Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on January 05, 2019, 06:41:27 AM
You know your own life better than we do, and I completely understand the feeling of wanting to start over. Obviously I'm not going to tell you what you should do with your life. I do wonder if some of this is internalized transphobia? I've been transitioning for a year and a half and full time for more than 6 months and I still get feelings that I'm a "burden" and "normal" people shouldn't be expected to put up with me. I didn't want to be an activist either, but I did get somewhat politically active during the last election. When I posted about it on Facebook and I would get these outpourings of support I would feel embarrassed, and my first thoughts would be that these people were just "virtue signaling." Again I don't know you, but if you're on the board of multiple nonprofits then you're probably a pretty remarkable person. If it is internalized transphobia then it will follow you around no matter where you go.

That being said, I do sometimes think about just pulling up roots, moving to another city and trying to start over where everyone knows me as a woman. If I do that it will be because I want to not because I feel I need to for others.

Again I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, it's just that the way you're writing, it feels like you're selling yourself short.

I'm not selling myself short, but I guess I'm selling the organizations I'm involved in short. The unfortunate reality is that my continued involvement in these organizations would be divisive - I don't want to create strife and division in these organizations. I will concede that many people in my current hometown would be supportive...but when you're talking about trying to get involved in leadership positions in community organizations, majority support isn't enough...you need consensus support. And there will always be a few people who sow doubt about the organizational risks of my involvement. That makes things tough.

Part of the reason I want to move is because I want to be fully involved in the community I live in. Unfortunately, for social reasons and because people in my current community have known me my whole life, I can't be fully involved in my current community post-transition because my involvement would always be a divisive issue because everyone will know my past. It's the tough reality I live in.

Remember that even former presidents pretty much fade into the background once they are out of office. I suspect that after a few months, few if any would barely remember that you were there.

What I would suggest is that you write a letter and put it to the board to decide if they want to keep you or not. If they don't, you could simply use the excuse that it's time for you to move on to other things in your life. I can understand if you no longer wish to serve with the charities however giving up your community is a pretty high price to pay. Remember that I had to do it just to find medical treatment and the result was a good deal of isolation until I was able to rebuild my life. The more support you can surround yourself with during the transition the easer the process is. Cutting all ties makes life very difficult.

A stealth transition is an option for some however from you ties to the community, I suspect you would find a stealth transition very difficult.

Quote from: Dena on January 06, 2019, 09:55:45 AM
Remember that even former presidents pretty much fade into the background once they are out of office. I suspect that after a few months, few if any would barely remember that you were there.

What I would suggest is that you write a letter and put it to the board to decide if they want to keep you or not. If they don't, you could simply use the excuse that it's time for you to move on to other things in your life. I can understand if you no longer wish to serve with the charities however giving up your community is a pretty high price to pay. Remember that I had to do it just to find medical treatment and the result was a good deal of isolation until I was able to rebuild my life. The more support you can surround yourself with during the transition the easer the process is. Cutting all ties makes life very difficult.

A stealth transition is an option for some however from you ties to the community, I suspect you would find a stealth transition very difficult.

My therapist and I recognize that this is going to be a lonely road for several months...unfortunately, we both agree that this is the least bad option in my case. It's very hard to understate the chaos that would take place in my community if I just came out to everyone. First of all, it would be very hard to keep things a secret, so even if I try to limit the news to a few people, the news would spread immediately - there's just too much gossiping in my community. In other words, it's going to be a mass coming out any way I come out. But if it comes out all at once to hundreds of people I then wouldn't be able to control the storyline. And then there would be a lot of panic and consternation, and I'd forever lose the confidence and trust of people who I have known for years. That's not what I want.

Far better for me to leave quietly and on relatively good terms and then to cut ties (and, as you say, be forgotten within a few months).

Trust me, this is a huge bummer to me...losing most of my social network will be the biggest regret of my likely transition, and honestly the desire not to pay the price of losing my social network is what held me back from transitioning all my life. But now I'm prepared to pay the price.

Quote from: sarahc on January 06, 2019, 09:35:45 PM
My therapist and I recognize that this is going to be a lonely road for several months...unfortunately, we both agree that this is the least bad option in my case. It's very hard to understate the chaos that would take place in my community if I just came out to everyone. First of all, it would be very hard to keep things a secret, so even if I try to limit the news to a few people, the news would spread immediately - there's just too much gossiping in my community. In other words, it's going to be a mass coming out any way I come out. But if it comes out all at once to hundreds of people I then wouldn't be able to control the storyline. And then there would be a lot of panic and consternation, and I'd forever lose the confidence and trust of people who I have known for years. That's not what I want.

Far better for me to leave quietly and on relatively good terms and then to cut ties (and, as you say, be forgotten within a few months).

Trust me, this is a huge bummer to me...losing most of my social network will be the biggest regret of my likely transition, and honestly the desire not to pay the price of losing my social network is what held me back from transitioning all my life. But now I'm prepared to pay the price.

The best thing to do is to not lie to anyone about your reasons for leaving. Just tell them that you were in deep thought and had an epiphany that you need to disconnect from your cozy, yet sedentary life, to go out to rediscover yourself.  In Aussie Land, they call that a walkabout.  In America, it is getting back to nature and to the Native, it is a Spirit  Journey.  Most cultures have these sort of things.  I suspect that the early sea faring explorers were doing their own sense of self-discovery.

If you read Alaskan Danielle's chronicles (a must read recommend), you will find that she had a similar apprehensions.

Quote from: sarahc on January 06, 2019, 06:19:29 AM
Totally agree with this line of thinking in principle. In my situation, however, if I resign for undisclosed reasons, everyone is going to then ask my mother what is really going on (because news spreads like wildfire in community), and so she and I have to come up with a credible but not revealing story about why I'm really leaving. It also means that I have to resign from these boards in a graceful way because actions I do would reflect negatively on her. A big consideration is this whole process is trying to minimize negative blowback on my mother. I know I don't have to feel like this, but I don't think she deserves negative blowback for actions I take...

I admire your devotion to your mother. Perhaps she should simply come with you or she can tell them nothing and ask for them to respect your privacy. Tim Cook is openly gay and he is running Apple. I don't like some of his managerial decisions but in no way has he disgraced the company. A nonprofit is still run like a business even if it is not for profit.

Any organization that would put you and your family through turmoil for nothing except being yourself is not worthy of such devotion. Furthermore if it has such phobias it could be bleeding out externally and hurting others. Maybe the boards should be dissolved and allow for a new board to better handle the affairs.

Quote from: sarahc on January 06, 2019, 06:27:41 AM
Yeah, it's a bummer that I will lose a connection with many friends, although I hope to reconnect with some of them a few months after I move. Coming out to the limited number people I have come out to so far has been very gratifying, and in fact there will be a lot of people in my community who will be accepting. But there will also be many people who won't be accepting, and my presence will be divisive. I don't want to create division in my social network and in the organizations I care about.

And it would be really hard to stay in my community and be able to fully participate in it - there is just too much history of people (especially many older people) who have known me for too long and can't make the mental adjustment without freaking out. That's why I want to move...because I want to live in a community where I CAN fully participate in it.

Sarah

Let's say you move to a new community and reconnect with some people from the old community. What is to stop them from black mailing you once you are established in the new community or talking to others who would in turn do so? If you desire stealth you can't reconnect with anyone. It's very similar to being in the witness protection program.

Beyond that assuming you are active in the community what would you do if someone else was struggling with themselves? Would you not hep them? If so then why would your current community not be able to do the same for you? Otherwise you would in the new community face the possibility of having to act against a brother or sister in order to stay stealth. Is that something you can live with?

I know that this is tough but there are some things that cannot be run from. We're all here for you.

Quote from: NatalieRene on January 06, 2019, 11:09:57 PM
I admire your devotion to your mother. Perhaps she should simply come with you or she can tell them nothing and ask for them to respect your privacy. Tim Cook is openly gay and he is running Apple. I don't like some of his managerial decisions but in no way has he disgraced the company. A nonprofit is still run like a business even if it is not for profit.

Any organization that would put you and your family through turmoil for nothing except being yourself is not worthy of such devotion. Furthermore if it has such phobias it could be bleeding out externally and hurting others. Maybe the boards should be dissolved and allow for a new board to better handle the affairs.

Absolutely no one whom I've come out to believes that it's in either my best interest or the organization's interest for me to stay on these boards, because both the organizations and I will face unwanted and unnecessary criticism and scrutiny...I'm trying to avoid scrutiny and keep things quiet. Trying to make me an issue for drama is exactly what I don't want. We can lament about where we are as a society on these matters, but it doesn't change the facts on the ground.

Quote from: sarahc on January 07, 2019, 08:40:43 AM
Absolutely no one whom I've come out to believes that it's in either my best interest or the organization's interest for me to stay on these boards, because both the organizations and I will face unwanted and unnecessary criticism and scrutiny...I'm trying to avoid scrutiny and keep things quiet. Trying to make me an issue for drama is exactly what I don't want. We can lament about where we are as a society on these matters, but it doesn't change the facts on the ground.

No matter what you do if you transition there will be scrutiny.

Furthermore how can you expect to serve on another board without scrutiny if you transition and had to leave the boards you're on because of the very fact that you needed to transition ? One way or another you'll have to face your demons.

Trust me. I had to go through it to get my TS SCI after transitioning. There is criticism for everything under the sun. I'm not saying use your position to be an advocate but I'm sensing something else under it all.