Hello everyone,

I realize I could probably post this in the Introductions Thread, but since I thought some other questions I'm really wanting feedback on are given context by my intro, I am here! If you have the time and inclination, I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation and introduce myself **Warning, this is a long post!**

I am pre-transition, MtF. Since before puberty, I've been reading about transition, cross-dressing, and really longing to live the way I genuinely wish to, with the body I want as much as possible. My early days involved researching stuff on the internet super late at night to hide from my transphobic family. Now that I'm an independent adult, I'm able to seriously pursue transition and am very excited!

A few years ago, I was approved for hormones. But, I chickened-out and convinced myself it wasn't what I wanted, giving up. Since then, I've re-considered and changed my mind more than several times. This state of limbo is wearing on me. And finally, I'm making the decision to just move forward since it is the only thing I haven't tried to ease the dysphoria and confusion I've had for so long.

However, some fears about the practicality of transitioning are causing me enormous hesitation once again....I've scheduled with my doctor for a month from now to see yet again about starting the process. Due to my reservations, I'm furiously researching them and reaching out for support, experience and insight. If you happen to have any thoughts on the concerns I'm listing below, or can share related experience, I'd more than love to hear them! Here goes..

1) I am looking for a new job and it's very important that I land and keep one soon. I'm concerned that if I start Estrogen (I'd prefer this over anti-androgens) now and get hired at a new place, I'll start "showing" several months into the job. I'm nervous my new employer may react very negatively if I am unable to hide my changing appearance and that I may not be able to hold the job. Do you have any experience with situations like this? What advice for approaching it might you be able to offer? One suggestion I've heard is to just look for a new job when I can't hide things anymore. But at the same time, I have a hard believing an employer could terminate me for being trans without risking legal trouble. What do you think?

2) I am very tall, 6ft 1in. My shoulders are obviously masculine and broad. I'm built like a line-backer! My jaw has a pretty pronounced under-bite that was never corrected. I'm not ugly as a guy by any means, I just know these things might be hard to hide as far as passing goes. With cross-dressing, I've found some things I can wear to draw attention away from the shoulders (Dresses, long skirts and vertical patterns seem to help, along with darker colors), or ways I can do my hair to obscure my jaw in a flattering way. However, I feel like these restrict my wardrobe options quite a bit and I do not like that because I'm quite passionate about outfits and clothes . Do you have any suggestions for how to manage unchangeable features like this? I'm more concerned about the shoulders and chest, since I know FFS may be able to improve the jaw issue.

3) With it seeming like it'll be difficult for me to pass, the possibility of social isolation is really weighing on me, and I'm very tempted to flake on proceeding again. But I really do not want to! In my personal life, I've recently made excellent progress overcoming social isolation and loneliness and I'm concerned transitioning while not passing well will just bring those issues right back into my life. Does this make sense? What are your experiences with this sort of worry? Can you think of any good practical suggestions for addressing it?

I really appreciate meeting everyone and your taking time to read this! Very much looking forward to talking with you!

-HC <3

P.S. Since it might be helpful to know, I am seeing a counselor who works on all of this with me. Addressing my hesitation and confusion is one of our therapy goals.

Hey Hannah - I'm just a newbie myself, but I'd like to try & help...

1. On the jobs front, maybe if you check what the company's LGBT policies are, particularly on transitioning employees, you'd get a head-start on what to expect. Or flat-out tell them at the interview stage that it's something you're considering in the future.

2. Baggier clothes above the waist might draw attention away from the shoulders and downwards to whatever you're wearing below the waist? Also, if you kind of face away or a little side-wards, it narrows the shoulders in a profile front-on view. I also think you'll find your own overall fashion style, however things pan out.

3. Only you can weigh up the pro's & cons of where you're going... If you think you're going to regret not transitioning later in life, then that kind of answers things for you. As for social isolation, it some cases it comes with the territory, as in some people's reaction to coming out. For the most part, I found the majority of local people in my area are accepting, though there's always going to be a minority who will pour scorn on whatever you're doing. Those same people didn't like me even before I started transitioning anyway & those who were warm & friendly stayed that way after the news broke. For the disapprovers, that's their problem, not mine's.

The other thing to consider is the amount of transphobia kind of nationwide or internationally, and the high murder rate of trans people + violence used against us. (Just pointing that out, as it would be foolish to ignore it.) Though I find that in a smaller local area where people know you, less of that gets voiced, as you're someone they're familiar with.

It all comes down to - will you allow a minority of transphobes dictate your personal life, or do it anyway, with or without their approval?

Hope that helps,

Hugs,

Johnni xoxo

Hi Hannah 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

Hi, Hannah, and welcome!

Your fears are pretty normal.  I let them hold me back for literally decades!  (I am 64.)  It will be better to face them sooner than I did.

The answer to #1 may depend on where you live.  Some parts of the world have legal protections for gender identity, some do not.  You should research the laws where you live.  If you live in an area without legal protections, then you should research the company you are considering working for, to see if they have company protections for LGBTQ+ employees.  If the situation is extreme, you might consider moving to a place that does have legal protections.

2. Some physical attributes, you can do something about, some you can't.  Shoulders and chest, you are pretty much stuck with, I am afraid.  There are some pretty large, solidly-built cis women (we used to call them big-boned farm girls), so you won't necessarily fail to pass. 

I know one trans lady who works as a roadie for touring musicians.  She is built like an amazon, but she is a force of nature.  She has a very outgoing personality, and she is one of the top people in her field internationally, so by the end of a weekend run, she has even redneck transphobic local labourers eating out of her hand and treating her with respect.  Being large doesn't have to be a problem.

3. Do not underestimate your eventual ability to pass.  It won't happen overnight, but it could happen.  Check out the "before and after" thread for examples.  Passing involves a lot more than how you look.  How you move, how you speak, and how you relate to others can form the majority of people's perception of you.

Many of us grew up socially isolated because of being trans.  I wasn't allowed to be a part of girls' social groups because I was perceived as being a boy.  Yet I couldn't be a part of boys' social groups because my brain just wasn't programmed that way: I was really a girl.  I think that is fairly typical.

Now, well into my transition, I find socializing to be much easier.  I am still learning how to behave as a woman, but I am accepted in women's groups.  Transition itself has broken down some of my barriers.  I read many similar stories on these forums.  I will never be as outgoing as my friend the roadie, but I have certainly changed.

Ultimately, the decision is yours.  Would you rather continue living as a man, with its familiarity, but with dysphoria periodically biting your butt, or would you rather live as a woman, with a bit of a learning curve, but knowing that you are becoming your true self?

Hi Hannah, welcome to Susan's Place! Just be yourself, if you pass, you pass. Believing in passing is the same as believing you can only be a boy or a girl. I don't confine myself to a tiny world like that.  . See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Wow! I am very encouraged by all the supportive and understanding replies! Thanks so much for your feedback, sharing and advice.

Ill send individual replies later on,  but just wanted to say thank you in the meantime, and that Ill post on introductions asap

Hugs!