlier, and talked more than I have in a while. Im usually a dorky wall flower. I'm sure I smiled more as well. This morning I didn't want to put my things away to go home. Oh hell I hope TSA doesn't check my bag. Made it through TSA safely whew. Forms weren't questioned wow. BTW I went with silicone with a concave back. Large enough to fill out what volume I lack to match frame. 4th grade puberty was weird for me. I got boobs like the other girls. Ended up a B cup, and I wasn't fat then. Told everyone I must have been born a girl. At first it was a joke, but if I was honest with myself..... well you know. Nope never caused self esteem issues nope never. No this doesn't mean I think I'm intersex or have a genetic anomaly. Just had weird hormones during puberty. I digress, but hey  I'm writing this, and you could have stopped reading a while back. I didn't expect to write so much.  This to is unusual.

What's next? Well back home for awhile. Wife while not supportive is ok with my occasional girly trait. She does get upset if I sound like a girl. We've had the talk in a round about way a few years ago. In her words. While she's ok with other people's lifestyle, It's not her cup of tea. She asked if I wanted to change. I stared dumb struck and said nothing really. She made it clear divorce would be a certainty. Life went on. Right now I'm ok with not transitioning, but I will be going further out to sea. I want to try and be a better me at the very least. What form that takes I don't know. Remember earlier I said I found a PCP. I've decided to give HRT a try. I have my first HRT appointment in 10 days. My plan is to go the low dose route. I know the risks, but will give it a try. I'm ok with the side effects. I've lived with the most noticeable ones practically all my life. Next week I think I'll go out again. This time to a support group. Wish me luck. I'm going back over to my wall now.

@Jaime320 
Dear Jaime320:
I see that you are new here and I am most pleased that you have decided to join the site officially.
Thank you for writing your detailed and interesting posting.... other members will be along to offer thier thoughts and comments in response to your concerns and questions.

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

@Jaime320
Oh, and another thing Jaime320
Please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write a much briefer introduction post about yourself so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

well done on being so brave.

Wow, Jaime, that was quite a first night out.  Makeover, driving about, dinner and drinks!  You might be catching on that very few ever notice strangers.  We're just part of the background scenery, as they check their phones, or try to cross the street without tripping, or worry about that big business meeting.

I was much more comfortable while out and about once I realized that very few people are playing "Spot The Transwoman."  Almost everyone out in the world is focused on just getting through their day.  If we look confident and aware, we pass that much better!  Nobody challenges a confident person, someone who behaves like they belong in that space.  Only when we look timid or furtive, weak in some way, do we draw the attention of those who prey on the weak.  Confidence, Jaime!  If you don't have it, fake it!

Congratulations on finding that support group.  Those can be absolutely wonderful places.  I hope it helps you.

@Nym

Thanks

@Michelle_P

I've found myself playing the spotting game a lot over the years. I guess we're just more aware. Even though you worked for a taxi service. I still find many relatable things in your story. I guess I was an overachiever also. I have 4 NAMs.

Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thanks for sharing your big adventure with us, you probably gave some other lurker the confidence to take their own first steps. 

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Jaime, I will never forget my "first makeover" and going out—but mine was a guided experience with Angel at the Emerald Fantasy in Seattle. You mention your first makeover, but didn't tell us about it. Did you go for a makeover or make yourself up in your hotel room? I think many t-girls experiment on business trips. Too bad you were traveling with colleagues or you would have had more freedom in your own hotel. BTW, welcome to the forum. Post often. You will get more out of participating. Nancy

Hello Jaime320

Welcome to Susans and congratulations on your wonderful adventure.

I wish you good luck with your PCP and if you wish on starting HRT.

Hugs

Pamela

Thanks Devlyn & Pamela.

Had another few first this week. My first social outing. i haven't had so much fun in a long time. Nice dinner, drinks, and conversation. No weird looks or comments walking to bar. It was nice being out. Getting back to hotel was uneventful and a lot less stressful walking in.

I plan to attend another social event at a pub next week as well.

BTW where does electrolysis/laser fall on pain scale vs epilating. 

Hello again

I have both. Laser on back, nipples, abdomen and face and of course it only picks up dark hairs and is painless. Electrolysis on face on different days to Laser for the majority of my facial hair which is light/gray and sometimes it has been painful but I can take it for one hour maximum. I use Aloevera cream and have not yet needed painkillers.

Hugs

Pamela

Jamie - you rock! Well done in taking those timid first steps. It's just like learning to ride a bike really; scary as hell until you just do it, make a few mistakes & one day it just all comes together. Still on the early stage journey myself, so I know how daunting this all is. More power to you ;-) xoxo