After knowing I have been trans for most of my life, I did these things in the past three months: went to a therapist, made a decision to transition, did a few sessions of laser therapy, came out to a few friends and family, haven't cut my hair since September, and lost 35 pounds (since September) and feel like I've made a real lifestyle change when it comes to diet. I'm very proud of what I've been able to do and I feel much happier.

But now, transition is about to get real very quickly and it involves steps where I can't undo things....in January I start hormones, electrolysis and voice therapy. In February, I will be letting people know I'm moving away from my current home. In April, I move and in May, I file paperwork for the name and gender change.

So in the next five months, I'll be taking a lot of steps that, in combination, represent a leap of faith, a series of steps after which I really can't go back and I just have to deal with the luck of the draw when it comes to changes in my body, my personal life and my professional life.

And since I am making a choice to largely go stealth in a new town post-transition, I'll be losing a lot of my friends forever. And I'm giving up a lot of personal and professional privilege, since I come from a fairly well-to-do position in my current town.

And while I go through the awkward first year of transition, it's going to be pretty lonely because I'm very reluctant to make new friends in my new town until I can reasonably pass.

It's all very scary...I'll know I'll push through the fear, because this is what I've wanted all my life and I'm not turning back now. But still, it really is a leap of faith - you don't know whether life will be better or worse. And it's particularly tough for me, because I'm losing most of my friends and a lot of privilege...these things prevented me from embracing transition previously. And now that I'm standing over the cliff about the make the leap, I have a ton of butterflies and deep fears coming up.

Any words of support are appreciated :-)

Sarah,

  Wow.  It just goes to prove that transgender people are planners.  We need to be.

If you weren't nervous I would worry more.  But you appear to be going into this with your eyes open.

Good luck.

Denise

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Sarah, I think most of us reach a point in our life when we realize we must take that leap even though we are unsure about what may lie ahead. I understood that the gamble could cost all of my friends and everyone that I love, but I simply could not continue down the path I was on. Starting over in a new place with no baggage to hold you back gives you an opportunity to reshape your life into what you want it to be. The next year or so will be full of challenges, but anyone who recognizes their need to transition and is willing to take that leap is strong enough to do anything. Your friends at Susan's Place will always be around to help. I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

@sarahc
Dear Sarah:
What you are describing about your feelings and emotions regarding starting your transition journey is something that many transitioners have faced. 
Without any doubt, transitioning certainly is a very big life-changing event that will affect every area of your life...  relationships with parents and family members, past friendships, employment and career ramifications, etc, etc. 

You don't have to do too much reading here on other member's threads to see that the issues that you mentioned are things that can sometimes be resolved positively and perhaps sometimes some of those issues will present great difficulties.

Everything you mentioned are very important reasons for having sessions with a qualified Gender Therapist BEFORE starting HRT and later on the possibly irreversible transition process.  Those therapy sessions will help a person to FULLY ponder those issues and verify and validate their own commitment to transition.

Some of the things that you mentioned that you think will happen may not be written in stone... you may surprised to have family members and past friends that will accept you and your transition decision.   Also depending on your employment environment, you may find accommodation and acceptance there.    Most certainly you can continue to make new friends during your first year of transition even well before you pass reliably.   All of this is not to say that you won't face discouragement and difficulty, but there is also hope and successful stories to back it up.

Please plan to continue reading other members transition threads to see what their situation is and what solutions are working for them.

Having nervousness and butterflies is absolutely normal for most, but it is vitally important be very certain of your future life course so that you can have the tenacity and will-power to see yourself through to reaching your goals.

Please continue posting your thoughts and sharing your feelings.   There are a lot of like-minded members here that can identify with what you have stated.

We are your biggest fans and supporters.... please know that we are rooting for you no matter what you determine that your path will be... just be very certain about your feelings.


Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

@sarahc
Dear Sarah:
I have so much enjoyed your updates as you are beginning in your journey. 
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience so hang on for an exciting ride.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on December 31, 2018, 03:31:09 PM
@sarahc
Dear Sarah:
I have so much enjoyed your updates as you are beginning in your journey. 
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience so hang on for an exciting ride.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Thank you Danielle! I think we share a fair amount in common...like you, I will be starting a business in the midst of transition, so I take hope from your success.

Sarah

Quote from: Denise on December 31, 2018, 01:39:59 PM
Sarah,

  Wow.  It just goes to prove that transgender people are planners.  We need to be.

If you weren't nervous I would worry more.  But you appear to be going into this with your eyes open.

Good luck.

Denise

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

My therapist has in fact remarked that I might be overplanning transition and that you have to be a bit more flexible...but uncertainty makes me fidgety. I'm a lot more happier when I know there is a plan (even if it gets thrown out the window later on).

Sarah

I see nothing wrong with planning.  But what actually happens and when is sometimes influenced by external forces.

In my case FFS and electrolysis were delayed about a year because of insurance.  GCS was move sooner (if I was ever going to do it) by an uncontrollable bout with dysphoria one day.  I was scared and people around me were scared for me. I couldn't live through it again it was so strong.

You just never know, but I think a rough, flexible plan is a good thing.  It will also help you to mark the passage of time as you complete things on the list.  Just don't worry too much about the dates.


Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Why don't you do the name and gender change before you move?
Also, how stealth do you plan to be in your new town? I feel like being on hrt a few months may not be enough for most people to go "stealth". Realisticaly it can take a couple years and ffs, but it depends.
Anyway, it is a good plan and I understand when you just need to do something it has to happen.

Just make sure your expectations are in line with the course of transitioning with hrt so you're not overwhelmingly discouraged... Specifically I mean with being stealth and passing. But I don't know what being stealth means to you so I won't assume.
Good luck with your plan! Is there anywhere we can follow your journey?

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I can't do the name and gender change before I move because if I do the name change in the county i currently live in, someone will likely see the public notice in the local newspaper. And I want to move sooner rather than later because I'm growing out my hair and if I go beyond the spring in my current home, people in my current hometown will think something is wrong.

I should note that one additional objective is to leave my current hometown as discreetly as possible. That is not going to be as easy as it sounds, as I have heavy roots in my hometown and am involved in lots of community activities. And basically, I need to extract myself from these community activities and leave my current hometown without anyone thinking that the reason I'm leaving is because of my transition. I know this isn't a huge consideration for most transitioners, but for a lot of complicated reasons, it's hugely important to me. My therapist has said that my social situation is quite unusual among transitioners, but she agrees that I have to leave my current community. It's very sad, and the biggest emotional cost of my transition.

You can do it Sarah.

Audentis fortuna iuvat or fortune favors the brave/bold.

If you need to leave then leave. My suggestion is uproot now, transition and then move again. No matter your position you owe nothing to no one unless of course you are in some way obligated and can't get out of it.

This is probably difficult but nothing like pulling the bandaid off rather then trying to go slow.

Quote from: sarahc on December 31, 2018, 04:16:32 PM
My therapist has in fact remarked that I might be overplanning transition and that you have to be a bit more flexible...but uncertainty makes me fidgety. I'm a lot more happier when I know there is a plan (even if it gets thrown out the window later on).

Sarah

I feel the same as you!
I came out at work mid Nov and it went very well. It is a new position and I had only been there 6 weeks. My plan had been to wait until I had been there 3 months but I got in to see the Psychiatrist early and he was very happy with how well I had planned everything. I had written everything up into a detailed letter to him.
It had my GP details, medications, existing medical checks etc. He said he could have me on hormones within a fortnight and that I should come out at work the soonest because I would start to change from the hormones soon.

Quote from: sarahc on January 04, 2019, 08:31:56 AM
I can't do the name and gender change before I move because if I do the name change in the county i currently live in, someone will likely see the public notice in the local newspaper. And I want to move sooner rather than later because I'm growing out my hair and if I go beyond the spring in my current home, people in my current hometown will think something is wrong.

I should note that one additional objective is to leave my current hometown as discreetly as possible. That is not going to be as easy as it sounds, as I have heavy roots in my hometown and am involved in lots of community activities. And basically, I need to extract myself from these community activities and leave my current hometown without anyone thinking that the reason I'm leaving is because of my transition. I know this isn't a huge consideration for most transitioners, but for a lot of complicated reasons, it's hugely important to me. My therapist has said that my social situation is quite unusual among transitioners, but she agrees that I have to leave my current community. It's very sad, and the biggest emotional cost of my transition.

My gut instinct would be to try coming out to those around you anyway, if you have to move then so be it, but if you're planning on leaving anyway then it shouldn't matter. From context it sounds like you might be in some sort f religious community, and that can be tough. In that case I'm with natalierene and think you should move, transition and move again. Also I'm not sure how old you are but it will likely take more than 4 months to be passable unless you're very feminine to begin with.

All the best and I hope you find what you're looking for.

Quote from: sarahc on January 04, 2019, 08:31:56 AM
I can't do the name and gender change before I move because if I do the name change in the county i currently live in, someone will likely see the public notice in the local newspaper. And I want to move sooner rather than later because I'm growing out my hair and if I go beyond the spring in my current home, people in my current hometown will think something is wrong.

I should note that one additional objective is to leave my current hometown as discreetly as possible. That is not going to be as easy as it sounds, as I have heavy roots in my hometown and am involved in lots of community activities. And basically, I need to extract myself from these community activities and leave my current hometown without anyone thinking that the reason I'm leaving is because of my transition. I know this isn't a huge consideration for most transitioners, but for a lot of complicated reasons, it's hugely important to me. My therapist has said that my social situation is quite unusual among transitioners, but she agrees that I have to leave my current community. It's very sad, and the biggest emotional cost of my transition.

Something about this post feels like your not being true to yourself. If you are a valuable part of your community, then they should value you and accept you for who you are. If your community rejects you, then your community didn't deserve you in the first place. Most of the time, people will accept a transitioner however when they don't, you learn the true nature of those people and you don't feel the loss of them. In the end, it's your decision but if you value your community, you owe them the chance to prove their worth.

Quote from: Dena on January 04, 2019, 04:37:39 PM
Something about this post feels like your not being true to yourself. If you are a valuable part of your community, then they should value you and accept you for who you are. If your community rejects you, then your community didn't deserve you in the first place. Most of the time, people will accept a transitioner however when they don't, you learn the true nature of those people and you don't feel the loss of them. In the end, it's your decision but if you value your community, you owe them the chance to prove their worth.

I have a different perspective on this. Let me give you an example of my thinking. I sit on the board of directors of two non-profits. If I transitioned and stayed on the boards, it would likely create controversy for the non-profits and consternation among the non-profits' stakeholders. As a board member, my job is to act in the best interests of the non-profit. If my actions create negative press, my responsibility is to step down because that's what's in the best interest of the non-profit.

I can understand others' perspective that I should use my position to act for social justice but honestly I really don't want to be an activist. I just want to move on and build a quiet life as a woman.

Quote from: sarahc on January 05, 2019, 05:05:53 AM
I can understand others' perspective that I should use my position to act for social justice but honestly I really don't want to be an activist. I just want to move on and build a quiet life as a woman.

You know your own life better than we do, and I completely understand the feeling of wanting to start over. Obviously I'm not going to tell you what you should do with your life. I do wonder if some of this is internalized transphobia? I've been transitioning for a year and a half and full time for more than 6 months and I still get feelings that I'm a "burden" and "normal" people shouldn't be expected to put up with me. I didn't want to be an activist either, but I did get somewhat politically active during the last election. When I posted about it on Facebook and I would get these outpourings of support I would feel embarrassed, and my first thoughts would be that these people were just "virtue signaling." Again I don't know you, but if you're on the board of multiple nonprofits then you're probably a pretty remarkable person. If it is internalized transphobia then it will follow you around no matter where you go.

That being said, I do sometimes think about just pulling up roots, moving to another city and trying to start over where everyone knows me as a woman. If I do that it will be because I want to not because I feel I need to for others.

Again I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, it's just that the way you're writing, it feels like you're selling yourself short.

Quote from: sarahc on January 05, 2019, 05:05:53 AM
I have a different perspective on this. Let me give you an example of my thinking. I sit on the board of directors of two non-profits. If I transitioned and stayed on the boards, it would likely create controversy for the non-profits and consternation among the non-profits' stakeholders. As a board member, my job is to act in the best interests of the non-profit. If my actions create negative press, my responsibility is to step down because that's what's in the best interest of the non-profit.

I can understand others' perspective that I should use my position to act for social justice but honestly I really don't want to be an activist. I just want to move on and build a quiet life as a woman.

Then resign. Don't answer any questions and leave. Simply say you are leaving for personal reasons that you won't discuss and wish both boards well. They will be fine without you. If there is one thing I have learned is the universe is not centered around any individual person.

I get the feeling people respect that you have to handle things your way, but are a little worried about you Sarah. I am certainly not going to try to tell you how to manage your transition. I do wonder if you seem uncomfortable facing anyone from your old life as your new self. It can be a scary thing to do. I hope you do not miss out on what can be a very validating and uplifting thing, getting positive responses from people you now know. Your call though.

When I transitioned, my first year of work, I was very quiet, perhaps timid, as I tried to get my legs under me. The longer I went, the more I allowed my personality to show. As I gained confidence, I allowed myself to be more outgoing.

I wish you the best.

Quote from: NatalieRene on January 05, 2019, 12:35:25 PM
Then resign. Don't answer any questions and leave. Simply say you are leaving for personal reasons that you won't discuss and wish both boards well. They will be fine without you. If there is one thing I have learned is the universe is not centered around any individual person.

Totally agree with this line of thinking in principle. In my situation, however, if I resign for undisclosed reasons, everyone is going to then ask my mother what is really going on (because news spreads like wildfire in community), and so she and I have to come up with a credible but not revealing story about why I'm really leaving. It also means that I have to resign from these boards in a graceful way because actions I do would reflect negatively on her. A big consideration is this whole process is trying to minimize negative blowback on my mother. I know I don't have to feel like this, but I don't think she deserves negative blowback for actions I take...

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 05, 2019, 01:20:23 PM
I get the feeling people respect that you have to handle things your way, but are a little worried about you Sarah. I am certainly not going to try to tell you how to manage your transition. I do wonder if you seem uncomfortable facing anyone from your old life as your new self. It can be a scary thing to do. I hope you do not miss out on what can be a very validating and uplifting thing, getting positive responses from people you now know. Your call though.

When I transitioned, my first year of work, I was very quiet, perhaps timid, as I tried to get my legs under me. The longer I went, the more I allowed my personality to show. As I gained confidence, I allowed myself to be more outgoing.

I wish you the best.

Yeah, it's a bummer that I will lose a connection with many friends, although I hope to reconnect with some of them a few months after I move. Coming out to the limited number people I have come out to so far has been very gratifying, and in fact there will be a lot of people in my community who will be accepting. But there will also be many people who won't be accepting, and my presence will be divisive. I don't want to create division in my social network and in the organizations I care about.

And it would be really hard to stay in my community and be able to fully participate in it - there is just too much history of people (especially many older people) who have known me for too long and can't make the mental adjustment without freaking out. That's why I want to move...because I want to live in a community where I CAN fully participate in it.

Sarah