Once again my post that comes every few months. Finally completed my music certificate, now just waiting for the college to mail it to my because I don't really feel like going to the graduation ceremony for a certificate that took me 3 years to get when it should have only taken one and half... Going back in the spring semester to finish my culinary certificate.

December was overall a weird month for me. I guess the realization of everything that happened in 2018 came crashing down all at once, spent the majority of the month hiding in my room, only leaving for finals and the once a week I cook for my family. Christmas itself was interesting, first time not having my brother or uncle there since they both moved out of state last year.

Coming into January, so far feeling a bit more positive and trying to improve myself by a lot, gained a bit of weight over December and didn't realize it until I couldn't fit into my pants the other day. Now working on eating smaller portions and working out.. Kind of my curse I guess, I am really good at cooking, but have the bad habit of over eating

Anyways the point of the post.. I realized tonight that it is weird, I have no problem talking to people online about me being transgender. I think the majority of the people I care about online know, I have talked about it on my various YT channels over the years, and I have no problem talking about it on my Twitch stream.. Yet I can't seem to talk to anyone IRL about it. My mom knows, and I was able to email her about it, mentioning that I wanted to talk to her IRL about it, but i have yet to do that.. over a year later.

I feel like my lack of ability to talk to my mom about it is literally the only thing keeping me from transition at this point, since I don't have my driver's license I am kind of relying on her to drive me to my appointments, which I can't make if I don't talk to her about it. I am also trying to respect her request that she expressed in the email, that she wants to be the one to tell my dad, or at least I guess be there when I do.

My original excuse is that I wanted to give her a week or two to process it, but that week turned into months, and those months have turned into over a year. I am 22 now and while I still feel like I got lucky with puberty, I can tell my body is still changing since more facial hair is appearing(literally like the only thing besides my voice and  "down there" that bothers me, even okay with my height). I guess I feel like now I am wasting even more time since Kaiser is probably going to be very slow.

In the meantime, slowly learning to drive, and hoping to start working on my voice again. Just kind of hoping I get some random boost of confidence so I can talk to my mom :/

I am nobody to judge because I hid, and in a way I am still hiding... and I too struggle to come out. Sometimes the big secret gets in the way of making new friends and being happy.

But you are 22 and I am in my 40s... you've got time on your side. I wished I had done something about it when I was 22... before I started losing my hair and growing body hair in weird places as if to compensate.

Your mother knows and she seems to be accepting... I see little to fear there. And if you've been talking about this on YouTube etc. Then the world already knows and you are already out. I have YT channel but I am only out to people here, my local trans group, my GP, and my wife... I only have 360 subscribers but I still get stopped locally to chat about my videos. People know who I am. So if you have been talking about being trans on YT, assume that people will likely already know.

As I have to keep reminding myself, be brave, your dreams are found on the other side of fear.  But that is advice I need to take myself... so I am not in a position to tell you anything other than I regret my cowardice.

Your mother sounds awesome, have a little faith in her.

love
Alice

Madison,

I would have to say that the anonymity of the Internet makes coming out and talking about things like being transgender so much easier because you don't have to look that other party in the eye when you say the things that you are sharing. It does make talking about sensitive topics much easier when there are no obvious repercussions. You aren't going to get jumped and beaten to death over the Internet. That is something that is a very real fear for people who are transgender. We all have to take that possibility into consideration when we share things in real life.

I find it very encouraging that your mom appears to be open to your true self. You might be surprised at just how much easier she could make things for you after you actually speak to her and share your feelings. Never pass up the opportunity to share with an open listener. There is nothing as freeing as getting that secret out in the open.

Like Alice, I need to take this advice to heart and share more with those that matter to me. I don't know what I would be doing if I hadn't been able to talk to this with my therapist and my GP. They have been so helpful in convincing me that being authentic to myself is of the utmost importance. Living in a way that will make you comfortable in your own skin is the only way to make progress. That will be different for everybody but I sure hope that you can find that path that works best for you. Have faith in those that you love that they will accept you for who you are. Best of luck to you on your journey. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Dear Madison,

I can relate to much of what you describe.  I don't know if my experience will resonate with you, but I hope it is helpful.

When I am in a situation where I can talk about my transition or being transgender there is often a voice in my head, and that voice will take on the face and sound of my Mom or wife. I am fearful of my wife's disapproval, or my Mother's, but in reality my brain is kind of hijacking their face and voice to scare me (because it is darn effective).  This is not to say that my wife isn't angry at me or my Mom is completely supportive, but the thing that keeps me quiet is that made up voice, that assumption, the prediction of how the conversation will go.  For me I think that shaming, scaring voice in my head is the accumulation of all the years of harassment, social messaging and bullying that I either witnessed or experienced.  There is a great book called "Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within" that has been helpful for me in understanding how that inner voice consistently blocks me from my truth and happiness.

We are conditioned as human beings to go along with social norms and pressure from those we depend on, it's completely normal. I am great at being a girl in my quiet space, going out into the world is terrifying.  The voice gets LOUD and nasty and wants me to be ashamed to protect me from getting hurt. The problem is, I'm not really dependent on anyone any longer, the voice is left over baggage, and old program running in my head.

I've also learned to be really gentle with myself.  I HOPE that I can make this journey something wonderful, not a grind.  I have found something deeply important to me, a clear direction.  In a way, although it is hard, I have something a lot of people don't have.  A 100% meaningful purpose.  FINALLY.

I'm so pleased you have so much of this figured out at 22.  I am almost twice your age - you seem so much more self aware and confident than I was at your age. You will move mountains =D

love,

Jael

I think what is more bothering me now, after thinking more, is that I am just really not sure how to even bring it up after so many months. I guess just be like "hey can we talk about me being transgender?", although that is kind of blunt. I do think I am going to try to talk to her about it either this week or next week, my brother has college everyday the next few weeks, and my dad is going out of town either later this week or next week, for work, so it is kind of the perfect time I always dreamed about.

I do think for the first time since I realized I was transgender at 15, that I am finally at a place in life where I can actually transition without anything holding me up, aside from myself. In the past my big condition was that my nieces and nephews had to be at an age that wouldn't totally confuse them, they are now all either old enough to understand, or young enough that it wouldn't matter. For my brothers, my older brother lives on the other side of the country now, so if he isn't okay with it, it just means I won't go on family trips to visit him and his family. My other brother probably already knows to be honest, and if he isn't approving, it once again doesn't really effect me(very iffy relationship, he is probably moving next year anyways).

My dad can't really stop me since I am an adult and I highly doubt he would kick me out, since he still talks to his cousin who is a lesbian.

Actually overall just thinking about how it would effect family relationships, which has always been my biggest fear.. I don't think many people would outright hate me. Maybe my super religious aunts, but I noticed recently that most people are just cool with the LGBTQ+ thing nowadays(my cousin did say a transphobic thing years ago, but looking back it was just a bunch of dumb teen guys talking about something they didn't understand).

Also the fact that my mom knows hasn't really effected anything. It made being around her awkward at first, but overall not much changed relationship-wise, at most I noticed she is more willing to bring up LGBTQ+ stuff around me.

So.. yeah, guess my plan is to just talk to her already, at some point this month, hopefully before classes start on the 28th, so I can at least get an appointment with my GP before the semester gets intense.