I'm sorry if this seems tawdry. I just have no one else to tell, and it's pretty momentous, for me.

I've been attracted to women exclusively all of my life. I've had the odd tingle in the other direction a couple of times in the past 40+ years; but hardly anyone is a "1" on the Kinsey scale -- right?

Since my egg cracked nearly two years ago, that exclusivity of attraction has persisted; but, once in a while, I felt an emotional response to a male that I would call "unusual" rather than sexual. I put that down to general changes since simply awakening as trans.

That changed yesterday. I have a job that engages the public on a daily basis; and a man came in who was roughly my age. Although I'm full-time, I don't pass; but he was perfectly congenial, humorous, gay (in the original sense), a real pleasure to deal with -- and it happened. I got turned on. No question. After he left, I was giddy as a schoolgirl.

So, I guess I'm not gay. I'm probably pansexual, as I understand the term. Interestingly, when I think of men in a romantic role, it's not genital; it's emotional. It's the same when I think of being with a trans woman. With cis women, it's much more the other way. It makes me wonder how much nurture is involved in my sexual orientation, as opposed to nature.

Oh, well. Maybe this will help someone else who is struggling with a similar issue. I certainly don't consider my sex life front page news; it's a little embarrassing to mention these things. But I don't see my therapist for about a month, and as revelations go it's rather dramatic, for me. I had to tell someone. Hello, Susan's. 

Oh do tell Ann!

I am not at all surprised and have watched it happen here many times.  Folks often write about their evolving sense of orientation after their liberation of how we think about gender.  Throwing off years, decades or even lifetimes of cultural oppression and personal repression may result in a thrilling sense of freedom for many of us.  I have been queer and trans all my life but found no framework for those feelings and behaviors as i grew up in the 1950s. 

I worked through much of it by meeting others and finding resources but never really found a label or affinity group that fit.  Queer and trans work fine for me now but aren't we all a lot more than two words can convey?

Many of us will not be aware of the worlds of diversity around us until we accept ourselves and all the rest as members of the same family.  I did not know people who accepted themselves as gay existed and had wonderful lives until I was an adult and came out of the proverbial closet.  As a teen I thought I was the only one who felt this way and eventually settled on being some kind of alien sent to earth as an observer.  Hello Star Trek

Welcome to the wild side

What do you mean "it's the other way around"?

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Hi Ann,

I often wonder about my own sexual orientation. Could it change, or develop now I am out? I have no idea, but reading your experience is helpful and interesting.

Thanks for sharing!

~Dee.

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When my egg cracked a lot of things made sense to me. I have been with many women and some men, but only gay men. And never really got into it. Mainly because they were gay men and I wanted a strong broad shouldered straight man to throw me down and do nasty things to me. I never had the right equipment to really do the things I really wanted to do with them. Wrong equipment, duh. Now that I realize I am trans all that stuff makes 100% since. I'm super attracted to men, but want to have regular sex with them not gay sex (though, always as a bottom, I think I did ok under the circumstances). I thought I was reluctantly bi, whereas I am really just bi and can't wait till I have all the right parts.

i  imagine how you feld
yes, is complicated understand your sexual orientation and have a normal relationship (either with men o women)
im in the way to understand my self... but i hope some day i find an answer, the same for you UwU
there are good people here that give me and advice and that help
I hold over my transition so im in strange situation haha specialy when i feel  that i need a macho-man in my live  i donno haha
Probably we are in the same situation, if you want to chat write me

Hi Ann,

I have been having a very similar experience. One of the things I've come to understand is similar to what Maya says: I have the wrong equipment to make male sexual attraction fully make sense.  Those weird twinges you speak of were east to dismiss before coming out because I am not a gay man.  Since coming out and exploring sexual orientation I get more than twinges myself.  I love going to my chiropractor with his big strong hands and warm funny demeanor.  I glow afterwards.

Try visualizing yourself as a women and how that would feel with a man.  For me, when I did that consciously it was game changing.  I now realize, I have been fantasizing that way my whole life, except I thought I was fantasizing about having sex with women.  When I thought back I realized that all my fantasies featured a very concrete woman and an amorphous, unformed male.

We are sexual beings, it is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is a bit embarrassing to lay it all on the table though so I would say I am right with you there as well.

Best of luck!

Love,

Jael