Thanks Randy. I did just that. If not for work planning dinners with clients, I'd be out every night this week. I could just show up and say surprise. Think that would go over well?

Some of the folks I work with asked why I was in such a good mood this afternoon. Guess it's the lack of sleep, or the cough syrup. Haven't felt the greatest past few days. 50* temp change every few days is getting to me. Couldn't have been the EV injection before work. 

I like those boots! 

@JudiBluEyes

Thanks. They're my most comfortable yet. They're from Lane Bryant.

My how time fly's. Nov 5th still seems like last week. Since then I've been out a bunch. Went to a holiday party, and then my first gay bar. Yeah dance clubs are still not my thing. Happy with a good pub. Started electrolysis and plan to alternate laser when able. One problem HRT took hold rather rapidly. At this point I guess this is a result of low T for many years. Anyway what body hair that comes back now takes days not hours to reappear. It seems to be coming back finer and lighter as well. Facial hair while not reduced now takes 2 days for 5 o'clock shadow to be previous level. I'm having to go at least 4 days without shaving prior to electo shock therapy. J/K it's not that bad yet. Only 3 hrs in so far. Getting the thin spots and the stuff laser won't touch. Only using anti inflammatory and a little ice immediately afterwards. A bit red about like getting brows waxed/threaded a few hours after treatment lasting overnight. Swelling has stayed for up to 36 hours in more sensitive spots. Physical changes continue skin continues to soften, face changes either from diet or hrt are noticeable. Speaking of food I've lost all will power this past week. I've lived a HFLC lifestyle for almost a year with no cravings or cheats. I blame the holidays and hormones for carb cravings and cheating the past week. Still at same weight though. I'll go back to HFLC after tomorrow. One painful observation I'm starting to see stars if a nipple gets caught. Got bumped in the chest during a painful period and about lost my breath. At this point starting to think getting punched in boob hurts worse than well you know. This presents an all new problem in public. Seeing my voice coach weekly. I feel I've made good progress but know I have a ways to go. My homework is often watching movies and then practice paragraphs with similar inflections as characters in movie. I continue to see my therapist,  but feel no progress is being made. I've spent past three or four sessions giving back story. He's easy to talk to at least and has lots of experience with trans folks. Doesn't hurt he's part of the family as well. On the home front we continue to operate under don't ask don't tell. My goal for the holiday season has been not to rock the boat. Deal with opening up more after holidays. Since last therapy session I was told to be aware and take note of things during the season. Well let's just say it's going to be Siberia when/if I come out to family. I have at most 2 slightly possible allies between both our families. TMI ahead maybe. I feel I have a mild case of GD for most part. I'm sorta Ok with body, and believe in making the best of it with what ya got. SO has been distant for a year now.  No physical intimacy since sept/oct, work travel kids etc. I earned  brownie points earlier today. The dry spell is over. I can confirm as others have stated YMMV but things still work on HRT. There are changes but overall good grief I think they change for the better. I just hope endurance improves the sensitivity is going through the roof. Orgasms yes that's plural.  Easier to have multi without a intermission. First one sorta like normal. Second was whole body without typical release. May have been my first female one. Requires further investigation. Oh the hardships. One final thought. Either I'm getting older or it's not as easy to carry heavy objects now.

Shouting into the void again, but Does anyone else feel less need to dress and be out after starting HRT? Could be I'm in a funk towards the end of a cycle. Getting an adjustment at next appointment in a few weeks. As I also just want to get comfy and read a good book/watch movie around this time as well. Don't get me wrong I love going out. Now I do think less about dressing. I guess that used to be a major outlet for dysphoria. Now I'm thinking  it's less about presentation and more about just me no matter what. Don't think I'll ever reach male fail without transplants or wig at least.  Since starting HRT I feel a lot better and in turn dysphoria is way down. So much so to the point, I now wonder can I continue in this state without fully transitioning. If I stop HRT I know the flood gates will open and I definitely don't want to go back. Before HRT I wanted it all. Now I just want to exist. Could be a bit of fear of the next steps, coming out to family, causing hesitation as well. Time will tell. Enough rambling for now. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

I think once we "normalize" the need isn't as pressing and we do relax a bit.  So don't worry about changing thoughts.   It's just that you do seek a normal life, like curling up with a book and being yourself!  You're correct it is less about how you look and more about how you feel.  You have to believe in yourself.  The fear you feel is natural but as you become more comfortable in your new "skin" it will melt away.  When I am with family and friends I feel fine, as they treat me fine without any awkwardness.  You will get there too.

Yes I agree with your assessment. I've only been on hrt for a few short months, but I've noticed my need to "dress girly" has diminished, although I still enjoy it when I do it.

@JudiBlueEyes

Thanks for confirming my thoughts. I'll retain the right to disagree when it comes to family, at least my family that is. I know what to expect from my Mom already. Previous incidents have not gone well. Coming out when I was 10 and getting caught dressed around 16. Had to lie and retract then. Otherwise kicked out of house. The caught at 16 lead toward joining the Corps a few months later. Yeah it was a quick way to escape home, the challenge, and prove no gender issues at time. Plus certain homophobic/transphobic comments made over the holidays by other family members as well. Then again most are fake enough to fake it, and there may be no issue. Apparently they're all super religious now. Well at least when the youngest cousin and new youth pastor husband are around.

@GordonG

Exactly. Oh and you're only 30 days ahead of me.

Wish me luck. About to take my biggest trip out yet. Leaving  work early to get ready. Didn't plan it, but ended up with therapy, voice, and support group stacked up today. Excited for next 12 hrs, may not want it to end.

You'll do fine!  Best of luck to you.

Quote from: Jaime320 on January 08, 2019, 12:52:58 PM
Wish me luck. About to take my biggest trip out yet. Leaving  work early to get ready. Didn't plan it, but ended up with therapy, voice, and support group stacked up today. Excited for next 12 hrs, may not want it to end.

@Jaime320
Yes indeed, wishing you the best of luck, good fortune and much success with all that you have going on this afternoon and tonight...
I will be eagerly looking for your update report when you feel so led to post it.
We are all rooting for you, we are you biggest fans.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle @JudyBlueEyes
Aww thanks girls.


I had a blast yesterday.
I rushed to the hotel, changed, threw on some paint, headed out the door.

Made it to therapist just in time. Good news I'm sane. Therapist said I'm completely normal despite all the crap from my past and gender issues. Also agreed to write letter for travel and insurance. No need to go back for mental health, but would like once a month follow up. Enables a safe space and check in while navigating everything. Don't know where transition will go,  it will figure it out along the way. Oh and The anxiety/stress/urge pre HRT, and dropping after HRT start is a very common thing. It should be taken as a good sign, and not questioned with am I trans enough. Just be and enjoy the extra mental space. Now there's time and calmness to figure out other stuff.

Afterwards I drove up the street to voice therapy. My first in person session. Yeah!!!!!! Had lots of fun making silly sounds. There was a straw, stretch bands, and mirrors involved.

After voice headed off to gender society meeting. Good thing I had a voice lesson earlier. Had to do an intro to group. Had fun at the bar, and met few new girls. Apparently I passed at a social a few months ago. Some of the girls thought I was a cis 37-42 y/o ally.  That felt wonderful. I Wish I had their glasses though. We're our own worst critics. I see him in the mirror, & dude in a dress constantly.

I'm like Harley and hate leaving pics up for long. Closeup of 30 minute everyday makeup from last night, and a old photo from 2 months ago glammed up.


https://i.imgur.com/EQ3UoVe.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/gCLu3NA.jpg

  anyone else hate getting carded while out. At a lgbt bar no less. I wish there were a legal way to get an alternate ID.

I'm glad to hear you enjoyed yourself!   Wow your photos look great.  No wonder the girls at the prior social saw you as a cis ally!  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You look fine and I'm sure you sound fine too!

@judiblueeyes

THANKS. Going out is easier each time. Spending time out more frequently now for sure.  However, I'm sitting here at hotel bar and now being referred to as him. I keep thinking #@$&@ this sucks. Keep thinking I just want to be out full time. Then I think about home and think nope can't do it. Guess it's a dual life for awhile still. Time to suck it up buttercup.

Welcome back everyone. The outage made me realize how much I miss this place. Though it did cause me to seek alternative sources of information, and allowed me to reflect. By alternative resources I referring to a few of the legal resources and major support groups. Despite everything I came to realize I am definitely in transition. I'll get to those implications in a minute. Now this may change in the future but by golly it's my story. I'm a woman and I reserve the right to change my mind.    First time stating that last part aloud. Yeah sure the little voice has said it a million times, deny deny deny. " it depends on what the definition of "is" is".  it feels wonderful when someone says "enjoy being a lady out on the town", or using the correct pronoun. Alas things aren't all roses. I still have the home life that needs work. I sit here in the hotel surrounded by coworkers. Which adds to complications. Maybe I've been naive over past few weeks and been this close to outing myself at work, just  one to two  rooms away by a factor of 2-3. What's this mean well.  I have to sneak away tomorrow for group, but all the muggles leave after Wed night, yeah freedom. Fly the flag girls. Ok maybe not a pride parade, but it feels like it. So enough rambling. Back to transition. Yeah umm I became verklempt after reading what a "safe passage letter" really was. I mean OMG. If I didn't live in one of the most non trans friendly states I could change my gender marker on driver license. (You have to have GRS confirmed here) Squeee... Fudge boom @7'€}%%}^>&$&@$$ yeah still recovering, and don't know what to think or do next. I may have passport changed in semi near future. May need to let outside catch up. Though it would be awesome to have at least one govt Id match. I wish you could have a transition ID. Boy/girl mode and both be accepted. So yeah perpetually confused to what's next at this point. Physically I've reached a point of bra required simply due to chafe, and "hello" btw I just thought there was jiggle with moobs.  Houston we've reached a new impact assessment required zone as well. On with the show. One day at a time.

Wonderful night out with a group of the girls a few nights ago. It's cold up here,  but I keep drifting towards jeans, ankle boots w/4" heel, & a cute top/sweater. Findiymy style more everyday.

Supposed to go fly a few days this past week, but with 900' ceilings not going to happen. Will try again when able.

Tonight I had my first laser treatment. 15 min for full Monty once started. Ended up disclosing some on meds.   Doc Yes doc not assistant doing treatment questioned but didn't pry to much. Assumed thyroid condition or hormone imbalance. Yes a hormone imbalance doc. We'll let that one be. Apparently they're seeing more and more beard removals.  Maybe there's a few family members going there. Anyway torture in the usual sensitive spots, (doc commented and offered to lower settings. Nope keep going), found one or two new extra sensitive areas. Doc did a good job Of explaining as he went. Doc lightly shaved before starting. Apparently three days growth was a bit much. Although I could hardly feel it. Celt like 5 o clock to me. About like it was after 24 hours prior to HRT. I guess it'll be a guessing game from here on out. Many hairs popped out during process. Noticed several burned in place but waiting until morning to scrub face. There are a few red bumps, but no more than shaving/letting it grow out. So far no swelling. Went to movie then dinner at hotel bar afterwards. Off to bed soon.

If I don't get snowed in I plan to head north Sat to go out with some of the girls. Looking forward to two whole days out, and No sneaking out of hotel. I may go get acrylics tomorrow, and a makeover at Sephora/Ulta sat morning. Scared to death. Going in semi male and coming out a few dollars poorer. Will have hair and a change of clothes in car. Any tips girls? I usually dress after getting painted.

@Jaime320
Dear Jaime:
I really enjoyed reading your recent update reports.   Yes indeed, when the site was down for several days I was getting withdrawal pains.... I have developed so many like-minded friends here and have made a habit of checking in frequently so it was quite difficult not being able to be in the forums.

Wishing you well with your tentative plans to get your name and gender changes on your important documents... when that happens it will be so very affirming to you..... and not to mention that you are now wearing a bra most of the time... also quite affirming as well as being necessary as you stated.

As you described your night out with the girls sounded like you had a great time. 
Oh, and welcome to the hair removal Laser Club......  it will test your pain threshold for sure.

I hope that you do not get snowed in so you can proceed with your plans to go out with some of the girls... that is always lots of fun to fit it with them.

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts with your followers.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle

Aww thanks for keeping tabs on little old me. I know I'm not as eloquent as you. Though I wish it were true. My thoughts thus far seem so pedestrian compared to many of you. My only hope with my often incoherent ramblings is for someone to relate, and feel they're not alone. I know I get more out of it. It helps organize and reflect on past events. I also constantly write from my phone, often while sitting at a bar grabbing a bite,  and I know that's not helping.

@alaskan Danielle

Oh snow is relative like many things. just over a foot and snowing for a week. What's that equal in Alaska? About an hr?