Good evening all. How you all doin? I felt that I needed to vent, so here goes.

As most or maybe all of you are aware, my gender therapist diagnosed me as being transgender last September. When I told my wife (whom I've been married to for over 30 years), she basically said to me that she doesn't believe I'm trans. She says why now? Why didn't you feel this years ago? If you've been this way all your life why didn't you do something when you were young? All of a sudden now?

I tried to explain to her that when I was younger I felt I needed to suppress this because of how society viewed me as I was assigned male at birth. Then I tried to tell her that now in the last few years the gender dysphoria has gotten so much stronger. But she still doesn't accept it. Then she says that she doesn't understand ->-bleeped-<-. I encouraged her to go to a session with my therapist to ask questions and learn more about it or we could order a book that helps to explain some things. But because she doesn't believe I'm transgender she won't go. As a matter of fact she says that I shouldn't see my therapist either because she's afraid I will be brainwashed into believing I truly am transgender. And often I think that my wife thinks that if we don't talk about it, it'll all just go away. I try to bring it up periodically but no response from her.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. Every time I see a lady (on TV or in person) I want to begin transitioning. My dysphoria is getting harder and harder to keep under some control. I feel that I just want to be the woman I am on the inside. Want the outside of me to match my inner self.

When these feelings are the strongest I think to myself, maybe I should just give my wife a friendly thank you for 30 + years together and move on to make myself happy by truly being me, a woman. And as a pastor I would have to resign from that and I would move to another part of the country and start over. That's how bad I want to get transition started.

I know it's going to happen but it's a matter of when. The sooner the better. May later this spring. Fingers crossed.

There, that felt a little better being able to vent.

Thanks for listening and please feel free to respond!!!

Hugs to all
Shennae

Gender dysphoria almost ended up killing me.  I spent the last ten years before transition suffering daily panic attacks, chest pains, irregular heartbeats, and high blood pressure.

It is nothing to take lightly.  Just about all of us MTF's have stories about suppressing our own femininity.

FWIW, my wife of 18 years and I are still together — because she was wise enough to see that my health and happiness were at stake.

As far as your job, the Lutherans and the Episcopalians are ordaining transgender pastors.  Maybe it's time for a change of scenery.

Hugs, Carly

Hello again Shennae

I hope your wife will stop pretending it will go away and face reality. Although I never married, I knew I had to suppress my femininity for decades as here in UK the transgender subject has only really been in the public domain since around 2005. Hence it has been and still is customary for many of us to suppress till it becomes so dominant that we can suppress no more. I hope your wife is open to some delicate persuasion.

I agree that you should be permitted to remain a pastor after transition but it may be necessary to change denomination if that is something you are prepared to consider.

I wish you resolution and happiness whatever route(s) you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

Denial is a terrible thing.  It is what your wife is doing right now.  Most of us are experts at denial: we do it to ourselves for so many years.

When my wife asked me the same question - Why now, after all these years? - that was my truthful answer: the thought of being transgender had occurred to me before, but I was in denial about it.  I kept asking myself, "Am I transgender?", and I kept answering "No."

One thing I have learned about denial is that, if the same question keeps coming up over and over again, it means that I have been coming up with the wrong answer.  Denial, in other words.  If no had been the right answer, the question would have gone away.  Though I had been answering no all my life, I finally realized that the right answer was yes.

I don't know if that resonates with your experience in any way.  I know that explaining it to my wife satisfied her question, and let us move forward.

Good luck with whatever decisions you decide to make.

Quote from: Shennae on January 31, 2019, 11:01:24 PM
why now? Why didn't you feel this years ago? If you've been this way all your life why didn't you do something when you were young? All of a sudden now?

Believe me.  This is a question I have often asked myself.  One thing you didn't mention to your wife that I think is pertinent is this: Times change.  We are not living in the 1970s anymore.  A unique transgender moment is happening all around us.  The cage door is open.  Transgender people are being seen today. Out. Loud. And proud.  We are constantly in the news.  We are on mainstream television shows.  We are no longer portrayed in the media as sad, sick, desperate, many times criminal low lives and freaks as we were ALWAYS portrayed as back then.   We are being seen as what we are. Just folks.  Transgender support systems exist that were never around before.  From the comfort of our closet we can look out onto a new and better world for ourselves.  A future free of feeling ashamed of how we were born 24/7.   A future living as a real person instead of a shadow or a ghost.  Believe it or not in some circles it's already the new normal. 

Quote from: Shennae on January 31, 2019, 11:01:24 PM
As a matter of fact she says that I shouldn't see my therapist either because she's afraid I will be brainwashed into believing I truly am transgender. And often I think that my wife thinks that if we don't talk about it, it'll all just go away.

I'm sorry but this is absolutely mental.  Ignore science? Ignore help?  Think about it.  She's saying that people trained in the scientific method, who have had years studying the data and mechanisms of sexuality and gender.  Care providers who have been certified by the state.  Are brainwashing you? 
Does she really have a problem with modern science?  It sounds to me like she is afraid of the truth.

I completely relate to your post, except I told my wife before we married. I thought I had it under control and I had made peace with myself that my boat had sailed... a million excuses why I shouldn't transition. Except my dysphoria began to get really bad last year, and it gets worse every single day.

The only thing holding me back at the moment is my lack of employment. You shouldn't give up so lightly on your vocation.  Galatians 3:28, Mark 9:42-50, Genesis 1:27, Matthew 19:12, Isaiah 56:4-5, Acts 8:36-39  and not being religious myself, I am sure there are more passages you could read that will confirm your faith that I've missed.

But my wife rejected it, then out of the blue she accepted it, then she said that I was probably lying to myself because she didn't see anything female in my character - which, contradicted what she said when I told her before we married, then she went back to denial again, then she tried a couple of times to blackmail me by using my daughter against me... and so on. 

Honestly, I've no idea if my marriage will survive or not. It is a difficult situation because my wife is Japanese and we married in Japan... and the laws over there are barbaric. But I hope it does survive. It is has been platonic for some time now.

While your wife blames your therapist, mine blames the support group I attend. I simply explained to her that without the support group then there would be a significant chance that I wouldn't be alive now. The only thing holding me to life at the moment is the love of my family and the possibilities and support my local trans group provide... without those two factors, to remain in ignorance and denial of my self... I am not suicidal, it is just I don't know for how long I can withstand the dysphoria if I didn't know there was help.

I explained that to my wife and that worried her. We've not had a chance to discuss things further. She claims that if it were not for my daughter then she would be fine with it. I am not sure she would be... I hope she is because that is a bit of hope.

Ultimately, it is the fear of the unknown that is holding us back. Everything is a 'what if?' and we will never know unless we take a leap of faith and step forward, hoping that others might show us compassion even if they don't understand.

It is scary and frightening for us because we've hidden it for so long. To take that chance. But our partners and families have not had the years of torment we've faced, for them it is out of the blue. It takes time for them to come to terms with it, and they may never do. But we have to show resolve and commitment, or we can never hope that they will take us seriously.

Now admittedly, some of those words are not my own... and that's advice I need to keep reminding myself about each time I take a small step forwards. I am waffling now... so I hope there's something in that which is helpful. I do find that the dysphoria is sometimes replaced with euphoria each time I manage to overcome my self-doubt.  Not doubt about being transgender, but doubt about what to do about it. I care about my family a lot, and I hate to see my wife cry and find it difficult... I would do anything to make it stop for her sake, but that's not possible anymore, it is no longer in my control. The choice now is transition or guess how long I can bare the dysphoria before I eventually end it. And I told her that... because if nothing else, I will always be honest and truthful to her. I just hope that she realises the respect and love I have for her to be open with her about these difficult issues.

Good luck

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I agree. Often times our spouses or significant other lives in a stage of denial about our state of being transgender. Because I believe they can't wrap their minds around the possibility that maybe there's something happening to us. I know that my wife is living in denial because it isn't what she wants to hear and also I believe she's from the old school that being trans is like being gay. But reality is that they are different if only our spouse or significant other could accept that.

Pamela, I agree that our wives need to quit pretending that it will just go away if we don't talk about it. Like my therapist says, we need to keep discussing it or it will drive us to a point of great depression or even bring forth thoughts of suicide. Luckily for me I have gotten to that point yet. At least not getting to the point of my dysphoria killing me.

And as far as my job goes, I've been in this profession for 27 years. And now I believe I need a change. It's not that I don't like what I'm doing, it's just that I'm just a few years away from retiring and I would like to try something else. Been thinking this way for some time now. I'm willing to do something else if I can move somewhere where I can transition and live as the woman I am and then retire as a woman. I just wish it could be sooner rather than later. I think about it all the time. This dysphoria is just driving me crazy but talking about it helps a little.

Well, enough ranting on this Ground Hog Day. Hope spring will come soon. Don't think the ground hog will see his shadow today.

Thanks again for surrounding me with all your support during these trying times. Will keep you posted.

LOL and hugs
Shennae