Yeah, so I have a problem here...bits of personal characteristics, then you can tell me what you think...

My close family consists of:

My mum: I don't think she would mind terribly. She's always been very supportive and she's never asked me about female relationships and I think she might already think I'm queer (she asks me for my opinion when choosing clothes, and she knows I'm right more often than not) since I do tend to wear kinda feminine clothing (like low-cut neck, close fitting, tight pants) some of which she's even bought for me! I predict no problems and only lots of support here.

My dad: Now, here's the deal. My dad will use every opportunity he gets to make disowning comments about immigrants, homosexuals, musicians and politicians (the ones that oppose his view, that is) and has never approved of my decision to drop out of school to be a proffessional musician. He's asking me about girlfriends all the time (I've begun to tease him with this, since I hang out with a lot of different girls, friend-style...) and I think he, too, might be catching on to the queer, and he's going to do what he can to prevent it. I don't think he would understand. When I wanted to drop out of school (best decision I ever made, by the way) he tried to convince me to stay.

The school thing had my parents in two seperate camps. My mother wanted to help me byt making sure I knew that they would support me every step of the way. My father wanted to help me by making my decisions. They had a small argument about it.

My brother: 15 years of age, I've a hunch he might be gay too (that'd be a blow for dad ^^), but it's too early to tell. He seems in no way interested in girls, anyway, so there. He looks up to me, though, holds me in great awe, and I'm just afraid it would shatter his world if I came out. He's not very popular, he gets teased a bit 'cause he's quite a nerd, and if his class-mates learned that his big brother was gay (I don't really think their narrow minds could fathom the concept of TS) he would never hear the end of it.

My sister (and her boyfriend): She doesn't live at home any more, but she visits fairly often. We've always been great friends, and we played lots when we were kids. We've even played dress-up and it ended with some very messy make-up back then ^^ She's great, I think, and she would not disown me. We get along so well. Her boyfriend, however, have made some snide comments about my femininity, suggesting that I might be gay in a tone that said he did not approve. I could care less about his opinion, if it wasn't because he was living with my sis.

Let's leave the rest of the family out of this, except for one comment. I have NEVER heard about a family member, even a far out one, who was gay or queer in any way at all.

Also, I know two gay people in my area, and I rarely hear about anyone. It's not very accepted around here.


So!


If I come out to my family, what kind of impact would it have? I fear it might divide our home in two, and my brother would be caught in the middle of this. I don't want to do that. I put him before myself, in that case. My sister's boyfriend is a jerk sometimes, I could care less about them breaking up, but I would not want to hurt my sister in that way. I know he wouldn't feel comfortable with me around, but my sister would probably just start challenging me to female artists in Sing Star and own me baaaad. I wouldn't want to be the cause of a break-up between the two, but I would like to be able to make use of her support.

Soeh...

It's not a matter of convincing them. I act and dress and speak quite feminine already. Always did, I guess. But I can't help thinking it would hurt the family, and then I'd just much rather wait a few years until my brother has moved out as well. But I wouldn't be too keen on living another five years like this...by that time, I'd very much like to be on my way to becoming a true woman.

So, what do I do? Who should I put first? Me or my family? I really doubt I can make everyone happy.

Distressed, I am.


~Moi

Posted on: April 01, 2008, 09:12:23 PM

---

I see there have been a share of views, but no replies.

I'd very much like just some kind of thoughts on what I should do.

Thank you.


~Moi

I dont think it can neceserily destroy the family, it did in my case, well, no, thier fairly happy, they just pretend im dead....
ive heard of many cases of familys coming together and supporting the person, and through that, becoming a better family....
its not impossible.
R >

Hi Moria,

I think there are no replies because there is no way of knowing... but my guess is you
already know the answer. Based on what you say I think your dad woud be the biggest problem.

You will have to deal with GID eventually and only you can decide if now is better than the future
and if you can wait. From personal experience... don't try to make anyone but YOU happy.

Amanda

Well, I wasn't looking for definite answers, really, just replies like the ones I've gotten now...

I mean, I know what my options are and what they'd bring, but...it's just hard for me to put myself first. I guess that's why I've even waited this long. Of course I have the right to be happy, but I don't think my hapiness should come at the cost of others'.

I guess, for now, I'll just move out, be myself for a while and see how it all works out.

It's good to know, at least, that I'll have some support here no matter what ^^'

Thank you.


~Moi

Hon, ultimately you are going to have to make the decision based on what is best for you. You are not responsible for how others choose to react to your decision.

You might choose to move away and transition in private to spare your brother and sister, or you might choose to come out and transition out in the open, so to speak.

I faced this same dilemma with my family, in my mind anyway, but it came to a point that I felt that it was my life, and that I was not doing anybody any favours by not looking to my own happiness. I realised that it had been more a case of me seeking validation from everybody else by being the person I thought they wanted me to be. When I started feeling valid in and of myself, I lost that need to buy love.

The best I could suggest is to come out in stages, to the people you trust most - your mom, and maybe your sis, and get them to ... smooth the path, so to speak. Explain your concerns to them - I told my mom and dad upfront, before I came out to all my relatives in last week's letter, that I didn't want them to change their relationship towards anybody who might reject me. Felt that this would be neither fair not productive - arguing about me would only drive a wedge through the extended family, and harden both sides, or worse, alienate more people towards me. Ultimately those relationships are a private matter between me and those individuals - either time will heal the wounds, or it won't.

As to your brother's situation at school - that is a tougher one. He still has three years to go, which would be tough. Do you have a lot of contact with his friends and classmates though - frankly, what they don't know won't hurt him, so I would just make sure that they remain blissfully unaware. Perhaps a move would help, if that's practical, otherwise just watch your diary carefully...

~Simone.

I did think of coming out to my sis and mum, and I figure that will be the approach I'll be taking. They would definitely be the ones to understand, and they're very good at keeping secrets too ^^

I can relate to that desire to please everyone by being what they expect. That is what makes it so damn frustrating to have girls crushing on me, because I feel I should be what they want me to be...the good guy, right? Tch. I hope moving out will let me have some more time with myself so I can find out who -I- want me to be.

I have already come out to two of my girl friends (as of yet, I don't have any close male friends I'd feel comfortable talking about this with. Well, not since my old crush moved to Australia. Gawd, I miss him!), and they have supported me thus far, even if thus far is only a week. They are girls I have known for years, and shortly after coming out to them, they confessed they had always kinda had a crush on me. Eh. What gives. Anyway, they're great friends, and I know I'll make good use of their help.

I don't really have much contact with my brother's friends, no, seeing as they rarely come here. There's just two who are regulars, but he might as well just go with them instead if he's too embarassed at me in a skirt. 

But as I did state in the first post, it would not really surprise my family if I came out as gay, so that might be a place to start to see how they react to that? Any thoughts on this?


~Moi

I would be careful with telling them you are gay first, even if you are a heterosexual female, because it may lead to additional confusion and resistance later on. That said, only you can really read your family, and you are ultimately the one who is in the best position to judge if that will be the case or not.

If you do decide to go down this route though, I would still take either your mom or your sister into confidence about the real situation, so that you have an ally who knows the full story who can start to do some groundwork for you, and can back you when you do finally come out as TS.

Hope it helps hon,

~Simone.

Yeah, it helps a lot. I figure it's always best to get a second opinion. My friends were both all "Just go tell them, they'll understand. And if not, you can live with us!" and no doubt that they meant it, but...eh.

They don't know my family either, so ^^'

Anyway, thanks. I guess I'll take it as it comes. In either case, I am grateful for the support I've gotten thus far, both here and from my friends. I figure a lot of you have been in a lot worse situations than me.


~Moi

QuoteI figure a lot of you have been in a lot worse situations than me.

Don't belittle your situation like that hon. All of us have our crap to deal with. Just because mine is different from yours, or from the next person down, doesn't make it easier or worse, just different. That's why places like Susans exist - for us to give each other outside perspective. We can't really advise one-another, but in sharing our thoughts, we can help other maybe get a better understanding each of our own situation. If you ever need to talk hon, don't hesitate to PM me. If I'm online at Y!Messenger or MSN, feel free to drop in.

~Simone