Hello everyone, you may call me Asher and I come to this forum seeking advice, friends, tips and support as I figure out more about myself and what I am. I see myself as male even though I was born female, so I'm FtM. It wasn't something that was obviously so, but far more subtle. I don't think these subtleties were as apparent until puberty hit. Once breasts started growing in I could no longer go topless, I was told by my best friend that I couldn't join up for wrestling because I was "too shapely" and I absolutely freaked when I got my first period. I also freaked when I found out babies grow inside a woman's body and from then on, I knew I wasn't going to let that happen to me. I always got mad whenever people expected me to carry a baby inside me.
My family has always been very traditional when it comes to female roles. Mom always got after me for not being lady like enough. It's not like I didn't try, I tried make up and eventually realized I hated it. I wore bras constantly throughout puberty hoping my breasts wouldn't grow any bigger. I absolutely hate the things that are on my chest now and want them gone stat. Having my periods go away would be nice too, along with being able to stand up and pee. I felt proud when I started working out and nearly beat my dad at arm wrestling, and he said "You're as strong as a guy!" it made me feel great! But let's be honest, women are strong too in their own way. But I'm not strong in the way I want to be, I want to be strong in a man's way, not a woman's way but I support any woman for being strong too, especially since I totally get what it's like!
I think the only thing that might throw some people off is the fact that I like cute fuzzy things, but I don't see why I can't like that stuff and still think of myself as male. I'm not even crazy about foot ball, but I love video games. So I'm more of a "nerdy male" type. I really do hate stereotypes to be honest. I don't see why I can't be manly and still love cats.
I'm also pansexual, and deeply in love with my girlfriend. I count myself very lucky to be in a relationship with a fellow trans individual because I can understand how confusing it would be for some of our loved ones who are cisgendered to come to terms with it. She faces the challenge of being MtF, and she's a lot more quiet about who and what she is. I support her 100%, and she gives me the same support. I'm thankful that we came to the conclusion that we'd love each other no matter what our genitals were. It's a beautiful thing, and we have a beautiful relationship that's lasted over 11 years. I kind of feel like we're in disguise most of the time, but it would be nice if we could be ourselves too. For now, we keep it to ourselves, but I also decided it would be great if I joined a support forum for advice.
Realizing I'm trans wasn't something that happened over night and it wasn't an obvious thing either. It was just little things over time that added up. I considered I might even be non-binary for a while, and I might still be in the end. But for now, I'm going with FtM.
The challenge is really, knowing how some of our friends and family might react. So it's kind of nice to come somewhere where I can test the water as a guy, and go from there. I considered small changes, like chest binding, getting a packer and maybe doing T. I do want top surgery, but I'm not 100% sure about the bottom yet. I want a penis for sure, no doubts there and I want my periods to end yesterday along with the crazy hormonal ups and downs that come with PMS. (I also really hate going to the doctor and being asked the question, "when was your last period?" It never occurred to me until recently how little questions like that have always made me feel dysphoric. Saying a woman's strength is in her ability to give birth does too!). For personal reasons I don't really want to get into though, I do want to keep my vagina. Is that possible? Attach a penis without closing that off? I still want the masculine appearance of a man but that's literally the one thing I want to keep. I also think that's why I might still lean toward non-binary than male, but you could say I'm mostly male inside, so we'll go with that.
Another obstacle of course is finances. I'm not sure if we can afford the expensive surgeries, especially in the United States and moving to another country really isn't a viable option either.
Also, I want to overcome the gender stereotypes that have been ingrained in my head for most of my life. I'm also hoping this forum can help with that.
If you want to know what to call me, he/him and they/them are acceptable terms.
Thank you.
