Hi gals, Jessica here
So, it's getting more and more difficult to live with the ugly and miserable junk that had to grow on me. It's funny because everything else work perfectly well..I'm pretty enough, my voice sound okay, I have wide hips naturally, it all fits awesomely well. But the piece of hell I have for genitals is making life perhaps more difficult than it should be.
It causes lot of different conflicts which creates a massive internal war in my head, driving me crazy. It's not just tucking. I mean, I just can't wait to never have to tuck again. It just sucks the energy out of me, having to constantly worry about that useless organ every single second of my waking life. It serves absolutely no purpose at all, it just gets in the way of everything, it's so infuriating when I'm trying to do something and it slips, falls to the side of my panties or starts hurting badly. That much makes life a little miserable you know, specially when you consider the psychological aspect of it all.
But now, one of the main problems that Mr. Hell On Earth causes is to disrupt my sexuality. It always caused a train load of problems, but now it's unbearable. You see, I pass very well indeed, which is something very good, specially for when I go to Thailand and tell the doc "sink that medical knife of yours into it and have no mercy on it". But the fact is, when I meet a man, he will expect me to have a pussy, simple as that. And when I tell him that I'm handicapped, they all back out. It's so hard to find a man who'll go out with me that I could well say that it's damn near impossible. I'm not even saying I don't get masculine attention, I get a heck of a LOT of attention from guys, sometimes it's even too much. But...when they find out about my unfortunate misery, it's all over before it even had a chance to begin.
But. while my genitals are as dysfunctional as it can get, my sexuality is not. It works just fine, you know. Just fine. And to top it off, my sexual desire and libido are...well...through the roof. The question is, how can I live like this? On one side, my estrogen is telling me that I'm a woman and that I must get laid, that I absolutely need to be with men but on the other side reality tells me that I have a penis and that stops me from being sexually active. What I'm saying is, I need a man, just like any other woman does. The lack of being with someone and having that manly touch in my life is just overwhelmingly terrorizing. I think everybody absolutely needs that in their life, but most people never realize the importance of it because they never lack that. i'm just so starved of love, affection and sex that it's seriously making my existence complicated.
I just don't know how to deal with this and still have to get a job and save money for the surgery. Sometimes it just overloads me. I'm not saying the surgery will be somewhat magical, no. What I'm saying is that it's the only way out of this situation. You know, I can't even begin to imagine living like this, having to worry about tucking every moment of my life forever. That's just not living. That's why I don't blame trans girls who commit suicide, truly, this isn't for everybody to take. I'm not saying I wanna kill myself though, I just hope that Mr. Hell on Earth will meet its doom sooner rather than later.
Thanks so much for reading my post.
