Hi everyone. The rest of the world still knows me as Mike. I'm 45, I live in Pennsylvania. It's only in the past week or so that I've started contemplating a MTF transition.
I grew up in a very traditional household. I was never particularly athletic or a "guy's guy". I tended to like things more traditionally feminine, but got picked on a bullied a lot for "being a ->-bleeped-<-". So, ironically, I stayed away from those likes. I was also attracted to girls at the time, so ... not being sure of my own identity (although I don't even know if I could even think about such things in those terms just then) made things confusing.
I've muddled my way through a traditional identity so far, even if it's never felt quite right. I'm married to a woman who I love very, very much. We have a great seven-year-old daughter. In terms of my family life, things are great. In terms of myself, not so much. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I'm fine. I'm not, really.
I work in the HR department of a large company as a data analyst – somewhat ironically, diversity & inclusion is one of my main project areas. It's been this work over the past few years that's opened my eyes to the transgender community, and what other transgender people go through in their lives. It's been eye-opening for me in many ways.
I'm reasonably sure that if I came out, my marriage is done. I could be wrong and pleasantly surprised by a different outcome, but I don't think so. I think she would be supportive – eventually, and we'd be able to parent our daughter together, but it would otherwise end our relationship. And I really worry how my daughter would deal with it – not so much my change, but having her mommy and daddy separate. (This also doesn't include how the rest of my family would deal with it – I suspect my older sister would be great, my parents not so much).
So, it's there. A lot changes if I make a first step. And I don't know if I want all that change.
I don't how much more I can look in the mirror every morning and look at something that seems more and more like a lie, either.
The past few months, I've started crossdressing. At home, when no one's around. I haven't been able to bring myself to go out in public just yet. (I've also had terrible self-image and self-esteem issues, which doesn't help.) I feel right when I do this at home, though. It feels like such a step in the right direction, like I'm finally getting closer to being who I'm really am. And it's why the idea of actually transitioning doesn't seem crazy to me anymore.
Anyway, this is me, as of now. I'm planning on seeking some counseling to figure out my next steps. I'll write them here when I figure out what they are.
