My username basically sums me up – confused and puzzled

I'm AMAB in my early forties living in the North of Scotland. Just 21 months ago I by chance thought that I should maybe Google what transgender actually meant, since I was increasingly seeing the term come up, and only had a very vague idea. I've had access to the internet since 1994 and never once thought about it before, since it didn't relate to me... did it? Wow, how could I have been so completely and utterly oblivious all these years!

So, since last year I've been stuck questioning whether I'm trans or not. It could explain probably everything about my life. The lifetime curiosity with female clothing since the age of 5, always having an excessive/envious interest in any gender swapping stuff anywhere (books, TV, films, etc), never fitting in with any social groups, 'acting' male just doesn't seem to come naturally, hating my own appearance and avoiding being photographed, and for at least the last 23 years, some unknown cause for persistent depression, seemingly resistant to medication, with social anxiety thrown in for the fun of it, resulting in complete social isolation outside of work. There's more than what I've mentioned here, but you get the general idea.

As I work in a technical field, my logical mind wants definitive proof, which is why I've been completely stuck for several months, and at the same time ignoring the little voice somewhere in my mind saying "you're trans as f#$k!". Every single spare waking moment is spent browsing forums, reading articles, watching videos, and in general going around in circles in my mind, over a problem that I know is not logical, but instead deals with feelings. Unfortunately, due to my apparent long-term depression (or is it really dysphoria, or both), my ability to feel anything is greatly reduced, if not almost burnt out completely.

Back in April of this year, my head was in such a mess I went to my GP, explained my issue, declined the offer of more anti-depressants, and asked to be referred to a gender therapist instead. Well, it seems there's only the GIC I could be referred to, and that's not a fast process. Luckily it only took six months, but the local GIC doesn't currently have the resources I'm looking for, and can only refer me to another one, which is at least another several months wait...

So here I am, waiting for my next referal. Desperate to try and figure out who I truly am (depressed occasional closeted crossdresser, transwoman, or something else), to accept it, and to get on and make whatever changes are necessary to have some chance of happiness, but instead I'm going nowhere fast.

If you got this far, then thanks for reading! I'll likely post some specific questions very soon.

Regards,

Confuzled

@Confuzled   
Dear Confuzled:
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    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

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Welcome Confuzled!

Yes, you have a hard situation to sort out.  A mixture of social anxiety, isolation, and possible gender issues.  You certainly don't want to make the mistake of transitioning just because you think it will help your other issues,  thinking that will make easier. Or mistaking dysphoria for an autistic special interest.  Male mannerisms are learned, so your difficulty with them may indicate a learning, rather than gender issue.  Finding someone who has the expertise to sort this out for you may be a challenge.

You may also have issues created by a stressful work environment. It has taken many years for me to accept that the customers at work are going to misgender me if I present as male, and devalue my work if I present as female. 

Quote from: Confuzled on November 23, 2018, 09:13:15 PM
So, since last year I've been stuck questioning whether I'm trans or not. It could explain probably everything about my life. The lifetime curiosity with female clothing since the age of 5, always having an excessive/envious interest in any gender swapping stuff anywhere (books, TV, films, etc), never fitting in with any social groups, 'acting' male just doesn't seem to come naturally, hating my own appearance and avoiding being photographed, and for at least the last 23 years, some unknown cause for persistent depression, seemingly resistant to medication, with social anxiety thrown in for the fun of it, resulting in complete social isolation outside of work. There's more than what I've mentioned here, but you get the general idea.

Hi, Confuzled.

Your story reads very much like mine.  Except, instead of investigating in my forties, like you are doing, I tried to bury it until my sixies.  I wish I had done the investigation when I first started wondering. *sigh*  You will see a common theme among the stories of late transitioners: dysphoria doesn't stay buried.

Quote
As I work in a technical field, my logical mind wants definitive proof

Um, yeah, good luck with that!   Unfortunately, there is no definitive proof.  There are indications, and a good gender therapist will help you sort them out and determine their significance.  But ultimately, only you can make the determination.  The indications you have told us about certainly support a conclusion that you are transgender, but only you can say for sure.

In my case, reviewing similar indications from my life, I became 99% sure that I was trans.  I went to a therapist mostly to ensure that there were no counter-indications.  My experiences starting HRT and being out part-time removed any remaining uncertainty, and I went full-time quite quickly. 

I still have revelations where I will recall some trivial event and suddenly find that it makes sense in a way it never did before, in the light of being trans.

I know that your waiting lists in the U.K. are insane, even compared to ours in Canada, which are bad enough.  So I wish you good luck in resolving your puzzlement, and patience on your journey.

I grew up in Scotland, in Glasgow, until I was 10 and we emigrated to Canada.  I remember travelling to Aberdeen and Inverness to visit my grandmother.

Hi Confuzled 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

It could be that you are a visual person that would benefit from seeing a map of your mind!  What sorts of things to you enjoy? What sorts of things cause you stress?  Are their activities that boost your energy?  Stuff you can do all weekend?

Having a map may help you better navigate your way through life.  I've learned to be careful when I take too many hits of "negative energy."

Hi Confuzled.

Sounds a lot like my experience. Looking back I wonder how I didn't figure it out earlier. Actually I did figure it out, but pressures of society and fear helped me suppress the realization for a long time.

It's hard to put into words, but if you know, you know. That's probably not very helpful.

What I do know is that I am on the transitioning journey, my social isolation has been greatly reduced, and despite the challenges of being woman, it is working for me.

Maybe you are at the start of that same journey.

Good luck.

~Dee.

Welcome Confuzled! My story reads almost exactly like yours, though I'm in my fifties & wish I'd started at least ten years ago. Still, everything at the right time and all that... Ten years ago I was a different person and living in the dark on trans issues. In short, I wasn't ready to accept my present changes, even if someone had pointed them out to me. So, you're not alone in how your journey has played out.

You can look on where you are now in two ways:

A: Either you're exploring every possibility to try and nail down what's wrong in your life - or

B: You've taken the first brave step or two on the right road. If so, you're much further on than you think, as many people out there are in complete denial, totally in the closet or are too afraid to come out. Actually going to a Doctor indicates a fair amount of bravery and facing up to the issues.

I wish you well, whatever the outcome.

Hugs,

Johnni xoxo