Hi, I'm Lisa and I'm 29 years old. Ever since I was 6 I knew who I was inside. I wanted to be a ballerina and a dancer like those in the music videos behind the main performer. Instead I asked mom for an electric train set that year. Railroads would eventually define me and my life. I had the kind of parents that just would not have any of it. I never fully trusted my parents. Specifically Dad. My mom was ok. But, Dad was a mean SOB and would beat the dog snot out of us for any reason he could come up with. I have a younger brother who admits he's not sure if he's gay or not. I also have an older sister that will have nothing to do with having a transgender sister. She's the eldest child and sadly for being higher educated is pretty closed minded.

Me and mom were close for years. I was her second child and favorite. I never fully understood why though? My brother and sister are many times smarter than me. I was just always fair to be around. Those two are completely different from me.

As I got older I got to the point of being mom's care taker. Mom suffered from degenerative arthritis and could not get around well. My lazy excuse for a dad would never help or volunteer to go shopping or nothing. Instead it would be me and mom that would get everything done. I decided to stay home and concentrate on taking care of my mother. My brother went to community college and dad would not get off his arse and find a job or even take out the garbage. Later on my brother took a job with a big box store and dad got his eviction notice. My role was to take care of mother and run the house and do the day to day tasks and take care of the dogs.

My mother always knew I was different and we had our differences and fights at times. Ever since I was little I was always feminine when by myself. I think she knew this too. At times I have said things like "I'm a girl" or " I feel like a girl" or I wish I was born a girl" At one point we had even discussed having a sex change done when I was a teenager. I still don't know what brought that discussion up one night. I have over the years many times mentioned my desire to be a ballerina and dancer and mom was well aware of my attempts to get on the cheerleading squad. Having been called to the school twice to catch hell from our favorite witch of a principle. 

I really made up my mind in 2015 to transition to female. I finally came to terms with just how bad I want to transition and change myself into a woman on the outside. I realized just how bad my inner desires are affecting my mental wellness. The problem was though finding a way to open up the discussion? Mom was a conservative republican with a 1950's mindset on how things should be.

Summer of 2017 I ended up writing a series of 5 or 6 letters to mom that I called my coming out letters. To be honest, This was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I would rather have jumped off a bridge than wrote what I had to write in those letters. I didn't have the courage to sit inside while she read them. I mowed the lawn instead. I came inside though to find mom crying. We ended up having the most emotional conversations we've ever had. I honestly feel that I really devastated her though. We left the issue at that for the reminder of the year. By fall though I was ready to push on. Mom was reluctant though. I really think it's because she knew she did not have much time left and would not be able to get to know me as a woman.

For Christmas I finally got my own female clothing and started dressing full time as a girl. It was liberating and terrifying at all once. I sadly though have been outed by people who have recognized me even in girl mode. Argh! It's no wonder we're encouraged to relocate to a new town were no one knows us as or former selves.

Sadly my mother and only true friend in the world passed on Feb 1, 2018. I am literally in two stages of transition. I am trying to find employment that will except me presenting female and am trying to get to the point of being able to start HRT hopefully in 2019. Mom's finally words on my transitioning were that I should be able to shop in the woman's section with out any problems and she hoped I can find a career that will let me be who I am. My heart is full of grief and sadness. It's been a rough year and feels like an eternal hell.

Lisa

@Aceofblackdiamonds   
Hello again Lisa:
It's me again, thank you for following the LINK to come here to the Introductions Forum
that @KathyLauren and I provided for you in our Welcome Messages on the first thread that you posted on last week.
Now, with your  introductions posting that you just wrote telling us more about yourself, there will be more members here at Susan's Place and regulars on the Forums will be aware of your arrival... you can expect more sharing of thoughts and information that you can receive and also give as you make new acquaintances and friends here.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Wishing you well,
Danielle

Hi Lisa 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Lisa,                     04 November 2018

Just finished your intro; Seems like we have a bit in common, a mean father and age. My father was a mean alcoholic and I was your age .... once. Welcome to Susan's Place. I'm not the "Welcome Wagon Lady," too young for that moniker.

You came to the best place on the Internet for folks like us. If you have questions, ask; there are many experts here that can provide you with answers; just not me. I ask questions.

Something to remember: You owe it to yourself to be happy; don't let others define who or what you are, that's for you and you alone to do. You don't owe it to anyone to be unhappy.

As you travel along the "Transgender Highway" you can travel at your own comfort level, fast, slow or any pace in between. Enjoy the trip, it's a life fulfilling experience.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Lisa, welcome to Susan's Place! This is an awesome place to find support and information.

I am saddened to hear about your loss. Losing your mother at this point in your life had to be devastating. It will not be an easy road, but your life will get better.

It probably is easier to start over somewhere new, but when I came out to my manager in Oct 2017 I told him that I planned to stay because I was too far along in my career to start over. Everyone at my company has been accepting and supportive, all the way from the my co-workers up to the CEO. I work for a company that firmly believes in allowing people to bring their true selves to work every day. There are companies out there who will welcome you and accept you as your true self.

I wish you the best of luck Lisa. Remember, if you ever need help we will be here for you. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Ladies, I really do appreciate your warm welcomes and making feel like a part of the community. At times I am fighting myself to remove my content. I have issues with putting my self out there because of low self esteem and fear.

I am also concerned I am just too old to go through with a transition and I have a hard time shaking that one off. I feel those who get to transition at age 10,11,12 are far better off in outcome than someone like me.

I've got a long ways to go. I live in a very conservative town that is home to a major AFB here in NC. I can't seem to find any trans support groups much less anyone willing to prescribe HRT. Preferably on a informed consent bases as I don't have the funds to hire a therapist so they can tell me what I already know.

Lisa

Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on November 04, 2018, 05:33:01 PM
I am also concerned I am just too old to go through with a transition and I have a hard time shaking that one off. I feel those who get to transition at age 10,11,12 are far better off in outcome than someone like me.

Lisa

Too old! Well there are quite a few of us who started much later in life, 50's and 60's are not that uncommon. Care to guess my age? I started my journey in March 2017 when I was 54! I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. This reminds me of the adage:

'The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is now.'

I look at this as a challenge. I missed out on a lot of things growing up, and I'm going to do my best to get caught up!

Jessica, I think that is part of the problem. I think about what I wanted in the past and what I would like to do now and just feel like I am kidding myself. A part of me wants to try to become a model while the other half still wants to get into dancing. I really would like to someday be on the runway as a wedding dress model but doubt myself ever getting there. It feels like the fabled railroad across the Atlantic Ocean. Anyone who ever read Harry Harrison would know the novel I am talking about. Harry Harrison. A Transatlantic Tunnel, Hurrah!

I am really glad I joined Susan's. It really helps me to talk myself and how I am feeling with those who understand what I am going through.

Lisa

Certainly there are some things neither of us will ever do as a woman, but you have much more time to get there than I do! I try not to feel anguish over who I could have been, what I could have done, or how I may have looked -- it doesn't serve a purpose. We may struggle the rest of our lives to reach our goals, yet we may never get there. Attaining our goal doesn't matter nearly as much as the journey. The best we can do is live the rest of our lives as our true selves. What greater joy in life is there?

Suppressing myself for decades almost cost me my life, and the lives of those I love the most. Figuring out who I am and taking that leap to become my true self saved my life. Less than two years ago I thought transitioning was impossible, yet here I am. I may never reach any of my other goals, but I have a wife and two daughters who love me, and I have finally found peace. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on November 04, 2018, 05:33:01 PM
Ladies, I really do appreciate your warm welcomes and making feel like a part of the community. At times I am fighting myself to remove my content. I have issues with putting my self out there because of low self esteem and fear.

This is a well worn path that most of us have traveled; it's not unique to you. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. It will end when you decide to end it.

I am also concerned I am just too old to go through with a transition and I have a hard time shaking that one off. I feel those who get to transition at age 10,11,12 are far better off in outcome than someone like me.

I wish I was 29; as I said in a previous post on your thread, I was 29 once. This is 49 years after that fact. I started transition in March of this year at 77; I'm now 78, thanks to a birthday three months ago.

I've got a long ways to go. I live in a very conservative town that is home to a major AFB here in NC. I can't seem to find any trans support groups much less anyone willing to prescribe HRT. Preferably on a informed consent bases as I don't have the funds to hire a therapist so they can tell me what I already know.

A therapist is something you will need and should see. I thought I knew everything I needed to know. Nothing could be further from the truth. They can help you overcome your doubts and help you find the doctors you need to accomplish your transition.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,                   05 November 2018

Wishing you a fantastic journey; enjoy it.

Best Always, Love
Christine