So...Here I am under a pseudo name on a forum with the words 'Transgender' in it...Quite a leap from my normal and quite simply something I never once thought would happen...So...I have absolutely no clue in life...I sit and try and think about it and there are nights when I just end up crying or wanting to kill my self just so I can stop thinking! Anywho...Onto the point.

I. Have. No. Idea. What. I. Am.

I dont even know how to begin explaining this..so I'll just begin with the basics...My ID says I'm a male, I'm currently 17 years old and fast approaching my 18Th Birthday (a month away) and as such realized that questions I have been asking my self since I was twelve can't really be ignored any longer...So here I am..spilling my self out to strangers :3 why not.

I've never really been the masculine type and even my body structure when I'm slim is more feminine then it can be considered masculine (I can basically wrap two fingers around my arm and hold it like that..>>; most guys I cant...girls, yes; guys, no....then again I have no idea if that's feminine or not but it's not exactly screaming macho man now is it?)

My skin is generally quite smooth and I've only just now really begun to grow any more then 'baby' hairs on my arms....But I digress...I have absolutely no idea what I am, what I want to be, or where my life is going to take me...

I became aware that I was attracted to males shortly after my 14th birthday but even before that I had an intimate experience with a boy (All of this my family does not know, I'm embarrassed) But I dont know...I have always for as long as I could imagine wanted to look more girlish...and even at times found my self wishing I was a girl or thinking how much easier my life would be if I was just a girl.....I already have, basically, a feminine voice...Everytime I use the phone I turn red in the cheeks when people refer to me as ma'am even after I've told them several times that I'm not "Miss X" and that I'm a Male (I replaced my last name with X :3).

I admire womens fashion, I want to wear it, I giggle insanely and go over to my ex-girlfriends house and allow her to do make-up on me and stuff like that (I am still attracted to women as well, I am one odd bunny) but yeah...I also have extremely long, thick, and curly hair which my mom repeatedly tells me that women would kill to have and I like to play with it after taking a shower to see what I would look like if my hair had a more feminine style toward it....

I've also got a slightly major problem with things that are normal for guys....I absolutely hate the hair on my legs and my torso, arms included, I wish it wasnt there quite honestly and if I shave my legs oh boy do I know my dad is going to be looking at me all funny and such...I don't identify most of the time with what you would consider the 'generic male' gender, I often think in rather girlish ways (as opposed to my ex girlfriend, who I ended up giving skin and nail advice to, she glared at me, and then poked a dead animal with a stick which made me squirm...) but I am not entirely female in my mind set either...It's like I have two different people living in my brain and they fight over who's in charge...I love watching romantic movies, I nearly cry over sad moments on TV shows or movies and just yeah...

So......Here comes the confusing part...

I dont want to change my body, no SRS or anything like that...I'm already made up in my mind over that...I do not want to change my body...and I'm rather unsure about hormones either (Breasts would be an awful inconvenience to explain to my parents...)

What does this make of me? I'm totally lost in my life...So! Hi! Any idea of where I might fall under?

Thanks,
Clueless

Hi Clueless,
I can totally relate, welcome, I'm new too & totally confused

Hi Clueless,


   Welcome.

   You are not required to change your body unless that happens to be your own decision.  There are many types of transgender.  Individuals all handle it in different ways.

   There is a place on the site for 'transgendered' people and one for 'androgynes' and one for crossdressers.  These are types of TG people who may not necessarily want to change their body for various reasons. You should find lots of info here at this site.
    You can also check out the transsexual talk.  It may help to clarify how you feel.

   You should be able to find what you need here.  Don't be afraid to ask questions.  This is a place where you can be yourself.


Peace,


Rebis

It's a big world and we can all fit in.
Have fun, and don't worry about the 'what's' they tend to creep up on you anyway.

Welcome both of ya.

QuoteWhat does this make of me? I'm totally lost in my life...So! Hi! Any idea of where I might fall under?

It makes you normal. There are not clear cut answers for everything in life and especially something
as big as what gender you fit it. You need to explore it, think about it and what you really want will
come out eventually. Some of us take longer to get to that decision. Many of the things you describe
are exactly how I was when I was your age. I'm TS's but lived a lot of my life as male for a lot of reason's
that I bore you with here. But my best advise is to explore and do what is right for you, not to make your
parents or girlfriend or siblings happy.

And as Rebis said, you can be yourself here and NO one will judge you. We all have our little
things that are kinda weird.

Amanda

Hi  Clueless and welcome. I understand your dilemma. There are many TS who do not have surgery. I am a crossdresser and transgender individual. I have thought of taking hormones before but I won't take them for health reasons. I do see myself as a transgenderist. I feel more feminine more than masculine all the time. While I'll never transition or take hormones, it doesn't change the way I feel about myself. 


Gennee

Hello there and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink