In February this year I confronted my brother regarding an issue with my mother. During the confrontation he became very angry and seeing that fuming anger in his eyes made me feel like I was four years old again. That feeling brought back a memory. He was often angry with me when I was young. All of my memories are tied to my emotional states which is why that feeling triggered it. The thing is I hadn't thought of this particular memory in probably thirty-five years...
Over the next few days I couldn't get it out of my head and I felt something slip in my head. I had felt the stress building for a long while prior to this incident and I could also feel that I had reached a breaking point. As I obsessed over this one memory and in particular how I could have forgotten it, it led to two more; equally disturbing to me as they seemed so important but yet I had forgotten them as well. Then those two led to four, led to eight, led to sixteen, led to thirty-two... It was an avalanche and I was in the middle of a full blown nervous breakdown.
As my broken and disjointed memories were letting me know this wasn't the first such breakdown I had experienced. And as broken and disjointed as they were these memories were also fast teaching me that I had deleted very large chucks of my life. I cried everyday as I feverishly began putting everything back together again. Double checking my own recollections of these events in my life as I went along to make sure my shattered mind was getting things right. Oddities began to emerge.
I remembered time spent at my best friend's house as a freshman in high school. These memories had me consulting the google gods to ask questions. Questions like "Is it possible to be a cross-dresser and still be a male heterosexual?"... That question led me here for an answer which only led to more questions. The answer was "Yes. In fact it's quite common. What may make it mean more is..."
The memories were still incoming as I got it into my head that I may want to try cross-dressing again. I remembered being so free and feeling so good when I used to do it before. And I was approaching an opportunity as my wife was going to be taking the kids on a weeklong trip to Oklahoma at the beginning of June. The next thing I know I'm wondering how to hide the parts most evident as male if I were to give it a try. Back to google who sent me back here for the answer. I actually prepared by purchasing men's briefs one size too small to begin getting myself used to tucking before my wife's trip and found once I started, I didn't want to stop. I got to the point I could wear it for two days and then needed to let them "rest". I cried that day because I couldn't just keep tucking. At that point it was "To hell with google" and I bookmarked this site. And started reading. I read a lot.
The memories were still incoming as the day of my wife's trip approached ever nearer. Still putting everything back together. Old questions I had never answered as a child were still there unanswered. Old feelings I had as a child and adolescent never explained were still there unexplained. My wife and kids left on their trip. And sat there, on my couch, for the first two days with the TV on but the volume turned all the way down and cried. Making excuses which couldn't excuse anything.
On the third day. I said it out loud. Two words. Two words which literally answered every question I ever had about myself but could never answer before. Two words which literally explained every feeling I ever had left unexplained with some stupid notion in my head that everyone must feel the same way but it's one of those things no one talks about, so they don't, and I didn't. Two words, came out of my mouth as four. "Oh %&#@... I'm transgender!"
Everything clicked. And at the same time, I knew I was screwed. I had buried this so deep I had lived twenty years with no clue. And I had married and had children with the love of my life during that time. What was going to do? I couldn't bury it again. And I was fast approaching a point where I was not going to be able to hide it. Because I didn't want to. Never again.
My wife came back and I was a complete wreck. I had started slipping. My sonance when speaking took a decidedly feminine turn. My mannerisms were changing. I had to tell her. It was the end of June. And I made an account here to begin joining the conversations and maybe get some advice.
Every day since then has been hell. She kept bouncing around through all the stages of grief except acceptance. Most prevalent was the anger. Directed at me as though this was deliberate. She thought of me as lying to her for the last twenty years. She wouldn't believe anything I said. I have been on the edge of a stress cliff constantly and she became my worst trigger to go flying off. I was emotionally, psychologically and physically abused by my stepfather from the age of six to fourteen because I was so vulnerable and that has apparently left me with a case of PTSD. The accusations from my wife would send me into episodes pretty easily and the flavor of my episodes is screaming at the top of my lungs, chiding the trigger (my wife) because everyone hates me while physically beating the crap out of... Me. I never become violent to anyone... But me. It is a complete loss of control which scares the living hell out of me. But once it starts, I can't stop it. My therapist recommended a pharmacological eval so I'm now taking medication for it but this secondary issue certainly hasn't been helping anything. My wife (at the recommendation of my therapist when she sat in for one of my sessions) is also in therapy for herself. I was very happy when she agreed to go get some help for herself. It has seemed that it was great for her to have some validation for her feelings, of course, but it was rather sad for me because that validation seemed to harden her toward me. I began to prepare to let her go. I figured we were not going to be able to move on unless it was after a separation. She felt the same so... Things looked bleak.
Two weeks ago she had therapy and after her appointment I texted to ask her how it went. She replied, "Very intense!" That night she explained to me that she had (with her therapists help) finally reached a point where she knew she was going to have to move forward, because staying where she was wasn't doing anyone any good. She said that rather than focus on a life she assumed we were going to have she was going to try and look at this as a new adventure. She said it would probably take some time but she was going to try. Two days later, she tells me she knows I'm a really a girl and she wants to support me... She says, "I think we can make it." She has been gauging our families. She's trying to figure out who we may be able to count on to stick with "Us" (Her word, not mine) and who we will likely lose. She has been asking how I'm doing and checking in on how I'm feeling. And I can now do the same in return. She explained that she is still going to be angry at times, it comes in waves. But she is angry at the situation, not me. And she explained that she is still going to be sad sometimes. I told her she has every right and I will try to be there when she wants me to be and I will leave her alone if she would be alone.
Yesterday morning our kids ripped through their presents with alarming speed leaving the last gifts to open the ones we gave to each other. I gave her Bath and Body Works lotions and she gave me a custom engraved keyring. She also got me a JCPenny gift card. To, "get something for yourself" (her words not mine.) I thanked her and leaned over to give her a hug and she became visibly sad and moved away from me. I didn't get mad. She got up and went to our room while our kids played with their new shiny things. I went back there about 5 minutes later and found her crying on our bed. She asked to be left alone. I didn't get mad. I told her I understood and left her alone. About 15 minutes later she came back out to the living room seemingly feeling better and let me give her a hug.
We were talking in the kitchen last night while our children were occupied and she repeated her warning that she wanted to stick with me and support me but that she will still get mad sometimes, and sometimes sad. Like had happened that very morning when she gave me the gift card. She said that giving me that was very hard for her. I told her the way I saw it, I will do my best to be respectful of her feelings as long as she's doing her best to respect mine. I told her that I would probably get a simple dress to wear privately when she and the kids aren't around till she feels she can handle it.
She said "NO!" She said "I don't want you hiding anything from me. That's why it was so hard to give it to you. I need to see the changes happen so I can accept what it is for what it is. I need you to tell me everything you're doing." I replied, "So I could wear it at night after the kids are in bed in our room with the door locked (against the kids walking in... For now) with you while we watch TV?" She said "Yes."
I actually cried tears of joy for the first time in a very long while... As for my journey. I have felt like it was stalled all this while until I could figure out what was going to happen with my family. I was devastated when I thought this was going to be the end. I am overjoyed that it looks like we have a real shot now! So put it in gear. It will be slow going I know. But we are moving forward now!
Thanks for reading this and thank all of you for being here for me the few times I needed to write. And the many times I needed to read. You have no idea how much you all have helped me just by being here. This will be my thread. I will resurrect it when necessary as things progress. Wish me luck!
<3 Erin
