Suicide has always felt like an inevitability to me. Sure, I won't do it today or a week from now, but I always just knew that it will happen someday. In my mind, I've always said I'm going to kill myself before I turn 30. By that time, I feel like life will have passed me by and nothing fun or interesting happens after that point anyway. I've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition. So, what can you do to want to wake up in the morning? The only interest I've ever had in life is playing videogames, because that's an /escape/ from real life. What do people see here that makes them want to stick around?

Adulthood holds no interest to me whatsoever. My teen years sucked, and were spent in complete isolation. Those are supposedly "the best years of your life", so  by comparison, I can only imagine what complete hell awaits in adulthood. Further, I've never had a job despite being 24, and am completely socially inept due to a lifetime of hermitry, so I have no idea how I would survive in the real world, not even factoring in being trans.

Lately I've been trying to think of convincing arguments for not committing suicide, and the only one I can really think of is the remote possibility that a "hell" is real. The other is that I might botch the suicide, but I'm smart enough to know to aim for the brainstem/reptilian brain and not the neo cortex like I hear of some fools doing.

Think about it more like about some kind of plan B in case life becomes more difficult than you can endure. Death is dead end while life give you chances to find something

@Madison2002
Dear Madison:
Back at the end of August when you first became a member of Susan's Place and the Forums you were sharing your difficulties with your Endo and getting HRT started and in your subsequent posts it appears that problem was solved and you have made other postings regarding various subjects.

It is obvious from your last posting here that you are having difficulties with getting your head around your transition and what it will mean for your life going forward.

I would suggest that if you are not frequently and regularly seeing a therapist that you get on the phone and make an appointment ASAP.   You mentioned a lot of issues going on in your life that need to be explored and eventually solved. 

I trust that you will report back with your plans and your current situation...  everyone here wants you to be successful in your ability to cope with life events.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Wishing you the best, and looking forward to your next postings.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 23, 2018, 03:29:29 PM
@Madison2002
Dear Madison:
Back at the end of August when you first became a member of Susan's Place and the Forums you were sharing your difficulties with your Endo and getting HRT started and in your subsequent posts it appears that problem was solved and you have made other postings regarding various subjects.

It is obvious from your last posting here that you are having difficulties with getting your head around your transition and what it will mean for your life going forward.

I would suggest that if you are not frequently and regularly seeing a therapist that you get on the phone and make an appointment ASAP.   You mentioned a lot of issues going on in your life that need to be explored and eventually solved. 

I trust that you will report back with your plans and your current situation...  everyone here wants you to be successful in your ability to cope with life events.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Wishing you the best, and looking forward to your next postings.
Danielle

I already have a therapist and see her every two weeks. Her usual advice is to join a trans support group and talk to other trans people. So I join this forum and they say to go see a therapist, lol...

I don't know, I don't feel like therapy has ever helped me. I can't even really fathom how it's supposed to help. Mindfulness meditation helps me get out of my head for a while, but it's only a temporary fix, just like videogames or other escapism.

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 23, 2018, 03:59:34 PM

I already have a therapist and see her every two weeks. Her usual advice is to join a trans support group and talk to other trans people. So I join this forum and they say to go see a therapist, lol...

I don't know, I don't feel like therapy has ever helped me. I can't even really fathom how it's supposed to help. Mindfulness meditation helps me get out of my head for a while, but it's only a temporary fix, just like videogames or other escapism.

@Madison2002
Dear Madison: 
Here on the forums we are not, nor do we pretend to be professional therapists, all we can talk about here are our own experiences and what we know about others experiences with handling the sometimes difficult emotions that go along with transitioning.

Your therapist is correct about joining a trans-support group and most likely your therapist wanted to join a group in a real life setting where you can have personal one on one contact with others that can identify with your life issues.
If you are still struggling, perhaps additional and more immediate appointments with your therapist may be in order....

.....or possibly a different therapist might be able to offer more help to you.

Thank you for your reply, please keep us all updated.
We are you biggest fans...
Hugs,
Danielle

Madison   Regular therapy is not Gender Therapy. I've been to so many mindfulness seminars I now feel I could give them. Mindfulness is not the answer. For stress maybe. For gender confusion and answers no. I am in two support groups. One in Seattle and one in Tacoma. It is nice to be with people who have something in common. I am in two online groups. Since coming out all the stress of keeping secrets has disappeared. Spending time with people like myself give me a purpose. I know that video games help pass the time. Heck my son told me when he was seven that Nintendo was his life. It was for awhile as he worked there about a year. But you have to find something else that peeks your interest. Get out of the house and explorer the world. You will feel better. Take it from someone who has learned.

Madison,

I'm not sure what to tell you but I would just like to encourage you to stop considering suicide as a possibility at all. Death is complete and total. There is no coming back and it is the end. If you believe in Heaven and Hell then suicide leads to the worst possible end. If you only believe that there is a continual loop then perhaps your destiny leads to a more difficult path based on that choice to not fully live your life this time around. I can't say for certain. What I do know is that life is only yours on this plane for a relatively short time. You should do all that you can to explore and experience it to your best ability.

I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful woman that I feel was my soulmate. She is struggling with my coming out but even with that strain in our relationship the moments we have already shared can never be taken away from me. That experience alone that I have been able to live for the past 18 years was worth the ride even if I never get to know that special kind of love again.

Your soulmate might be a man or a woman. Whatever you are attracted to could be yours if you give life the opportunity to open the doors for you to walk through. I believe if you keep trying to experience everything that life can hand to you that you will find what you are looking for.

I have had many challenges thrown in my path over my lifetime. I am blind in one eye because of a rare disorder that was caused because my other eye was damaged in an accident. I wasn't able to drive until my 30s. I never had a physical relationship until I met my wife, who I had to meet online before there was even online dating. She was from Ohio and I was in California. I am terrified of flying but I bought that ticket to meet her and now I have 20 years of joyous memories that I will cherish until the day that I die. Now I have this realization of being transgender and a whole new challenge has entered my life. Society is against me, many of the people I call friends will most likely reject me, my wife does not want to have a physical relationship any longer, but she loves me and does not want to leave. You have to adapt to life to find joy.

Read some of the threads here about positive attitudes. Look at some of the wonderful success stories for people who transition late in life. There are many reasons to believe there is hope for the future. Don't let the current leadership in the US discourage you from the joy that you deserve to find in life. I would love to get to know you and share all of your future joys with you. That will never happen if you decide to make an early exit from life. I would love for us to be sisters together in the brighter future that we can share as transwomen. There is always hope. The only way that there is no hope if is you choose to end your life. Death is not hope it is simply the end of life. My prayers are out there for you sweetheart. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

I am certainly not a mental health professional but it sounds like you may have more than just trans issues going on.  It's possible anti-depressants may be appropriate for you.  By all means sound your therapist out on that.  I am one of the  most seriously ->-bleeped-<-ed-up people on the planet.  My life is a train wreck. But even so, there is recompense for the pain, laughter, unexpected bursts of sunlight chasing away the darkness. Do not be in a hurry to die.  You will soon enough naturally, and in my opinion, it is eternal.  You may not think so, but you bring something unique and beautiful to the world that no one else does. At 24, you have so, so many roads you can go down.  Work with your therapist.  Don't be afraid to try someone else if it's not helping.  Best of luck. 

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 23, 2018, 02:56:23 PM
What do people see here that makes them want to stick around?

I would say other people, i.e. friends, family, the connections we make, caring about others.  There was a famous writer who survived the Nazi concentration camps who wrestled with this very question.  Elie Weisel.  He won the Nobel Prize among a bunch of other awards.  I read a book of his that that dealt with this question once and can't remember the name, but he said what he saw repeated over and over again in the concentration camps was that people who survived had someone that they cared about and wanted to help, a wife, a sibling, a child, a friend.   It was the caring they had for the other person that gave them the strength to endure and survive.  My suggestion is to get some help (therapy) with a goal of becoming a more social person.  If people aren't your thing consider volunteering at a local animal shelter.   Getting outside of ourselves  is the best thing for us when we are suffering depression.

My Dear Madison2002
You are so young and life is so full of great surprises.  I am over 70 years old, and I am in transition now!  I was born as some kind of intersex person, not really a male, but not really a female either.  Somebody decided for me to be a male.  I grew up during a time in which society accepted only males or females, and sometimes there were people like I shown in traveling Karneval shows.
I had to struggle, but I still enjoyed my life, because I was looking for the fun things, and there were a lot of them.  Sex is great, but one can live without it and still have a great and fun life!  I had no sex until I was about 36 years old, and I met my wife.  Boy did we have a great sex life after that. 
You are not even old enough to that life had a chance to make you happy, as it made me happy, maybe your great partner is just waiting around the corner, hoping to be found by you!

Just try it, be positive, see the flowers (and don't forget to smell them), and be positive.  As I said, I was always that weirdo, not really male or female, but you can use your difference as a positive element.  Positive and happy people have a much easier time to find partners. 
Try it, I'll bet you will love it!

I have struggled with thoughts much the same through the course of my life.  And ever constant was the fact that after the dark there is light.  Even if the dark returns.  The only thing you can count on is things change.  How will you know what happiness is right around the corner if you don't stick around to see it?

You are the arbitrator of your own thoughts.  The fact you posted here tells me you want to keep trying.  So try.  If therapy isn't working with your current provider maybe find one with whom you can better connect?  And then open up.  Therapy only helps if your willing to be as open with them as you are with nothing but your own thoughts, late at night, when you can't sleep.  If you ever cry to yourself then you'll know if therapy is working when you cry while in session.

I'm sending hugs your way, right now Madison!  I hope you can feel them.  <3

Thanks for the uplifting perspectives everyone. Someone mentioned antidepressants and I was indeed prescribed them a few weeks ago. Before that I took antianxiety pills for several years. None of these things has really made me feel any different, and I don't really think the depression has any basis in chemical imbalance anyway.

A lot of you mentioned changing therapists. I've had the thought myself, honestly. She has had about 4 trans patients in the past but she's not really a specialist. She's more of a counselor I think, and mine was the first hrt recommendation letter she's ever written. I live in a rural area and I would have to drive a long ways to find a specialist, probably.

Again, thanks for your responses. I'm feeling better at the moment.

Hi, going to real trans groups is very different than an on-line forum. I have made some great friends at group. I have seen and learned so much from others I could not possibly put it all down. I had friends die from suicide, drugs and not having the ability to cope.

Get into community and experience life. It is a wild ride. Starting out is scary. Express your fear at group and ask how they get through it. Make friends and say yes to offers. Be a friend and do things out of your comfort zone.

Lots of people do not have a job and there are ways to survive.

I have learned so much about myself. I am not going to get into my life's story about abuse and suicidal ideation and attempts. I will tell you that over the past 23 months I have lost all suicidal ideation and really love my life. I never thought I would say that.

In my case, my inner self was crying to live but the fear I had was stopping me. I cloaked it in many excuses. Transition is hard but you can do it. The power of one may help you. Just change one thought, behavior, excuse, road block a day. I realize I was the reason I did not transition and I had all sorts of reasons and road blocks. Subconsciously at first but then consciously I took down every issue. it is a long hard road to self discovery a self actualization.

I am me. Three words and a lifetime to achieve.

This is a feeling I have had many times in my life and still have at times. For me, it comes from not feeling like I belong or am fully integrated with the people around me. I have a family including children, an amazing career, two partners and lots to live for, but alas I still feel it more than I would like to admit. I've traveled the entire world and seen so many things and I can't shake it.

It is hard to defeat brain chemistry that is the result of illness, conditioning and our own minds. It is really hard at times. But, it can get better and it can result in a life that is reasonably content and challenges you.

Professional help has been the key as has my connections to other people. An in-person support group could be key for you. My friends have been this to me As stated above this is what people live for, not the threat of a bad afterlife. For the life that is here right now. People are out there for you and sometimes it is easier than you think to lean on them. It takes a village as they say and we are all here because of the people around us.

So I'd get help. I'd connect with people until they are tired of seeing my face, I'd make sure my body and health is as good as it can be. Also, I can assure you there is plenty of life and wonderful things after 30. Do I know if these things will keep you or I from an early death? Nope, but it is worth the effort to try.

Do you have a pet/pets? i found that helps
srri's can take weeks to kick in
maybe the further you get into hrt the better you will feel
do you hang out with your trans tribe?
i do understand about those dark thoughts they were a companion for so long ... they still come but very rarely now.... and then its just a passing phase...
hanging out with people helps a lot.
Hang in there have a go before you quit😉
i wish you the best

Oh hon, what a question.

Talk with your therapist about the escaping behaviours, talk with them about these desires -a good therapist will engage with you, and these issues with you - if you don't feel that benefit, then maybe time to review your choice of therapist...

Depression or depressive symptoms can be produced by endocrine imbalance, serotonin imbalance, norepinephrine imbalance or dopamine imbalance, amongst many, many others. Currently our world is stabilised by ssri and dopamine regulators, and it took a good while to kick in. In reality, it was possibly that the dose was a little low, and this we probably should have brought up.

We have derealisation and depersonalisation forms of dissociation, and can totally relate to being aside from the general human species - we spend a lot of time worrying about how alien we are, and then hurt/depressed when we cannot express how we feel or want to be perceived. Lots of the time we spend feeling like the freak at the circus, in a box that is sound proof, so they cannot hear our screaming. It is during that time when our desire to stop it all, starts clamouring for our attention.

We can promise that when your medication is better matched to you, the desire to stop will become less powerful, from a driven desire to a more natural occasional passing thought, easily dismissed, but to get to that point needs courage to talk frankly with your GP and Therapist.

Most importantly, we are here to listen, and talk with.

Rowan

I think your therapist is right about finding a support group.  She means one in real life, not an online one.

You don't live in real life.  And that, I think, is the problem.  You need to get out there.  Anywhere but in your head or on your computer.

I don't know anyone who believes that the teen years are the best years of one's live.  Mine royally sucked!  My 20s were better.  My 30s were so-so.  My 40s and 50s were mostly good, aside from growing dysphoria.  My 60s are shaping up to be awesome.

You just have to get out there and do some living.

Can someone describe what exactly happens at a support group? Will there be attention directed toward me that will make me feel uncomfortable? Right now I'm only comfortable being seen in 'boymode', because I'm early on in hormones, and my makeup skills are laughable. Will they find it weird that im showing up in boymode, or think that I'm not making any effort etc?

I am 45, the suicide thoughts i have had before. And video games are my escape as well, my therapist is been a great help to me. I have only been on hormones for 10 months there are changes that is hard to say hide in boy mode. But i still wear boy mode or tomboy mode at work i deal with a lot of people across the country, it bugs me i cant quite be me. But i set goals to reach surgery is one, i try to see the future. Moreover i dont wear make up yet my late mother did not wear makeup. So its ok to me, the hard thing in life is to pretend to be someone else, the hardest thing is to live life yourself and free, but its worth it. Life as a transgender individual is  the hardest road i have ever been on i have done many miles. Even thou i know there will be rough times, and many days being alone and feelings of loneliness, they do pass its and up and down road,  people like us are beautiful people in and out, if life was easy it would be boring and no beauty. Even thou i have fought depression suicide over the years. I would do it all over again because i love myself andi except i am transgender, and i see how much beauty and love i have inside. Even thou process is slow. I see my goals,
Find you a good therapist and open up, thats what i had to do.

Most support groups I've ever been to don't care how you dress or present.  During check in at the beginning of the meeting you give your preferred name and pronouns and other people use them.  As far as having attention on you, that depends on the group.  But most groups let you share as much or as little as you want.

If estrogen isn't curing your depression, talk to your therapist about that.  In my case, estrogen only partially stopped the panic attacks.  It took presenting and socializing as a woman to do the rest.

So work on your presentation.  If your makeup skills leave something to be desired, find someone to teach you, watch YouTube videos, practice, practice, practice. You don't win video games without working to unlock achievements, playing sections over and over, getting help from other players, watching walk throughs on YouTube.

And don't be afraid to fail.  My back room is full of fashion boo boos.

What makes me want to get up in the morning?  I'm 56. I've seen enough friends die without living out the lives they wanted, to know that any day I wake up in the morning is a good one.  But when I was 24?  That was 1986 or so.  Transitioning was pretty much an impossibility.  Imagine knowing you are different, the only place you've ever seen a transgender woman is on a TV documentary or in a sleazy porn magazine (no internet back then) and you want to transition but you have no idea if you are trans and no way to get therapy or hormones.

The only way to even get close to anything feminine back then was to date women.  To do that I needed a cool car and money.  So I worked at whatever job I could find and beg for.  I've been working continuously since I was 15 except for 6 weeks unemployed in the summer of 1983 and a 3 week vacation in 2008.

Now I'm a trial lawyer, one of a very very few transgender attorneys in Los Angeles, California.  And when I walk into a courtroom, I own it.  Because I know every move I make reflects on the transgender community.  Part of my job is to try to make the world a safer place for younger folks coming up.  I do that by example, by showing folks who have never met an out transgender person before that we are good responsible people who work hard for the welfare of others.

And that's why I get up in the morning.