Hey everyone, I wanted to ask other transexual's opinions on a decision I have to make, and hopefully it will spark a conversation on deeper issues.

I currently live at home with my Mom working two jobs trying to save for surgery.  My day job I do administrative work on a jobsite for a construction company, the other retail at nights and on weekends.  I have no life... I don't eat out, no friends other than my Mom and people I see at work, I don't go out, buy very few things that aren't neccesary for sustaining life, except I am a hobbyist woodworker.  I don't really spend much of my own money for this, maybe $100 in the past 9 months.  I am currently saving $100-$125 a week for surgery.  The only people I have regular contact with that know about my gender situation are my mother and brother.

This is my second construction project in the same number of companies.  I love this company, I love my boss, and I make pretty good money.  This project will end early summer, and because of my job performance, more than a few "important people" have approached me about going on the road to the next project which is located near Orlando FL.  If I don't take the offer I might be looking for a job if they don't have another project near my house, which is less than likely.  If I take the offer I will set up an apartment or extended stay hotel in Florida at the company's expense, and they will pay for everything... food, utilities, mileage, as well as one trip back to Alabama a month.  I have recieved no formal offer, but it's looking good, especially if I pursue it.

But that will mean moving away from my family.  I will have no friends there either, but I will have nobody near me who knows anything about my gender situation.  I will go from living on 3 acres in the country with a dog and cat to basically living in a hotel.  But with the impending recession I tell myself I would be crazy to not take it.

So many pluses, and so many minuses.  I always thought I would love to "start over" in another part of the country as a girl, and after living stealth here I know it wouldn't be difficult to do.  But now I'm not so sure.  It's nice having some people like my family that do know.  Maybe that would be different after surgery.  I think it would.  But surgery is still a year or two down the road.

And another thing, my Mom's job sucks, she is pretty deeply depressed at times, I am also the only real friend in her life, and I worry moving too far away could send her into an even deeper despression.

What do you think?

You need a life, yes surgery is important but living is too... don't get wrapped up in working because
you will wake up at 35 and wonder where you're twenties went. With that said it's admirable that
you are willing to sacrifice like that

The biggest thing that I see and it's more personal to me is that I would not base any decision on
how it will affect your mother (or anyone else). She is an adult and needs to deal with her problems on her
own and you are not responsible for her happiness. I understand your concerns but enabling her is not
good for either one of you.

I assume you're fairly young if your living at home and I think getting out on one's own is wonderful thing. I hate to
see kids that are in there late 20's or even 30's and still living at home. There is a LOT of growing that will happen
being out of your moms house and you will have a ball. I left home at 17 and it was the best thing that I could
have done for both me and my parents. 

You sound like your going to be successful

Amanda

Amy I don't know how old you are but... I agree with Amanda. You are putting yourself at serious risk for depression yourself if you don't have an independent life from your mother. You say you have no friends outside of your family and are focusing everything on saving for surgery. I am really concerned for you. You need to form your identity as a person with your own needs and values. Now you might be doing this while living with your mom or already done it. I am not saying it is wrong to live with your family. I am currently living with my family while I save money to buy a home. I lived on my own from 16 to last year and this was a hard choice but the best one for me at the time. However the isolation was pretty intense and I don't have the social life that I am used to. I have had to find other ways to keep my independence and social life without spending money which was hard.

Now to your questions. I would evaluate realistically how much money you could save while having your expenses covered and how much you will save at home because your main concern seems to be saving money. Remember that you can also get a second job at the new location. I must say the added benefit of having your own life sounds good. I know you are concerned about your mother and I initially moved in to help my family take care of my grandmother with severe dementia. It is admirable that you care so much about your family. I think that you need to remember that no matter what your physical and emotional health has to be the most important thing for you. In the end the choice is yours. It sounds you like are already putting a lot of thought in this choice, good for you.

->-bleeped-<-boy

Thank you for your replies Amanda and ->-bleeped-<-boy...

This situation is so complicated it's hard for me to even make sense of it all.  Yes, I know I need my own life.  And I know she can take care of herself.  But I have been over & over my life in my head, and I can find very little merit in having one before surgery, because each and every moment I live without surgery is tainted.  I live as a supposedly beautiful woman.  I say "supposedly" because I still work on my self-confidence every day.  I was called "sexy" today by a 29 year old spanish guy I know, and all I could think was, "I'm not sexy.  I have a penis, but you simply don't know that.  If I had a vagina I could feel sexy."

I'm 27 and I have lived.  I left for college at 14, moved to NYC at 18, had my Master of Arts at 20, worked as a freelance musician for 6 years, during which time I developed an alchohol problem which I contribute to always wanting to be a woman.  (I don't drink anymore.)  I constantly traveled to more countries on more continents than everyone I know combined, blew the majority of my excess money on great food and drink, had great times I will always remember, made some amazing friends, played with many music "greats" during my time in NYC, and had just begun to get over the proverbial "hump" in the music business when I gave it all up (including a girl I loved) to transition, then moved back to Alabama.  I don't regret anything.  I am a happier woman than I was a man, and I have more hope for me now than I did then.  Now all I want is a boyfriend, a movie rental place down the street, and a couch to cozy up on with him.

I started HRT at 23, intend to have surgery by 30 come hell or high water, and in that time hopefully help my Mom get back on her feet.  I might be doing that from Florida, though.

It's time for me to go to bed, which is pointless lately because I sleep so badly that I fall asleep at work in the morning.  I took my first over-the-counter sleep aid tonight and now I feel more awake than I ever have.  What luck, huh?

Thanks again guys.  This post may seem like a hysterical rant of someone who is upset, but I'm not.  I'm stressed and just looking for advice.

Well... that's what we get for assuming... LOL... I never would have guessed you've
done all that by your first post.

But the advise still stands... your mother can stand on her own... make the
best decision for YOU. Don't live your life based on what she expects you to
do because both of you will eventually be disappointed. You can still help your
mom from Florida if that is what YOU decide is best.

There is no easy answer here, and when I've been faced with that type of choice,
I make a decision and then work to make sure it was the right decision
as I move forward.

Amanda

I constantly traveled to more countries on more continents than everyone I know combined, blew the majority of my excess money on great food and drink {and other consumables}, had great times I will always remember {and lots more I don't}, made some amazing friends {had sex with most of them}, played with many music "greats" during my time in NYC, and had just begun to get over the proverbial "hump" in the music business.

Sounds like everyone I know in the biz, TS or not.  Except I don't think - save being Pink Floyd - that you ever get over the hump.  There is always one more show, one more night, one more recording session, one more.  After all, everything you've done is in the past, so what are you doing now?

At any rate: this But with the impending recession I tell myself I would be crazy to not take it is the one, true, unavoidable fact.  Think long and hard on it.

Thanks for the replies.  It's definitely a hard decision, no matter which way you slice it.  That's the thing, I'm not even sure it's the right decision for ME.  When I moved away from NYC I was trying to get close with family because I was pretty depressed from the solidarity I was living in.  But then again, I was still paranoid about passing and I am certainly not now.  I heard more at work yesterday about, "They want this same entire team going to the next job."  I took that to mean me as well.  I'm definitely going to see where it leads.

Quote from: tekla on April 04, 2008, 12:46:24 PMSounds like everyone I know in the biz, TS or not.  Except I don't think - save being Pink Floyd - that you ever get over the hump.  There is always one more show, one more night, one more recording session, one more.  After all, everything you've done is in the past, so what are you doing now?

What I meant by the "hump" was you stop looking for work and work starts looking for you.  And I don't mean literally.  I had lots of people physically calling me for work.  That's how it works.  Another way everybody "in the biz" has of saying it is "paying your dues".  It's like you are recognized by the elders as having been on the scene long enough that you've done the gigs nobody like doing, the "->-bleeped-<- gigs", you're established, you can obviously play, so let's get down to business.  Most of the more intelligient, talented, and successful musicians I knew believed that if you came on the scene in your early twenties, sometimes you might have to "pay your dues" until your mid-thirties.  Once you're over the hump, the work continues for many decades to come, but it's on a different level. 

I often am resentful for having to give up my chosen profession to change genders, compared to the girls I see around here who come out of the sorority with a job lined up in their field, and they won't have to give it all up to become a girl.  They were BORN that way.

How do you want to live pre-op?

The way I have always lived, presented myself and appeared I have always lived a female persona...and no matter if I have had GRS or not doesn't make any difference to the way I am, look or want to live my life.....so nothing has changed.

Living in England hasn't been very beneficial to me so far and despite being in transition for more than 10 years.....I still need two psychiatric referrals for GRS and need to earn the finances to pay for the operation. In the past I made a big mistake in going through the U.K's NHS system which has unfortunitely delayed things by about 7 years. Prior to that I may have been in a better position financially to pay for my treatment.

Quote from: amy2003 on April 04, 2008, 11:30:37 PM
What I meant by the "hump" was you stop looking for work and work starts looking for you.  And I don't mean literally.  I had lots of people physically calling me for work.  That's how it works.  Another way everybody "in the biz" has of saying it is "paying your dues".  It's like you are recognized by the elders as having been on the scene long enough that you've done the gigs nobody like doing, the "->-bleeped-<- gigs", you're established, you can obviously play, so let's get down to business.  Most of the more intelligient, talented, and successful musicians I knew believed that if you came on the scene in your early twenties, sometimes you might have to "pay your dues" until your mid-thirties.  Once you're over the hump, the work continues for many decades to come, but it's on a different level. 

Even though I've been making my living by music for the last 25 years, and I do OK, it still sometimes feels like I'm "paying my dues". Transition didn't help either, basically if I want to work, I gotta wear male clothing. 

Z

GRS is just a surgery, but outside of sex, it does not change ones life if one is already living full time. 

I really do not see the need to move away and start over, but considering you live in the south, it is best you move to a state where you actually have legal protections and are not considered a second class citizen, with or without surgery.  As stealth as you may want to be or think you are, it matters very little if one does not have rights and is surrounded by the conservatism (and often bigotry) that is so pervasive in the south.  My advice, is move on, but move on to a place where you have legal protections.  I would look to the states that have passed gender identity laws, not single one of those states is southern.

If you want to move on realize there is paper trail regarding your past, whether you realize it or not.  One can only be so "stealth".  This is especially true in the south, where transsexuals are treated as second class citizens or worst.

My advice...West Coast. MN, IL, Iowa, New Mexico, Colorado, DC, VT, NJ

There you have rights.  In the south you do not.  Plain and simple.  Move north, move west, or move east, but get the HELL out of the south.  No transsexual, or queer person in general, should live in the south.  It is to live without rights.  It is to live under bigotry, queerphobia and conservatism.  If you have to move...get yourself out of the south in general.

PS I live in DC.  I have rights here, including the right to change my ID without surgery.  But also numerous protections that go beyond that.  If one has to live pre-op, or even post-op, it is best to live somewhere where one has full protections under the law.  The south will probably be the last states to enshrine those protections, in fact it will probably happen on a federal level before a single southern state passes legal protections.  As such, I think no one should live or work in the south if they are transsexual.  You are wasting your time, and exposing yourself to legal discrimination.

Quote from: Zythyra on April 05, 2008, 08:06:39 PMEven though I've been making my living by music for the last 25 years, and I do OK, it still sometimes feels like I'm "paying my dues". Transition didn't help either, basically if I want to work, I gotta wear male clothing. 

Do you mean you have to actually present as a male, or that clothing for musicians tend to be more masculine in nature?  When I worked as a sideman as a woman I could present myself as a woman, but had to wear the appropriate clothing for a sideman... pants, blazer, bow tie, but everything else was fair game... make-up, heels, jewelry, etc.  I couldn't complain though because the is what other female sidemen wore.

Quote from: Amy T. on April 06, 2008, 11:46:24 AMGRS is just a surgery, but outside of sex, it does not change ones life if one is already living full time.

Perhaps you are post-op and therefore have more experience in this than me, but I disagree.  First of all, you talk about sex as though that's all there is to it.  There is a lot to being in a romantic and sexual relationship, and the majority of it is affected by having the wrong genitals.  Second, it's frequently uncomfortable to have a penis, unless I were to wear boxers and baggy jeans.  I don't mean uncomfortable ALL the time, but enough to piss me off.  And third, I don't feel much like a woman walking around with one.  That's the biggest reason of all that I want surgery... not to just look like a woman, but to feel like one.

Quote from: Amy T. on April 06, 2008, 11:46:24 AMIf you want to move on realize there is paper trail regarding your past, whether you realize it or not.  One can only be so "stealth".  This is especially true in the south, where transsexuals are treated as second class citizens or worst.

A paper trail is only a worry if you give your friends, employers, or the general public a reason to check it.  I haven't met a single friend or co-worker yet who will run a background check on a girl for the hell of it.  The only exception to this would be a pre-employment screening, and I have had three different jobs and had no problem at any.

Quote from: Amy T. on April 06, 2008, 11:46:24 AMI really do not see the need to move away and start over, but considering you live in the south, it is best you move to a state where you actually have legal protections and are not considered a second class citizen, with or without surgery.  As stealth as you may want to be or think you are, it matters very little if one does not have rights and is surrounded by the conservatism (and often bigotry) that is so pervasive in the south.  My advice, is move on, but move on to a place where you have legal protections.  I would look to the states that have passed gender identity laws, not single one of those states is southern.

My advice...West Coast. MN, IL, Iowa, New Mexico, Colorado, DC, VT, NJ

There you have rights.  In the south you do not.  Plain and simple.  Move north, move west, or move east, but get the HELL out of the south.  No transsexual, or queer person in general, should live in the south.  It is to live without rights.  It is to live under bigotry, queerphobia and conservatism.  If you have to move...get yourself out of the south in general.

PS I live in DC.  I have rights here, including the right to change my ID without surgery.  But also numerous protections that go beyond that.  If one has to live pre-op, or even post-op, it is best to live somewhere where one has full protections under the law.  The south will probably be the last states to enshrine those protections, in fact it will probably happen on a federal level before a single southern state passes legal protections.  As such, I think no one should live or work in the south if they are transsexual.  You are wasting your time, and exposing yourself to legal discrimination.

"As stealth as you may want to be or think you are"?  That sounds like you are dubious that I really am stealth?  But if what you say about the south being full of bigots and conservatism were true, AND I was not stealth, then I would have already been burned on a cross in the town square when my paper trail caught up with me, wouldn't I? 

I will definitely agree that the laws in this lovely state of mine have no protections for me as a transexual, and for that I get angry often.  I also I agree that there are bigots in the south, and that I have a paper trail which may give away my past, but both can't be true at the same time.  But then again...

Quote from: Amy T. on April 06, 2008, 11:46:24 AMYou are wasting your time

That has to be the most quote-worthy statement in you post.

Quote from: amy2003 on April 06, 2008, 10:11:50 PM
Do you mean you have to actually present as a male, or that clothing for musicians tend to be more masculine in nature?  When I worked as a sideman as a woman I could present myself as a woman, but had to wear the appropriate clothing for a sideman... pants, blazer, bow tie, but everything else was fair game... make-up, heels, jewelry, etc.  I couldn't complain though because the is what other female sidemen wore.

Amy,

When I transitioned and came out to other musicians who I regularly worked with, everyone said, fine, no problem. After a few times of showing up for gigs in skirts and women's clothing, it quickly became "not fine". I lost a lot of work during my year plus RLT. Granted, it was 1993 and I lived in a rural area of the south. A year later I was asked if I could show up for a gig in male clothing, I said yes, and so started getting work again with the same people. It was a very difficult situation.

Now I live in rural NH, and it's pretty much the same, if I want to work as a musician in the genre and type of gigs I get, and continue teaching music lessons, I need to present as male. So I tie my hair back in a pony tail and wear a nice shirt and black slacks. I've managed not to wear a jacket and tie at a gig for years so I can mostly deal with it.

Zythyra