So, my darlings, what am I, and more importantly, what should I do about it?

I'm still not sure whether I'm TG mtf, non-binary or "just" a crossdresser... so here goes, if you'll take the time to listen.

I'd always felt different, hated football and boys' stuff, preferring to be with the girls on the playground, to read books, but also liked making models and science and stuff (I now am a scientist with a PhD).  I got an exemption from woodwork to do needlework as a 7 year old.  I remember wishing I'd be born a girl...

The epiphany moment when I was cast, age 14 (4 decades ago) as a women in the school play - it was an all-boys school, so no real girls available.  As I pulled on the costume- blouse, skirt, tights- it felt so amazing. 

From there I had a long secret career as a crossdresser, whenever I had a few hours or days to myself, but went through the purging and self hatred and shame that accompanies it.  I felt calm, but also aroused, and though that it was 70% a fetish.  When, much later in our failed marriage, my wife let me wear her lingerie during sex, and later to wear some of my own clothes while intimate- sex with another person became as good as my solitary hours.

My current wife is bi and loves my girly side.  She supports me and thinks I'm a nicer person when I'm girly.  And it turns her on- she asks me to wear a bra or stockings for her. 

I've flirted with transition and have taken oestrogen for several periods.  I know, I should not self-medicate but did my bloods and all is good. I love all the positive, girly changes: calmness of thought (mostly), softer skin, smelling better, and most of the time I like the boobs that have grown and my bigger bum.  As does my wife.  I usually dress quite androgynously, but am still in boy mode outside the house and to our children. 

I would pass, I'm 5'7, slim and have always been bullied by men because I'm weedy.  I get male fail often and love it.

But.  I'm scared that I'm just a fetishist (internalized transphobia?) and after a few months on the patches, I get anxious about the changes, or at least my normal and ever-present anxiety gets amplified. I worry about whether I would be accepted in my career, by children, friends, and the rest of it.  I worry about whether the transition hill is worth the  very hard climb, and depression and anxiety creep in. 

So I come off the patches, and after a few months, I want to try again.  I've done this 3 times so far, and would like to know from any girl or boy out there how you have had yo-yo transitioning and how you've dealt with the anxiety.

Thanks x

Hi Michelle,

I can't advise on the yo-yoing and the anxiety. I haven't experienced that part of what you are going through, (the stopping and starting HRT) so someone else may be better suited to answer that.

But what I can say is when you describe yourself, it doesn't sound like a fetish to me.

Have you spoken to a Gender Therapist? Doing so may give you clarity.

Yep, transitioning is a tough climb, but if your wife is bi-sexual, then you are going to have support that can make it easier. (My wife is bi-sexual and she is a real help.)

Welcome, by the way.

~Dee.

Do you experience gender dysphoria that you would say is debilitating? I'm not a therapist, but I am guessing if the answer is no then transitioning may create more stress for you than just cross dressing.

Have you talked with your wife about transitioning?

I learned a ton about myself talking about stuff with my wife before she passed away.  Even if I didn't realize it at the time.

The calmness one gets from HRT does suggest that one is on the right path, but as you say, there is much to consider, especially if you have a family to consider.

What you describe does not sound to me like a fetish.  You sound trans-feminine to me.  We often let fears hold us back, but the fear does not invalidate your identity.  It just prevents you doing anything about it.

What to do about it is the question, and only you can answer that. 

In spite of the efforts of regressive administrations, society in general has become much more accepting of transgender people.  Most major corporations and institutions have policies in place to support employees who transition, and HR departments have procedures in place to handle the administrative details.

The average person in the street doesn't give a hoot.  In fact, the average person is so wrapped up in their own stuff, they probably won't even notice you.  Yes, there are a few yahoos, but they are in the minority.

If your wife was totally opposed to your transition, that would be a major factor to consider.  But she sounds supportive of your cross-dressing, so she might not be opposed to transitioning.  Have you discussed the possibility with her?

It is definitely possible to transition successfully and happily as a mature adult.  I started at age 62.  My wife was supportive, and I have lost no one else.  It helps that even the rednecks and hillbillies in this area are "nice".

I have only recently come to terms with my gender identity (MtF) and for years have felt more comfortable in a woman's world. What I have learned is the importance of accepting who you are. Acceptance is a powerful behaviour and may solve some of the anxiety you have. You are fortunate to have a wife who is accepting of you and your choices. Continue to talk with her, share your feelings and concerns.

I haven't contemplated HRT yet and don't really understand the yo-yo effect you describe. The on again, off again behaviour may be related to your uncertainty about your self-identity. Seeking professional help with a gender therapist may help you work through your thoughts and feelings.

Remain positive, you will be amazed how taking a positive outlook makes life easier. I know this is easy to say and really hard to execute. I know ... I have general anxiety disorder and have worked for years to develop a positive attitude towards my daily experiences although I still "fall off the bike" once and while.

You set upon a journey long ago and now you are travelling through a different space and time. It is all the same trip and you can decide where you want to end up. It's your choice.

Take care.

Hugs Zoey

I did see a gender therapist for a while and she was all for transition but also thought that somewhere in between might work.  I felt though that she was routing me through to transition faster than I was willing to go: the collateral damage to children, job, family weighed too heavily on me.
Is the dysphoria debilitating? It's all consuming, but I'm quite good at control and managing pain by dissociating- done it all my life now. Sometimes it's hard to keep the lid on and a voice tells me to get on with it before it's too late.
The voices get quieter when I'm on the patches, to the point at which, after 3-4 months I think I don't need them anymore and come off them.  And the wheel turns.

Quote from: MichelleC on December 21, 2018, 04:15:49 PM
I did see a gender therapist for a while and she was all for transition but also thought that somewhere in between might work.  I felt though that she was routing me through to transition faster than I was willing to go: the collateral damage to children, job, family weighed too heavily on me.
Is the dysphoria debilitating? It's all consuming, but I'm quite good at control and managing pain by dissociating- done it all my life now. Sometimes it's hard to keep the lid on and a voice tells me to get on with it before it's too late.
The voices get quieter when I'm on the patches, to the point at which, after 3-4 months I think I don't need them anymore and come off them.  And the wheel turns.

Have you told your therapist these things?
I was in your shoes for about 9 months. I went on HRT for a few months, felt great, decided that the potential damage to family, career, etc. was all too much and just tried to throw all thoughts of needing treatment out the window. I had the same thoughts as you: I've dealt with this my whole life, I'll just keep dealing with it.

Then, after being off HRT for like 6 months, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knew I had to face up to the fact that I really need treatment whether I think I need it or not. Even my wife agreed and encouraged me to get the treatment so I wasn't so horrible to live with. She shocked me by becoming my biggest advocate for treatment.

Long term, full dose HRT and transitioning may not be for you, but you should find a long term solution that doesn't have you rollercoastering on and off HRT. Maybe low dose would help.

Quote from: BlueJaye on December 22, 2018, 10:37:49 AM
Have you told your therapist these things?
I was in your shoes for about 9 months. I went on HRT for a few months, felt great, decided that the potential damage to family, career, etc. was all too much and just tried to throw all thoughts of needing treatment out the window. I had the same thoughts as you: I've dealt with this my whole life, I'll just keep dealing with it.

Then, after being off HRT for like 6 months, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knew I had to face up to the fact that I really need treatment whether I think I need it or not. Even my wife agreed and encouraged me to get the treatment so I wasn't so horrible to live with. She shocked me by becoming my biggest advocate for treatment.

Long term, full dose HRT and transitioning may not be for you, but you should find a long term solution that doesn't have you rollercoastering on and off HRT. Maybe low dose would help.

BlueJayes experience is similar to mine. 2016 I was on full HRT & and it was good for treating my GD.

2017 I gave HRT away to consolidate the  family dynamic after I grew breasts and became naturally more feminine.

2018 back on full HRT to releive the GD. HRT makes my life better, life is good. I guess I am slowly becoming more feminine in appearance and manner. Everyone seems to not worry about a slow progression. I still haven't transitioned & I am happy.

I think slowly - slowly,   steady- steady works for everyone.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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Personally I'm not going the full transition route. For me, my life, my family it just wouldn't work; and after lots and lots of introspection, I really don't want to. So I've started slowly and am low dose E and don't plan on upping the dose or ever fully presenting as female full time. The low dose is doing what I want it to do, I feel better, I feel calmer, I feel like I can continue this way for the rest of my life.
I know that you can find a happy middle ground like I did. Wishing you all the best.