I have not posted anything in a very long time. A lot has happened very positive for me in the last 3 years .. coming out as Kath, facial surgery, breast implants and GCS with Dr McGinn in Sept.

I came out at work in December of 2016. My reveal had been in the works for months with my manager, human resources and Cyra (not her real name), my mentor and guide. I was very stressed that cold winter morning, feeling self conscious about my appearance and my voice. I arrived an hour or two late and Cyra came out to my car and took me over to the badging office to get a badge with the correct name.
Then we went to my building. Everyone was very nice and I tried to get comfortable and to work up the courage to go use the women's room.

It was only 7 months earlier that I had told Cyra about myself .. How I was transgender. She was very  understanding and supportive. In the months ahead, I would even say she pushed me during my transition when I seem to need a push. She helped me with my cloths and appearance.
She was the obvious choice to come out to first, since we were close friends and I believed I could trust her.

Fairly quickly, after I came out at work, our relationship began to deteriorate. She started becoming hostile, mean and super critical of every aspect of my work (how I was doing my job). At first I did not understand because she had never in all the years I had known her treated me this way. I was very hurt and upset, I lashed out and we did clash in a big way. I apologized for my behavior (she did not) but that did not seem to matter.

There was an event early on which was a key to understanding why she was no longer my mentor but my advisary. I was in her cubicle and she was lamenting about how she did not know how she could do her job .. how she was not competent enough. I said at the time, that she was very good at her job but she just dismissed this. I did not realize the significance of what happened that day but later I began to realize what it was all about (wish I could have figured it out earlier .. may have helped things from getting so bad).

From there, she developed a chip on her shoulder the size of a mountain which was spewing hot lava mostly at me but also at others. Before I came out, I was sort of her goto technical guy. Once I was Kath there was no way I could  be her goto technical gal. I believe she had to purge me, get rid of me because I was a threat and somehow exposed the fact that she was not a very technical person working in an IT type job. Sadly, she is very good at what she does and there's no reason she should have all of this insecurity.

Recently, her attacks have become very personal, instead of just work related. She came into my cubicle and told me my voice is fake and it makes her cringe. She says I wear inappropriate cloths that no 60 year old woman should wear... that show cleavage or show my under cloths. I am not aware of wearing cloths like this and talking to people I know they say my cloths are just fine. She says I have a bitch face and that since I was raised male and have male genes I do things that no woman would ever do?  The last thing she said before she left is that she could destroy me. I did not know whether this meant socially or professionally or both.

My work life has become a nightmare. I dread going to work with all my heart and soul. I really need my job  ..  my family needs my paychecks and benefits. I have talked to HR and my manager but have not given any details about who is involved or anything about specific events. I fear things will only get worse if I do.

My advise to others thinking about coming out at work, is to be very careful about who you choose as your trusted confidant.

Quote from: kathb31 on October 26, 2018, 01:07:32 PM
I have not posted anything in a very long time. A lot has happened very positive for me in the last 3 years .. coming out as Kath, facial surgery, breast implants and GCS with Dr McGinn in Sept.

I came out at work in December of 2016. My reveal had been in the works for months with my manager, human resources and Cyra (not her real name), my mentor and guide. I was very stressed that cold winter morning, feeling self conscious about my appearance and my voice. I arrived an hour or two late and Cyra came out to my car and took me over to the badging office to get a badge with the correct name.
Then we went to my building. Everyone was very nice and I tried to get comfortable and to work up the courage to go use the women's room.

It was only 7 months earlier that I had told Cyra about myself .. How I was transgender. She was very  understanding and supportive. In the months ahead, I would even say she pushed me during my transition when I seem to need a push. She helped me with my cloths and appearance.
She was the obvious choice to come out to first, since we were close friends and I believed I could trust her.

Fairly quickly, after I came out at work, our relationship began to deteriorate. She started becoming hostile, mean and super critical of every aspect of my work (how I was doing my job). At first I did not understand because she had never in all the years I had known her treated me this way. I was very hurt and upset, I lashed out and we did clash in a big way. I apologized for my behavior (she did not) but that did not seem to matter.

There was an event early on which was a key to understanding why she was no longer my mentor but my advisary. I was in her cubicle and she was lamenting about how she did not know how she could do her job .. how she was not competent enough. I said at the time, that she was very good at her job but she just dismissed this. I did not realize the significance of what happened that day but later I began to realize what it was all about (wish I could have figured it out earlier .. may have helped things from getting so bad).

From there, she developed a chip on her shoulder the size of a mountain which was spewing hot lava mostly at me but also at others. Before I came out, I was sort of her goto technical guy. Once I was Kath there was no way I could  be her goto technical gal. I believe she had to purge me, get rid of me because I was a threat and somehow exposed the fact that she was not a very technical person working in an IT type job. Sadly, she is very good at what she does and there's no reason she should have all of this insecurity.

Recently, her attacks have become very personal, instead of just work related. She came into my cubicle and told me my voice is fake and it makes her cringe. She says I wear inappropriate cloths that no 60 year old woman should wear... that show cleavage or show my under cloths. I am not aware of wearing cloths like this and talking to people I know they say my cloths are just fine. She says I have a bitch face and that since I was raised male and have male genes I do things that no woman would ever do?  The last thing she said before she left is that she could destroy me. I did not know whether this meant socially or professionally or both.

My work life has become a nightmare. I dread going to work with all my heart and soul. I really need my job  ..  my family needs my paychecks and benefits. I have talked to HR and my manager but have not given any details about who is involved or anything about specific events. I fear things will only get worse if I do.

My advise to others thinking about coming out at work, is to be very careful about who you choose as your trusted confidant.

First of all I would like to apologize that you have to go through that that seems absolutely horrendous I curious I know she's a friend but I see only two options to really help you the first one would be try and talk to her and see what is going on cuz it does not seem like the same person at the end that you described in the beginning she seems like she's really a great person but something is setting her off about you the second choice the most severe one but that would also be proper is to talk to HR this sounds like this could turn into a serious issue and other than changing shift so you don't have to actually be with her that's the only thing I can think of that could help you. I do hope that you manage to get this fixed nobody should have to go through that as far as when I actually start working and I do come out I dare somebody to try to treat me like that cuz I will retaliate but I'm a bitch that's what I do

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@kathb31
Dear Katherine:
I am so very sorry to hear of your work related stress... and you are correct about when you "come-out" at work that you have to be very careful about who you choose as your trusted confidant.   

Your story is not unique... as you described it,  Cyra who was once very supportive of you and was you mentor and promoter all of a sudden became critical of you and your work and eventually and sadly became your adversary.   In my experience this can happen perhaps because of jealousy or some work related reason.

You did the right thing reporting this situation to HR and your manager... but I think that you really must mention names so management can take appropriate action on your behalf.   Perhaps a transfer or work related change or something that will make your life easier and possibly end up with some kind of reprimand for Cyra's actions....   let the chips fall where they may, you do not deserve the treatment that you are getting from a co-worker.

Please keep us updated here.   We are your biggest fans, we are rooting for you.
Hugs and hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Arianna, thank you for your advise. I have told myself that if she does more personal attacks that
I will go to HR. She has warned me that she is no snitch and no one should be a snitch (like something out of junior high),
so I am worried about retaliation.

Quote from: kathb31 on October 26, 2018, 01:30:32 PM
Arianna, thank you for your advise. I have told myself that if she does more personal attacks that
I will go to HR. She has warned me that she is no snitch and no one should be a snitch (like something out of junior high),
so I am worried about retaliation.

Maybe after you talk to HR if she happens to lose her job because of this which by the way it's her own fault it's not yours don't feel like it's your fault but if she happens to lose her job over this I would also get a protective order against her just to be safe and so that it's on record that this woman has threatened you in some way shape or form and you can be protected now that's just legal advice but I do so hope that this deescalates as quick as it escalated

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Danielle thank you for your kind words.
I have looked into a move to a different department or position
but so far nothing has worked out. I am also looking for other
jobs but it can be a little hard looking for work at my age.

Quote from: kathb31 on October 26, 2018, 02:03:04 PM
Danielle thank you for your kind words.
I have looked into a move to a different department or position
but so far nothing has worked out. I am also looking for other
jobs but it can be a little hard looking for work at my age.

I honestly really don't believe that you should have to change your job just because she's unhappy and from what you said not entirely competent and doing her job so maybe it's best to let HR handle her and whatever happens happens but from how you explained everything you see more than qualified for this job so you should be able to keep it

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Strangely enough I haven't wanted to get her in trouble or get her fired.
Someone commented that I was a little like a woman in an abusive relationship
who did not want to report on her abuser. I know I need to do something so
I think it will be going to HR and just see what happens from there.

Quote from: kathb31 on October 26, 2018, 02:51:18 PM
Strangely enough I haven't wanted to get her in trouble or get her fired.
Someone commented that I was a little like a woman in an abusive relationship
who did not want to report on her abuser. I know I need to do something so
I think it will be going to HR and just see what happens from there.

That really sounds like the best thing to do and if you ever need to talk and you don't feel like writing everything in the forms you can always private message me if you want

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Quote from: kathb31 on October 26, 2018, 01:30:32 PM
Arianna, thank you for your advise. I have told myself that if she does more personal attacks that
I will go to HR. She has warned me that she is no snitch and no one should be a snitch (like something out of junior high),
so I am worried about retaliation.

Kath,

I would go to HR immediately and make a formal complaint.  It only serves her to keep quiet about this - she is a bully - the more you keep quiet the more she will do this.

Sonja.

Hello Kath,

I am a Dr. McGinn girl too. Congratulations on your transition.

I am sorry on the work issue. I can relate but to a much less extent. There is a woman at work that was very supportive but as my transition came to fruition she became distant and eventually cold and somewhat rude. I feel like I lost a friend more and more as I became myself. I continue to say hello and make small talk but she is cold and distant.

Your situation is very difficult. Definitely take your time and write everything down. Names, dates places what was said and to whom. What did they say and anything else you can remember or have on you electronic devices. Make copies and have all the information in a safe place at home. Document all future conversations with everyone concerning the matter.

Sadly, HR's primary role is to protect the employer from legal issues and litigation. So, what do you see as a resolution? What is a win win for the organization? What is a win win for you and your co-worker? How can the situation be resolved? HR and Supervisors are over worked and look for expedient solutions.

I recommend all conversations with the co-worker be in public and on the record and only about work. Do not respond to insults and document document document.

You have come a long way and need to keep a calm and cool head. Unfortunately when people feel threatened, for whatever reason, they will do things ethical people could never think of. So be careful.

Sonja,
I have been on medical leave the past month and a half. When I return
in november and if things have not improved, then I plan on going to HR.
That's when things will get really crazy

Hi Rachel
Yes I really like dr McGinn, she's great. My surgery with her went very well and I've had only
one complication. I'm recovering now and will have to go back to work soon 

It sounds like you also experienced problems with someone at work. It only takes one person to make your life miserable.  Sadly she is my lead so can control the work that I'm allowed to do.

Your advise about writing everything down is so important. My partner and counselor told me the same thing, so I started making journal entries of all the major events I've had with Cyra in the last year and a half.

Once I realized why she was making the attacks against me, I then just started trying to stay calm and collected and not get upset and respond to it. I have a very strong ally named Rick who sits right across from me and who has sent me some wonderfully supportive emails. He has said he would back me if I went to management or HR.

I'm hoping for the best when I return to work next month, but if things turn ugly I think I'll take action.

You have a better idea than I do if this will work but there is a possible solution to this. You could write a letter to her where you describe all the good things that she has done to aid you. Possibly include how she has aided her in your work, the fear you had in transitioning and how she helped you to overcome it and how she has made her impact on the department. She has fear or jealously toward you so if she realizes that you not a threat to her but still respect and appreciate her, she might reconsider her view of you.

You might also consider running this idea past your therapist for additional input.

Thanks Dina
This is a good idea and I have considered it but I think the situation may have become to toxic. She has compared me to her ex-husband, who when he died, she danced for joy in the hallway.
She also compared me to a former employee who she despised and who she would flip-off whenever he walked by. Any recent attempts we've had at a heart-to-heart conversation seem always to end in her telling me all the reasons why I'm such a bad person.

It's sad to say, but I believe a letter will make things worse with her.

From the sounds of it, she liked having you as a pet project.  You relied on her.  You needed her.  It gave her something to work on and to also be the go to person for a change (as you said she came to you for work related help...).

Then she completed her project and you came out.  Now you don't need her as much if at all and she feels hurt/betrayed because you did so well.  I am guessing that even a small part of her was hoping you'd fail a little so that you would still rely on her.  But you didn't/don't and now the work dynamics are back to her needing you. 

Sending her a letter or trying to make things better will only remind her of how successful you turned out, which will make her more angry.  This is all on her and not you.  You have succeed beyond what she had hoped and she can't handle that.  Her issue...

Hi,

I agree with Sonja, bullies don't stop until someone takes action.  I think your post is a perfect example of why transgendered people need workplace protections.  You probably feel quite powerless as you fear losing your job and you come across as someone who really hates conflict (me too!).  However, this woman is likely not going to stop.  More importantly, the fact that you are a trans woman is the reason this woman is bullying you in the first place.  In some states, the law (or company policy) may be on your side and is another reason not to let her continue to get away with her abusive behavior.  I know how scary this must be, but just remember that you are beautiful and perfect the way you are and this woman clearly has some mental health issues that she is putting onto you as a target.  Stay strong, avoid contact as much as possible, but try not to let her see it is bothering you, bullies feed on that and she will come on stronger.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  No one should have to experience this in the workplace, we spend half our lives there.  Stay strong!

Warmly,

Billie

Sorry to hear that.

Some states have gender identity laws.

https://www.ctemploymentlawblog.com/tag/gender-identity/
There is also a federal court case that ruled favorably for NY, CT and VT.

My workplace is split, in that there are outed gay couples who have brought their kids to company functions, but a lot of our customers do have big issues with gender equality.  Fortunately they are "kept at a distance" by electronic communication.

You should keep in mind that it is much easier to get a job if you still have one.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but it is absolutely insane that we live in a time with so many advancements in technology medicine communication all of this stuff and everybody insist on discriminating against a person's happiness and mental health I do not know what is going to be in the next 40 or 50 years I only pray that I'm not around to see it because it does not look like it's going down are good road right now

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I don't really see this as a gender identity discrimination issue per se; most large employers have pretty strong anti-harassment, anti-bullying, anti-intimidation and anti-retaliation policies. You know your employer better than any of us, so as others said, if your HR is trustworthy, you should report it. They will do an investigation and decide what to do about it. Their goal at the end of the day is to not get sued by either of you, so if you are being bullied or harassed or threatened and nothing is done about it, they are at risk of you suing them. The fact that you are transgender is secondary to all of that; what you described sounds more like jealous coworker harassment than specifically because you transitioned.