I don't even know where I'm actually at at this point. I keep crying but I'll try to be as detailed as I can here. I'm light of frame but very masculine. By midlife I've become very good at being a boy and it doesn't cause me terrible suffering to be one on most days. Some days it even feels right, but a lot of days it just feels all wrong. I don't hate my penis with a rabid passion, but I resent my lack of breasts and hips and I'm ashamed of my acrid masculine smell.  I don't hate my face (it looks like my mothers), but I dislike it's masculine cut and appearance and it's stubble makes me nauseous. Some days I have to wear a skirt (even if I never leave the house in it), and some days I'm expertly comfortable in my jeans and hiking boots with a sweater.  I don't hate the way I look in a blazer with a fitted shirt or even a full suit (I've actually been gifted with fairly good looks), but I dream of looking half as good in an evening gown and feeling the rightness of it. I'm growing my hair out for the first time in 20 years but I don't hate it short I just don't know how to make it not boyish. However I have always despised my body hair and have never allowed surrendering to it even be an option from the very first days that it began to take over everything from my nose to my toes like an unkillable fungus. I feel like an actual woman some days (more so the more time that passes), and I look like a very tired middle aged man all the time and I'm sort of OK with that in a strange and sad way. My lack of complete physical dysphoria makes me doubt my urges to be seen more womanly and I constantly question what I'm doing.  Am I trans, am I non binary, am I genderfluid, am I just a pathetic man with some sad form of  ->-bleeped-<- having a midlife crisis? I've always imagined myself a woman mentally, and i dressed up like one often as a young child (before I was too old to 'playing dress up') but these questions cause me more dysphoria than my actual body. And the thought of leaving the house presenting as my feminine self terrifies me like a spider in my hair, but the thought of never knowing who I am and living in fear/regret the rest of my days breaks my heart. I cry when I watch coming out stories whether they are little girls, middle aged women, or men shedding their feminine husk they make me loathe myself for not trying hard enough to truly know and be myself. Just reading Susan's story made me remember being 9 and being angry at god for making me a boy only to relent and embrace being one anyway and i started crying again. In spite of it all I'm not mentally ready to be Rae yet...more crying.

     I'm married to a wonderful man who is my soulmate, who knows I'm exploring my gender expression but still might lose sexual interest in me if I decide I truly need to live as a woman because he is only attracted to men and that terrifies me as well. I want to simply "be" what I feel and that doesn't seem possible. I never think of suicide, but I do break down and cry (especially when I put on makeup and see how sad a spectre I make) and I do wish sometimes to go to sleep and simply not wake up and have to face tomorrow in this skin.  And while I don't hate myself completely I definitely love a different me more.  Please God, tell me I'm having a bad dream and that I will wake up tomorrow with but a foggy and fading memory of my confusion and fear.

     So I'm terrified and confused and sure that I have no clue at all what I am doing, but I'm sticking my toes in and seeing if the water dissolves my periwinkle polish or turns it bright crimson red. I'm lost and could use some finding. Hi Everyone! Respond, DM, whatever. If you recognize my location or know what's behind door number 2 I'm interested in corresponding even though I think I'm going to vomit and faint just from pressing "post". Hopefully my husband doesn't find me on the bathroom floor with acid breath and runny mascara and a language reduced to sup supping.

Hi, Rae!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Your struggle and search match those of many of us here.  Many of us have had to deal with the insecurity of wondering how our spouses are going to take all this.  You certainly sound to me like you are probably trans.

What to do about it all is something that only you can decide.  To help you with those decisions, I would recommend talking to a gender therapist.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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Hi Rae,
Transition will not make everything better, but it may make you whole.  This is something that you really need to talk face to face with a therapist about.  There are huge risks, and huge rewards, but only you know what the balance is.  In my case the men I dated pretty much dropped me like a hot potato once I began to change.  Being called a ->-bleeped-<- hag is remarkably painful.  Fortunately not everyone in the Gay community is so bigoted but I would be lying if I told you that acceptance is automatic.

For some, androgyny and low levels of hrt works.  Getting rid of how you smell and watching your features soften sometimes is enough.  That with Laser and Electrolysis may very well make you feel okay about all this.  Be sure to talk to your husband.  Be sure that you have something of a support network.  I didn't and paid the price in fear and loneliness.  Neither is required.

Sexually I'm bi and always have been so adjusting to that wasn't a big issue. I'm three years post op and unbelievably happy, real, and unafraid.  I have it all girl, and you can too if you prepare, get help, and follow your heart.  In a little bit you'll be able to send personal messages and if you need somebody to talk to send me one and we can chat.

One last word.  To live authentically, openly and lovingly is the greatest gift that you will ever give yourself.  How that is defined is different for everyone, but to have the courage to live it is to be one of the most special and amazing people on the planet.

Namaste,
Julie

Thank you both for your welcome.  KathyLauren, thank you those were helpful links. Also is there a way to simply move this post to the "introductions" forumn?

Quote from: Rae321 on February 12, 2019, 01:32:56 PM
Thank you both for your welcome.  KathyLauren, thank you those were helpful links. Also is there a way to simply move this post to the "introductions" forum?

Welcome, and hang on, because I'll bet that's exactly where we're going!   wheeeeee!

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Your spouse should want you to be happy. If he's uncomfortable with you doing what you need to do to feel like a comfortable, happy human being; perhaps have an indepth discussion, and let him know your thoughts and feelings on the matter. It's important that you see a gender therapist, but it wouldn't hurt to have therapy together with your spouse as well.