I've been thinking about my gender identity for about the last five or six years and I'm fairly certain at this point that I'd feel 100 percent more comfortable in my body and life if I was born female. But despite this conclusion, I still feel an incredible amount of shame when I try to act feminine or think in a feminine way or wear feminine clothing. I'm not religious and I'm pretty progressive, but I was raised in a very conservative, very Christian household and I was always told that gay or trans people were perverts. Of course, I don't believe that at all, but whenever I see myself in the mirror, or catch myself acting "girly", that's where my mind defaulty goes and I'm filled with embarrassment and shame. I also have this idea that since I'm kinda tall and I don't look super feminine like some trans girls before they transition, that my feelings of wanting to be a woman are less legitimate, even though, again, I don't believe that to be true.

     I've been seeing a therapist and the embarrassment I feel while I talk to her about these things is amplified by a significant amount, as I've never talked to ANYONE about my feelings before. I just have no idea how to work my way through this stuff so that I can freely express myself to my therapist and I thought I'd try to reach out from my comfort zone for some help.

Most of us don't look feminine before transition. Hormones are what makes us look that way. I remember the first couple times I dressed as a woman and I looked terrible because my muscles hadn't atrophied and I had a beard shadow and rough skin with a receded hairline. Now I pass as a woman most of the time and everything I was worried about wasn't really an issue. The thing is you need to worry about what makes you happy not what makes others happy. There will be people who don't accept you and there will be people who do. Right now I'm in the process of rebuilding my network of friends and surrounding myself with people who celebrate me. I stopped trying to please others and just be me.


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Quote from: OhiaQuiet on November 18, 2018, 12:52:35 PM
     I've been thinking about my gender identity for about the last five or six years and I'm fairly certain at this point that I'd feel 100 percent more comfortable in my body and life if I was born female. But despite this conclusion, I still feel an incredible amount of shame when I try to act feminine or think in a feminine way or wear feminine clothing. I'm not religious and I'm pretty progressive, but I was raised in a very conservative, very Christian household and I was always told that gay or trans people were perverts. Of course, I don't believe that at all, but whenever I see myself in the mirror, or catch myself acting "girly", that's where my mind defaulty goes and I'm filled with embarrassment and shame. I also have this idea that since I'm kinda tall and I don't look super feminine like some trans girls before they transition, that my feelings of wanting to be a woman are less legitimate, even though, again, I don't believe that to be true.

     I've been seeing a therapist and the embarrassment I feel while I talk to her about these things is amplified by a significant amount, as I've never talked to ANYONE about my feelings before. I just have no idea how to work my way through this stuff so that I can freely express myself to my therapist and I thought I'd try to reach out from my comfort zone for some help.

@OhiaQuiet 
Dear OhiaQuiet:
    I see that you just signed up as a brand new member of Susan's Place and that this is your very first posting and that you have made several other postings just recently and are involving yourself in the Forums.

    I am most pleased that you had decided to join Susan's Place and thank you for writing and telling us about yourself here on the Introductions Forum,

    By now you know that this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

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    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
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@OhiaQuiet
Oh, and another thing OhiaQuiet,
Will you please make certain that you find your way to the Introductions Forum  to let more members about yourself!   You will then have more interaction with other like-minded members as you both find each other.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Best wishes to you and enjoy your time here.
Danielle

NOTE:  Now that all of this Official Greeting business is done, I will let you have your thread back.

        Welcome OhiaQuiet! Just wanted to say *shame* can be a healthy thing trick is make it work for you! You understand the seeming *impossibility* of it all yet are willing to take on what the rest of The World simply takes for *granted*! *Humility* is it's close cousin and Lord knows more people could use a good dose of that!

       My 'ex's lawyer tried mercilessly to shame me in divorce court but I say it's the uneducated ones with *NO SHAME* that one really needs to watch out for! I came from an ultra-conservative family, back then most did, went to private Catholic schools my entire life (BA Degree) and all it can do is make one's convictions stronger!

Do What's Best for You and Again Welcome!

I can relate to feeling shame and embarrassment. While I'm not feeling shame when I'm presenting as female, I certainly have these shame kind of feelings when I think about presenting as female in front of people who met me as male. Same goes for talking about my feelings, I can talk about them with people who met me at a trans support group meeting or on a trans site, but I cannot talk to people who knew me from before without feeling embarrassment. This makes it very hard to come out to people.

Don't worry about passing yet, there are a lot of things that can be done about it. Also there are a lot of tall girls out there nowadays so don't worry too much about that either. It takes time and dedication but there are a lot of things that can be done to make you more feminine.

Quote from: OhiaQuiet on November 18, 2018, 12:52:35 PMI was always told that gay or trans people were perverts. Of course, I don't believe that at all, but whenever I see myself in the mirror, or catch myself acting "girly", that's where my mind defaulty goes and I'm filled with embarrassment and shame.

Hi. OhiaQuiet.

Mark Twain cynically described faith as believing what we know ain't so.  I don't know if that is an accurate definition of faith, but it is how we learn things from our parents.  Kids are programmed to believe their parents, and they do, even when they know that what they are asked to believe is wrong.  That is how your mind is able to respond as though you were a pervert, even when you know that you aren't.

(Ask me how I know this.  Yes, I have been there, too.)

I think that this is something that you should talk about with your therapist.  Deprogramming yourself is hard.  I think it would be easier with help.  You have to convince yourself that your parents really didn't know what they were talking about when they programmed you.  Which is not something you need to blame them for; it is just to understand where that came from.

You don't need to work through it before talking to your therapist.  You need to trust her, and then let her help you through it.

Just realize that those that don't accept the true you are the ones with the problem.  You are fine.  You know who you are, its up to them to see the real you. 

Trans people and LGB are just people, not perverts.  It seems that your programming was wrong for the most part.  its okay, reprogramming takes time.  Talk to your therapist and to those in your support groups.  They too can help you realize that you are fine and that the programming from your parents was wrong.  Don't be ashamed of being true to yourself, hopefully you'll learn to be proud of who you are! 

Be as girly as you want, and like it was said before, there are plenty of tall cis girls.  If you decide to take hormones, that will help you look more feminine. 

Just be true to your self, and be happy.

Ryuichi