Last night I realized that I've lost control of my transition.

I think I feel that way because things are moving much more quickly than I thought
they would. And the changes much more dramatic than I had even hoped for. I
took some pictures of my self last night in boy mode and before I even
compared them to pre-HRT pictures I realized how much I had changed. I can't
see it the changes in the mirror and no one has commented but in pictures I almost
don't look like the same person.

My emotions the last couple of week have been just out of control. I feel
obsessed about everything. I catch myself wanting to cry for no reason. I
catch my self laughing uncontrollably. At the same time I feel so content and
happy it's scary.

I've not even started facial hair removal because I thought I'd have a lot more time
to do it and now I'm wondering if I will even look male in two or three months.

It seems like so many things have changed so quickly while at the same time
it seems like I'm not moving forward, like time is standing still. It's very disorienting
and it's the weirdest feeling in the world. I feel so out of control of my plans and really
my life, like I'm just hanging on for the ride.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

Amanda

Oy!  Have I been there!

I have had family & people out me left and right.

Starting HRT ripped any sense of emotional control apart.

Breasts are starting to develope.  Facial and body hair are thinning.  Small changes that are imperceptable to me.  Nevertheless, they are real and noticed.

This is a process that accelerates far faster than thought.  I am not sure anyone can really be prepared for how fast life tends to accelerate.

Chaunte

Hi Amanda,
I pretty much prepared myself for whatever changes happened well before I started hormones. If my face completely morphed in 1 month or 1 year, I was ready. If my breasts grew to C in 6 months, I was ready. I found that by not expecting any changes but being prepared for them really helped me. I came out to everyone close to me at the same time I started HRT so that the changes they saw would be self explanatory. I would rather have done that than worry that people know something is going on with me.

In your case, I'd ask some questions and just kind of reevaluate where you are with transition and get on the right track for you. Are you prepared financially and emotionally for the physical changes? Who have you come out to? How much time were you giving yourself to notice changes? Remember, you are FEELING changes. Those changes might not be too obvious to other people who know you.

Right before I transitioned I took an Excel spreadsheet and basically made this timeline thingy of when I thought all of this stuff would occur, like Date Started, Date Completed, etc. Obviously, you can't plan for all the stuff to happen on X date, but at least it helped me organize transition into smaller steps. That's kind of what it is, a bunch of smaller steps into some larger steps right (ok, wayyy over-simplified, but you get the point)?

So don't freak out Amanda. The changes you see are probably mostly in your head unless you have everyone around you going "whoaaaaa, what's going on with you? you look like a girl, OMG, what's going on?" I'm sure you were expecting the common questions after a few months "hey, something looks different about you, what is it?," "did you do something different to your face?," etc, etc. I didn't see before and after pictures, but hair and eyebrows make a big difference between someone seeing you one way (boy mode) vs. another (awkward in between stage).

I think probably the best advice I got on the period right when I started HRT and started seeing some changes was to "man up." Lol, funny term, but basically, you KNOW you are changing, you are planning on it. If you aren't FT and you are wanting HRT to make some physical changes, let's say for a year, then don't make obvious feminine changes to yourself. As an example, I was having my eyebrows done, but right when I started HRT I had them done really fem. I was wearing really androgynous clothes, I was flat ironing my hair, etc. and this was before I had come out some people. So they'd see me and be like "um, yeah, what's up?"

If I really planned on getting through a year of HRT without throwing people off, I was approaching it the wrong way. The changes will happen gradually whether I'm expecting them to or not, so I figured I'd just stop pushing the limits and just let it happen. Then I came out to everyone. Now I can pretty much just do whatever without thinking who knows, who doesn't, what changes are happening to me. I know my FT date, that probably helps a little. Anyway Amanda, don't freak out or get really worried, just reevaluate and see where you are and make changes if you need to Meghan

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 06, 2008, 07:00:17 PM
I feel so out of control of my plans and really my life, like I'm just hanging on for the ride.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

I've been known to say something similar from time to time

You can't control a transition, you can only *manage* it to some extent. Course corrections. Damage control. But the snowball WILL roll down the hill. Breasts may force you to come out to some people. Coming out to some people means coming out to others before they find out secondhand. Passing (and you will whether you're trying or not) becomes extremely awkward, and you'll decide it's easier to just change your name and be Amanda from then on.

But this all happens on it's town time scale. You just need to know it's coming, and know what you're gonna do when it does.

~Kate~

Yes-- it swept me away. And I am so glad it did. Swept me right out of that painful old life and into a healthy, hopeful new life. If it were left up to my conscious direction, I would scarcely have known how to proceed. But trust to the powerful energy, it knows where it's going, and just let it take you there. Like a ship that gets caught in a storm and blown to its destination much faster than the captain had planned. I experienced it as a tremendous blessing.

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 06, 2008, 07:00:17 PM
Last night I realized that I've lost control of my transition.

I think I feel that way because things are moving much more quickly than I thought
they would. And the changes much more dramatic than I had even hoped for. I
took some pictures of my self last night in boy mode and before I even
compared them to pre-HRT pictures I realized how much I had changed. I can't
see it the changes in the mirror and no one has commented but in pictures I almost
don't look like the same person.

My emotions the last couple of week have been just out of control. I feel
obsessed about everything. I catch myself wanting to cry for no reason. I
catch my self laughing uncontrollably. At the same time I feel so content and
happy it's scary.

I've not even started facial hair removal because I thought I'd have a lot more time
to do it and now I'm wondering if I will even look male in two or three months.

It seems like so many things have changed so quickly while at the same time
it seems like I'm not moving forward, like time is standing still. It's very disorienting
and it's the weirdest feeling in the world. I feel so out of control of my plans and really
my life, like I'm just hanging on for the ride.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

Amanda

When I first started on HRT  which is quite a few years ago now I thought I would have a lot more change from it. I can compare old photographs pre-HRT and picture's after long term HRT and to be honest I cannot see any difference physically. Yes, I see various different hairsyles and the effect of laser treatment which helps but I don't see any real difference apart from that. I don't think I looked very male before HRT so it's hard to find a difference facially.

I think I have a lot more work to do which may include physical intervention like FFS and other proceedures but I don't think HRT makes that much of a difference as people would like to think it does. It has eradicated any form of body hair I may have had and helped a bit with skin tone but apart from that nothing else..

HRT tends to effect different people differently, Berleigh. I think that for some of us HRT made a tremendous difference in very short periods of time.

Since you began with an inter-sex condition perhaps your results were already available.

I know that I was expecting slow, undramatic changes that would take two-three years and that people I didn't see daily were unable to recognize me after 4-6 months.

As they say "YMMV." And that caveat seems to apply for HRT especially.

Nichole

As it happens, I finally topped a rise yesterday as well. (Just need to make sure we are talking the same yesterday here - mine being Sunday ... )

The last few months I've been hoping about transition, but not had much faith in it, to be honest. Yesterday, for unrelated reason, I had to go through my wardrobe and chuck out all but the essentials. I'd bought this pair of bootcut jeans a few montsh ago, in my size, and I couldn't get it past my hamstrings - too muscular. Yesterday, just as I was about to throw them out, I decided to try them on one last time. - and they FIT!!! I also got my first pair of girl shoes in the mail on Saturday, so I took some pictures - face, body, the works, and you're right - the changes are huge, when you add up all the tiny little shifts that you don't notice.

I CAN DO THIS! I no longer hope for transition. I'm finally transitioning. Which is an awesomely cool feeling.

And yeah, you are right. It does seem to be snowballing a bit faster than the old timelinewas drawn up for. This is probably not such a good thing, short term, but it is waaaaaay cool otherwise, and somehow, it will be managed.

... I just hope I still look enough like my passport photo when I have to get on the plane in August...


Posted on: 07 April 2008, 07:37:16

---

By the way, please forgive my denseness, but could somebody enlighten me as to what 'YMMV' is?

~Simone.

YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary = People's experiences may be somewhat different depending on the case.

Simone, that is so cool to hear Yes you CAN!

Amanda, it's a normal feeling that persists for much of the first couple of years of HRT transition until growth and change slow down a little bit and you learn to live not just with your newfound emotional openness but with the fact that you don't look anymore like you looked in the past few years..
Don't panic, grab onto the blue dolphin and enjoy the ride. You'll probably only get to do it once

Quote from: soldierjane on April 07, 2008, 07:47:42 AM
Don't panic, grab onto the blue dolphin and enjoy the ride. You'll probably only get to do it once

Unless you start riding pink elephants... 

~Simone

QuoteI think I have a lot more work to do which may include physical intervention like FFS and other proceedures but I don't think HRT makes that much of a difference as people would like to think it does. It has eradicated any form of body hair I may have had and helped a bit with skin tone but apart from that nothing else..

For me it's been dramatic. I'm not going to post them but before and after three months of HRT are amazing. It's
all facial fat I know but I really don't look like the same person  in pics. My eyes have changed the most and it's
hard to describe they are the same shape but so much more feminine and I've not changed my eyebrows or
anything.

Amanda

Posted on: April 07, 2008, 10:34:00 AM

---

Quote
HRT tends to effect different people differently, Berleigh. I think that for some of us HRT made a tremendous difference in very short periods of time.

Since you began with an inter-sex condition perhaps your results were already available.

I know that I was expecting slow, undramatic changes that would take two-three years and that people I didn't see daily were unable to recognize me after 4-6 months.

As they say "YMMV." And that caveat seems to apply for HRT especially.

Nichole

That is what I'm finding too.... I'm totally freaked out that I have to deal with all this in a very short period of time. People need
time to adjust and it's like I'm going to be forcing it all on them dictated by how fast things are changing physically.

Amanda


Posted on: April 07, 2008, 10:40:16 AM

---

QuoteI CAN DO THIS! I no longer hope for transition. I'm finally transitioning. Which is an awesomely cool feeling.

And yeah, you are right. It does seem to be snowballing a bit faster than the old timelinewas drawn up for. This is probably not such a good thing, short term, but it is waaaaaay cool otherwise, and somehow, it will be managed.

I keep telling myself that... I CAN DO IT...  I feel the same way... and I agree this is SO COOL that I'm getting these
results, but I'm really freaked out by how fast I'm getting them.

Amanda

Quote from: Chaunte on April 06, 2008, 09:07:55 PM

Chaunte

Per your avatar --- Is one of your daughter a Texas Longhorn Student?

Daisy

QuoteAmanda, it's a normal feeling that persists for much of the first couple of years of HRT transition until growth and change slow down a little bit and you learn to live not just with your newfound emotional openness but with the fact that you don't look anymore like you looked in the past few years..
Don't panic, grab onto the blue dolphin and enjoy the ride. You'll probably only get to do it once Smiley

It sounds like a nice ride... I just want to be in first gear, smell the flowers along the way, not zoom past at top
speed with my windows up

Amanda

Oh yes..I've lost it a couple of times. I'll start.....something will happen, I'll stop..then start up again ...six months at a time. They say go at your own pace. By the time I'm 90 I should be done.

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 06, 2008, 07:00:17 PM
Anyone else experience anything like this?

Amanda

no.
and, as RedFish and Kate can tell you, i have no sympathy for anyone who "transitions too fast".

mine's been dragging on for months and months, and i still get sirred alot. 
you're really a sweet girl, Amanda, but, now i hate you.

-Ellie

Quote
no. and, as RedFish and Kate can tell you, i have no sympathy for anyone who "transitions too fast".

mine's been dragging on for months and months, and i still get sirred alot.  Angry
you're really a sweet girl, Amanda, but, now i hate you.

Hi Ell, I read all your replies because they are very insightful and caring.

Don't hate me... yet   because I'm no where near passing 100% but the changes are
amazing regardless and in a very short period.

And thanks for saying I'm sweet, I like that kind of compliment as much as anything

Amanda

Quote from: ell on April 07, 2008, 11:49:44 AM

mine's been dragging on for months and months, and i still get sirred alot. 

Ellie,

Don't despair hon, it's more like years and years rather than months and months sometimes really; but every day, every step ahead, is a small conquest. Treasure the little moments and hang in there, everyone's transition is different

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 07, 2008, 11:59:55 AM

Quote
no. and, as RedFish and Kate can tell you, i have no sympathy for anyone who "transitions too fast".

mine's been dragging on for months and months, and i still get sirred alot.  Angry
you're really a sweet girl, Amanda, but, now i hate you.

Hi Ell, I read all your replies because they are very insightful and caring.

Don't hate me... yet   because I'm no where near passing 100% but the changes are
amazing regardless and in a very short period.

And thanks for saying I'm sweet, I like that kind of compliment as much as anything

Amanda

what a kind thing to say! Thank you. 

but don't feel too badly about being added to my 'list'.

my other nemeses, redfish and Kate, are actually very special to me. (but don't tell them that)

-Ellie

I felt that way with transition. I was in a hold pattern for 2 months and then it is like whoah and WEEEEEEEE!!!!!. Then i get used to the new feeling and get back to living life the best i can.

I must admitted it is scary but im not hiding under the covers. I want to experience it all!!!!!

I don't think I ever felt in control of transition. To be hounest it started working best for me when I stopped trying to contol it and just went with the flow.

Ann