Hey, I'm Lauren. I'm a trans woman. (TL;DR at the bottom)

Edit: I'm 25 years old.

(TW: abuse, cancer, depression, transphobia)

I joined this forum a while ago checking in every once in a while to see how things are going and what people are posting. This is my first post so to say "hello" I'm gonna explain my situation in life. Buckle in, it's going to be a long ride.

I came out on January 1st 2017. Most of my family "disowned" me (some of them pretend to like me and misgender and deadname me so I don't spend time with or speak with them ever). Of those that are supportive I have an aunt and uncle, two cousins (one of whom is trans), a couple lesbian great aunts and their daughter and her girlfriend. I have a couple other supportive (or mostly supportive) family members that I moved away from and I don't talk to very often.

When I came out I was living with a domestic abuser and her girlfriend. Less than a week later I had to call the cops on the abuser and she was sent to jail and told she couldn't live with us anymore for a month. Her girlfriend couldn't work and I couldn't afford living there and paying rent by myself so I left. I knew my family was horrible (they had been abusing me for years) so I moved a long ways away to live with my aunt and uncle that were supportive. I left all of my friends.

I have found a roommate that is wonderful and I love living with her even if she and her boyfriend fight a lot (which triggers me so I hide in my room when they do).

I have a wonderful boyfriend that I have been dating for almost two years now. He is going through his fourth time having cancer. I can't see him because we're polyamorous and he's introduced his other partner as his girlfriend to his family. The cancer is getting worse and his family is around all the time so I have visited him a total of three times since he got cancer this spring. We used to talk every day and now he barely has the energy to message me once every few days.

I hate dating but have a couple of guys I'm talking to. Don't know if I could bear being with either of them for emotional reasons.

I started HRT about four months ago and so far things are going okay. I'm liking the changes although recently I've found it hard to not get emotional (I'm bipolar as well).

I am severely depressed and have been for most of my life to varying degrees. I barely remember anything that happened to me before 2017.

I'm not close enough to any of the trans people I know to even consider them friends (besides my cousin but he's pretty young).

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I suppose what I'm saying is I want someone to talk to. I have a therapist (and they're trans!) but I need some sense of community. I don't like going out of the house (unless forced to for work and stuff) so I can't make friends. I don't really have any friends besides my roommate. I'm sitting here at my laptop stuck at work because my replacement didn't show up (I'm a home care aide). I have to be up all night and I don't have my medications so I'm going to go mad and I don't know what to do but this. 

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TL;DR: I'm severely depressed, abused by my parents, can't remember much before 2017, my boyfriend has cancer and might die, I don't have any friends, and I don't know many trans people so I'm coming here. At least I'm transitioning.

Hi, LaurenLucy!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am sorry that you feel so isolated.  It is never easy when family are not supportive.  At least you have some supportive extended family.

Is there a support group near you?  Your therapist may know of one.  It would mean getting out of the house; pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone is a part of this transition journey that we are on.  Support groups are a good way to meet people in real life that we can relate to.

Certainly there is an active community here on Susan's Place, and you will find lots in common with many members here.  People have formed lasting friendships here.  But online friends are no substitute for real-life friends.

Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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Quote from: KathyLauren on November 28, 2018, 07:55:07 AM
Hi, LaurenLucy!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am sorry that you feel so isolated.  It is never easy when family are not supportive.  At least you have some supportive extended family.

Is there a support group near you?  Your therapist may know of one.  It would mean getting out of the house; pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone is a part of this transition journey that we are on.  Support groups are a good way to meet people in real life that we can relate to.

Certainly there is an active community here on Susan's Place, and you will find lots in common with many members here.  People have formed lasting friendships here.  But online friends are no substitute for real-life friends.

Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hey KathyLauren, thank you for the response.

I'm very grateful for the family I have and I try to spend time with them when I can. 

Maybe meeting up with a support group would be okay. It's just so overwhelming to think about.

I lurked around the forums all night. Everyone here seems really nice and I'm excited to get to know all of you.

Thank you.

@laurenlucy
Dear LaurenLucy
    I am very happy to see that you decided to join the Susan's Place site.

    I also see that our lovely member  @KathyLauren   has already welcomed you to Susan's Place.     

    Thank you for telling us about yourself... and as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that  KathyLauren  included in her welcome message.  You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
    Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Hi Lauren, welcome to Susan's Place, I'm Jessica!
You share the experience of many here.  Loss of friends and family unfortunately can happen when transitioning.  Education is a key that can unlock the door for them to understanding, but it is sometimes left closed by the unwilling.
It's good that you aren't entirely abandoned and those relationships that do show a degree of acceptance should be nurtured as best you can.  That type of support is helpful if available.
Kathy's suggestion to find a support group can be a huge blessing if there is one nearby.
But know this about Susan's Place, we are all supportive of each other and try to give a warm hug and ideas as best we can.
Thank you for posting, it helps you and others in similar situations.

Hugs, Jessica 🌸🌸🌸

Hi Lauren 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you all! I'm glad to have found you. <3

Lauren Lucy,  I agree with Kathy Lauren,  online forums are great, I made several real life friends from online forums.  You can ask advice, read the experiences of others and learn from them and when you are alone they are a good substitute for having someone by your side.

Real life, so to speak is also important.  Depending where you are located try to find a support group.  I have found several where I live near Mpls.  One is at the transgender center at the university that I see my therapist and had my surgery.  Another I found a transgender group through facebook that meets every other Saturday and there are Meetup groups as well.

And in time you may meet friends right here especially if you remain active.

This site and others like it are great especially during tough times but also incorporate in person friends and support as well.  Online support is just part of the puzzle albeit an important part.

I am glad I am here and that you are too !!

laurenlucy!!!🙋‍♀️

Sounds like your life is not one lacking in challenges my dear little sister yet... through it all, you are moving towards what you want and need... a life that reflects the truth of who you are!... Congrats on your brave step forward with HRT!!! 😀👍

I'd like to share a few random observations and thoughts about what you have written above...

HRT, as you know... is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as we start to experience feelings, emotions, the world and other people in new and different ways... before HRT for me... I felt like I lived somewhere where there was little difference between the seasons... HRT felt like experiencing all the seasons in their full glory... as they were meant to be felt!... But, that means there are some very dark winter nights emotionally as well... 🌺🙏

When that is coupled with bipolar swings it can be extra important to work with your doctor in finding the best hormone levels for you to feel on top of things... it can make a huge difference in how you feel and how ready you feel to cope with life's many challenges!!! 😀👍

It sounds like many of your challenges that concern you most involve other people... family disowning you is terrible but it is a failure in them... not in you... the essence of their behavior is an attempt to punish ...or change...  or keep you from expressing the truth of who you are and instead... go back into hiding and pretending so they feel better... how wrong is that little sister?

Family connections are strong and we seek to have them in working condition but, right now they seem to be creating more problems than answers for you... if setting them lovingly aside in your life would help right now... to be taken up and reimagined and remade later... consider that as a strategy... People, in general, not just family can be a constant source of disappoinment when we place too much expectations in what we want out of them... In the end, the only thing we can expect from others is to be who they are... place this as your only expectation and then decide if the relationship is one to hold onto or, perhaps you are better served by letting the relationship fall away...

Life can be so very complicated and transition adds another complicated layer of challenges... don't feel overwhelmed girl... the journey of 1000 steps is taken one at a time!!!... You are young and I want you to recognize that these challenges you are dealing with are a part of learning and growing the solutions and lessons in these experiences will serve you well in the years to come... There are many common threads between all of us here on this forum and you have more friends than you know... yet!!! 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

All good things to you as you find your way forward!!!

Onward we go brave little sister,

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌻🙏

@laurenlucy

Thank you @KimOct and @tgirlamg for the kind words.

I just sent a few messages to my boyfriend saying that I don't know if I can be polyamorous anymore. I don't know what that means for the two of us but I'm leaving that up to him. He may break up with me. I'm just way too attached to him to be kept away from him like this anymore. If we were just friends from the beginning I would have been able to see him through his treatments but I think he's too worried at this point that I will get too emotional if I see him when his family is there, which will reveal that we are more than friends. Of course, I don't think being just friends will make my feelings for him go away. It's too late for that.

Recently he expressed to me that he was worried I would find someone else and leave him (at least I think so, sometimes his messages are all jumbled up because of the pain meds). I don't think I could handle being with anyone else at this point anyway even if I did just want a second partner or something. He also told me he doesn't really express his feelings very well to people or talk to them much, even his other partners or his parents. I'm worried about him.

He may not respond to my messages for a long time, and when he does I don't know if he'll be coherent. He told me a couple days ago that something traumatic happened the day before but he doesn't remember any of it. He's back on chemo after starting an experimental treatment. A few weeks ago he told me they said they're "running out of options" as far as cancer treatment goes. I've never cried this much and this hard in my entire life, and I thought I was emotional before I started hormones... hah

Lauren - I am so sorry for what you are going through.  And I don't have easy answers.  I could spend a couple pages telling you my troubles throughout my life (there have been good times too ) but comparing problems is not the point.

The point is that everything in life changes.  Someday very soon these problems will be different - you may have some new ones but great things also.  My Mom always used to tell me 'this too shall pass'  That includes the really hard stuff.

You have a long life in front of you, 5 or 10 years from now today's problems will be a memory, the challenge is to learn from problems.

Regarding your relationship status I have been fighting cancer for 7 years - cost me a kidney.  I have sympathy and empathy for you and your boyfriend.   I have zero problem with anyone that is 'poly'  but I couldn't do it.  Just not how I am wired.  You need to decide if it fits for you.  If so great, if you are doing it just to hang on then you may want to re-think that.

My very best wishes for you.

Hi Lauren,

Online communities are great. I am a late starter, (just like my transitioning, ha), so have only been involved in online forums and the like for about a year. And at Susan's Place it's only been weeks.

But what I want to say is that I think that even if they are not like real life, they are still places of genuine belonging and acceptance.

Welcome.

~Dee