I am in a harrowing stage of my life right now. I've always been a full-blown escapist with a severe drinking/marijuana lifestyle. I am heterosexual and my story of how I ended up here will probably be different than a lot of you. But I REALLY need to talk to someone.
I am powerfully drawn to aesthetics and I've always been attracted to women. I don't have the same biological reaction to men that I do to women. But I am overwhelmingly attracted to beautiful women to the point that I've always been unable to approach women. This has gone on my entire life. I'm also totally addicted to porn, always have been, which also explains my lovelessness.
So now I'm 32. Never ever thought of myself as a "trans" in anyway whatsoever. But one day I got drunk and drove halfway across the country, stopped at sex shop... bought some things... and I sat in a motel room, stared in the mirror dressed like a girl and I literally swooned... I had a rush of euphoria like I've never experienced in my life, I think its that feeling of 2 lovers embracing, something that other people do but I have never done... I fell in love with the female version of myself. I look stunningly attractive as a female. I'm still kind of prejudiced against the whole "LBQT", I've always been politically conservative, but discovering this alter ego was an earthshattering, euphoric experience. After crossdressing for a few weeks I found that it was making me so overly aroused -- it was as if I'm two people at once, like I can be my own girlfriend and not be lonely anymore -- but the hypersexual lack of control was a little too much so I took all the sex toys and womens clothes and threw it into a garbage compactor.
I'm a very handsome guy. Its bewildering that I haven't been a single date (oh and I'm a virgin too).
I started to think of "her" as a demon that I should avoid in the future. I tried to live a normal life. I am very athletic and the only time I go out is for kickboxing which is the one healthy activity that keeps me going. I did a lot of yoga and pilates too, and developed a really nice lower body and legs and ass but this started to make me feel confused again. But there's always girls at these gym classes, and the girls wear leggings, and they are so attractive, and every day I suffer badly from sexual frustration and loneliness.
5 months later, I went through a horrible event in my life that shattered my self-esteem completely. There was only one thing left to do -- buy all those female clothes and wig, etc. again... and become "her" again. I am a self-loathing person and I hate my identity and who I am, being a male. But when I dress up and shave my body and look in the mirror at this beautiful female, I feel a tremendous sense of release and peace because I've escaped who I am, that self-loathing sexually frustrated person, and I am suddenly someone else without all the baggage, and I feel SO relieved of the excruciating pressure of needing to court women and failing at it (actually not even trying). I want to be the beautiful one who attracts others, that is who I am at the core, a narcissist, I don't want to be the desperate, ugly, balding, virgin man who wants to date girls but feels paralyzed from doing it.
Anyways, I'm not gonna deny it anymore, it may be delusional but if being the female me makes me feel peaceful than I'll keep doing it. But it is in total secrecy, my family definitely cannot EVER find out (they are very conservative when it comes to sex) but I am in debt and I think that beauty that I see in the mirror should be broadcast... I want to share my physical feminine beauty with the world so I'll start doing a cam, I just need to get to know some people in this community to reach any measure of self-acceptance, and I still have a lot of my own lingering prejudice (I am repulsed by some ->-bleeped-<-s, I seem to think that they have to pull off the "illusion" and I find the successful transformation an incredible turn-on) so what I'm saying is that transexuals have to be beautiful because women embody beauty while men are ugly and repulsive. But I don't want to offend anyone. Please talk to me. I'll send you pictures if we get to know each other. Thanks
This strange, escapist, extremely lonesome life that I've lived has driven me to suicide. I attempted suicide last night, but was too drunk to really pull it off.

You may want to speak with a therapist first.  What you described sounds like a manic state possibly related to something else.

@Swanson777
Dear Swanson:
    Thank you for becoming a member of Susan's Place and the Forums and for your very first posting in the Forums.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post on the forums. 

    I see that you have already received some good advice from our lovely member @CindyLouFromCO   ....  indeed, a therapist can be most helpful to help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings regarding transition.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hi Swanson 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Swanson,


   Welcome!   


Chrissy

I was at a yoga studio earlier today to sweat out a hangover. It really seems that doing so much yoga and pilates surrounded by females has rubbed off on me heavily and made me much more feminine because my lower body is so thick and well toned.
Anyways, all the advertisement pictures on the walls were of females exclusively. Not one to represent the male gender. I think in modern times women are so much more powerful and men are shrinking and retreating and watching porn, while women are always working out and getting stronger than men.
Anyways, how the hell am I supposed to go through this? Is a transition harrowing in the beginning, how do you accept things and make sense of it all. Do you find peace and fulfillment at the other end. Does this go through various stages, am I hopelessly down the rabbit hole with no chance of reversing what is happening?

Welcome to Susan's Place. If you truly are transgender, there was never any going back. It was just a case of resisting inevitable. Many people can do it for a long period of time but it's not comfortable doing so. The best thing for you to do is take it one step at a time and see a gender therapist. In therapy you will be able to work through the issues and find the path that's best for you.

As far as conservatism and LBGT, they are compatible. True conservatism means minimal interference in ones life. That means as long as what you do doesn't harm me, you should be free to do it. Conservatism has been hijacked by people who want control and so far they are getting away with it in part. If you don't believe me, look at Article I, section 8 of the constitution then read the bill of rights. Imposing ones morals, standards or forcing you do to something you don't want to do was never part of the constitution's intent.

Swanson first I want to say sorry for your pain.  Emotional / mental suffering is a terrible thing and I wish you some peace in the future.  You covered a lot of ground in your original post and it sounded like you thought that the path you have been on is unique to you.  All of our paths are unique is some ways but you would be surprised at how many similarities there are with most in the transgender community.

As for the self loathing stuff - it is very common among many of us to have spent much of our lives over compensating by doing very manly stuff.  There are friends of mine on this site and in real life that lived some of the most macho lives you can imagine.

Also regarding the sexual fantasy stuff that is very common too.  I could go on for pages playing amateur psychologist and I am fairly knowledgeable due to my own journey and research and therapy but what would be far better for you would be to find a real therapist that is trained and practices in working with transgender individuals.  Not because there is something wrong with us but instead to learn how to deal with all of the crap we have been taught our entire lives that there is something wrong with us.

You seem to be at the very early steps of this journey and to become somewhat whole it will take a lot of self exploration and acceptance of yourself but the journey is worth it in my opinion.

Rest assured you are a worthwhile person and deserve to be happy.  Be kind to yourself.  Find support here, in local groups and with a therapist.  Most of us spent many years hiding like you are now.  Life is too short.  Live your life now.  A life in hiding is not a life.

Wishing you peace.

Welcome to the site Swanson777.

Gosh there is so much going on here I couldn't begin advise you. Purging (a practice most of us know all too well). Living in a conservative family/kin/support group that is apparently anti-lbgt. Negative feelings about pornography.  Negative feelings about sexuality. Living with a shameful secret that eats away at you all the time.  Concerns that you are possessed by a demon. Suicidal attempt and ideation. Low self esteem. Negative body image.  Just to name a few.  Also, it sounds like you are looking at this all through the lens of the stigma (i.e, which is another word for transphobia) which can cause one to seriously skew one's perspective on things.

I seriously think that the only way you are ever going to find peace with these issues is to find a lbgt friendly psychological therapist and just start to talk about this stuff.  One thing I will give you a guarantee about right here though is this:   You will feel 100% better after you have unburdened yourself of this weight to another person in a real life and safe, environment.  Nobody and I do mean NOBODY should have to carry this weight around alone.

Furthermore, I don't think I'm telling you anything that you don't know already.  I mean it's right there in the title of your post.

Thanks for the comments. So you're saying the sooner, the better? Half the time I am still not sure I want to do this. Going public is unthinkable, but I do want to do the webcam thing to earn some money (cause I really do look good -- sometimes more feminine and pretty than many biological females). But the catharsis from being relieved of the pressure to "have sexual conquests" as a man is convincing me that I've found the solution to my sexual frustration.

Hi Swanson777. Welcome.

You have recieved a lot of great advice already, but I want to join in and say therapist. Find an LGBT-friendly therapist, you can start to go there because of your other problems to start with. And when the time is right, tell your therapist about your female you.

When is the right time? You will know. When you can't hold it in anymore you need to release it. That is the time for the first step. Atleast it was for me.

I was a depressed alcoholic before I came out as transgender. AA has helped me a lot to come to terms with who I am and that I don't need alcohol anymore. It takes time, patience and continuity to become sober.

You have a lot of stuff to take care of. Suicide is not a solusion if you want to live a happy life. I'm harsh, but I've been in that place too. Only way to live a happy life is to grab a hold of yourself and start untangle your life in one place and then the rest will come along and be solved.

You are not a hopless case. Nobody is. But the only person who can make you feel good about yourself is you. Gather courage and find a therapist. Nobody need to know you see a therapist. You can even find one in the neighbor town.


Tony

Quote from: Swanson777 on January 30, 2019, 08:56:55 AM
Going public is unthinkable, but I do want to do the webcam thing to earn some money.

Have you really thought this thru?   This seems to me to be a contradictory statement.
The internet is FOREVER.  Odds are good you will be found out if you do this.

I've done AA many times and put together a few months of sobriety but I always relapse. Right now I'm completely in the grip of alcohol, I'm at the point where drinking half a bottle of whiskey doesn't even get me drunk anymore. I get very bored and frustrated at AA though. Its an imperfect solution. Maybe expressing myself in this thread is a start because I haven't communicated with anybody in a long time.

You need continuity and patience. Patience comes with time. When you learn to forgive yourself for the reasons you drink. Drinking for me was an escape from my life. I started drinking at 15 yo and decided to quit at 30. If I can do it, you can too.

Don't give up! There are propably several AA gatherings if you don't like the one you visited. You are also not bound to just one, you can see several groups. See different people. Get new input. I frequently visited two different groups. Different people will give you different stories.

AA is not a gathering that will fix your problem. YOU will get the strength to fix your drinking problem and along with that a lot of other things will also be resolved. It is an inner journey, you need to do what scares you the most, face yourself.

It is ok with relapses. We all have them in the beginning. But don't give up. Keep going to the meetings.


Tony

Hello Swanson,

I'm very sorry that you're in so much pain, and that you have been for some time now.

The fact that you're asking for help by sharing your thoughts and feelings here tells me that you have the courage to confront and resolve your pain, so there's every reason to believe that if you continue to connect with others and to be completely honest about yourself, you will get through this incredibly difficult time, and things will absolutely get better.

You clearly have multiple challenges at the moment, and you're not going to resolve everything all at once right now today.  And that's OK.  The only thing that matters is that you keep trying, and that you continue to be completely honest about yourself.

For what's worth...

Self medicating with alcohol, cannabis, or other recreational drugs is going to make absolutely everything worse.  It sounds like you already know this, but you have to find a way to not need them anymore, and I'm completely confident that you can do this if you make the effort to address the underlying issues that are driving the desire to continually numb yourself.

The desire to completely conform to internalized social perceptions of "normal" is a moving target that's always impossible to hit and invariably results in self-loathing and misery, regardless of how much you conform to whatever you perceive as "normal."

The idea that everyone sees "normal" the same way is a fantasy.  Just as everyone is unique, so are their individual perceptions of others.

Acceptance of diversity and uniqueness in yourself and others invariably results in peace and happiness.

Being a virgin isn't a big deal and having sex with someone you don't know or care about just to say that you've had sex can be physically dangerous and emotionally damaging.

There's nothing wrong with masturbation as long as you don't use it to mask unresolved pain or feel like it's taking over your life.

Depending on the content, the more time you spend consuming pornography, the more it can seriously distort your perceptions of sex and gender and potentially limit your acceptance of diversity.  I'm not saying that I believe that all pornography is bad, just suggesting that you keep this in mind.

Gender is a very broad and complex spectrum ranging from Feminine to Androgynous to Masculine and is always contextually perceived.

Each of these individual dimensions of identity combine independently of each other in an infinite number of unique ways for each of us:

1 – Anatomical Sex – F, M, I
2 – Internal Gender Process – overall patterns of how an individual sees and reacts to the world
3 – External Gender Expression – how an individual choses to present her/him/theirselves physically to the world
4 – Sense of Gender Coherence to Anatomical Sex – Cis, Questioning, Trans
5 – Sexual Orientation

For example, someone could be anatomically female, think and interact with others socially in a very masculine way, prefer to dress and style herself in a generally androgynous way, be completely comfortable (cis) in the sex she was born with even though she does not conform to traditional gender actions and expectations, and be exclusively attracted to men, making her heterosexual.

In the patriarchal cultures that still dominate much of the world, when an anatomical male does not conform completely to the so-called "ideal" of being an absolutely masculine cisgendered heterosexual man, the perceived threat to the social hierarchy is much greater than when an anatomical female doesn't conform, because it exposes the fallacy that men are superior to women.  It's "cute" to "pretend" or "aspire" to be "more" than you are (FTM), but it's dangerous and crazy to "pretend" or "aspire"  to be "less" than you are (MTF).  We're all systematically brainwashed with this deeply damaging belief system from the time we're born, and anatomical males are always acutely aware of just how fundamentally and frighteningly Taboo not conforming to perceived social gender expectations is.

Consider the inverse of my identity example above – an anatomical male who thinks and interacts with others socially in a very feminine way, prefers to dress and groom in a generally androgynous way, is completely uncomfortable (trans) in the sex they (she) were (was) born with, and is exclusively attracted to women, making them (her) effectively lesbian while being outwardly assumed to be heterosexual.

Which of my two examples is going to be more broadly accepted socially?  And does the difference in reaction make any sense at all when you really stop to consider it?  That's the essence of the arbitrary nonsensical brainwashing that we all – cis, questioning, and transgendered alike – have to set aside to find the sane and happy world that we all deserve to create for one another.

If you haven't already, take a look at the Standard Terms and Definitions on Susan's Place when you get a chance, which might be helpful in making a few significant distinctions of motivation:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,14714.msg112044.html#msg112044

Based on where you're currently at and given that this interaction is happening on a message board, it's all but impossible to know everything that's motivating your desire to crossdress, so I'd strongly encourage you to not make any assumptions or come to any conclusions about where this desire comes from or were it will ultimately take you.

I also agree that putting yourself out there as a webcam model at this point, especially when you're not sober, is probably a very bad idea.  One step at a time, and you'll figure this out.

I definitely agree and would strongly encourage you seek out a good therapist who specializes in gender identity issues.  And if for any reason you don't feel comfortable with any given therapist, trust your instincts and seek someone else.  Therapists are just like anyone – they're all unique individuals, and some will be a better fit for you than others.

I'd also suggest that you might want to think about not seeing any therapist who you find attractive, since it sounds like you'd be at especially high risk for what's known as "transference," which is developing false and often very therapy hindering feelings of intimacy for the therapist.

Know that you're not alone Swanson, and congratulations on having the courage to open up and reach out!  It's a MASSIVE and hugely important first step.

I crossdress to experience the presence of femininity, because it's something that I've been starved of for so long. Female clothing is so much more aesthetic and interesting, and comfortable/arousing to wear while male clothing is rough and baggy and bland. I definitely have some homophobia going on because I am very repulsed by anything gay or queer yet at the same time pulling off the complete, perfect transition in which I embody a female completely -- the suspension of disbelief -- I think deep down I crave a radical change because I am so sick of who I am and how I've lived.

Porn has definitely warped my mind to the level -- I saw people doing it in porn, so I figured its acceptable to start doing it myself and once I tried it DAMN it feels good.

Regarding patriarchy, I don't see it anymore. What I see is empowered women becoming bosses, athletes, leaders while men are on the decline, many watch porn and give up on women and I'm an example of that. Women flaunt their bodies in public every day which has a tantalizing, mouth-watering effect on men but men keep it all in and they're not allowed to say anything, they're totally scared to flirt lest they be accused of sexual harrassment, so they end up retreating to their man caves and diving into the plethora of vibrant porn available these days cause of technology. So women really do have power over certain men, in my view.

One thing that's frustrating is going back and forth between male and female, its hard to swap identities every day, when I go out as myself I feel like the most emasculated male who can't speak to women or get laid or even one single date. That feeling can't be solved by trying to conquer my fear of women or online dating or whatever, I already tried all that and it only intensifies the frustration. So when I get home I can't wait to start drinking and change clothes and become "her" again, the ability to transform into a completely different person and leave my old self-loathing self behind is very alluring. That's why I feel like I'm going down this inevitable rabbit hole.

No one really knows me other than my family, and coming out to them is unthinkable. I almost wish I could cut off all contact with them and they'll never know. Then I could be reborn in the world as a female who attracts others, rather than an unconfident male who is desperate and sex-starved. 

Have you ever considered that your relationship to porn may be related to your gender identity?  This is a topic that you could profit from discussing with a therapist.  One thing a lot of transgender women have in common is history of a problematic relationship with pornography.  I certainly used to indulge in it obsessively before I came out of the closet and began my transition.  It was a way to dull the pain of not being the correct gender.  And of not having the correct hormones in my body.  And of not relating to the world socially as my correct gender.  As to the subject of dating a woman I could never have an authentic connection with a woman, a deep sharing of honesty that is the foundation of a solid relationship.  Because whenever I was with a woman I always felt fake.  I was keeping a secret that I wanted to be a woman.  That I cross dressed.  That I also got turned on by guys. 

When I finally transitioned the combined effects of anti-androgens and estrogen combined to dial my libido back from 10 to 1.  I no longer had any desire to look at porn and the compulsion to masturbate all the time was completely removed.  My libido went from a fiery male libido to a softer female libido.

Quote from: Janes Groove on January 30, 2019, 07:52:12 PM
Have you ever considered that your relationship to porn may be related to your gender identity?  This is a topic that you could profit from discussing with a therapist.  [...]

I completely agree with Jane about this.

The biggest problem with withdrawing into pornography to numb your pain is that doing so can repeatedly reinforce a very distorted and incomplete picture of real world sex and gender identity, which can then very negatively impact how you see yourself and everyone around you.

Quote from: Entropic Variable on January 31, 2019, 11:03:31 AM

I completely agree with Jane about this.

The biggest problem with withdrawing into pornography to numb your pain is that doing so can repeatedly reinforce a very distorted and incomplete picture of real world sex and gender identity, which can then very negatively impact how you see yourself and everyone around you.

Well I'm too far gone at this point. It's actually reached the point that I'm so involved in porn, like its all I know and I enjoy the glamorous aspect of it very much, that there's no such thing as real world sex for me, its all viewed through the prism of glamour and "creativity" in porn. I don't think there's any way for me to just quit porn and be a male and find a girlfriend and live a wholesome normal life. I am too far gone... maybe I could quit porn and try to find a partner as a female... but that is so far off and scary it would take a long time for me to reach that point.

I feel like there is this glamorous, excessive, attention-hungry person deep inside me that is just dying to come out but its always been stifled, which keeps me in a permanent state of anxiety and unease.

Swanson,

If you want to be truly happy, in all likelihood you're going to need the resources of therapy to get there based on everything you've said in this thread.  You're obviously bright, and you obviously know that you're in pain and have at least some sense of what your challenges are or might be.  That's a fantastic place to begin.

But it sounds like you're not sober and way too close to a whole host of sexually charged distractions to get a handle on the big picture.  It may seem as you say like you're "too far gone" right now, and the self-loathing part of yourself might even be strongly romanticising and clinging to this belief.  Rarely if ever is anyone "too far gone" unless they want to see themselves this way and are getting something out of it.

Again, I'd strongly encourage you to find a good gender and sex therapist ASAP.

Real world everyday baseline happiness is absolutely possible if you truly want it.