So, after half a life time of longing and repression, and a year of intense soul searching and radical self acceptance I've hit a few milestones. I've come out as a transgender woman to my closest friends and family and a few co workers. I am seeing a gender therapist and considering HRT. I am taking small strides in feminization. No more beard, starting electrolysis, wearing jewelry and doing my nails. Form fitting more androgynous clothes.
Sometimes, I feel like an entirely different and better person... "Gender Euphoria! WEEEE!"
Sometimes, I get quite scared... "OMG, I am going to take hormones and go crazy and die from liver disease or get attacked"
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with regret and the unfairness of it all.. "if only I DID something when I was younger! I shouldn't have to DO all of this"
Sometimes, I feel very confused... " Why are my nails long with blue nail polish? Who AM I??"
I feel so much more worried about my appearance (a smaller waist, clearer skin, hair, clothes that are tighter and form fitting)
I frequently notice how men look in a very different way. I have had attractions to men before, but it was something I would notice once every few years and quickly dismiss. Now it is happening sometimes once a week. It doesn't feel bad, just STRANGE, like I am high on a mind altering drug.
I rarely get turned on by women anymore. I just feel envy, or a relational attraction, not a sexual one. I used to think I was a pervert falling for every dame I met. Now I think I am just looking to be accepted/embraced as one of the tribe. I have NO IDEA what my sexual orientation is really. LIMBO
It is really emotionally painful to select MR. on forms, or to buy male clothing. At my work they bought us logo'd t-shirts and jeackets and I ordered femme ones, which I am too embarrassed to actually wear in public, but I just could select male.
It seems like now I know WHY a bunch of things bother me, my reaction is worse rather than better. (being treated like a guy, my name, the clothes I 'have' to wear', Mr., Daddy, body hair, particularly on my hands and face and chest) I've never liked looking at pictures of myself, except a few from my teen years (when I had long flowy hair, a soft face, ear rings and no facial hair). Now I had to ask my wife to remove most of our family portraits because they felt like they were everywhere staring at me.
My beautiful wife is very very hard to be around. She embodies everything I want. I don't think I was ever in love with HER, but with an image of what I wanted to be. I do love her now (after 15 years one would hope so), but in an unfamiliar way that feels at once healthier and scarily non-intense.
Most of the time I want to be called by my female name and pronouns(although mostly I am too embarrassed to ask), and sometimes it feels confusing. One time I will be called 'maam' or 'she' and it will feel GREAT, another time, it is jarring.
In short, it seems like acceptance has created MORE dysphoria rather than less. I guess this makes sense. I am not in denial so there is more pressure to ACT and be authentic, but I have to work against years of conditioning and habit so it is uncomfortable. And of course, sometimes I get hit by a wall of doubt and "WHAT AM I DOING". I would kind of like to feel a bit less up and down and more balanced.
What am I looking for with this thread? I think I need some 'me too', some encouragement that it will get better (or worse and then better, be honest
). Advice on creating balance and patience with the process. Probably, I just want to feel like someone other than my therapist and my cousin hear what is hammering at my heart and mind. I think that last part is mostly it. I feel like I spend far too much time alone with my thoughts. Journaling is nice, but sometimes I feel rather invisible.
Thank you for reading, and peace and love to you!
Jael
