Hi i need some advice. I have a ftm friend that i haven't seem or talked to in almost a decade but is friends with people that i am friends. My friends tell me they have stopped transitioning for financing reasons and is going back into hiding and getting married to a very transphobic family. I am also told that they are planning on resorting to alcohol and self mutilation to deal with there hated of there genitalia. There planning doing the self mutilation on a constant basis for the rest of the life or they can pay for them to be removed. She also planning on suicide later in life if she can't ever transistion. I'm wondering whether it would be a good idea to renew old ties and start talking to them again  and try to keep her from doing all that or should I just leave the past alone and let them harm themselves? I should point out that the two of us were lovers when the two of us knew eachother.

The last sentence is what makes it complex. But if it were me, I would be worried about the self harm and would want to reach out... a simple, 'hello, I was just thinking about how you were doing the other day and was hoping you are fine. Wishing you well, your friend xxxx' 

Don't ask them questions, just leave it open for them to reveal what they wish to you. I would use 'they/them' until you know the truth about their situation. If the suicide is true then, it is probably best to use 'he/him'.

However, only do this if you are genuinely concerned and accepting of whatever they want. If you can't accept them for who they wish to be, or if you can't be there to provide an open ear and understanding, then best not to reach out. I don't know how you broke off your relationship. If there is baggage, then best to trust in your other friends to be there for them.


I hope your friend is well.

It would be best if you can help HOWEVER you need to be strong enough to do it. Handling somebody in that state of mind can be mentally draining and your first responsibility is you. It might be possible just to remain in contact so they have some place to turn if they need it. What you can do will be limited as if a person is really determined, they will self harm no matter what you do so if you fail, it's probably all you could do.