I hate myself.

First off id like to thank anyone who responds in advance for your time.

A little about me, I grew up in a household that was not LGBT friendly, I grew up hearing that they are mentally ill, should not get married, and should not be allowed around children. I think this is the root of my problems. Those words have always stuck with me. That said I have always strongly disagreed and have been a strong LGBT ally. I remember small things, wearing my mom's panties, always playing female characters in games, trying to sleep with a boy.. but no strong desire to be a girl or play with dolls that I recall, then again I'm sure any interest in anything feminine would have quickly been shot down and "correct". maybe that's why I can't recall.

"Because I did not have those early desires..does that mean I'm not really trans?"


Everything changed when I discovered transgender woman. Specifically, ->-bleeped-<-s (apologies if that's offensive terminology). I never knew that one could transition, that that was even an option, and I could keep my penis? Hell yea! I don't care for bottom surgery, nor would I want to transition if it meant I had to get that surgery, I want to be a beautiful woman with a penis.

"Does this fact mean I'm not actually transgender? Who wants to be some strange half breed between sexes? Is that even a common desire? Wtf is wrong with me"

To add to my confusion I have never really "hated" being a male. I could recall a time where I had to teach myself to "man up", speak with a deeper voice, be strong, be cool. I had to do that because all I wanted was to be cute, to be soft, to be pretty, for it to be okay for me to be weak, to ask for help. But a "man" cannot be those things. When I think of being a man..I know I could be a "mans man" my body could easily become muscular, and I have no problem with woman. But I have no desire too, to build that image, to become this Alpha male type, I have no interest in my male body. But when I think of being a woman..all the things I would do! the clothes Id wear, the piercings id get, all the tattoo ideas. I have so much fun building my video game avatars..but it would be me, my body <3. Just about the only male thing that makes my skin crawl is when my beard gets too long. and my broad shoulders..(then again I guess the rest of me is pretty feminine)

"Does the fact that I don't hate being a man mean I'm not trans? Is just preferring being a "woman" mean I'm trans?"

I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY, I began studying web development so I can finance a transition and transition working from home. I wear panties and shave my body and paint my nails, I've slept with men, I'm growing my hair & nails long...and every time I get new chest hair or manly feature I get bad anxiety. I'm waisting so much time, I feel like I'm stuck and can't move forward like I know what the answer is but can't say it. I don't feel comfortable saying I'm transgender, that I'm a woman, I feel like I don't have the right...

And to top it all off....I feel like an ass..I read some of your heartbreaking stories.. how your wives treat you when you come out...and I'm sitting here with a wife of 8 years that has always wholeheartedly supported me, that buys me clothes, shows me how to do makeup, paints my nails. I am so lucky..and yet I'm selfishly stuck in limbo. Part of it is also because I'm afraid that as much as she says she is bi and would never leave me, I feel that at the end of it all she wants a man..and I feel like if I don't decide what I want soon ill end up losing her anyway.

Then comes all the standard worries, society treats us like vermin, I am perceived as a White male, and with that comes power. To give up that power, to go on this long and hard journey over a preference. to go from a powerful white man to a "trans freak", to make my life incrementally harder...Idk.. and I know no one here can just tell me what is right... I'm just so tired...of thinking of it daily, of hiding it, of the pressure in my chest, of not being able to look in the mirror, of hating myself.

I love my wife..I love my daughter...I just want to be happy.. and feel like the only thing holding me back is my own dumbass self...I love people..But don't know how to love myself..

I'm sorry...If I offended anyone or come across as stupid or dramatic..I just can't afford a professional and don't know what to do anymore..

@mrr71294
I am most pleased that you had decided to join Susan's Place.
Thank you for writing your posting here on the Introductions Forum.... other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to your specific questions and concerns..

By now you know that this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle (the Alaskan one)

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
[/size]

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

@mrr71294
Oh, and another thing...,
please find your way to the  Introductions Forum and write a brief introduction post and summary about yourself so that more members here on the Susan's Place forums will be aware of your arrival and therefore you may obtain more responses and information that you might be looking for and you will be able to share with others.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

Welcome to the site mrr71294.  It sounds like you are non binary.  Another term is androgynous. Or even an androgyne.  It's all a part of the transgender spectrum and we here at susans don't see anything strange about that.  It's totally natural and third gender people have been around since as long as humans have been around.  It's just the internal programming that you have been exposed to by transphobic people that makes it seem strange.  We were born this way.
There is no need to for shame where none exists.

WOW... there are parts of that I could probably do you for plagiarism and I am sure when I made many of the same comments, someone could've done me for plagiarism too.  What I am trying to say is that A LOT of us begin in the same place you are in now.

I was raised in an active far right household. My father has a criminal record for GBH from going into town with a small gang of thugs gay bashing. So I hear you loud and clear. Getting rid of that baggage isn't something you do over night. I had to actively work at it by meeting all the people I was told to hate and learning that they're nice people. And by the sounds of it, you've already been doing that yourself. But it does scar you and while you can love the people in the world and not have all this hate, the hardest thing to do is love who you truly are supposed to be.

I never played with dolls, I fervently resisted being dressed up in girl's clothes as a child... but that was because I was told from an early age that it was wrong and that boys who did that were 'sissy puffs' who deserved to be beaten up and exterminated. It sounds to me your upbringing wasn't much different... perhaps a little less intense than having a train set with nazi German soldiers on the tops of carriages carrying Jews... but nonetheless not a pleasant place to be when you know deep down that you should've been born a girl and at every opportunity you dress up in your mother's or sister's clothes when you can.

What makes it even harder is that despite absolutely detesting your father's political views, for some bizarre reason you still care about them and still love them. And because of that, there is always some part of you that cares about what they think of you. It makes it very difficult to come to terms with it.

There are some differences between us though, I want to be a full woman and if I could have ovaries and a womb, I would take that too. Not everyone wants to go for full surgery and that is fine.

The other difference is that I hated being a boy, but not all the time. I learned to live with being male but I am not happy in the role.

However, another similarity... my wife is straight, but she used to help me buy and do make up etc. (one of the reasons I married her) but once she saw me fully dressed as a woman with a wig, she freaked about not being a lesbian. However, before my wife, EVERY relationship I had was with bi-sexual women... and part of that attraction was that they would often treat me as female even though I never came out to them. Only the last one guessed it right. I think had I not dated bisexual women and didn't have the luxury of playing female characters in MMORPG... then I would probably have come to the idea of transitioning much quicker. Those things made living as male bearable. When I gave up gaming because it was taking over my life, and my wife stopped supporting my true self, that's when things started getting tough and slowly building up.

By the sounds of it, you've got everything in place to be yourself. It doesn't sound like you will lose your family. There are people on here who are married and have found ways to make it work. People whose wife was not originally supportive... while your wife seems to be fine with it.

I think you've just got to go for it. I would love to tell you that it is easy but it isn't. You will still care about what your family thinks and sadly there is no getting around that, but you need to be honest with yourself. The fear of how we are treated is real too. I found going to my local trans group has helped on that regard immensely.

The first time I went I was terrified of even going. I don't think you've got that issue. But I found being with them started to give me more confidence and less fear. Many of them have lost all their family. Some of them had it much worse than me as children... 'my father tried to punch the gay out of me every night' - was what one woman told me. My father went for me a few times but I was quick at getting out the way and my mother would throw herself between us to give me time to escape. I digress... if you have not already, join a local trans group - preferably one where the people who go are transitioning and/or suffer from gender dysphoria... not simply a crossdresser group. It will make it all real for you.

Having people who you can interact with and touch who have their own stories is a big eye opener. It really makes a big difference and above all it helps give you confidence and reduce the fear. As another woman told me, 'we are your family now'... and that's exactly how I feel when I go to the meets. My daughter will always be my number one, but I am not as frightened to lose everyone else in my life as I was before because I know I've got a group of people who will look out for me. I think once you interact with people who are like us, and see the possibilities, you will start to feel more confident in yourself, but take your time, it is not a race and do what you want to do, not what other people tell you to do. Nobody pressures me to transition, they just give me the information and confidence to make the call myself.

I think I've answered your questions in all that... 


Something else that helped me a lot. Watch Isabella 'Bunny' Bennett's transition videos on YouTube. Watch them all from start to finish and see how happy and natural she becomes in the last video. That's the happiness I want. An end to the dysphoria and release to be myself.

I hope that helps... and I hope I've not offended anyone... remember we are not guilty for the sins of our fathers.

love
Alice

@mrr71294

IMO you sound like a transgender person/woman without genital dysphoria.  strictly speaking non-binary but you clearly have a feminine tendency.

There are a number of transgender woman on Susans such as myself who are not currently planning on having bottom surgery (non-op). And like you I was fascinated to see transwomen who had kept some parts and changed others and thought they looked beautiful but it also was part of my awakening.

I am also married to a woman and have a child, and I have the echo of my upbringing sometimes weighing down my progression but my passion for going forward stays steadfast and I keep on.

Like Alice (Nym)  said it almost sounds like plagiarism listening to your story and mine and hers, but yes there are many many similarities.  I hope you will find the time to look through the early posts of members here and you will see  many similarities to yours and some almost identical.

When I started talking to people on Susans it was a massive relief to be among people I finally understood and who understood me.

Take care,

Sonja.

Transgender is a spectrum. It also includes cross-dressing, non-binary and several other. Being transgender does not mean there is only one path. While we all share some similarities, there are also a lot of differences. The big goal is to find a way to keep dysphoria at bay. Like you, @mrr71294, I share a deep dysphoria about body hair to the point that I have switched seats on a train since I could not deal with the hairy guy sitting across from me. I am pretty lucky myself and I only need facial hair removal, I never had much hair on my arms or legs.

You have to explore and find your way. If you are happy to occasionally dress female and do your makeup, this is what you want to do. If you want to permanently present female, then you should go for this. There is no "common way". You need to find your sweet spot. The same applies to HRT and any kind of surgery.

One thing to be aware of is that sometimes things and views can change the longer you are into this process. When I started this Journey, I thought I was fine with people using my old name. I am no longer fine with it. I also thought I do not want bottom surgery and now I am about to make a downpayment for surgery. This does not mean it will happen to you, but it could happen.

I agree there have been a lot of heartbreaking stories of people losing friends and family and - as you - I feel horrible for them. There are also several who have managed to maintain their relationship and have supportive or at least accepting spouses. Like you, I sometimes feel bad raving about my life as "soccer mom" with a (mostly) supportive wife and one kid. I cannot even imagine how much strength it took her not to run away but to stick with me. I do cherish her for this. Make sure to let your wife know how much you appreciate her ongoing support! One of my big concerns is still how much my kid will have to endure in school. So I do my best to raise her strong.

Again, you can find your way and I am sure, there will be a few on here which are sharing a very similar experience.

Hugs,

Sarah