I wasn't sure where to post my thoughts on Christmas, so I came to the general section. This is the first time I have shared my thoughts on this subject. Susan's Place has become an important outlet to work through everything I'm feeling.
Christmas time can be full of joy and happiness but it can also be one of the hardest times of the year for many people. You don't get to choose your family and for many, getting together at Christmas is wrought with stress and anxiety. I also find Christmas is a time where "fake" family relationships can prosper, where people pretend to get along, play nice.
Then there are those people who don't have families or their families don't want them. The loneliness is exacerbated when society tells you to share this special time with family.
I know, I am sounding like Mr. Scrouge ... Bah, humbug. There is a bit of that, but I believe Christmas and the holidays should be a time for families to come together. It should be a time where families accept each individual for whom they are and what they represent. Why can't people put aside differences, seek forgiveness, and learn to understand?
Personally, I find Christmas a difficult time of year as I struggle with feelings of self-worth nestled within my anxiety about buying and giving presents. My older brother always bought big-ticket items for my parents, things I could never afford. I always felt I was never as good as him, not as successful and these feelings were magnified during Christmas.
I wish I could stop the commercial madness and find the true meaning of giving, to support those less fortunate than me, to give something money cannot buy. With my immediate family, kids and spouse, I find this next to impossible to achieve.
Next Christmas will be different. I will likely observe the holiday alone for some of the time because of my pending divorce. I want my kids to celebrate Christmas Day with their mom because Christmas is a special time of year for her. The divorce and my coming out transgendered MtF is hard for her to process. Christmas won't necessarily be easier for either one of us in 2019 and, who knows, it could be awesome. That is a long time away (365 days, actually). I need to focus on now, get to tomorrow.
This year, I am happy to have found and accepted myself. This time of year is still stressful and I still feel inadequate but not because of who I am; that has become a strength. I feel inadequate because I am anxious about the gifts I have purchased and how they will be received this year. My wife told me to not bother and get her anything because I had ruined Christmas for her. Of course, I didn't listen to her. The secret we have between us will hang like the Sword of Damocles over our heads because I have not told my kids about coming out. That is a lot of stress on top of what I normally lug around with me this time of year.
So, another year, another Christmas, another day of feeling inadequate.
What I do know is there is a community that will support and listen to me. I am forever grateful for this.
Sisters, Hugs to each and everyone of you.
Zoey
