Well I've started adjusting to the new normal. Today was a big day as Susan's wig came. It was a little shocking but I think I handled it with grace.  She's asking about make up. We applied a little bit of my foundation on her. And dang if she didn't look good in it! That was as far as I was able to go with it.  Maybe in a few days or week....I am reminding myself I don't have to jump into everything with both feet.

At least all my tears have stopped and no anger. I'm finding that communication is really key! And we really are talking. Funny thing is she loves to talk! Maybe because she kept this all bottled up for years.

Quote from: Anne T on December 29, 2018, 01:50:18 AM
Well I've started adjusting to the new normal.

Anne, I commend you for responding so well. You are being so constructive! Hooray!

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Today was a big day as Susan's wig came. It was a little shocking but I think I handled it with grace.

Please tell us more. What does the wig look like? What does your spouse look like in it? How did you express your love for her, in response to the shock?

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  She's asking about make up. We applied a little bit of my foundation on her. And dang if she didn't look good in it! That was as far as I was able to go with it.  Maybe in a few days or week....I am reminding myself I don't have to jump into everything with both feet.

Sounds like you're doing great jumping in with both feet! It took my spouse and me 15 years or more to get to the point of HRT and makeup. You can read a bit about it in my thread  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241591.0.html 

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At least all my tears have stopped and no anger. I'm finding that communication is really key! And we really are talking. Funny thing is she loves to talk! Maybe because she kept this all bottled up for years.

Smiles to you, Anne. I  agree, "communication is really key!" Fabulous that she is feeling at ease enough to talk with you. You hold an important role of mentor and supporter now as she explores ways to express who she really is.

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Quote from: Moonflower on December 29, 2018, 07:23:02 PM

Anne, I commend you for responding so well. You are being so constructive! Hooray!

Thank you! I'm trying my best!


Please tell us more. What does the wig look like? What does your spouse look like in it? How did you express your love for her, in response to the shock?

The wig is layered and wavy with blond/brown highlights. I think it needs to be parted differently tho. She actually looks okay in it. I think she was shocked too because when she used to fully present as female in her 20's she looked younger in a wig and had all her make up on. 20+ years have gone by and there has been some aging. She was pretty disappointed because she was expecting to see her old presented self. The only thing I could do was give a kiss and bring out my old bag of cosmetics that are eons old and not really her colors. We put the foundation on which really looked good on her. Sometime next week we can get a few things for her coloring. I even have a pink cosmetics bag for her to keep her own stuff in.  Funny thing is..I'm not a girly girl myself. But by taking out that old cosmetic bag I ended up putting make up on last night when we went out. The first time in 6 years.  Maybe she's helping me get into touch with my feminine side?  We painted each other's toenails last night something I never do. She really likes them!


Sounds like you're doing great jumping in with both feet! It took my spouse and me 15 years or more to get to the point of HRT and makeup. You can read a bit about it in my thread  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

I don't think I can access your thread. I have to have so many posts to be able to access or become a member. But I will return to your link when that happens. Thank you for your support!


Smiles to you, Anne. I  agree, "communication is really key!" Fabulous that she is feeling at ease enough to talk with you. You hold an important role of mentor and supporter now as she explores ways to express who she really is.

we've always had great communication except for this one secret which is no longer a secret.

QuoteMaybe because she kept this all bottled up for years.

That's very likely the case.  Most of us here have kept it to ourselves, as we were afraid of what others would say or do.

Quote from: AnneK on December 29, 2018, 10:45:09 PM
That's very likely the case.  Most of us here have kept it to ourselves, as we were afraid of what others would say or do.

It's understandable. I really don't know what my response would have been early in our marriage. I don't think I woukd have been mature enough to have been able to deal with his transition.  Our relationship and love has only grown deeper over the years. That mature love wants his/her happiness and to let him feel free and safe.

Quote from: Anne T on December 29, 2018, 10:43:23 PM
The wig is layered and wavy with blond/brown highlights. I think it needs to be parted differently tho. She actually looks okay in it. I think she was shocked too because when she used to fully present as female in her 20's

Oh! I didn't realize that she ever presented full-time! Wow! I'm thinking back on what my spouse told me about dressing up in private when he was in his 30s, and then purging the stuff, to find that getting rid of Her wasn't so easy. Repeatedly.

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she looked younger in a wig and had all her make up on. 20+ years have gone by and there has been some aging. She was pretty disappointed because she was expecting to see her old presented self.

Oh! How painful!

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The only thing I could do was give a kiss and bring out my old bag of cosmetics

You are so sweet!

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that are eons old and not really her colors. We put the foundation on which really looked good on her. Sometime next week we can get a few things for her coloring. I even have a pink cosmetics bag for her to keep her own stuff in.  Funny thing is..I'm not a girly girl myself.

Again, Anne, you and I are alike. I was not a girly girl until my Beth decided to come out full-time. Now I love our "girly games" when we shop for pretty clothes and cosmetics, and I recall what to do with cosmetics and such. I haven't had any cosmetics since I was in my 20s, and they all irritated my skin. So nice to find products easily now that are safer.

And I love that she trusts my judgment about what looks good on her. As a man, he was clear about how he wanted to look. But as a woman, we are both learning a lot about femininity, and how to bring out ours.

I love that you gave her your pink bag. I'm noticing that there's something almost magical about pink things: they DELIGHT my Beth. She gravitates to Ballerina Pink with a strong magnetism that I don't recall ever experiencing. When she had been surrounded by pink things before, she must have had an even harder time staying in hiding. I have a new understanding of how hard it must have been for her to see my youngest child go through puberty, and emerge as a fashionista. So sad to think of the lost opportunities for them to connect by sharing this interest. By the way, we still haven't told my kids that she exists.

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But by taking out that old cosmetic bag I ended up putting make up on last night when we went out. The first time in 6 years.  Maybe she's helping me get into touch with my feminine side?  We painted each other's toenails last night something I never do. She really likes them!
...

I don't think I can access your thread. I have to have so many posts to be able to access or become a member. But I will return to your link when that happens. Thank you for your support

I'm so sorry, Anne. I forgot already what it's like to be a newby. I remember how unpleasant it was to run into brick walls.  But I see that you are past the first hurdle now, and can access more here. Congratulations!

Quote from: Anne T on December 29, 2018, 11:07:22 PM
That mature love wants his/her happiness and to let him feel free and safe.

Amen! I see myself as a Mother Bear again, like when my kids were growing up. When she presents as a woman, I'm on the lookout for any threats to my Beth's safety and well-being.

Quote from: Moonflower on December 30, 2018, 07:57:44 PM

Oh! I didn't realize that she ever presented full-time! Wow! I'm thinking back on what my spouse told me about dressing up in private when he was in his 30s, and then purging the stuff, to find that getting rid of Her wasn't so easy. Repeatedly. 

Quoteyes for about 13 yrs she presented female after work and on weekends. I think she had a lot of fun going to dance clubs and shopping freely. When we met he purged everything including her. Over the years I've found out that there were temptations while I was away visiting family. I had no clue that this inner turmoil was going on. [\quote]

QuoteI love that she trusts my judgment about what looks good on her. As a man, he was clear about how he wanted to look. But as a woman, we are both learning a lot about femininity, and how to bring out ours.

in this way the role are reversed he's owned an art store so color is both his and her "thing" . I could never understand how come he loved shopping with me for clothes. It was a release for him. I didn't know that was her shopping with me! And always wanting to style my hair. I wouldn't let him because I thought he didn't know anything about hair much less makeup. Turns out she's an expert at this stuff! I've always trust his judgement and now more so.

I love that you gave her your pink bag. I'm noticing that there's something almost magical about pink things: they DELIGHT my Beth. She gravitates to Ballerina Pink with a strong magnetism that I don't recall ever experiencing. When she had been surrounded by pink things before, she must have had an even harder time staying in hiding. I have a new understanding of how hard it must have been for her to see my youngest child go through puberty, and emerge as a fashionista. So sad to think of the lost opportunities for them to connect by sharing this interest. By the way, we still haven't told my kids that she exists.

Quoteyes and yes pink and pink! I'm more earth tones. So this will be interesting wardrobe wise!   We have raised 3 girls from my previous marriage and two of them are girly girly. He used to joke that our bathroom looked like a cosmetic store. We have no plans to tell our girls. They are all married with kids. There's no need right now unless the HRT really changes physical traits. 

I'm still struggling to learn how to break down these quotes. Bear with me!

QuoteI'm still struggling to learn how to break down these quotes. Bear with me!

Unless you want most of the post, I find the easiest way is to copy only the text you want and then click on the "Insert Quote" button.  It's the 4th from right in the tool bar.  Once you see where the quote is supposed to go, just paste it in.  I used this method with my quote from your post.

Quote from: Anne T on December 30, 2018, 09:15:25 PM
for about 13 yrs she presented female after work and on weekends. I think she had a lot of fun going to dance clubs and shopping freely.

I have to pause here to wrap my head around this. Wow! She was coming out, got so far, and then got stifled! Wow! So sad!

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When we met he purged everything including her. Over the years I've found out that there were temptations while I was away visiting family. I had no clue that this inner turmoil was going on.

Wow. Yeah. Inner turmoil could easily be attributed to distress about your being away. Her coming out now really says a lot about her finally feeling safe with you. It must feel really good for you to have earned this honor, even though it might seem inconvenient. How super terrific that the two of you can do this journey together now.

A dear friend here at Susan's responded to criticism that was presented as religious: if she had presented as a woman 20 or more years ago, she and her soul mate never would have met, married and raised their family. So, God knew what He was doing when He put her in a man's body. She was supposed to live as a man, and now live as the woman who she is. It's just terribly hard and painful to transition after so many years of suppression.

I've been sharing your story with my spouse. She asked me to share with you the link to her story https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242629.0.html 

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in this way the role are reversed he's owned an art store so color is both his and her "thing" .

That's marvelous! My BlueStar has always closely shadowed me when shopping. I walked slowly, observant of clues that she might be interested in something.

I have been teaching her how to sew, which she considered a feminine interest. I pointed out men at the fabric store, and cited examples of professional, respected men who designed and sewed clothes and quilts, but she never felt at ease at that store. I look forward to when she emerges and dives into the aisles and surfaces with fantastic ideas.

The local fabric store offers rather junky fabric, which she has pointed out, but there is one a few hours away that has heaps and rooms full of discounted designer fabrics. We will both find that heavenly, when we feel up to the long trip. She has a love of color and a vivid vision of design that awakens mine. I love seeing what she puts together.

She moves me every time she points out how drab the choices are in the men's department at clothing stores. She was stuck in that color scheme for so long.

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I could never understand how come he loved shopping with me for clothes. It was a release for him. I didn't know that was her shopping with me!

Yay! I'm excited about your recognizing glimpses of her!

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And always wanting to style my hair. I wouldn't let him because I thought he didn't know anything about hair much less makeup. Turns out she's an expert at this stuff! I've always trust his judgement and now more so.

Thanks for being here. Anne.