Weren't but can no longer hide it? Some days when I'm not doing so well, and I have to go out in public I try to dress like a guy because of anxiety issues, not from being trans I don't think but something I get really bad (a pre existing condition before trans days see therapist and take meds for). But I have been on hormones now for 10 months 7 or 8 at full dose and people say I look like a girl or I have a girls face, or look feminine.

Its almost funny but it isn't. I wanted this so bad a few months ago and wish hormones worked faster but now I wish I could totally hide being trans under baggy clothes. Back then I dressed over the top fem with lots of make up. Now my hair is longer but at least two doctors have said they can see my face is different and looks fem. and I can't put my face under baggy clothes like my chest or body.

Maybe its a phase? This whole journey is exactly not what I expected. Even if I wanted to not transition the estrogen is the only thing that treats my depression. So I almost have to take it to feel sort of normal. 

Certainly there were years when I didn't want to be trans.  But I am and I quit fighting it.

It is not lear from your post whether you want to transition or not.  If not, then I can certainly see what hiding the feminizattion of your features would be difficult. 

If you do intend to transition, then what is stopping you?  It sounds like your body is ready.

Yes, I feel this way. I'm 13 months on hrt now and even though I was expecting and wanting changes, I don't know how I could have ever prepared for this. To be honest it freaks me out, so I understand why my family is so shocked in a way.

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Buyer's remorse is very common, even if it is something you really want. Transition is a big deal and conflicted thoughts are normal. Make sure you have a qualified therapist to talk with and I sympathize with your situation. Best wishes sweetie and keep us up to date. 

Quote from: Allison S on November 03, 2018, 06:52:19 PM
Yes, I feel this way. I'm 13 months on hrt now and even though I was expecting and wanting changes, I don't know how I could have ever prepared for this. To be honest it freaks me out, so I understand why my family is so shocked in a way.

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How are you dealing with this? I know it doesn't matter but I am curious, are you passible or do strangers call you she/ miss?

I get called she while wearing neutral clothes, this never happened before, and I feel awkward: I wouldn't ever dare use the woman's room while not wearing girls clothes but the men's room is getting awkward too. Maybe I will just wear diapers and pee in the bushes.


Even after I talk to people they still call me she and isn't until I have met someone for a few hours that knows I'm trans and we talked about it then sometimes they say he, but sometimes she. And they are not trying to just be PC or polite that's really how they see me. Before once I spoke then people would switch from she to he but still call me miss. Now they say miss and call me she. But not everyone so confusing. I know its all about what I think, not what they think but it really does matter to me.


Do I have any business in the men's room if I am dressed like a guy and it is uncomfortable for the other women? I don't think so, even though I feel awkward in the men's room all the time regardless, but use the men's room when not dressed in fem so I don't look like a pervert or what ever type of person intentionally uses the wrong bathroom who is cis.

I still want to be a girl I always have I just don't want to be trans I just want to be normal. I was sure I wanted SRS at one point, but even though my body is changing I still have issues and worry about looking or being a man with a vagina.

I'm sure that no matter how fem I become it will never be enough. I didn't expect my face to change at all certainly not this much. Every bit of me is different from the hormones from the way I think feel and even smell.

Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 03, 2018, 08:21:03 PM
How are you dealing with this? I know it doesn't matter but I am curious, are you passible or do strangers call you she/ miss?

I get called she while wearing neutral clothes, this never happened before, and I feel awkward: I wouldn't ever dare use the woman's room while not wearing girls clothes but the men's room is getting awkward too. Maybe I will just wear diapers and pee in the bushes.


Even after I talk to people they still call me she and isn't until I have met someone for a few hours that knows I'm trans and we talked about it then sometimes they say he, but sometimes she. And they are not trying to just be PC or polite that's really how they see me. Before once I spoke then people would switch from she to he but still call me miss. Now they say miss and call me she. But not everyone so confusing. I know its all about what I think, not what they think but it really does matter to me.


Do I have any business in the men's room if I am dressed like a guy and it is uncomfortable for the other women? I don't think so, even though I feel awkward in the men's room all the time regardless, but use the men's room when not dressed in fem so I don't look like a pervert or what ever type of person intentionally uses the wrong bathroom who is cis.

I still want to be a girl I always have I just don't want to be trans I just want to be normal. I was sure I wanted SRS at one point, but even though my body is changing I still have issues and worry about looking or being a man with a vagina.

I'm sure that no matter how fem I become it will never be enough. I didn't expect my face to change at all certainly not this much. Every bit of me is different from the hormones from the way I think feel and even smell.

Yes, I get gendered female by strangers. It's just I don't have my name and gender marker changed yet. I do like my changes, but deep down I generally mistrust people in my day to day. Some women can be very spiteful... Trust me. I was with a less passable trans woman and 2 women pitted a guy against us. We were humiliated in public and no one stepped in. Not even employees at the place we were eating at... So you see, I don't trust strangers and actually I tend to strategically avoid certain situations.

Right now what I need most is to feel comfortable in a workplace. I think I need them to know part of my situation for my own security, and sanity.

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Crap, I seriously hate posting here anymore. Nothing I say ever comes out right and no one really cares what I say anyway. I can't not care though no matter how pointless it is.

How many destinations are worth reaching if you never leave where you started? How do you you reach the summit of Everest if you never leave base camp? The end can only be reached by letting go of the beginning.

I don't know how you are feeling, there was nothing behind me when I reached where you are at. There was nothing behind me, nothing to let go. So I have no right to say the one thing that you should accept but, when you open some doors all the doors behind you close. I would not say this but from what you have said you really want this.

Let go.

Let go of what was, it has no bearing for anyone of what will be. We all take steps, consciously or otherwise, every one of those steps for everyone lead away from where we were, hormones and the effects are no more than a really big step.

Don't you feel happy at all in your results?

If you thought HRT was going to solve all your problems you might as well save your money and buy a magic wand. Hrt gave me boobs but not a vagina. It reduced my depression but not my height. I provides me with an avenue to being human and caring about things again. It is allowing me to mingle with people in a similar situation and realize we have more in common than I ever thought possible. I still have my penis but i don't have a sexual urge any longer. My hormone levels now support the feelings of being different I had all my life. I finally have some answers to lifetime questions that make sense to me and why I have always felt the way I do. Am I a woman? Perhaps, if I had transitioned at an early age if, the opportunity presented itself with all the surgeries and therapy. If I had lived as part of the community. Then I think, what I would not have. My career would have been a struggle. I worked enough retail jobs to  know it is something I never wanted to do again. I would not have a family to love and thus I would have nothing. Would love finally find me? Perhaps and since I do not know, I might have been satisfied being with a man. If I could find one that cares for me as much as my wife does. Those are things I can only speculate at this late stage.
I am happy and proud to be the person I am today. Instead of being in my shell I built around me. I just did the dishes. Something Donald would never do. I really don't mind doing the chores. As a dude it was beneath me. However I did nurture my children because I was compelled to, just like cross-dressing.
I can just imagine myself wearing a mini skirt, dancing to disco. As Donald. Rock and Roll was here to stay. My shoe fetish would still not be fulfilled. Years from now perhaps I could give birth and be as close to a real woman as humanly possible. But. for now I am happy and satisfied where and who I am. Everyone wants to leave their own mark on life.  I hope they can study my brain and discover how to make transition easier. I hope they can study my heart to eliminate heart disease. Study my body to eliminate diabetes and the attendant problems. If I can make one person feel better about themselves by reading my rant than yes, I want to be trans. It's who I am, Who I have always been and to ignore it would make my life amount to nothing. I am more than the sum of my parts.

These are all great replies and help a lot. I noticed not being in a trans group or never seeing a trans person other then the mirror I forget I'm not all alone and other are just like me.

The no sex drive will be a problem as I have no desire for a relationship, don't get me wrong I would love a husband but I don't desire sex. Come to think of it no sex... that's marriage! For normal people at least.


There's no drive to find a mate if there is no libido like before when I saw a girl I liked I had a very good reason to put energy and time into meeting her now people are just people. Its like looking at a picture of something nice but not breath taking scenes like I would see before.


I don't know how any trans women could have sex on hrt there is just 0 desire none at all. This surprises me. Feel like when I was 9 years old. I smell like when I was 9 too, no more "manly" smelling crotch parts. I wonder if the bacteria on my skin is different. I get skin infections some times and never got them before.