I feel shy posting right now, because I haven't been an active member. As my profile summary says, I have done 0.031 posts per day. That's not much is it?

But I am looking for some encouragement, or normalising of what I am experiencing.

Short version, been transitioning since April this year and making slow but steady progress.

I have reached the point of trying to live publicly looking like a woman (who I am!) full-time.

But I find it so hard. I find myself making excuses not to. Or say to myself that I will just wear my old (guy) clothes just this once, cause it is easier.

I feel like I am cheating myself when thinking or doing that, but the anxiety of getting ready to go out in my new wardrobe sometimes feels overwhelming.

Do you ever find it all too hard, and wish you weren't trans?

I don't know if that is what I am really asking, but any comments around this theme will be appreciated.

Quote from: dee82 on November 21, 2018, 12:15:43 AM
I feel shy posting right now, because I haven't been an active member. As my profile summary says, I have done 0.031 posts per day. That's not much is it?

But I am looking for some encouragement, or normalising of what I am experiencing.

Short version, been transitioning since April this year and making slow but steady progress.

I have reached the point of trying to live publicly looking like a woman (who I am!) full-time.

But I find it so hard. I find myself making excuses not to. Or say to myself that I will just wear my old (guy) clothes just this once, cause it is easier.

I feel like I am cheating myself when thinking or doing that, but the anxiety of getting ready to go out in my new wardrobe sometimes feels overwhelming.

Do you ever find it all too hard, and wish you weren't trans?

I don't know if that is what I am really asking, but any comments around this theme will be appreciated.

Well I've been transitioning about the same amount of time you have I've never really come to thought of wishing that I wasn't transgender I am I accept this and I'll fix this but I've always had a put your head down and charge straightforward and let nothing stop you attitude as far as wanting to dress up in guy's clothes I don't think you're cheating on yourself by dressing up and got guys clothes because girls dress up as guys sometimes it's called a tomboy so you don't have to feel bad about that me when I started transitioning I threw away everything I had that was a guys clothes but that's me as far as a new wardrobe you don't have to feel any anxiety doing it if you want to you can do what I did I bought a measuring tape and measured myself at home for the clothing I was pretty accurate for the balls I went to Victoria's Secret they were very nice they made no judgments about me they were extremely helpful although they are very expensive to I don't know if any of this helped you but I really hope it did

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You are way not alone in your feelings. I will have been on hormones 4 years next April and living full time as a woman for 3 years. In my 1st year on hormones I rarely dressed female as I didn't really have much to show except a butt after 6 months, hardly any breast growth. As my skin began to soften and my appearance began to change, my wardrobe began to transition. And I found it easier to go out in public places as myself, but I often put off going in to stores or would dress in my boy clothes. 3 years later, I don't even think about it now. Go at your own pace, when you're ready, you'll know! The journey can be hard but to me, worth it!!

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Thanks Arianna and EdLynn for the replies.

Arianna I like your attitude and comments about tomboys. So true. I will keep that in mind. I have also found staff in stores mostly supportive which has been encouraging, and surprised me at first.

EdLynn, maybe I am pushing myself too hard. But now that I have tried it (going out looking like a woman) with success (I was happy), when I don't it feels like a backwards step and I am not being true to myself.

But I have to be accepting of the challenges and not beat myself up, when I feel I fall short of my ideal.

Quote from: dee82 on November 21, 2018, 12:47:24 AM
Thanks Arianna and EdLynn for the replies.

Arianna I like your attitude and comments about tomboys. So true. I will keep that in mind. I have also found staff in stores mostly supportive which has been encouraging, and surprised me at first.

EdLynn, maybe I am pushing myself too hard. But now that I have tried it (going out looking like a woman) with success (I was happy), when I don't it feels like a backwards step and I am not being true to myself.

But I have to be accepting of the challenges and not beat myself up, when I feel I fall short of my ideal.

Well I know sort of what you're talking about like when I'm out and about doing whatever I need to do and somebody calls me sir or Mister even though it doesn't happen often when it does happen it knocks you down it hurts but you just got to let it go just let it slide off You and Keep On Moving and you will be just fine!!! also it doesn't matter how much you post on here you're still family

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Arianna, I was in a shop yesterday, and dressed how I prefer, relatively feminine clothes. No dress, I like skinny jeans more, but my hair, glasses and jewellery made it obvious what I was trying for.

I know I have a long way to go, but I was still shocked when I thought the shop assistant called be sir and gave me a creepy knowing wink. To be honest, I may have misheard, she had a soft voice and it was a noisy environment (opened onto a major road), but it really threw me and I let it ruin the afternoon a little.

I will have to learn to let it go.

Quote from: dee82 on November 21, 2018, 01:05:10 AM
Arianna, I was in a shop yesterday, and dressed how I prefer, relatively feminine clothes. No dress, I like skinny jeans more, but my hair, glasses and jewellery made it obvious what I was trying for.

I know I have a long way to go, but I was still shocked when I thought the shop assistant called be sir and gave me a creepy knowing wink. To be honest, I may have misheard, she had a soft voice and it was a noisy environment (opened onto a major road), but it really threw me and I let it ruin the afternoon a little.

I will have to learn to let it go.

Unfortunately it is easier to let it ruin your day than it is to let it slide but it makes us I feel better people and stronger when we do let it slide we also become a little bit more tolerant towards people in general also you can feel free to private message me anytime if you ever just need to talk

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I will learn to let go of such comments. Thanks for the pm offer, I appreciate it.

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There is an author, Kate Bornstein, who is trans... technically agendered. This is more along the lines of who I feel I am. I've always been more effeminate according to my mother. I don't shave every day, I still do major repairs at my own house. My ultimate goal is androgyny, not femininity. I started my transition thinking I had to be 100% feminine, as time went on I realized that it isn't necessary. As for clothing, who cares which department they came from, all they are is cut and stitched pieces of material that are designed tu cover the human body. I still like a lot of my "male" clothes, so I'll gladly wear them, not to mention I can't afford a new wardrobe.

Long story short, just because you are trans,  does not mean you always have to be feminine, it means you want to BE/ARE female. A perk of being female is that you get fo dress however makes you comfy, worst case, someone misgenders you, and I'm sure it's not the first or last time, it happened/ happens.

Btw... Kate Bornstein write "My Gender Workbook". It's got a unique aspect on gender, but it's expensive.

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That's an interesting perspective SalaniasEvilTwin you given me a lot to think about. Since I had been misgendered all my life, there is a tendancy to want make up for lost time, and dress to minimise that from happening in the future.

But ultimately, I wear what I like and feel comfortable in. Unfortunately, my man clothes don't fit that criteria anymore (except for some cool T-Shirts which have always been unisex anyway) but they are familiar all the same and I think that provides some form of comfort. In a different way.

Thanks for the reading suggestion.

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You are in the toe dipping stage. Everybody goes through it. What helped me was that my therapists wanted me to dress for our appointments. Then Emily would send me off to Bakery Nouveau across the street to get chocolate croissants and cocoa. That was my first foray into the public. And it felt pretty good. I had started going to support groups about then. One of the things that made me feel I was finally headed down the right road is when one of the girls there. Evelyn gave me a hug. It was so amazing what that little hug did for me. Even better Evelyn gave me tickets to Gender Odyssey. I showed up and so did 1700 other people just like me. For four unforgettable days I had dressed as a woman 24/7 and I really didn't notice anyone stare or anything. I guess for once I blended in. Since then, I go to support groups 2-3 times a week. I dress for those nights and we eat dinner afterwards and have a generally good time. I don't dress around the house when my wife is home because she don't want to see it. I have a 35 year relationship to protect. I was in the closet for 64 years. I have been out and on HRT for just over two years. The best of my life aside from my kids growing up. I no longer suffer from depression / dysphoria. I don't feel angry, no secrets to hide. I look forward to waking up to see what the new day brings. Because of my health I can't get surgeries. But I'm happy where I am at. If I were twenty it would be completely different. Boobs, butt, ffs, hoohoo, and on the list for the first successful uterine transplant.
Don't worry, but be prepared once you venture out and get the lay of the land. It will get easier and easier. Why not hit up Sephora or Mac counter for a makeup application. Just to build up a little confidence. Confidence is the greatest asset to passing.

Thank you for the inspiring story DawnODay. I hope you continue to experience that joy, and that I can get there someday too.

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Hi Dee,
   I think you have it right. Get a good balance of challenging  yourself and giving yourself a break. You want to make progress, but who amongst us is up for a challenge every day. Not me. The important thing is feeling okay with yourself. Like the smart people above said, it does get easier as you go. I am full time at work my third year now. If I looked back at that first year, I was shy, my clothing was not really close to a style, and I just wanted to kind of 'land' in the female world and catch my breath. I purposely didn't pressure myself to be the final 'me' cause I didn't even know who that was. Last year was better, I learned to do my hair some, improve my clothes, and relax. This year, I have things more together. I have women notice my style and compliment me. Women tease me about being more feminine than they are (my preferred way to be.) I feel like I am coming together and still I get the dreaded 'he' thrown my way sometimes. It stinks and some days I don't like the whole trans thing, but when it's the only game in town, you make the best of it. And that can be pretty darn good. You will get there. Don't let it turn you negative.

Quote from: dee82 on November 21, 2018, 12:15:43 AM
I feel like I am cheating myself when thinking or doing that, but the anxiety of getting ready to go out in my new wardrobe sometimes feels overwhelming.

Do you ever find it all too hard, and wish you weren't trans?

Hello Dee

I think there are very few of us indeed who are glad we were born trans; it would have been so much easier to be cis.

However when we fully accept we are trans, we need to deal with the challenge and as you say pubic dressing is a very significant and challenging stage after private dressing.

I have been for a walk in the park dressed femme several times and nothing worse than the occasional stare has happened. I have been on HRT 9 months and my confidence continues to improve with HRT. I know I will be ready for fulltime public in 2019; I believe you will know when the right time comes for you.

I wish you every success.

Hugs

Pamela

Hi HappyMoni, that must be wonderful getting compliments. I think I maybe rushing things. By that I don't mean I am going too fast, but more that I need to lower my expectations to be more realistic.

I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to be "consistent", but maybe that is because I worry too much about what other people think.

Either way it is an incredible journey, and I know it is worthwhile and the right thing for me.

Pamela, good luck with 2019 for you. It is getting close so quickly. I only just about to start HRT, so that is all ahead and I am sure will change things.

I always knew everyone is different, but reading these replies from you wonderful people, really makes that clear and concrete, and that is encouraging and liberating.

Dee.

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Dee, funny thing about caring too much about what others think.! All those other people think the same way. Maybe we should employ the old technique used for giving speeches, picture everyone else naked (Or as opposite gender.) 

Not caring about what others think takes time and maybe just a dash of cynicism. You'll get there eventually. Hopefully without the cynicism.
The one thing I've learned since I came out, is that a lot less people care about me than I ever thought. I was full time for a good 3 or 4 months at my previous job and nobody cared. The only reason I stopped was because I had to meet my new District Manager, who didn't care one way or the other. Now this may be different for you because different areas have different tolerances to different groups. Probably the best thing I've learned from my transition is that the is no reason to lie, to myself and to others. The less you lie to yourself the more confident you'll become and less others will seem to have an opinion about you.
One key thing that i've learned from this amazing forum and the awesome people here, YMMV (your mileage may vary), everything happens for everyone at a different pace.

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For most of us, anything new is hard. But, it gets easier with practice.    Hang in there.

Welcome to the Forum Dee!

I do not think it is unnatural to want to be happy with the way you were born. I wish I was born with my body and mind aligned correctly. Instead I experienced a lot of pain for decades and am experiencing a lot of difficulties through transition. Much less than some, more than some others.

That said, I am who I am. Accepting that and owning it is the best way to take something difficult and get through it.

You might find an interesting read and some different perspectives on this thread. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242287.msg2192690.html#msg2192690

I've been on HRT for a little over a year now and decided from the outset that no matter what I looked like I'd present female.Within four months the misgendering stopped. I don't see myself as having the wrong body, just one that needed a few a tweaks. I have two beautiful children who call me Dad and always will and I regret nothing. Lost my wife along the way as she is unprepared to to take this journey with me but there is always a price.

I don't wish I wasn't trans because rather than being  a burden it gives me strength and perspective I never would have had otherwise! In march next year I go in for orchiodectomy at which point (unless I find a lot of cash for srs somewhere) I consider 'transition' over. For now? I live my life the way it was meant to be.

Don't regret who you are - celebrate it and don't worry what strangers think because they don't have an significant impact on your life.