I'm driving myself bonkers. I made the decision to stop taking hormones 2 months ago after being on T for 3 months, and now I need help putting myself back on them. I need someone to either say, "hey give it another go!" Or say, "HECK! Don't take hormones you don't need them get lost!"

Okay I have to admit this is going to sound all over the place. My problem is, when I was 2 weeks into treatment I began to feel "off" in some way and knowing how my brain/body needs to adjust when altering hormones I decided to carry on regardless. A few weeks after this I'm sat there panicking about my shoulders. I don't know why I was panicking, but they became very broad and this somehow left an awkward feeling in my gut. Later on I looked at my face and realised how masculine it looked. There was no doubt I was male! People wouldn't know any different! And again, for some strange reason this left a weird feeling in my gut too. It was like my head was in two separate pieces. One of them feeling happy and relieved that the changes were happening, but the other side was constantly panicking and feeling distraught. I became very isolated in my head. And I hate that this ended up happening, because right now I'm sat here with my changes all reverted (yes. it looks like nothing ever took place) and feeling like I'm trapped. There's this longing. I found a picture of myself 2 months on T and just looking at it makes me feel eager to get back onto testosterone. I keep wondering if I stayed on, maybe my voice would've dropped by now and maybe that ghostly outline of facial hair will get darker. And this all makes me sound like a delusional piece of **** because on hormones I felt the complete opposite and I hate the fact that I ended up feeling this way because all it's done is left me stuck lying in bed for weeks on end (trust me. I've never left this bed apart from eating and using the toilet. It took me 2 weeks to take a shower! That's how bad it is!).

Before taking myself off T I wrote myself this frenzied diary entry over how I'm going to turn into this scary, monsterous woman who's going to scare others off and own the world. But the thing is... I've tried so hard to imagine myself as a woman and now all it's doing is making me feel "wrong" inside. Something inside of me feels dead. And whenever I feel like this my head starts running off into this fantasy world where I can imagine myself living comfortably as a guy. I've been out as "male" for nearly 4 years now, so it should've been enough time to figure out what to do. And I don't want to be stuck here ruminating for the rest of my life, because when challenging things happen to me I spend the rest of my days in bed. I won't get up for anything.

Whenever I grab that canister of T-gel I feel this flutter in my chest that says to me "okay, give this one more shot. This time it will be better", but as soon as I've almost worked up the courage my head starts going over the moments where I've felt dysphoria, I end up comparing this to other trans people, and then I look at myself and think "no. You're not a man. You can't possibly be a man. Look at you. Last time you took this you freaked out and was so distraught. Are you even serious?"

I guess maybe my head expected too much from T. Maybe it was expecting a blissful, carefree transitioning where everything was bright and sunny. But for me, well... if there's one thing that was definitely a shock to the system was my lack of emotions. I honestly had trouble feeling anything. I had to fake a good few smiles, and I never even bothered to do this before - just so I could appear normal to everyone else! It became harder to concentrate. Trying to insert a little creative thought into my life was difficult and I felt very bland. It was like those parts of me were becoming inaccessible and in general I felt like an ***hole. My mood became that of an apathetic 15 year old boy. That's what I felt like. A teenager. For some reason my default mood (well, I wasn't actually devoid of emotion, there was still something there...) was "meh" and "who cares go away", and I've heard cases of people beginning hormones just to find they're acting like some edgy preteen for a while before their body gets further into puberty and they begin settling down as an adult, so deep down I'm hoping this could be a culprit.

In fact I'm desperately praying that the freak outs were due to me not having enough time to adjust. I was only 3 months in after all. My system has to get used to being on testosterone after being on estrogen for 19 years! But... again here comes the doubts. Maybe I'm just a confused woman who tricked herself into being transgender. Who tricked herself into having dysphoria. Because if you begin T without dysphoria, then you're just going to get dysphoric right? And this is what I'm scared of. If that was what I was experiencing on testosterone, then these last 4 years of my life have been one great lie and I should be ashamed for s***ing on the transgender community like this. The thought of posing as a trans man (and a bi one at that!) is disgusting and I wouldn't want to live with myself.

Another thing that I'm hoping was a problem, is my autism possibly getting worse on testosterone. Despite my local gender clinic being obsessed with autism and it's connection to being transgender (kept on asking me numerous question during appointments and treated me like someone who couldn't understand a single word that was being said), they've mentioned that my autism could possibly get worse on testosterone and it could dampen my empathy to the point where it's obvious I'm autistic. And this isn't me exaggerating either, this is basically what my endrocrinologist told me!

And if it was my autism increasing in volume, then that's maybe the reason why I got startled over these "changes" and why I couldn't feel emotions very well.

Oh look at this mess. Here's a third theory for whoever wants it...

My dose was the wrong dose and this screwed with my head. And why I believe this is because after increasing my dose on month 3 my head went completely. It was so hard to feel like I was inside of my body and my mind was getting scattered. I felt disconnected from my body, from the world, my environment didn't feel real and I couldn't get that sweet sense of relaxation from a cosy bed at night. The things that were supposed to bring me comfort, had no affect on that "meh" mood of mine. My passions decided to take a decline too! No longer did I take pride in the clothes I wore. I just put on a basic t-shirt and jeans and there we have it. Whereas before I used to spend ages deciding what top to wear. Used to put on some big flashy earrings. Wear a little eyeliner. Big goth boots. Stereotypical "girl wanting to be a trans guy 'cause it's cool!" look. Was that really my attempt at being a guy? How the Heck did I allow myself to dress feminine as possible if I'm supposed to be dysphoric?

I've once had thoughts plague me over the idea that maybe... just maybe... I've decided to become a guy because I feel "weak" as a woman. Because I was bullied a lot in school. Because I couldn't do "XYZ" as a girl but I could do it as a guy. I've had some internalise sexism before, but then again after being out as a guy I've felt less and less about these thoughts. In fact as a guy it's easier for me to see everyone as equals and not get myself down about small things. And fully acknowledge that girls can do everything that guys can do and more. Which then brings me down to thinking, was this me reflecting my dysphoria onto others? Was the idea of being female causing me that much distress I began to think of girls as "weak"? Because after being out as male, I look back at this and know how disturbingly wrong I was. And that these thoughts are ugly. And don't relate at all to the world around me.

They say if you look back at the past you might be able to see clues over being trans. And before these sexist thoughts got into my head, I remember being a kid and being sat in this one sex ed class feeling miserable over the fact that I weren't going to get the changes the guys were going to get. That I won't have a deep voice, or broad shoulders, or facial hair. And I remember how out of place I felt when the teacher asked who was looking forward to the changes, and yet I just felt so upset over it... I didn't want to be like "that"...

And moments where I'd get upset over the fact that I wasn't born with male parts. It's quite amusing actually. To think of how upset it made me. And I couldn't understand it at the time. And it might not have even been dysphoria, as I've never really had an issue with my original parts today (well... apart from the chest THAT CAN GO).

I know this is a massive block of text to read through, and some of this you may turn your nose up at. Whatever. You can judge me. But it's gotten to the point where I'll either force myself to rot away in bed for the remainder of my life or simply end it. I don't want to be stuck in this dilemma anymore. It's like in my mind I'm male, but physically I'm female, and this exhausts me. I look like a child on the outside! I've missed the chance to grow up for 3 years while waiting for these hormones! I've had to deal with being taken less seriously by others because of how young I looked and not getting a chance to make real adult friends!

If I had the chance to snap my fingers and turn into what I look like on the inside. An adult male. And not experience any of the negative emotional changes. And feel happy. And fine. And fulfilled. And not have to be scared of anything or doubt myself anymore I'd take that chance in a heartbeat. If everything could just be okay. That would be great.

With no horrible side affects. Or worrying over how I'm going to feel about this and about that. And without my sexuality altering. (Okay. This is something silly. I should not be caring about sexuality. It's my life that matters. And if I can find it near enough impossible to feel attraction towards men while being on hormones then who cares?).  Still. The little things. The little things always get me down and they shouldn't.

Sometimes I get this confusing amount of hurt over the fact that I weren't born male. I keep thinking to myself "heck. I'm not going to bother with hormones! I should've just been born male!" which is absolutely stupid as the hormones are right there in front of me! Maybe it's the idea of it being effortless. Maybe it's not having to go through the changes and the questioning and the doubt and simply be me. It's like I'm hurting myself on purpose. Knowing that if I don't take hormones I won't ever be a man and then beating myself up over never being born as one.

In short. I just want to disappear.

There's a lot more I could say here. This is just the tip of the iceberg.


<edit by moderator>

Anyone there?

No offense, but it's a bit of a TLTR post (Too Long To Read).

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I didn't find it too long, I didn't respond because I don't have a response.

oddoneout, give it time. People live in different countries and time zones. I'm sure someone that can relate will come along

You panicked from the changes. What you described is pretty much exactly what I recall puberty being like except I didn't have an option to stop. If I understand you correctly you where in bed for two weeks because of the changes from three weeks of testosterone.

At the very least I would say discontinue the testosterone and speak to a therapist to help you sort through things. The testosterone will still be there if once you have processed what transpired and decide to try again.

Do you currently have a therapist?

@ oddoneout yes, we are here. I don't have time until tonight to read the whole post, but I definately will and respond later. Hang in there! We support you, you are valid whatever road you choose.

Oddoneout, ok I read through the entire entry and I may have missed it, but do you see a psychologist already? For me to start HRT I had to, but I know it's different for others. It's really helped me personally to talk to my psych about these things, and I found alot of what you wrote similar to myself. So I don't think you should "end it", but rather try and muster the strength to get to your therapist. You may need to start an antidepressant if you're not on one.

Welcome to Susan's place. This is something that's difficult to answer without a great deal more information. It appears you don't clearly fit in the male or female category. Because of this, it's important you explore these feelings thoroughly in therapy. When you get all the facts out, you could decide that a transition might not be appropriate. On the other hand, you may overcome the issues that are holding you back. I suspect this isn't going to be solved easily so plan on a a few months to therapy before making much in the way of progress.

It's not uncommon for people to be uncertain early in the transition so what your experiencing isn't out of the normal. It's just an indication that you need to spend a little more time exploring your doubt.

You partly describe what young guys have to go through when they are in puberty.  Many of you situation descriptions remind me of the days!
I agree with the others here, you should see a professional to help you to sort through your feelings.  You might end up to be the manliest guy out there, who knows?

Quote from: StacyRenee on November 20, 2018, 10:41:11 AM
No offense, but it's a bit of a TLTR post (Too Long To Read).

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No offense, but why did you bother commenting this?

Quote from: NatalieRene on November 20, 2018, 11:22:03 AM
You panicked from the changes. What you described is pretty much exactly what I recall puberty being like except I didn't have an option to stop. If I understand you correctly you where in bed for two weeks because of the changes from three weeks of testosterone.

At the very least I would say discontinue the testosterone and speak to a therapist to help you sort through things. The testosterone will still be there if once you have processed what transpired and decide to try again.

Do you currently have a therapist?

I stopped testosterone a little over a month ago. The testosterone wouldn't likely be there as far as the gender clnic is concerned. They hold meetings every now and then to decide whether staying on hormones long-term would be the best thing for me. They've already nitpicked over my autism. If I give them any reason as to why they shouldn't prescribe me it, even a little doubt, they will happily save the money and cancel me out.

Quote from: Dena on November 20, 2018, 04:53:21 PM
Welcome to Susan's place. This is something that's difficult to answer without a great deal more information. It appears you don't clearly fit in the male or female category. Because of this, it's important you explore these feelings thoroughly in therapy. When you get all the facts out, you could decide that a transition might not be appropriate. On the other hand, you may overcome the issues that are holding you back. I suspect this isn't going to be solved easily so plan on a a few months to therapy before making much in the way of progress.

It's not uncommon for people to be uncertain early in the transition so what your experiencing isn't out of the normal. It's just an indication that you need to spend a little more time exploring your doubt.

I guess I'll be stuck in bed for the next 10 years then. I've had therapy. I was certain that I should be put on hormones. But I freaked out. And I just don't know why I freaked out. My body will always look female if I don't take hormones. It causes me enough havoc. But the mental stuff I went through. I wish things were clear cut. I'd speak to a therapist if it didn't risk them seeing me as "too mentally instable to medically transition". These things happen. And if I tell them everything I've said on here, they would likely feel this way.

I apologise to all for being seemingly angered. This is mostly a response to myself and how I'm behaving. Just not in a good place right now.

Quote from: oddoneout on November 20, 2018, 11:25:29 PM
I apologise to all for being seemingly angered. This is mostly a response to myself and how I'm behaving. Just not in a good place right now.

Just relax and try to smell the roses!  As I said, a lot what you describe here was the way I felt when I went through puberty.  Before puberty, I did not really know if I was a guy or a girl (I am intersex, with those XXY chromosomes).  Somebody had decided that I should have male genitals.  Puberty came, and I did not really develop into a guy, and I can tell you, i was really confused.  And angry and whatever you can think off, i was that.  But I had no chance to influence it.  But what i knew and wanted, I wanted to live my life as god as I could.  staying in bed will not solve anything, but wear the mattress out   Grab yourself by the shirt collar and get going.  You might become the manliest man there is, but you never know this until you really try!  You have the chance to do it, I did not.  But I still became a rather successful man, and your deck of cards is even better than mine was.  Go out and do it!

Have you had your T levels checked? If they aren't in the normal male range, it can make you nutty. Mine were way off when I started, so I stopped T temporarily and switched doctors to get more closely monitored.

Some guys have difficulty learning to reconnect to their emotions when they first start T (I see this discussed on r/ftm frequently).

The edgy preteen thing is normal to a degree, too. You should see the Hot Topic pajamas I'm wearing. 

One of the things that I found intimidating about T, despite knowing myself thoroughly, was how rapidly some of the changes manifested. How quickly things change are partly genetic. A lower dose might slow the process for you, too.

I haven't been formally diagnosed as on the spectrum, but I have noticed an increase in my sensory issues, misophonia, synesthesia, and photophobia. It was EXTREMELY overwhelming at first. I became afraid I wouldn't be able to drive a car at night, but some yellow tinted night vision glasses solved the problem. It was temporarily disorienting but I readjusted.

It took me a while to realize that I needed to view your earlier posts, before you started HRT.

My guess is your primary issue isn't gender dysphoria, but the fact that your peers are dating and having relationships and you are all alone. 

Not everyone has the time to drop everything to spend 15+ minutes to read such a lengthy post as well as the time to write out a reply. I was at work when I saw your post and reply asking why nobody was answering. I can't carry my phone out on the production floor and only get a 30 minute lunch.

Now that I've had the time to read your post, my only suggestion is to open up to your therapist in your next visit. If you hold back and only give what you want to tell them, they only have half the information they need to figure out what's best for you. You can't try to manipulate them to get what you want. Same thing goes for when you're seeing a physician. If you don't disclose something because it's embarrassing, you might not get the proper treatment.

You say at the beginning of your post that you want someone to tell you which way to go. YOU are that person. Only you can figure that out with the help of a therapist.

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It's not advisable to stop and start T on a whim. Hormones seriously affect how you feel when you take them and also when you take them away both psychologically and physiologically. You need them in the system one way or another, when you stop you will cause a hormone crash which will make you feel anxious at the very least. If you intend to become male and take T then stick it out and allow the brain to adjust in its own time. If you felt genuinely ill then you should get a doctor's opinion.

Agree with Kylo. You can't stop and start hormones just like that. It will cause chaos in your system.

About how/what you feel. Only YOU can answer that question. Maybe you are NB? Maybe binary? Only you can know. Sounds to me you need to see a therapist.

Hormones don't fix your problems, it helps with dysphoria. It won't change your life and other people in it.

Tony

Quote from: StacyRenee on November 25, 2018, 12:47:57 PM
Not everyone has the time to drop everything to spend 15+ minutes to read such a lengthy post as well as the time to write out a reply. I was at work when I saw your post and reply asking why nobody was answering. I can't carry my phone out on the production floor and only get a 30 minute lunch.

Now that I've had the time to read your post, my only suggestion is to open up to your therapist in your next visit. If you hold back and only give what you want to tell them, they only have half the information they need to figure out what's best for you. You can't try to manipulate them to get what you want. Same thing goes for when you're seeing a physician. If you don't disclose something because it's embarrassing, you might not get the proper treatment.

You say at the beginning of your post that you want someone to tell you which way to go. YOU are that person. Only you can figure that out with the help of a therapist.

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Amusing how you brought up "manipulation" here. I have never manipulated anyone to give me what I want. How dare you assume this. I know not everyone has time to read my post, but do you seriously think I'm sat here demanding answers? Sure. I asked if anyone was there. But this is just a typical habit of mine. It weren't me purposely demanding an answer from you. Jeez. I just wondered why you would bother coming out with "no offense but that was too long to read". Who cares. Move on. It's not like I will cry if you don't comment at all.

And don't bring up therapy. I'm not rich. I can't afford private therapy. And finding free, funded therapy is difficult as it is!