I know I am not saying anything that most on here don't already know. I just need to say it and get it out. Dealing with gender dysphoria, some days are worse than others. It's frustrating, because it can be really unpredictable. Sometimes I know that certain circumstances will make me struggle more and I can try to manage it. But some days, there seems to be no discernible cause. Some days are just really hard regardless of what is happening around me.

Quote from: BlueJaye on January 30, 2019, 01:15:59 PM
I know I am not saying anything that most on here don't already know. I just need to say it and get it out. Dealing with gender dysphoria, some days are worse than others. It's frustrating, because it can be really unpredictable. Sometimes I know that certain circumstances will make me struggle more and I can try to manage it. But some days, there seems to be no discernible cause. Some days are just really hard regardless of what is happening around me.

@BlueJaye
I hear you and my heart goes out to you for what you are experiencing.

Hopefully you have in the past discussed these issues and feelings that you described with a therapist.

The good news is that just by writing out your feelings and going over your issues on this thread is good personal therapy in itself.  It allows you to think over and ponder your situation and to hopefully formulate positive solutions and actions.
If you have not done it yet, I would like to suggest that you keep a personal pen&paper journal to jot down these kinds of things.   

I keep a personal "old school" pen&paper journal at my home that I can vent our my personal frustrations and disappointments, but also I can happily make note of my successes and pleasant events in my life.

On a cold stormy night, of which there are plenty of those where I live, I can be found sitting in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace reading my journal and also my threads here on the forums for hours, sometime crying, sometimes rejoicing, and usually end up in a good frame of mind.

I trust that you will get through this... and please try some of my suggestions if you have not already done so.
Please keep us all updated....  we are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for you.

When you report not-so-good news like you just did in this thread, we will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on...   and when you report good news we will all rejoice with you.

HUGS and as always, well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on January 30, 2019, 01:26:07 PM

@BlueJaye
I hear you and my heart goes out to you for what you are experiencing.

Hopefully you have in the past discussed these issues and feelings that you described with a therapist.

The good news is that just by writing out your feelings and going over your issues on this thread is good personal therapy in itself.  It allows you to think over and ponder your situation and to hopefully formulate positive solutions and actions.
If you have not done it yet, I would like to suggest that you keep a personal pen&paper journal to jot down these kinds of things.   

I keep a personal "old school" pen&paper journal at my home that I can vent our my personal frustrations and disappointments, but also I can happily make note of my successes and pleasant events in my life.

On a cold stormy night, of which there are plenty of those where I live, I can be found sitting in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace reading my journal and also my threads here on the forums for hours, sometime crying, sometimes rejoicing, and usually end up in a good frame of mind.

I trust that you will get through this... and please try some of my suggestions if you have not already done so.
Please keep us all updated....  we are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for you.

When you report not-so-good news like you just did in this thread, we will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on...   and when you report good news we will all rejoice with you.

HUGS and as always, well wishes,
Danielle

Thanks for the encouragement. I do keep an ink and paper journal. I have also found a new therapist, after my previous therapist moved to a different city. Having an hour per week with her, and sometimes less, it is difficult to discuss everything that needs discussing. That is one of the reasons I come on here, to speak with others who either are where I am or have already been here and are further down the road.

Quote from: BlueJaye on January 30, 2019, 01:15:59 PM
I know I am not saying anything that most on here don't already know. I just need to say it and get it out. Dealing with gender dysphoria, some days are worse than others. It's frustrating, because it can be really unpredictable. Sometimes I know that certain circumstances will make me struggle more and I can try to manage it. But some days, there seems to be no discernible cause. Some days are just really hard regardless of what is happening around me.

yes.

I'm on my second week of unaccountable dysphoria. This full dose is really hard to take, I am used to smaller doses that are easier to manage. OK, not so unaccountable. Photos and mirrors are my big triggers. Secondary dysphoria sprang up out of nowhere and joined in. I'm a mess.

Quote from: Faith on January 31, 2019, 08:08:39 AM
yes.

I'm on my second week of unaccountable dysphoria. This full dose is really hard to take, I am used to smaller doses that are easier to manage. OK, not so unaccountable. Photos and mirrors are my big triggers. Secondary dysphoria sprang up out of nowhere and joined in. I'm a mess.

Faith, I am sorry that you have to go through this, but I want you to know that you are not alone in this.

For a year I rented an apartment that had a huge mirror in the bathroom that reflected everything.  I had coated it with a translucent plastic film, except for a little cutout over the sink to use when shaving (ugh!) and applying numbing cream for electrolysis days.  I couldn't stand to see myself getting in and out of the shower.  That's gone now, with more HRT time and my gender conformation surgery (GCS). 

Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) has been a similar experience.  I still see my pre-FFS face much of the time in the mirror, although not so much in photographs.  My therapist has actually told me to spend a few minutes looking at myself in the mirror daily to reset my internal self-image.

We carry a self image of ourselves burned into our minds our whole life.  When we change ourselves, it takes a long time for our minds to catch up to physical changes.  This mismatch, like other mind-body mismatches, is a source of our dysphoria. This is temporary, though, as eventually our minds and our physicality come back into alignment as we continue our transition.

We heal.  We bring body and mind into unison.  We get better, and there are far more good days than bad.

How about putting together a list of stuff to study or work on?
For me, anyway, doing something, even relatively minor, that puts me a little closer to my goal seems to help.