I suppose I would like to share a bit about myself for anyone interested in reading it
It would feel nice to talk openly about my feelings so I'll give it a try.
My gender identity confused me from a very early age like many of the stories I've read about similar people. Starting at the age of four I stole my mothers silky underwear and started wearing it. I choose to play with barbies and ponies instead of GIJoes and boy-toys. I even fantasized about being a Disney princess before I knew any shred of sexuality. Those things led to a lot of ridicule from siblings and friends which lead to childhood trauma in a lot of ways. I suppressed my feelings as most boys do, but that only worked until puberty took it's firm grasp of me.
When I started to have desires of a sexual nature around the age of 13 I quickly connected it with old feelings from childhood. Fantasizing about being a woman was, and still is an everyday occurrence. Obsessed with dressing and acting like a woman behind locked doors, alone and silent about it. Female partners were my preference at this time (more on that subject later)
By the age of consent my desire to be feminine had steadily grown to a near boiling point. I began collecting any type of physical possession to aid in my fantasy, dildos of all shapes and sizes, sexy women's clothing, makeup and anything else that came to my mind to provide some type of enjoyment. Up to this point I had only shared my secrets with the only 2 people I could trust at the time, my high school girlfriend and my brother. I made it very clear to them how embarrassed I was by it and they were kind souls who kept my secrets to themselves. Looking back, I was either in denial of who I really am or I was scared of the consequences of acting on the thing I wanted more than anything (transitioning), most likely both. I experimented with having sex with a man for the first time at the age of 19. At this point I had already experienced vaginal intercourse. For reasons I may never understand, I was completely terrified of having sex with him and it took every ounce of courage to step over that line. It left me feeling like I betrayed everything I knew and I flipped a switch inside my mind. I threw away thousands of dollars of feminine "paraphernalia" and began supressing my desire to act upon my urges to be fem.
This did not last long, maybe 2 years passed and I convinced myself to buy a dildo, and a plug as well as a few pair of panties. Just enough to where I believed it was manageable. I could keep a small box well hidden for when my hormones took me over. Around this time I also shared my secrets with more people starting with close friends and siblings. It felt like a weight was lifted, however I only told them half of the story. They learned about my fetish with ass-play basically, and my dream of being a woman stayed locked in the back of my mind where I could look it from afar like some unobtainable dream that only happens in a made up fantasy world of magic and the supernatural.
This next part is embarrassing and very personal to me. I do feel shame for what I did to myself. Drug addiction was something I grew up around, and it was normal for me. I started at a young age smoking pot and occasionally drinking spirits. By the time I was in my early twenties my choices to use illegal substances turned into a new type of beast - Opiate Painkillers. I was swept away by the way they made me feel, numb and oblivious to everything but the warm/cozy feeling they gave me. The reason I bring this up is to let you know that it wasted years of my life. Opiates suppress sexual desire in most users, and it had that effect on me. Not to mention all the other horrors it comes with so I
strongly dis-condone any use of them outside of people who have serious pain and little or no other choice. Opiates are an epidemic all across the world and I have first hand experience. However, I made it out alive
and I consider myself very fortunate!
As an epilogue, I have been sober for 1 year, 22 days, and it is the biggest achievement of my entire life thus far. I was high on one thing or another from the age of 13 all the way to 31. This time around, I will
not have clouded judgement. I see it all so clearly, I see what is right in front of me, and it
is within my reach! I deserve to be what I want to be. No more wanting to fall back asleep to be the woman I want to be. This time, I wake up and it's real.
Dreams can come true! 
And I'm not trying to sound corny, this is how I feel and it brings me tears of joy.
Notes I left out ~ The trauma I experienced the first time I laid with a man has since been remedied. He treated me poorly, and I had the wrong intentions. I was not attracted to him and merely wanted to experience sex from that perspective. I am now happily in a relationship with a guy who I like mentally and physically, I can be myself around, and loves me for who I am. I also wanted to point out that I am still attracted to women. I honestly don't know if that is common, but I don't care. I choose a partner based on kindness and intelligence (admittedly also if they enjoy making me submit) cause everyone has needs, and those are mine. Thanks for reading this far, and I look forward to many more interactions with all of you
Questions and comments are welcome and appreciatedAlso I have one question if anyone knows the answer please. Are modified photos frowned upon here. I read about faceapp here in these forums, did some research on it, and made the choice to try it's gender change feature. It has some pro's and con's definitely, but I would like to use it as my avatar because it gives me inspiration. I realize I sound a bit silly asking, but I don't want to offend anyone and I did read some articles about it's backlash in the LGBT community
