The first time I was on HRT, I got to feeling so good that I became convinced that I didn't need to transition or take HRT. Coupled with a lot of stress in my life, I decided to stop HRT. My life and gender dysphoria got progressively worse after that to the point where I came dangerously close to attempting suicide.

I resumed HRT on December 15. Things have been amazing like before. But now the improvement is becoming "new normal" for me. I just feel great all the time, everyday. And I am starting to lose my intense desire and focus on transitioning.

I don't want another roller coaster of convincing myself to go off HRT go through all of that again.

I'm trying to figure out what my feelings and emotions are indicating. Am I just entering normal female hormone range and not feeling the intense need for transitioning because my brain is already believing that my body is coming into line? It's weird. I do still want to transition, but it has slid pretty far down my thought life's priority list. I'm feeling so much more comfortable now that it's almost like I have transitioned already.

If I don't see myself in the mirror, hear myself speak, or look at my clothing, I'm really not aware of much gender dysphoria most of the time.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

This is not an uncommon pattern.

Suppose you had terrible migraine headaches and the doctor prescribed medication to stop them.  You take the meds and the migraines go away.  You stop taking the meds and the migraines come back.  What is that telling you?  That the meds work and you need to keep taking them.

That is what is happening here, except it is dysphoria instead of migraines.

You might not need to transition beyond taking HRT.  That is totally cool, if that is what you decide to do.  Or you might change your mind later and decide to transition further.  That is cool, too.  These are things to figure out in consultation with your therapist.

But your experience so far is clear that you need to continue to take your HRT in order to feel good.

What about when you're misgendered?
Seems like a fantasy world honestly. If you could go on and off hormones for the rest of your life would you do it? By all means please don't do that or change your medications without consulting your doctor and therapist.

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Quote from: BlueJaye on January 03, 2019, 01:41:32 PM
The first time I was on HRT, I got to feeling so good that I became convinced that I didn't need to transition or take HRT. Coupled with a lot of stress in my life, I decided to stop HRT. My life and gender dysphoria got progressively worse after that to the point where I came dangerously close to attempting suicide.

I resumed HRT on December 15. Things have been amazing like before. But now the improvement is becoming "new normal" for me. I just feel great all the time, everyday. And I am starting to lose my intense desire and focus on transitioning.

I don't want another roller coaster of convincing myself to go off HRT go through all of that again.

I'm trying to figure out what my feelings and emotions are indicating. Am I just entering normal female hormone range and not feeling the intense need for transitioning because my brain is already believing that my body is coming into line? It's weird. I do still want to transition, but it has slid pretty far down my thought life's priority list. I'm feeling so much more comfortable now that it's almost like I have transitioned already.

If I don't see myself in the mirror, hear myself speak, or look at my clothing, I'm really not aware of much gender dysphoria most of the time.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Yes!  You have successfully removed the neuroendocrine system's distress from running on the 'wrong' chemistry, quelling that pesky chemical distress alarm from all that testosterone.  (Yes, metaphor.  But close enough to what's happened.)

I experienced that as well.  In fact, I thought that what I was feeling was some sort of drug-induced euphoria.  My therapist showed me notes and after discussion, I realized that what I thought of as euphoria was the absence of the internal depression and anxiety that my pre-HRT chemistry and life of hiding had induced.

As I adjusted to the new balance, my therapist's guidance allowed me to identify other sources of discomfort, my body and social gender-related dysphoria, and over several months I determined what steps I might need to take to address these issues.  Full-time life and finding an accepting community helped tremendously with the social dysphoria, and my body related dysphoria could be addressed with additional medical transition procedures.

It sounds like HRT has been successful in alleviating one source of your dysphoria.  Just let that settle in, and allow yourself to be open to sensing any remaining sources of discomfort that may show themselves once you adjust to your 'new normal.'

And, congratulations on reaching this point with what sounds like a very successful treatment!

Quote from: Allison S on January 03, 2019, 01:59:28 PM
What about when you're misgendered?
Seems like a fantasy world honestly. If you could go on and off hormones for the rest of your life would you do it? By all means please don't do that or change your medications without consulting your doctor and therapist.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

No, I don't want to flip flop on and off HRT for the rest of my life. That's exactly what I am afraid of and wanting to prevent. I notice that something I experienced last time is repeating and I am trying understand it so I don't go off HRT again go careening off into suicidal behavior again.

Being misgendered is something I can tolerate for now. Does it bug me? Yes. But I have to be honest with myself: I am very, very early in transition and still present as male in public. How could anybody NOT see me as male at this point? Once things get further along I am ready to transition publicly, I am certain that misgendering will be a more painful issue than it is right now.

Don't misunderstand me, I DO still want to fully transition. But the intensity of that desire has really quieted down. Before HRT, I wanted it so bad, I would done anything to make it happen as quickly as possible. Now I don't feel any particular rush. I just kind of feel like it'll happen when I'm ready and I no longer feel stressed out about wanting to hurry it along.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 03, 2019, 01:58:27 PM
This is not an uncommon pattern.

Suppose you had terrible migraine headaches and the doctor prescribed medication to stop them.  You take the meds and the migraines go away.  You stop taking the meds and the migraines come back.  What is that telling you?  That the meds work and you need to keep taking them.

That is what is happening here, except it is dysphoria instead of migraines.

You might not need to transition beyond taking HRT.  That is totally cool, if that is what you decide to do.  Or you might change your mind later and decide to transition further.  That is cool, too.  These are things to figure out in consultation with your therapist.

But your experience so far is clear that you need to continue to take your HRT in order to feel good.

Yes, this is the kind of thing I was suspecting I am experiencing. I don't want a seesaw life of going on HRT then off, back to suicidal thoughts and feelings, back on HRT until I "normalize" then off again, and so forth.

Your analogy to migraine medication is very good. That's what it is like. I start feeling really good, and somehow I feel like I am "cured" (because the treatment is actually working) and then stop treatment. The symptoms re-intensify and the cycle starts again. Kind of like when you are sick and the doctor gives you 10 days' worth of antibiotics. They always tell you to take all ten days' worth. Three days later the medication is working, you're feeling better, and stop taking it. A week later the infection comes back with a vengeance.

Quote from: Allison S on January 03, 2019, 01:59:28 PM
What about when you're misgendered?

Some of us are sufficiently confident in our identities that misgendering results in nothing more than the offender getting a dirty look. I know who and what I am and don't feel I need a whole lot of external validation.

Quote from: PurplePelican on January 03, 2019, 02:58:27 PM
Some of us are sufficiently confident in our identities that misgendering results in nothing more than the offender getting a dirty look. I know who and what I am and don't feel I need a whole lot of external validation.

Sorry but to me that sounds like it's lonely like before transitioning... what's the point then of hrt, surgeries, voice lessons, (very painful) hair removal?  Of course, it's a given that a person does all these things for themselves. I've heard from people who are on hrt for years and never socially transition. Being misgendered is a given for some, but I don't think that's something most trans people are happy with accepting...

Quote from: Allison S on January 03, 2019, 03:07:54 PM
Sorry but to me that sounds like it's lonely like before transitioning... what's the point then of hrt, surgeries, voice lessons, (very painful) hair removal?  Of course, it's a given that a person does all these things for themselves. I've heard from people who are on hrt for years and never socially transition. Being misgendered is a given for some, but I don't think that's something most trans people are happy with accepting...

Lonely? Nope. I have a busy social life and am frequently out and about in public spaces. I also interact with a large number of strangers though work. But then, loneliness has never been a companion of mine unless I wanted it.

Nope, all those things are not a given. Reassignment surgery is not happening for me - I have sedation/anesthesia issues that are likely to cause death. Introspection suggests to me that I probably wouldn't have it even if I could.

I didn't transition to become some "socially acceptable" woman, I transitioned simply to be comfortable in this shell. And I've achieved that. And what makes you think I accept misgendering? I don't. I just don't see a point in making a song and dance about it - kinda like the reactions of my cis friends.

Oh, and I did start my comment with "Some of us", I was not implying it was a common situation, I wish it was.

Its a classic story and the same thing happened to me, only I did it a few times. The one good thing that came from it is that I know for a certainty I'm trans and can't survive without HRT. I never have doubts.

Personally I'd suggest planning and starting your transition. While you're still presenting male get facial hair removal out of the way as soon as possible because it takes at least 18 months, and you won't like facial hair when you're presenting female.

We do see this scenario of taking hormones then stopping because we feel better a lot. The closest I came was stopping my OTC supplements after I had achieved sufficient breast growth and feminization. Two weeks later I was back on them because the oily skin and greasy hair had returned, in addition to being in a bad mood. About six months later I switched to prescription HRT and haven't looked back.

Quote from: Allison S on January 03, 2019, 03:07:54 PM
Sorry but to me that sounds like it's lonely like before transitioning... what's the point then of hrt, surgeries, voice lessons, (very painful) hair removal?  Of course, it's a given that a person does all these things for themselves. I've heard from people who are on hrt for years and never socially transition. Being misgendered is a given for some, but I don't think that's something most trans people are happy with accepting...

It makes for a long, bumpy road if you give other people the power to control your happiness. I generally get gendered female based on my presentation, but at Halloween, a crowd of children yelled "Trick or treat!" when I opened the door. Except one kid, who said "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said "I'm not sure." which caused him to point accusingly at me and shout "You're a BOY!" It's been a great source of amusement for Megan and I ever since.

Enlightened people will treat you with the respect and decency that modern society deems appropriate. It doesn't necessarily mean that you "passed". Children have no such filter. They call it the way they see it. You can't control other people's thoughts and actions. You can control how you react.

Quote from: Devlyn on January 04, 2019, 03:30:35 AM
We do see this scenario of taking hormones then stopping because we feel better a lot. The closest I came was stopping my OTC supplements after I had achieved sufficient breast growth and feminization. Two weeks later I was back on them because the oily skin and greasy hair had returned, in addition to being in a bad mood. About six months later I switched to prescription HRT and haven't looked back.

Is it not too bold, and against forum rules, to ask what your supplements were?

Sadly, the forum rules do prohibit discussion of my herbal supplement, as this topic clearly states. 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196599.0.html

Quote from: Devlyn on January 04, 2019, 04:18:51 AM
Sadly, the forum rules do prohibit discussion of my herbal supplement, as this topic clearly states. 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196599.0.html

Perhaps more reading is required on my part.  A nudge is as good as a wink.

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 04, 2019, 02:51:09 AM
The one good thing that came from it is that I know for a certainty I'm trans and can't survive without HRT. I never have doubts.

Yes I can relate to this absolutely. HRT removed my doubts completely and is to some degree responsible for removing my embarrassment. I cannot survive without HRT. I shall publicly transition later this year.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: BlueJaye on January 03, 2019, 01:41:32 PM
The first time I was on HRT, I got to feeling so good that I became convinced that I didn't need to transition or take HRT. Coupled with a lot of stress in my life, I decided to stop HRT. My life and gender dysphoria got progressively worse after that to the point where I came dangerously close to attempting suicide.

I resumed HRT on December 15. Things have been amazing like before. But now the improvement is becoming "new normal" for me. I just feel great all the time, everyday. And I am starting to lose my intense desire and focus on transitioning.

I don't want another roller coaster of convincing myself to go off HRT go through all of that again.

I'm trying to figure out what my feelings and emotions are indicating. Am I just entering normal female hormone range and not feeling the intense need for transitioning because my brain is already believing that my body is coming into line? It's weird. I do still want to transition, but it has slid pretty far down my thought life's priority list. I'm feeling so much more comfortable now that it's almost like I have transitioned already.

If I don't see myself in the mirror, hear myself speak, or look at my clothing, I'm really not aware of much gender dysphoria most of the time.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

THAT IS MY LIFE EXACTLY.

Kind redards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I look at my situation this way, should I want to live the rest of my live feeling wonderful or continue as I was for many years, but miserable?

I knew that transition would bring on a lot of changes in me, not only in physical appearance, but also with family who are not able to accept my transition.

The first and most important thing I did was to accept myself for who I am. After that, everything else just seemed to fall in place.

Quote from: Dani on January 04, 2019, 08:00:26 PM
I look at my situation this way, should I want to live the rest of my live feeling wonderful or continue as I was for many years, but miserable?

I knew that transition would bring on a lot of changes in me, not only in physical appearance, but also with family who are not able to accept my transition.

The first and most important thing I did was to accept myself for who I am. After that, everything else just seemed to fall in place.

I wished that I had listen to that Old Salt philosopher, Popeye, all those years ago, "I yam what I yam & dats ALL what I yam".

Quote from: Michelle_P on January 03, 2019, 02:02:27 PM
Yes!  You have successfully removed the neuroendocrine system's distress from running on the 'wrong' chemistry, quelling that pesky chemical distress alarm from all that testosterone.  (Yes, metaphor.  But close enough to what's happened.)

I experienced that as well.  In fact, I thought that what I was feeling was some sort of drug-induced euphoria.  My therapist showed me notes and after discussion, I realized that what I thought of as euphoria was the absence of the internal depression and anxiety that my pre-HRT chemistry and life of hiding had induced.

Exactly the same for me. Once HRT settled in, there were so many positive mood and neurological changes, that I concluded, "okay, this is what it's like when the brain is getting the chemistry it was designed for as a female brain." Mood, memory, cognition, mental stamina all improved dramatically for me. It did not do away with my genital dysphoria, however, so I'm planning GCS to take care of that.